I have grown closer to the idea of actually becoming like … best friends with someone… Christ Nolongerlonghair has compromised my situation here… turns out, and I’ve known this for a very long time, that Nolongerlonghair hates one of my friends… and well I am sorta becoming best friends with this person, let’s call him curlsareforgirls…
Well she told me, when he first contacted me via facebook (he wrote this endearing sweet sweet message about how he kinda liked me and stuff, I know cute right?) that she didn’t want to ever be seen near him if I befriended him… and I got, not gonna lie here, really really offended by her snobbyness (again sorry nolongerlonghair) in fact as I am writing this I get kinda mad at her... okay so her reason for not wanting to even learn anything about this guy? Let me tell you:
She found him ugly. There, that apparently is enough reason to shun a person from ever coming near me? Like what the fuck!? First of all, my opinion about people being ugly, my honest to god opinion is: fuck that shit.
To my friend I am always like, “yeah you’re probably right”… and because she is so unaccepting I will go behind her back and just not tell her stuff, because guess what? I have found one of the kindest souls ever in this guy, and we have everything in common. We do stuff together that others don’t want to, example: He lets me chose the movie, so last time we hung out we watched two anime movies and it was great. I tell him everything, well not everything, because who really gets everything about me? Apparently I don’t ever tell any one person the bare-to-the-bones truth about me… but I tell him about what it is like when I smoke weed and eat shrooms… that is pretty honest…
I mean who is she to judge the people I associate myself with and how can she feel that she is so much better than curlsareforgirls? I mean, okay he is not the best looking guy out there, but neither is she the best looking girl out there… and why do we feel this need to measure our own status in society after other peoples physical exterior? Like do you feel qualified to be better than everyone else if you are hotter than them? This judging system is one of the most unattractive traits in a person, and I am almost ashamed to say that my best friend uses this on probably a daily basis…
Do you want my honest opinion again? No? well fuck you and take it anyway: Skin is what surrounds our bodies, it is made from billions of cells, organisms, and what not to keep us alive, to keep us functioning. Skin is our outer layer, the layer everyone sees and apparently judges us by… but does anyone ever think about how awesome everyones skin is? Like without it we would die! I am thankful to have my skin, and curlsareforgirls is thankful for his… apparently we are some of the only ones who love our skin!? Physical appearances is one of the most judged things about us human beings, and society constantly feeds us with models to make us crave a more aesthetic appearance.. but who are we really kidding? We’re never going to amount to that… and I am sad to say that most people who actually amounts to that often hates themselves afterwards because they let go of themselves along the way… tell me what you think blog, am I wrong here? Or am I just high on too much ice-cream and coco right now?
I mean, curlsareforgirls and I talked this over the other day, the whole question of what beauty is and all that crap and we were both very much on the same page about the whole question of the ideal beauty of the modern age: that it has deteriorated, not only in the beauty it holds but also in the bodily function… this is us comparing the image of beauty from a hundred years ago (a fuller woman with love handles and all) with a skeleton from the runways of this year’s spring summer collection… and the bad condition such a thin body is in…
I am getting sidetracked here, I just want to say this:
If I am to go all gay and lesbian on a woman, my choice of woman has been Adele for a very long time. There is something about her and her fight for fame that I deeply admire… she is stunning in every way and I would feel honored to go down on her.
This is to say that I have a weakness for people who might not be the ideal of modern beauty, but rather make you think outside the box and rewrite the book of your own personal ideals…
I leave you with this question: what is beauty?
I can’t tell you what beauty is today, because I think the term ‘beauty’ got screwed up along the way. But I can tell you what beauty really should be: the way you describe yourself and the people around you, for example: curlsareforgirls’s beauty is his intelligence that he hides from most people, it is the wonder that is his true laugh and the way he gets nervous when I look him in the eyes for too long. It is his morals and his ability to say no to things even though I say yes. And it is the skin that surrounds his body, covered in pimples and reddish, it is still beautiful, and so is my skin marred by stretch marks from before I lost weight.
I’m home now. I really enjoyed staying at my grandmother’s house… I had some alone time and I had some granny time… and it was all fine and dandy.
You know what really sucks? Periods. Yeah I know I know, everyone hates their periods and all that shit and the totally Christian people are like “your period is the most natural thing on earth, you should be thankful for your opportunity to have children blah blah bla Christian bull crap”
Yeah well fuck you Christian people I don’t give a shit about children, and when I’m on my period I can’t fucking masturbate without blood getting everywhere and it’s nasty and I have long nails so blood will go under my nails and cuticles.
I haven’t masturbated in two whole days. Okay I sound like a person who masturbates all the time, it’s not true. Sometimes I masturbate every day and then there’ll be like a whole month where I don’t even look at myself. Don’t think me a freak, though you probably already do… I am you after all.
Maybe I should get a boyfriend, apparently boyfriends are pretty easy to come by these days. I mean when I was younger it would be one of the seven wonders of this earth if a guy should ever come over and talk to me. By this I mean I was the girl no guys would ever want to come near.
But now… now guys are apparently lining up to drunk call me and tell me that we should go out, yes Smilesandsixpacks is drunk-calling me again.
I don’t really want a guy though (that’s a lie, I am about as horny as any horny male teenager out there) I would rather have a girlfriend… yes I have been pondering my sexuality these days. I can’t quite figure out what I am… am I bi? Or am I hetero with bi-curious tendencies ? am I making myself believe that I am bi just because it would cause a bit of a stir? Am I just wanting to be gay to rile people up and be a little special?
I wanted to figure this out, so I went through one of the most precise tests in the world to test myself, am I gay or not!?
I’m sure you’re dying to know the answer! I underwent the google images test.. first I looked at women and then I looked at guys. Now I know I already appreciate the male body.. but looking at the female body I tried imagining myself kissing her neck and lightly pulling up her shirt, so clearly I could see myself both with a man and a woman. I thought I needed to go further in my investigation so I went to look at pictures of genitalia of both the male kind and the female kind.
And this is where things got interesting. I didn’t like the penis or the vagina apparently. I mean lesbian honest here… did you get that? instead of let’s be…. Hahahah get a life Anna. Okay serious Anna is back, sorry for the interruption. Okay so let’s be honest here the dick and balls aren’t exactly hot to look at.. all wrinkled and nasty-looking, I mean ew disgusting. It looks like a turtle’s neck where those nasty skin folds are… just no, fucking hell don’t get that thing close to my face I will slap you if you do.
And the vagina looks like that octopus in that ‘pirates of the Caribbean’ move where in the end Jack jumps into it with a sword and it spays him with slime… I’m just saying, genitalia is fucking disgusting but also very magical at the same time. I mean how can something so disgusting give such magical pleasure? That’s awesome!
Have you ever had one of those days where you just look at your own vagina (or dick, no judgment here bro) and you just realize that your own genitalia is just so fucking disgusting, I mean wow talk about an octopus mouth between my legs… oh wow we certainly went far my dear blog… how did I go from writing about crushes on teachers to talking about my vagina on the internet? :o I don’t know, but while we are on the topic of my vagina; I usually masturbate at night before bed time, just like how potheads smoke a blunt before bedtime, and you know if I had a really awesome orgasm the next day I will leak fluids like the self-lube kind of fluids… is that weird or is that totally normal? I’m guessing it’s normal.
Okay back to sexuality.
So I have realized that I do not get turned on by looking at the dick or the vagina.. but I might be more attracted to just the general idea of sex and the act itself and not the components that make the act possible i. e. the dick and the vagina. I get more attracted to the idea or mental image of me or two other people engaging in sexual activities, for example I find the idea of me going down on one of my girlfriends very… interesting… I find that I get truned on by looking at /imagining sexual activities where one or both of the involved (this is usually porn) are getting real rough and tough… I like dominance play… is this all wrong and weird? I mean there are whole porn categories dedicated to this so I would think this is very normal… this is a normal kink, right? I actually think it is… why else would so many people buy 50 Shades of Whatever?
It’s nice to know that I am normal after all.. so I guess there will be no conclusion to the question thus far, I still don’t know if I am straight or bi… but I guess I’ll find out one day, right?
I mean I was down on Anna2, but it wasn’t good at all… I got a beard burn and felt like throwing up all the while… but that might just have been the tequila.. so I don’t know… I also did have Mathhottie’s dick in my mouth, it could have also been that…. Fuck it, I don’t want to think about it right now, I’m signing out. Goodnight blog, oh and don’t tell anyone about my vagina, I haven’t talked to my friends about it… and that’s because none of my friends masturbate apparently… so yeah no one to talk to, damn… So fucking untrue, they’re just embarrassed about it. I mean there’s only two kinds of people in this world: people who masturbate and people who lie about not masturbating.
So… how on God’s green earth did I manage to ’capture’ another guy in my web? I do not understand what it is guys see in me lately.
I swear it is a mystery to me, like I have been completely honest with every guy I’ve met (that is the last three guys, met them all within this past week) and every one of them have been texting me and wanting to get with me. so I’ve decided to be honest with people when I meet them because I am tired of being called a bitch when I suddenly don’t any interest in them anymore… but this truth telling crap might turn out to be bullshit. See I tell guys that I won’t have any interest in them after a few days, and to be honest the last few guys I’ve met haven’t even lasted three days… I fear that I am deteriorating in my inability to stand people… the first guy I talked to where I told him the truth (that I wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore after a few days) I’d already lost interest in him a mere 24 hours after meeting him…
The second guy was also the biggest mistake, see this guy has been a close friend for about 3 years. I was just hanging out with him as friends do… three days in a row. Now here is when shit gets weird… like, this guy and I we never really talked all that much, but one day I just met him at a party and then we started talking again. and having not really hung out with him all that much, it was weird for me suddenly hanging out with him three days in a row… it was just.. Weird.
anyway, so I don’t know what the hell went wrong in his head, but he suddenly just turned my head and kissed me… and I really didn’t want that from him, like he is my friend, like brother almost. I felt bad though… he must have thought that I have feelings for him because of all the time I’ve spent with him lately. I don’t have feelings for him, I just couldn’t stand being at home.. he was my escape, and now that he thinks I’m his next potential girlfriend I just had to get myself out of there. (He has a history of getting almost engaged with girls and then cheating on them)
Well my plans to stay away from him didn’t hold through… I was out drinking, just two days ago. I was supposed to stay with Anna2 and crash on her couch… but we met Mathhottie in a bar and she got so freaking horny that apparently bailing on me was the best option for her… so she fucking tried to get me hooked up with everyone. She also tried to convince me to get into a threesome with Mathhottie and her.. Well fuck no thank you. I said before and I’ll say it again, I’m not going down that road… it was tempting though, because she offered me weed… am I really that easy, I mean there was a moment when I seriously considered it just to get high off my tits.
like I said, my home situation is really fucked up right now.. and getting really high helps a lot. It just makes everything more… ok I guess.
So I crashed at this friend-guy because Anna2 felt the immense fucking need to hump Mathhottie. This guy now thinks we have something lovely and uncommitted.. well I’d feel bad telling him that I don’t really like him or any of the things we do… I’m just glad I haven’t had sex with him… or maybe I’d like that… I think he’d be really awesome at it because he’s had so many girlfriends… also he’s kind of aggressive… I’m sure he could fuck the living shit out of me… and that would actually be awesome…
Okay so the last guy was a guy I met that same evening I’d talked to him for a while and he was kinda nice and all. But when he told me that he practically loved me and asked for my number and a kiss I told him no. I didn’t even give him my number… I used to give everyone my number…
Well anyway, Smilesandsixpacks drunk called me the same evening… and I am sat here now wanting to actually go see him.. I kinda miss him, and then again I really don’t miss him at all.
Fuck me I’m too complex for myself sometimes… damn me, fuck me and fucking drop me.
and then please please please just don’t care about me.
So I just had a cry. It is 6 days since my stupid shit fuck birthday, and I am delayed crying over it. I had been happy just ignoring the goddamn day, but my friend asked about it today. She asked me what I got and if it had been a good day… she was nervous about it because I hadn’t talked about it… well I told her the truth, I told her that it had sucked donkey ass. She was sad for me, and couldn’t believe how a birthday could go so wrong. To tell you the truth this year was better than the last.
Today I made myself a promise. I promised myself that I would not celebrate my next birthday at home, I will not cry over my next birthday. My next birthday will be better, I swear it will.
I don’t have anything else to say…
My mother is disappointed in me again. it is all because of this stupid thing I have with guys and being unable to form a relationship. I think I push myself so far into believing that I like guys (when clearly I don’t) because my mom really wants me to have a relationship… sigh… I just want to be without complications… I don’t want all that drama, and drama follows me around these days.. I’ll come back another day, when I have something more interesting to say.
