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don't look at me like that unless you mean it

smiling, having fun ♫ feeling like a number one

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a/n: god dayum this took me so long to put out and i sincerely apologize friends!!! my family's been in town and i've been planning trips with my bf for the next couple of weeks so i've just been sooo busy. to make up for it, enjoy the longest chapter i've written yet :)) i legit had so much fun writing it but i also fussed w/ it a ton because i wanted to get it just how i envisioned it. nuff' ramblin' from me, love y'all, enjoy !

word count: 9.8k (i had over 10k written b4 editing but still omfg!)

pairings: joel miller x f!reader

warnings & tags: minors dni, cursing, joel/reader/tommy being cute, tommy being an instigator lowkey, mutual pining, joel and reader going on a lil 'date', sexual themes, mentions of alcohol/being drunk, honestly kinda self-indulgent esp on the music parts, angst RAAAAAAAAH — please tell me if i missed anything!

Friday. Thank God.

As the morning light painted the sky in soft hues, you opted to savor your coffee on the front porch with your feet kicked up on the deck railing, basking in the quiet before the day's festivities consumed the town.

The early hour granted you respite from the scorching sun, sparing you the discomfort of the sweltering heat that would undoubtedly arrive later. Dressed in a small tank top and shorts, you relished the cool breeze that gently brushed against your skin. Tilting your head back, you closed your eyes, allowing the sounds of chirping birds to serenade you and the warm rays envelop you in a soothing embrace.

You thought back to last night with Ellie, how much fun you had with her even though you passed out before the movie was even over. It was the perfect start to your two days of rest, and it prompted you to commit a rare act of self-care by pushing off your new workload until the new week started.

You always did something on your days off for Jackson, whether it was doing a few favors for neighbors or finding yourself in Maria’s office all day. Nothing ever to give yourself the time you deserved.

And maybe it was selfish– irresponsible, even– but you needed a real break, and when would you get that if not today? Tonight promised laughter, music, and camaraderie. All your problems and issues would still be there tomorrow anyway.

"Put some clothes on, would you?" You jerked your head forward to meet Tommy walking up with a grin on his face. You rolled your eyes.

"I'll put on more clothes when you shave off that disaster you call a mustache."

He put his hand over his chest that shook with laughter and took the vacant seat next to you. When you offered him coffee, he politely declined, chuckling when you insisted that you could add whiskey to it for him. "I actually came to ask a favor."

He watched as you peered down at the imaginary watch on your wrist before giving him a skeptical look. “Tommy, if you’re asking me to work, the answer is-”

“No! God, no.” You let out a thank fuck under your breath. “It’s for tonight.”

You raised your eyebrows as you drew a sip from your coffee. For tonight? He took your silence as a cue to continue.

"Joel tells me that you've got quite the music collection. I was wonderin' if I could borrow a couple of your tapes or CDs or whatever y'got?"

You thought about it for half a second, but pretended to be in deep contemplation. He grew antsy, attempting to seriously reason with you, and when you couldn't hold it together any longer, you hid your grin behind your mug as you watched him realize that you were fucking with him. You got up from your seat and signaled for him to follow you inside as you grabbed cassettes for his cause.

Joel had been in the kitchen pouring himself a cup from the pot you had already brewed. You peered around the corner to set your mug on the counter, flashing him a bright smile before quickly scurrying off, catching a glimpse of how his face dropped from a smile to confusion upon hearing more footsteps in the house. You giggled once you heard his groan, followed by 'Jesus, don't you know what time it is?'

You picked through your pile, grabbing tapes that you were certain would be winners. Once content with your selection, you brought them back to Tommy in the kitchen. His eyes and smile widened at the handful, carefully taking them into his possession. Joel, still clearly waking up, watched the interaction with a dull curiosity over the rim of his mug, flickering his gaze from you, to the cassettes, and lastly Tommy.

Your eyes lingered on the tapes, a small smile brought to your face at the pure nostalgia they held. You knew each track on each tape, word for word. You remembered when you heard them for the first time, what life had felt like, and when you found yourself listening to them the most. Normally, you'd feel hesitant to lend out your most prized possessions. They’d been with you ever since before outbreak day, and the one constant you had since the beginning that got you through your toughest times. But this was Tommy, and you didn’t have to think twice about whether or not you could trust him.

"Wait, I almost forgot!" You snapped out of your thinking to go and retrieve another part from your pile. You handed him a small deck of index cards binded together with twine in what was your own way of personally cataloging. "It's already in order, by cassette and song title, so you can figure out if there's something you don't wanna play.. or whatever you got planned." You lazily gestured.

The brothers exchanged a look before turning their attention to the cards. Joel set his coffee down and took the thin stack from Tommy, reading over it together as they glanced back and forth between the cardstock and the tapes. The corner of his mouth curled up as he skimmed over the songs, making it impossible for you not to smile either. You sheepishly looked down while rolling your feet from heel to toe with your hands behind your back, feeling like a kid showing their parents a piece of art they made at school.

"Had the world not gone to shit, you could’ve been a mean music curator.” Joel waved the cards between his thumb and forefinger, a suppressed laugh leaving your lips.

“Yeah.. damn, these bring back some good memories. Buncha’ old ones on here, some even way before our time.” Tommy motioned between himself and Joel.

The small smile on Joel’s face grew bigger, his face becoming more lively at a realization. “Y’know, ‘lotta these were popular bar songs. You were just shy of eighteen back then, weren’t you?”

Tommy quickly caught on to Joel’s train of thought, matching his grin. You stared at him with a subtle smirk, knowing that he knew he was right, and only asked to make it a point that he knew that. And in a way, you found it kind of.. hot? He was keenly aware of your timeline and able to make the connections that no one else really could. He didn’t have to do the mental math like Tommy probably was after he said it. You felt a surge of heat in your cheeks and on the tip of your ears as their gaze on you persisted, waiting for you to answer.

“.. I may or may not have snuck into them..”

Their voices overlapped with elation, to which you stuck up a middle finger for each Miller.

“Sounds like you were living on the edge,” Tommy peered down at Joel’s hand, “..of seventeen.”

Before you could open your mouth to scold Tommy for popping the corniest joke in all of the apocalypse, he and Joel fell into their own fit of laughter, bumping shoulders and elbowing one another. So proud and smug of their joint-effort to expose your rebellious years. But you found yourself grinning, not at the joke, but at them.

You shook your head, letting out a mix of a laugh and sigh, “Alright, you boys had your fun. Now Joel, why don’t you do your big brother duties and show Tommy the way out?”

He raised a brow at you, bringing his mug to his lips, “Must I remind you that it was you that brought him in here, not me?”

Tommy raised his hands up in defense as you glared at Joel, “Alright- I’ll see myself out.” He winked at you as he walked past, “Give you a break before ya’ gotta deal with me tonight.”

You and Joel walked him to the door, exchanging goodbyes until later this evening. Just before stepping out, Tommy suddenly turned over his shoulder to you. "Oh! Before I forget– Are you seein’ anybody?”

You froze at his question, your smile slacked and your eyes widened. The residual feeling of laughter in your chest subsided quickly as if it never existed in the first place. He held up his left hand, “Not for me, obviously.”

You rolled your eyes, then narrowing them at him. “Yeah, no shit. What, are you playing matchmaker for me?”

“Not for you, someone else.” A shit-eating grin appeared on his face. “So, are you?”

The short answer was no. You were too busy with leading your life in Jackson.. And being hopelessly in love with his brother.

“Uh– no. I’m not.”

Joel's gaze shifted towards you, your words evoking enough of a reaction out of him, to which Tommy caught and raised an eyebrow with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. They bounced between you and Joel as if he had caught a whiff of the unspoken agreement you two held. You felt your cheeks go hot again, knowing that your words hadn't gone unnoticed by either of them.

He bid a final farewell with an unconvincing nod that left you both standing in the foyer quietly, which was luckily cut short by Ellie coming through the back door, giving you both the perfect excuse to forget all about.. whatever that was.

She rubbed away the sleep in her eyes, murmuring a good morning to you and Joel as she made her way into the kitchen, both of you treading in after her. You inquired about the basics. How'd you sleep? Want me to make you something for breakfast? Do you want orange juice? What are your plans for the day? Joel watched as you engaged in conversation, admiration and warmth flaring in his chest as you seamlessly transitioned into your role as a caretaker.

You were receptive when she shared her plans for the day, further inquiring about smaller details of her schedule. He watched as Ellie became more animated the more she got to talk about her day ahead, especially as you encouraged her.

"What about you guys? Don't you both have off today?" Ellie faced in her chair so that she could clearly see you both.

You exchanged a glance with Joel before you both shrugged your shoulders. You hadn't realized that he had the day off as well, if you were being completely honest. As you thought about it, it occured to you that you hadn't gotten to figure that part out, since Tommy and all. When you confessed that you hadn’t planned anything for the day, Ellie’s eyes squinted in deep thought for a moment, then looked back at you both, “Why don’t you guys do something together?

You straightened up at her proposal, mildly thrown off, sharing another look with Joel before you both attempted to give a series of excuses, which just came out in a mess of jumbled, almost incoherent words.

“Oh, come on! You guys almost never do anything together.”

You folded your arms in defiance, but it came off more as a pout. “Yes, we do.”

“Sitting at home together doesn’t count.” You opened your mouth to disagree, but nothing came out. “Go out! Have a date or something.”

You nearly choked on your coffee as Joel sighed, speaking with caution, “Ellie–”

“Anyways! I’m off to Dina’s for the day.” She beamed and laughed in victory as she watched you two writhe in place. You could hear the smile in her voice as she left out the back door, “You kids have fun tonight, and make good decisions!”

God– first Tommy, now her. It couldn’t have been past nine yet.

You hand cradled your elbow, the other hand covering your eyes as your thumb and middle finger kneaded at your temples. Okay, maybe she was right. Maybe you and Joel didn’t spend proper ‘quality time’ together, but it just wasn’t something that either one of you were accustomed to. Before Jackson, the most you were able to be alone outside of your apartments were during smuggle runs, which was definitely not the type of recreational activity that she was referring to, and once you picked her up and finally settled here, your lives were centered around her and your respective jobs for the community.

Joel crossed his arms and leaned in the doorway that bordered the dining room, staring at the back door and then subsequently at you. You hadn’t noticed him looking, still hiding behind your hand to mask your embarrassment, and saw how his eyes raked over your figure, taking in how little clothes you were wearing. The black tank top was a deep cut halter that exposed your arms, chest, and just the littlest bit of midriff. Your shorts matched in color, the fabric just hovering over the higher part of your thighs with slits up the sides.

It was a good thing for him that you had your eyes covered. You weren’t able to see how his tongue poked over his bottom lip and his eyes that were drawn to your cleavage that was accentuated by your arms drawn together. Even with your fair share of scars, your skin looked so perfect and soft under the glow of sunlight through the window, so much that he could barely keep himself back from touching you, wanting to trace the contours of your arms with his fingers and hold your face in his palms again.

His heart thumped in his chest as he wondered what it would feel like to rub your legs against his under bed sheets. How it would feel to press his fingertips into the soft flesh of your hips–

“Joel?”

His head jerked up slightly as his eyes darted to yours. “What?”

Irked, you threw your hand away from your face in an exasperated manner, “Do you wanna come?

He stared dumbly at you, stuttering, “Do I- w-what?”

“To Lake Falwich! Weren’t you listening?” You threw him an incredulous look as he shook his head to himself, apparent to you that he in fact hadn’t listened to a damn word you said.

Lake Falwich was located off of Elk Creek, an area you and Joel switched off on patrolling. You’d found the place when you went off-path during your first summer patrol, deeming it as another little hidden gem of Jackson County. Over the years, you grew fond of it and made it a point to frequent it whenever beyond the walls, but you hadn’t been yet this season.

“Uh, yeah– Yes– Sure.”

You didn’t know what had gotten into him in the last few minutes, but you couldn’t deny that you enjoyed seeing him all flustered and not being able to keep eye contact with you. How the tables turned for once.

“I’ll be ready to head out in ten.” You began to head towards the stairs for your room, but stopped at his side and placed your hand on his shoulder, curling your fingers over the muscle, “Don’t keep me waiting.”

A grin adorned your face as you walked away, leaving Joel to hang onto the sensation that burned his skin where you touched him and force himself to calm down from the excitement growing in his pants. He hadn’t really known what he’d just gotten himself into with you, and you were pleasantly surprised at his answer as you half-expected him to come up with some reason to not go.

But one thing was clear to you both: It was definitely not a date.

Your hands draped near the straps of his pack by his hips as you rode out, brushing against his belt and jeans every so often. It wasn’t a difficult route by any means; fairly smooth and clear of any obstructions.

Being the passenger gave you the opportunity to be immersed by your surroundings rather than having to focus in front of you. You got to pay attention to the small things, like the rhythmic beat of the horse’s hooves against the ground and the scent of pine mingled with the earthy aroma of the forest. The trees towered above you, their branches forming a natural canopy that filtered the sunlight, casting dappled shadows on the trail. Every so often, the trees would give way to open meadows, where wildflowers swayed in the gentle breeze.

When you weren’t being captivated by nature, your attention was drawn back to Joel. The heat had caused his hair to curl at the nape of his neck that was slicked with sweat, seeping into the collar of his dark gray shirt that stretched across his shoulders and back with more splotches of sweat. Now and then, you’d get a glimpse of his profile when he scouted around. You felt like a teenager getting to hang out with her crush that she’d had since elementary school, your stomach doing flips just from the proximity alone.

The ride itself was filled with comfortable silence, punctuated by moments of look there and did you see that? with every passing mile. You could get used to this– having these little outings together.

You could hear the rushing water before you could see it, the sound of it growing louder and louder until it finally came into view. When the landscape presented itself before you, you felt a child-like thrill growing in your chest. The clear water shimmered with a vivid turquoise hue that seemed almost unreal, partnered with tall limestone walls that framed the lake. Smaller stone structures and boulders formed near the base of the waterfall, enticing you to explore and conquer their heights again like you’d done in the past. The vegetation extended all around the area, mosses and ferns clung to the rock walls in a tapestry of greenery. It all gave you a sense of simultaneous exhilaration and peace.

Eager to get to the water, you dismounted from the horse before Joel could hitch it, causing him to call out after you in protest and watch you with a careful eye as he got everything situated. You stood at the mouth of the lake with your boots kicked off when he joined you, slowly following suit.

“So.. What do you wanna do now?”

With the heat, there was only one thing to do.

“Jump in.” You pointed to a ledge that was a considerable height up. “From there.”

He met where your finger signaled, then back to you with a quizzical look. “Don’t you reckon that’s a bit high?”

You shrugged your shoulders and threw a smile over your shoulder as you walked away from him, earning a scoff and one of his typical disapproving head shakes. His eyes stayed on you as you made your way, widening when you started to peel off your clothes piece by piece.

First off was your tank top, slipping it effortlessly over your head, then the undoing of your belt and shimmying out of your jeans. You’d stripped down to only a sports bra and underwear, both of which happened to match, which was very much unplanned. Through each removal of clothing, Joel couldn’t help but have his eyes glued to you. He became restless, running his hands through his hair and turning around just to face back to you because he simply couldn’t keep his eyes off you. And when you looked back at him, you felt a little boost of confidence in seeing how he kept his attention on you.

You ascended the rocks, reaching your desired spot and standing proudly, waving your arms above your head at a miffed Joel. The air was filled with a refreshing mist, carrying the fragrance of damp earth and the invigorating energy of the cascading waterfall. The lake below you offered a new perspective on how high you really were, and for a second, you considered that Joel was maybe right.

But fuck it.

Your legs propelled you forward, curling up as you plummeted, and your shouts of joy drowned out by the thunderous roar of the falls. The water engulfed you, prickling your body with its cold touch. Submerged beneath the surface, you held onto the sensation of being weightless, listening to nothing but the ebb and flow of the currents and feeling them weave through your fingertips.

You emerged from the depths to the sun’s warmth on your face. When you refocused your vision, you saw that Joel was standing in the same spot as before, now with his arms crossed against his chest. You swam closer to the shoreline.

“Come on, water’s fine!” He shook his head. “It wasn’t a question, now get your ass in here, Miller!”

He rolled his eyes and huffed, shaking his head once more before pulling off his shirt by the collar and tossing it aside with his boots and pack, and despite being in the freezing water, you flooded with heat at the sight of him. You’d only seen him in small increments when tending his wounds, but now you could finally know what he looked like underneath those damned clothes.

Just as you suspected, his shoulders were strong with muscle, and the prominent veins in his hands and forearms traveled upwards through his biceps. His chest and abdomen were toned and had an even layer of hair, and you basically drooled at the definition of his hips and the trail of hair leading down that was secured by a belt. Beyond his attractive features, though, you saw his scars of survival. His torso littered with healed lesions, many of which you cared for, and a significant mark near his side that reflected the time of his near-death.

“Don’t splash me now, alright?” He stifled a laugh as he undid his belt, which took all your self-control to not watch his hands and think ungodly things. Once he stripped down to his boxer briefs, he stepped further into the lake, wincing at the coldness as he got deeper. When the water reached his thighs, he sucked in a sharp breath and hissed, “Shit- That’s cold.”

You were too busy gaping at how muscles tensed and contorted to make a stupid remark. He delved deeper into the lake until he fully submerged himself, surfacing quickly and shaking out his hair, which was doing things for you. In all the years you spent with him, you didn’t think that he could possibly get more attractive, nor did you think that you’d ever be like this right now, yet here you were.

In what was supposed to be a little fun getaway from all the stresses of the world, you found yourself seriously lusting for him in this moment, which was a stress all on its own. You were alone in a very much secluded area, only an article of clothing or two away from being naked, moreover. The very thought sent you over the edge, making you physically ache where you wanted him the most. How easy it’d be to just close the distance and get lost in him for hours.

The fact that you couldn’t do that, though, pained you viscerally. You couldn’t keep looking at him, or else you’d do something stupid, so you closed your eyes and spread your limbs out to drift on your back. You focused on your breathing, honing in on how your body bobbed with each inhale and exhale and letting the water guide you in any direction.

The next few hours were spent floating, challenging Joel to swimming races, and jumping off the rocks to see who could make the bigger splashes. You found yourselves in lots of banter and bickering, especially when you did a flip off of a ledge and Joel was very displeased that you could’ve hit your head. All you could feel was pure, unadulterated happiness. Together, you were having fun. Real fun. Enjoying each other’s company and nature’s playground.

A while after you returned to drifting on your backside, an unfamiliar sensation across your back and thighs caused you to flail and frantically look around. Sheer panic rose as you realized that you’d drifted off into the deeper end, and you tried to calmly but quickly thrust yourself back into shallow waters.

“Somethin’ got you scared?” Joel had been awfully calm with an arrogant grin on his face, and his laughter rung out clear in the air as he watched you go through the motions of panic, confusion, and finally disdain.

You feigned indignation. “Don’t be a dick.”

Once your feet touched the solid floor, you waded and found a spot to sit in the safety of the shallows, pulling your knees up and resting your arms on them. As Joel drew in to join you, you watched as the water lapped at his waist, drawing your attention to the band of his boxer briefs that seemed to hang dangerously low on his hips and how they clung to him in a way that’d have all the women in Jackson ready on their knees for him. His body swayed with a subtle rhythm and cadence that was uniquely his; full of purpose and so.. virile. You averted your gaze to the sediment of where you sat in an attempt to rid yourself of the thoughts you were having.

The clearness allowed you to examine its composition of pebbles and rocks of all kinds, and you picked up handfuls of them to admire their different qualities, quickly getting wrapped up in recognizing unique patterns and markings. Joel watched as you threw the ones you didn’t like further into the lake, like it was a process of elimination until you found the best one.

When you liked one, you wordlessly handed it to him without taking your attention away from the ones in front of you. There was a serene grace in your actions, as if you were entrusting him with something fragile and precious, and he took notice of the care in which you handled each stone. He’d give it a once over, his fingers gliding over the surface, before dropping it back into your hand. There was something about you doing this, yielding to human nature’s innocent curiosity, that made it so much more than just a seemingly mundane exchange to him.

Your eyes met his briefly, and you saw he was truly relaxed from how the hard lines of his face were softened. The sun shone on him in where you could really see the depths of his eyes; the green-gold that seeped into a lighter brown around his pupil, creating the most beautiful iris structure you’d ever seen. His skin held a perpetual tan with freckles all over his shoulders, a feature that you weren’t necessarily familiar with. Waves and curls formed near his ears and forehead as his hair dried, most of it disheveled and left you wanting to run your fingers through to tame it. Your eyes drifted to his body for a moment, overly cognizant of how much bigger he was compared to you. With a tinge of a smile, you turned back to your little stones, gently placing them back in the water in a decision to leave them where they belonged.

“As much as I’ve enjoyed this,” Joel’s voice filled the silence, “we should get goin’ soon. Promised Tommy I’d swing by to help set up a couple things.”

You hummed in acknowledgment. If there was one thing about Joel, it was that he always showed up for Tommy, no matter how big or small it was. Even if it was a five-minute task or a project that Tommy was entirely capable of doing on his own, Joel was always there. You had that in common with him, back when you had your brother.

As you were about to stand, Joel hovered over you with an extended hand. You clasped it with your own as you gained your balance, but when doing so, your eyes caught a glimpse of something slithering right under your feet. You yelped at the sight, tightening your grip around his hand, and he instinctively pulled you to him, wrapping a protective arm around your waist while acting as a shield between you and the potential danger. He scanned the water, catching on to what you saw: a plains garter snake.

At the sound of his chuckle, you braced yourself against his chest in confusion as his arms were still around you. “What’s so funny?”

“It’s not-” he loosened his hold, but his hands still splayed over your waist. “It’s harmless, nothin’ to worry about.”

“Oh.” You bowed your head forward in relief and slight embarrassment, and a faint smile played at his lips. Your hands were still on each other, almost as if you were trying to play it out as long as possible until either you pulled away or he did, which winded up being the former. You drew back to yourself, stepping backwards as he released you. “Thanks.”

You both retrieved your belongings and set up on a flat bed of rock to dry out, another comfortable silence enveloping you once again as you bathed in the warmth. With your arm slung over your eyes, you could only sense Joel’s presence beside you. You slid your arm up to peer at him, his eyes fixed on the lake. His legs were drawn towards his chest with his forearms on his knees, his chest rising and falling in calm breaths. There was a peacefulness in his expression, a sense of contentment that mirrored your own. You smiled before covering up again, but he caught you at the last second.

“What’re you thinkin’ about over there?”

You brushed off his question. “Who says I’m thinking?”

“If there’s one thing about you, it’s that you’re never not thinkin’.” You sat up at the accusatory words, arching your eyebrows in disbelief. “Go on now, don’t keep me in suspense.”

“I..” a grin spread on your face, “..was thinking about how much fun your shift must’ve been with Fitz yesterday.”

You giggled as he let out a groan, successfully diverting away from where the conversation was leading. “Oh, it was a fuckin’ shift alright– and I don’t wanna talk too much about work, but he shouldn’t be bothering you anymore.”

You faced him and leaned back on your hand, eyeing him, “Joel, what did you-”

“I took care of it.” He left no room for you to speak, his voice stern. He softened a moment after once he realized how it came out a little too sharp. He lowered his attention down to his hands, rubbing his thumb into his palm, “..Not s’pose to treat a woman the way he does, especially when it’s you.”

A moment came and went in where it looked like he regretted his words, fearing that he may have revealed too much, or maybe not enough. But what you felt was incomparable to anything you’d ever felt before, hearing him tell you– blatantly admit to you that he regarded you differently than other people, and that if someone crossed you, they were crossing him too. You always knew he had your six, but this was different than that.

“Why didn’t you tell me he was doin’ that? Or Tommy?”

Those dumb, beautiful eyes conveyed a genuine concern that immediately made you feel guilty for not saying something sooner when you very well could’ve. At the same time, you didn’t want to fuss or make a big deal out of it. It was better that it was you than someone else, like Joel. So you tolerated it, because you were still able to do your job even with an annoying fucking twat as your partner.

“I never took him seriously. I thought he’d just stop if I ignored it enough, but.. clearly not.” You gave a half-suppressed laugh, knowing how ridiculous and naive it sounded out loud. He sighed at your answer, making you fidget, “I know! I know. You’re right– it was stupid of me-”

“Sweetheart–” his hand on your leg and delicious southern drawl shut you right up, “nothin’ stupid about you tryin’ to keep the peace. Just.. let me know next time, okay?”

All you could do was nod, dumbfounded by this new, open protectiveness towards you. He knew better than anyone else how you could handle yourself, but he still couldn’t help but feel that it was his job to keep you safe and be your advocate when you weren’t your own.

Without another word, he rose and offered you a hand up, indicating that enough time had passed and you should get going if you were going to be on time for the party. You accepted the gesture again, but he held your hand longer this time as he guided you down the rocks so that you wouldn’t trip, a chivalrous act that also gave an excuse to linger on your skin.

A hot shower was what you needed to scrub the freshwater off your skin and out of your hair, also to give you some much needed relief from having to control yourself the whole time you were with him, but of course you did that after he left since you shared his bathroom.

The sun dipped lower in the sky, casting a golden glow over Jackson. The vibrant energy of the evening pulsed through the town, the streets alive with people as they made their way to the most popular establishment, laughter and music floating through the air. You’d gone through about four outfits before ultimately deciding on a ribbed henley tank, jeans, and sneakers

Just before running out the door, you checked yourself in the mirror to smooth any stray hairs away from your face. With a smile, you stepped out, falling in with your neighbors who’d been on their way over as well, engaging in conversation on the short walk there. There’d been a crowd gathered outside the Tipsy Bison, people mingling and sharing stories, some already on their second round of drinks.

Through the doors you were immediately greeted by a wave of warmth and liveliness. Your eyes danced around the bar, jumping from full booths and high tables, to the large alcohol selection behind the counter guarded by about three barkeeps if you were counting right. The air was filled with a thousand different scents, ranging from beer and cigarettes to perfume and aftershave. And lastly, the sounds which brought it all together, the clinking of glasses and hum of conversation, and of course, music. Your music that people were enjoying.

Searching the crowd, you spotted familiar faces and friends scattered throughout the place, engrossed in their own circles, but the one person you actively sought out was nowhere in sight. Your efforts slowed as you heard a picking of chords grow louder over the speakers, causing a wild smile to grow on your face.

♫

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone Turned on some music to start my day I lost myself in a familiar song

♫

“I closed my eyes and I slipped awaaay!” Tommy appeared at your side two shots in one hand and unopened beers between his fingers in the other, slinging the arm around your shoulder as he pushed the small glass into your hands.

Without hesitation, you threw the shot back with him, feeling the instant burn go down your throat. You both popped off the beer caps off a nearby counter, a party trick you’d gotten quite good at over the years, before rushing over to the middle of the floor to join the rest of the party and sing your hearts out to your first song of the night. You could barely hear yourself over the speakers and fellow singers, saving you from the embarrassment from being incredibly off-key. Your body reacted instantly to the music, finding the rhythm and constantly moving in accordance. That was the other thing about music, you felt most comfortable in your skin when you listened and danced to it, being able to fall in with whatever played. In between the verses, you hurried over to the bar to grab more shots and beers, slamming doubles back before pulling each other back to the floor.

You and Tommy locked arms and pressed back to back while holding up your bottles in a toast-fashion, switching off during the last chorus and refrain and holding out the longer notes.

♫

It’s more than a feeling (More than a feeling!)

When I hear that old song they used to play (More than a feeling!)

I begin dreaming (More than a feeling!) ...

♫

The alcohol was slowly but surely taking over, a key indicator being the warm, fuzzy buzzing that flourished throughout your body. You clung to Tommy’s shoulder and leaned towards his ear during a break between songs, “Tommy, this is way better than I thought it was gonna be!”

He looked at you with wide eyes and a grin, “I know right! Joel really helped pull it together before we opened the doors!”

You smiled at the compliment towards his brother, then furrowing your brows. “Where is he, anyway?”

You both looked around for a moment before Tommy steered you off to the side, yelling that it was too hard to see from the middle, and your efforts were put on pause again as you winded up near a large group of patrolmen that grabbed Tommy’s attention. He dragged you with him to socialize, though you mainly watched from the outskirts of the circle, smiling and nodding along where the conversations went as you didn’t have much to say or add.

When you went to drink from your bottle, you noticed the lightness of it and realized that you needed another, giving you the perfect excuse to slip away and look for him. You checked over your shoulders as you squeezed your way through to the bar to request your next drink, and it didn’t help that the room was dimly lit and was accompanied by flashing strobes.

The barkeep slid you a bottle across the counter and you swiftly popped it off, taking a swig before turning around right into somebody. An apology flew out of your mouth before you could even see who it was, their voice catching your attention and making you look at them.

“Hey, no worries! Both still got our drinks, yeah?”

Samson flashed you a grin, his hand light on your arm but enough to keep you steady. You raised your beer to him, his eyes flickered between it and you before raising his own and tapping the neck of your bottles together. You both took another swig.

As you got into conversation, you moved away from the bar towards the wall where there wasn’t much action going on. You talked about how nice the place had been transformed for the night and shared your favorite drinks, occasionally dropping a drunk-story from your youths. And the weird part? You found yourself genuinely enjoying his presence. With the way he kept eye-contact with you and made you feel like he was actually listening and comprehending the words falling out of your mouth, laughing and giving you verbal cues that he was following along, it made you see him in a way you hadn’t before.

You were.. enchanted. If it had been any other man, they’d dominate the conversation, going on about themselves the whole time and forcing you to listen. But with Samson, he treated you like an equal. He never cut you off or interjected to relate, waiting until you were entirely done or if you allowed him to weigh in between your thoughts.

“By the way–” he wiped his mouth of any residual beer, “I don’t want this to come off as weird, but you look incredible tonight. I don't think I’ve ever seen you dress in anything other than like, work clothes– and not that you look bad in that!” You giggled as he tripped over his words, his cheeks flushing a deeper shade. “What I’m trying to say is that I think you’re very beautiful, and I don’t want you to think I’m like Fitz.”

Your fingers brushed against his arm, furrowing your eyebrows at him for thinking such things, “Awh, Samson! You’re nothing like him, I hope you know that.”

He smiled down at his feet before back at you, “I know the other day you said that you and Joel weren’t a thing, and Tommy told me you weren’t seeing anybody– so I guess I’m just triple checking here– is there someone in the picture?”

So this was who Tommy was playing matchmaker for.

Your heart slowed and you fought to keep the innocent smile on your face. Was he approaching you at the bar when you bumped into him? Was he pretending to act like that just to segue into this? Several things ran through your mind as your eyes drifted away from his, and just when he was about to call you back to attention, the devil himself appeared: Tommy.

He swooped in around Samson’s shoulders, nursing a beer in hand. He held a smugness in his demeanor, surely you thought it was about the scene he’d set up until he spoke.

“Looks like you may have a roommate for the night.”

He jerked his hand behind him to a woman leaning against a pillar with Joel standing mere inches in front of her. He stood still with his hands to himself, but dropped his head closer to hers with a clear smile on his face. She beamed up at him with a look you knew all too well, not even attempting to conceal her attraction to him. She laughed too much for your liking while gripping his bicep, probably sneaking in some flirty comment with a double-meaning. Good fucking God.

You thought maybe you had a breakthrough at the lake, but this proved that you clearly didn’t, and you couldn’t believe you were stupid enough to think that what he said had any depth underneath it. Joel cared about you– this you knew. He cared in the same way he cared for Tommy and Ellie. But somewhere along the lines you’d gotten it confused with love, something he had for them, but maybe not you. Samson’s words replayed in your head in a painful reminder.

You said you and Joel weren’t a thing… Tommy told me you weren’t seeing anybody.. Is there someone in the picture?

Your eyes widened then narrowed, your jaw wiring shut as your chest began to heave. Tommy’s grin fell as he watched your features morph into something between resent and heartbreak, his eyes nervously peering from you, to Joel, to Samson as the alcohol took a momentary backseat.

He’d always sensed something between you and Joel after you settled in, though he knew that neither one of you would ever admit to your feelings for each other out of stubbornness. But he saw the way Joel looked at you after saying you didn’t have someone to call your own this morning, how his big brother almost looked offended by the truth of your answer. The reality was that Samson was interested in you, but Tommy had seen it as an opportunity to put pressure on the status between you both, and now he saw that it didn’t go in the direction of which he hoped and it was clearly affecting you.

“Oh, y’know he won’t take ‘er home! Never’s taken anyone. Not like that with him. Too chickenshit.” He tried his best to play off his earlier comment to put you at ease, but by the way the gap seemed to be closing between them only made the green-eyed monster rear its ugly head in full force.

You cleared your throat as you broke away, grabbing three shots off a nearby high table and handing them to the two men before you, needing to wash down the bitter taste in your mouth. “Oh, Tommy, you must’ve mistaken me for someone who cares. Who knows if I’ll even be going home tonight?”

Samson’s face lit up in surprise as you wiggled your brows at him and grabbed his hand to lead away while leaving Tommy open-mouthed as he saw right through your spite. Breathless curses left his mouth as he watched you disappear through the crowd, a frustration growing towards you and Joel for being so goddamn stupid about each other.

The barkeeps fed you two more shots and another beer. The alcohol was definitely hitting now. A few minutes ago, you were properly pissed off, wanting to storm up to Joel and give him a piece of your mind and telling the woman to go kick rocks, but now you were all over Samson, turning up the charm for him. It didn’t matter anymore if he just wanted to fuck, because maybe you’d just let him. He let out a chuckle and smiled, prompting you to tilt your head at him in question.

“The music tonight has been so fucking good,” he drank from the bottle, a smirk forming on your face, “I mean, when was the last time you heard this song?”

The bass riff and guitars let you know exactly what song had been playing, a long-time favorite of yours. You could’ve answered 'a couple months ago' to his question, but you took silent pride in knowing that he was another person impressed by your picks. He understood your cue as you turned your head to the middle of the room and back, placing his hand on the small of your back as you weaved through people. You wrapped an arm around his shoulder as he drew you closer to him by your waist, moving in sync to the beat.

♫

One of these nights One of these crazy old nights We're gonne find out pretty mama What turns on your lights ...

♫

If intimacy, yearning, and sex was a song, surely it’d be this one.

♫

Ooh.. someone to be kind to In between the dark and the light ...

♫

You sang out with your heart, pressing your body into Samson’s, but knowing the lyrics were about him. And deep down, you wanted him to hear it and think of you. Think of how you were the daughter of the devil himself and the angel in white, the woman he’s been looking for with a little of both and how she is in sight.

Around you were all couples reflecting exactly what you’d been doing, some doing more but your eyes didn’t linger on them long. You caught the faces of work friends and neighbors totally focused on their person as you swayed around, smiling at their fun. Eventually, the whole room sang along, an imperfect harmony to your ears that you couldn’t get tired of hearing tonight.

As the song winded down, Samson held you closer and craned his head down until your foreheads and noses were touching, still swaying to the guitar riffs. You took it a step further and pressed your mouth to his, your hand cupping his cheek and fingertips grazing his hair. You hadn’t expected anything out of it other than the feeling of your lips on someone else’s, but you didn’t pull away. You couldn’t. Your tongues found one another every other kiss, deepening as they went. His warmth kept you glued to him, and you found yourself taking a liking to his taste of alcohol and.. mint, maybe? Definitely something with an icy, refreshing hint.

You didn’t realize how long you’d been kissing, or kissing enough times that it was leading to straight-up making out, until you heard clear hoots and whistles during the switch between songs. When you pulled away, his lips were noticeably more plump compared to earlier, and the tingling sensation on yours let you know that they probably looked the same. You bit your bottom lip as you looked around at the ones cheering you on, the corners of your mouth curling up, but you broke out into a complete grin once you saw his face.

♫

Off with your head Dance til you're dead Heads will roll Heads will roll ...

♫

You’d almost tripped over your own two feet, discreetly looking over Samson’s shoulder from left to right to make sure you were seeing things right, and the excitement you felt when they were? Unmatched. And almost as if it’d been planned, the perfect song was playing.

If he’d been giving you or Samson a death-stare, you couldn’t tell, but either way, you loved seeing the scowl on his face. His fingers tightly curled around his beer that if he did it any tighter it’d break, the hard lines on his face prominent to you even this far away. You situated yourself to the side, giving him the perfect view as you brushed your nose against Samson’s, giving him your best doe eyes before melting into his mouth again, making sure that Joel could see the smile on your lips when you broke away and went back for more.

Your body winded up as the song progressed, building up to the drop and heavy riff. The strobe lights blinked quickly enough to cause a stroboscopic effect on everyone’s movement, perceiving them to move slower than they actually were. But when you looked back at Joel, he stayed completely still, his eyes locked on you between the several bodies that separated you from him. He looked so.. menacing.. that it made you shiver and throb. A wicked grin spread on your lips.

♫

Off, off with your head! Dance, dance til you're dead!

♫

Turning around, you pressed into Samson and grinded your backside into him. His hands were off you as quickly they were on you, frowning at the absence, you spun around and saw why: Tommy, again. You’d suspected something bad from the way his gaze fell back and forth between you both and he had a strong hand on his shoulder, but were eased when Samson held up a finger to you and smiled.

As much as you wanted to dance, you also wanted another drink, the empty bottle in your hand now warm from holding it for so long. Sliding shoulders through the floor, you looked between the bar and the bathroom, choosing to make the pitstop before continuing on. Pushing in the door, you were relieved there wasn’t a line, darting into an open stall to squat and do your business. As you finished, another body entered the bathroom in heels that clicked and echoed until they stopped in front of the sink, to what you imagined was a woman checking her makeup. When you got out, you saw their reflection in the mirror– indeed they’d been checking their face, but it’d also been the woman that’d been smitten with Joel. You paid no mind to her other than your initial glance, ignoring her presence and harshly scrubbing the soap on your hands.

“That older Miller’s somethin’, ain’t he?” Your hands froze under the running water. “I only got a taste earlier, but I bet he’s real good in bed.”

The fuck does she mean she got a taste earlier?

Your face must’ve been showing too much of a reaction based on the stupid fucking smile on hers and a snobbish laugh. Not even bothering to dry off your hands with paper towel, you rubbed them against your jeans and threw the door open to leave, storming up to the bar and impatiently tapping your fingers against the wood as you waited.

Fuck her, and fuck Joel. And you know what? Fuck Tommy, too. If he hadn’t brought it to your attention, maybe you wouldn’t have seen it. Then you wouldn’t have downed one too many drinks and legitimately considered sleeping with someone as rebound off hurt feelings, and then maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t be feeling like all kinds of fucked up right now. You blinked back the burning in your eyes. Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry over this right now.

The lights returned to their original dimness and calmed down on the strobes, allowing you to search around a bit easier for any of the three people you found yourself with most tonight, but had no luck. Samson and Tommy were out of sight, and you didn’t have the slightest idea of what he pulled Samson away for. As for Joel, he moved from the last spot you remembered him in, or was it over there? You shook your head. It didn’t take much contemplation to decide on going home, you had your fun, but it was over, and you were too far gone to spark it back up in any capacity.

You held your arms tight to your body as you embraced the cool air on the walk to Rancher Street, a fair distance from the Tipsy Bison. The lightness in your head caused you to stumble quite a bit, wishing that either your house was closer or that someone would’ve walked with you. Other times when you drank too much, though it didn’t happen very often, either Tommy or Joel were right there at your side to get you home safe, but you wanted to throw yourself in someone’s yard and pass the fuck out rather than be alone.

Stomping up the porch, you caught yourself on the doorknob last minute as you tripped, fumbling it open and pushing inside. You ungracefully dropped to your ass, tugging at the aglets of your laces in the dark until the knots came undone and kicked your shoes off. So focused on keeping yourself upright, you hadn’t noticed Joel staring at you while leaning against the entryway of the living room with his arms crossed.

“Wasn’t expecting you.” His tone was deep and flat. You scoffed as you got off the floor, face contorting as you mocked him.

“I live here, don’t I?”

“Alone, I meant.” You shook your head as you walked past him, but he grabbed your wrist and held you in place, feeling the heat of his glare on your back. “You gon’ tell me what the hell that was back there?”

You met his eyes over your shoulder. “That was me having a good time. Same as you with that lovely woman.”

“Bullshit.” He shot back. “That wasn’t the same.”

“Oh, please,” you scoffed while yanking your wrist back, turning into the kitchen and bracing yourself along the island, “s’hardly a difference.”

“Really?” He followed you, his frustration apparent in the way his jaw clenched. “‘Cause it sure looked like you were all over him tryin’ to prove somethin’.”

You pointed at yourself, “I don’t have anything to prove to anybody!” you snapped, the words coming out slow but loud, “And if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re jealous.”

His eyes darkened, slowly taking a step towards you, “I am not-”

“Then what the fuck is wrong?” You staggered around the island on the emphasis of the curse, throwing your hands up, “I didn’t do a damn thing, and you’re losing your fucking head!”

“You didn’t– Wow.” A wry laugh came out his mouth. He waved you off, his tone dripping with bitterness. “I ain’t gotta explain myself to you.”

“And neither do I!” You retorted in defiance, your arms grandly gesturing. Your cheeks were hot with anger now, more so than before. “I can do whatever the hell I want, Joel! I don’t need your fucking permission!”

He dragged a hand down his face, turning away from you before whipping around and meeting you at the end of the island, raising his voice at you. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

“And you’re insufferable!” you seethed as you pushed his chest, his hands seizing your wrists, “Acting like you have some fucking claim over me when we’re not even together!”

The silence after your outburst was deafening.

His anger faltered as a flash of pain crossed his face, quickly making your own frustration subside. The hard lines on his face deepened, a slight frown and somberness settling upon it. His grip on your wrists remained firm, but there was a hint of vulnerability in his touch. You wanted to blame the alcohol for making you so mean, but it was really the floodgate of feelings that’d been repressed for far too long.

You huffed, “Joel, I-” he interrupted you by tearing his eyes away from yours and releasing your wrists.

The pang in your chest was unmistakable. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. This was the part where everything was supposed to come out, to confront the truth of your feelings, but instead he was backing away, retreating and shutting down that conversation before it could even begin. You said his name again, but he simply raised his hand and continued to walk out of the kitchen.

Fuck– No. No, no, no. Your dejection passed and your temper flared up again. No, he doesn’t get to just walk away.

“Joel!” You called out, your voice tinged with frustration and desperation, “Joel, stop!”

But he didn’t. He kept walking, putting more distance between you and fueling your determination. Your heart was pounding as you quickened your pace to catch up with him upstairs, his arm just out of reach before he slammed his door in your face. He didn’t respond when you pounded on the door and demanded for him to come out, your temper mixing between anger and hurt.

“Screw you, Joel! I’m so tired of this– whatever the fuck this is!” Your voice trembled, feeling a punch to the gut when you remembered an obnoxiously accurate point he’d made to you once before. “I-I fucked up– but people do things when they’re scared!”

Your eyes stung, and it hadn’t dawned on you yet that you were potentially jeopardizing everything by blabbering off, but you couldn’t stop now.

“I can’t- Fuck-” a ruined sigh forced itself out your lungs, your thoughts moving too fast for you to comprehend, “If you’re gonna break my heart, do it now, because I can’t-”

You didn’t know when he’d opened the door and stepped out, but you stopped your rambling as soon as you saw him. The silence fell heavy, the only sound being his boots stepping towards you until his chest was nearly touching yours and his breath fanned over your skin. Your eyes darted around his face, from his eyes, to his nose, lips, beard, and back to his eyes again. Just the slightest inch forward and you’d be touching him, the fact making you shiver and fiercely pulse between your thighs.

Your heart ached when you saw the raw emotion in his eyes– an amalgamation of sadness, yearning, lust, and tenderness– all things you grew to be familiar with when you found yourselves running in circles. You couldn’t stand the way his eyes flickered between yours and how his warm hands were slowly reaching up to cup your face. And how you could now feel his chest pressed against yours. And how his lips parted. And that fucking look on his face.

“Joel,” you quavered, “don’t..”

But he knew.

A soft, broken breath escaped you as it was all suddenly becoming too real, reaching the point of no return.

“Don’t look at me like that unless you mean it.”

His lips crashed into yours.

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