How do I talk to someone I want to sleep with about my asexuality?
A Scarleteen user asked: "I don’t know if this is the right place to ask, but I’m totally lost. I am in my early 20s and have identified as asexual for about five years now. I’m very open with this identity, so most people I know are aware of this. But I’ve recently started dating someone new who I don’t think knew this, and, more confusingly, I actually think I am attracted to him in that way. So, for the first time, I want to sleep with someone, but I also think I need to talk to him about my ace-ness and that it doesn’t seem to apply to him, especially before someone else tells him, and he feels like I’ve lied to him. I just don’t know where to start or if this is important and, through all this, I’m just trying to tackle a new feeling for myself. Any advice?"
Heather replied: "You might already know that sexuality often shifts throughout life, and that it’s particularly common for it to shift around even more than usual when we’re younger, and still getting a basic sense of who we are as people, how we feel in our sexualities and bodies, and how we feel about other people. But just because orientation shifts are common sure doesn’t mean that they’re not confusing or surprising, nor that they’re simple to work through!
Before I say anything else, I want to say this: I don’t know that I’d leap to the notion that you’re not ace with this person, but are with everyone else. Not so quickly, anyway, and not just based on how you feel about one person.
If asexuality has been an identity that has felt like a good home for you so far, it may or may not be something you’re necessarily parting with when it comes to this person, so much as that may be experiencing your sexuality and/or your asexuality differently than you have up until now. A new relationship can be destabilizing enough — even when it is the good kind of destabilizing! — and rethinking your whole sexual identity at the same time could be a lot for you to deal with at once.
Why not give yourself some time to really think about how you feel about this when it comes to who you are, rather than focusing on how it is in the company of one person? After all, your feelings for him don’t invalidate the whole of your sexual identity, especially since plenty of people on the ace spectrum discover there are some people they want to be sexual with or have desire for, or some circumstances in which they want sex with someone, not unlike plenty of straight people, for example, feel sexual attraction to someone (or even more than one someone) of a same or similar gender within a lifetime." ...
Continue reading Heather's reply if this is relatable or you're just curious to know! How do I talk to someone I want to sleep with about my asexuality? Answered by Heather Corrina.
