#another long post

[siigncrushesmotorist]

what the heck — i tried to run away when i was 6 (but got too scared to cross the street)

"Not so sure what you think of me / I think you're the bees knees / Converting all of that / Small talk prodigy / There's not much of anything, anything to do / Sit and talk about anything, anything with you ."

been thinking about a lot of things recently . mainly about how lucky i am to have the people around me . i have good friends , good people that ive surrounded myself with , and im forever grateful for them . i don't know where i would be without them .

i am forever grateful especially for my girlfriend , she has been nothing but the best towards me and i really appreciate her . even when things were difficult , she remained by my side , she remained with me when i was . not well . she made sure i ate , she made sure i was taking care of myself . i cannot wait to grow old with her , to love her for the rest of my life .

a special mention: my little brother , who i met under some not so good circumstances , but would go through it over and over again if it meant i got someone like him out of it .

i want to talk about someone else very important to me . r , genuinely i am so glad we met . you've quickly become one of my closest friends , and i love talking to you . you're so very talented , and i cannot wait to meet you in person .

c , you know who you are , i can't wait to get you down here so we can do all of the things we've talked about . i can't wait to meet you in person , i can't wait to hang out with you .

and to the rest of my friends , close or not , know that you mean the world to me . you all are all so very special to me , each in your own ways .

i know most of them will never see this , or if they do , they won't know it's me behind the account , but truly im so thankful for you all .

[clownboy18]

Warning: this post is very, very long. And may contain some... cussing.

*inhale* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHF*************************CK!!!!😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

NONONONO! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! COME ON! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING RN!!!

I wrote a seahorse fic! I created a seahorse playlist! I made a seahorse tattoo! I even drew seahorse fanart!! (Which I will post once its completed)

Punko, when I said I wanted to see more Wave I didn't mean THIS!!

Out of ALL the faces Wave could've made he chose that one! When my little sis saw Wave she was like "See?! I told you he was evil!"

Pictures speak a thousand words and this one certainly does.

I knew something abt him was off, I just kept denying it. He was too nice, too charming, too perfect. I knew smth was wrong when the f* dude mentioned AI.

I was like what? Wait, hold up. Why is he talking abt AI? That... that's not good.

F*ck. The theories were right. Even a couple Wave theories I had written my note pad have come to light. Goddammit, I am so distraught & disappointed rn.

Because of this I don't think seahorse will ever be Canon and that just brings my hopes down.

One thing I don't understand is WTH is this comic tagged as a comedy?! Why?! Punko ended this arc in the most scariest possible. F*ck, we're screwed.

The dudes been a fake this whole time and Deacon is falling for it. Hook, line, and sinker. Deacon's been screwed over in this comic more than once but... I think this will be the BIGGEST screw over Deacon will ever experience.

Omg, if Wave does backstab Deacon that will be the final straw and Deacon will start his villain arc.

Someone said that Punko mentioned Deacon would be going places in s2 & I'm like yeah, therapy if Wave follows through with whatever he's scheming.

Y'know since Deacon & Wave had started hanging out together I've wondered why Wave would stand beside or a little behind him, he's done it like 3 arcs in a row.

And now I'm realizing he prob did it so could make faces at him without Deacon noticing & we get to see it in this ep. And the freaky part is that NOBODY else got to see his face but us.

I thought he was making the face at Nox but he already left the book. The dude was looking directly at Dorkin. That's... concerning...

The funny part is that Deacon says it wasn't Waves fault when it actually kind of is.

And that he couldn't have known abt it. Umm, smth tells me he did or else he wouldn't have brought it up without knowing it'd involve Buddy into the mix. He prob said all that to get Buddy to expose himself about who/ what he really is and cause a rift between the gang.

Either that or it was to confirm Buddy really wasn't part of the group & test if Deacon would believe his apology. Or all of the above.

Thank GOD Buddy had the commen sense to not tell them he's a key in front of Wave. That would've been BAD.

When Deacon says he'll give Buddy 1 more chance you can kinda see Waves face being like: "Sh*t. It didn't it work." And than his face when he smiles is like " Hmph. So he does trust/believe me..."

If he was trying to break up Buddy & Chase that's f* up. And we thought Dorkin was the biggest anti-stargoth.

*GASP* What if Wave is homophobic?! *brain explodes* I really, really hope that's not the case.

The thing is that if breaking up the group didn't work what is Waves goal now? It's still unclear. Divide & conquer? Get Buddy to reveal his secret?

And what is he even getting out of all this if isn't money for his "family"? A wish? Release? Is he even being held prisoner? Are Wave & Ro REALLY Buddy's? Or was that a lie, too? F*ck. This proves that Wave is a better liar than me. Uuuuuuggghhhhh.

This prob means that his "kinda gf" doesn’t exist at all either. Yay, kind of a small victory for me. *"enthusiastically" pumps fist in air*

Tbh, it isn't really Deacon's fault that he doest fully trusts Buddy on everything like Chase does, cause in the beginning of s1 all Chase ever talked abt was how Buddy was such a big jerk, etc, etc.

So Deacon's perception/ view of Buddy is a bit corrupted because of what Chase kept telling him abt the goth. And took what his cousin said abt the dude & banked off of it. Imagine being in Dorkins shoes where like 1 moment ur cousin is saying this guy is the worst person in the whole entire world & than the next he's dating the same dude.

Like, what? But didn't you say this guy was an asshole last week??

After all things between Buddy & Deacon did get off to a rocky start when they first met eachother, quite literally cause Buddy threw a rock on his head & stepped all over the plan he was drawing out in the dirt in toffees break arc. I mean, talk abt first impressions.

So can't really blame Deacon for trusting Wave a little bit more than Buddy. And Wave did make first good impression on Deacon. Deacon still might have his cons with Buddy but he believes in Chases decision to trust Buddy despite everything. And Chase does turn out to be right abt stuff.

What I'm not understanding is that did Wave have something important to ask Deacon or tell him? Cause he told Pru he had something very important to ask Dorkin but instead he told him abt the narrtonin stuff. This man's not getting his story straight.

Idea?! What kind of idea?! That is freaking me out.

Well, now we know Wave is specifically wanting smth to do with Buddy for whatever reason. He knows Deacon isn't really fond of him and that Buddy doesn't like him at all so Wave is using that to his advantage. Use Deacon to get to Buddy.

No wonder why Wave asked abt Buddy to Pru.

Buddy mentioned that he needed to get Silver back before the old man noticed a page from his spell book was missing. Now that it's confirmed Buddy is using the back door spell, Wave telling his boss that, the old man will put 2 & 2 together.

AW, CRAP. I just realized if whatever Wave & the old man's intentions were before probably changed after Chase asked Wave if a certain boy (Buddy) was there or used to work there at ex-libris in the shadows arc. Wave, curious, prob asked his boss abt this black haired, blue eyed dude with the villainess key, sparking interest in the old man. And so on & so forth. Soo... I think Chase put his own boyfriend in danger.

How tf does Wave know there's a room with jars full of narrtonin if the old man doesn't let him wandered around the building? Hmm?? Wave, you slipped up! (Unless I'm wrong)

I thought Wave was tracking both Chase & Deacon but since he said apple symbol (Bronze) than we know for certain he started following them after the the toffees break arc. Since that was Deacons first book.

Maybe Buddy didn't show up in the pirate book with Deacon, but maybe someone else did... but something doesn't add up.

If Wave going into the backdoor spell drained Deacon's narrtonin he would've been low all the time just like Chase. But in the party crashers arc Chase said Deacon got a whole lot of narrtonin. And since Wave was in there too Deacon should've been kinda low. But Chase also told Buddy Deacon had his ups & downs with his narratonin collecting in the Alice arc.

Hmmm, this sounds familiar. Wave might be mixing truth with lies but maybe he isn't lying when he says he doesn't understand some of the book traveling stuff. Deacon, when he first went into books, thought you get more narrtonin when doing the book right. Which would mean having to know what's going on in the book in order to do it right. So, maybe Wave is having the same theory. And Deacon failed to correct him on that cause he got hooked on the spell stuff.

Also love that we get to see smexy Deacon again.

I knew this whole entire time Waves been targeting Deacon. He's been targeting Deacon since since day one. ( little shadows arc) Being all nice and friendly to coax Deacon out of his shell.

And Deacon... is really comfortable around the dude. Like he pretty much threw all caution to the wind, accepting the guy as his little buddy. Waves been doing it to use Deacon for future use and get him on his side. Like "Usually the grass on the other side looks greener cause it's fake" kinda thing.

And now I think Wave knows it's working.

Which is why he smirked or whatever the hell that devious smile was.

It's funny how Punko had us worrying abt a stargoth breakup but now I'm panicking abt a seahorse "breakup" arc (Dorkin finding out Waves been faking) that's going to be so hard to read. I hope its not gonna be like "it was easy, i just had to tell you what you wanted to hear." Kinda thing. That's going to be f* up.

Especially for Deacon. I might need therapy.

Someone in the perfect halo arc comments said Wave was God's gift to Deacon and I'm like his gift... or demise? And I think it might be the 2nd one.

Besides that there's something I also wanted to talk abt. It's interesting how Wave & Buddy's tactics to get info are both sinster in their own ways (past tense for Nox cause he's not doing it anymore) & I think it has to do w/ ex-libris.

I wonder if ex-libris's practices are associated with the mind because Buddy talking to Chases subconscious while his body was asleep in order to get info in the beach boys arc is something he probably learned from ex-libris. Cause, like, what street Victorian boy knows how to do that?? And that was stealthy and kinda sinster.

And Wave, is not far from that.

Wave instead is mingling & getting friendly w/ the group in order to get info. Along w/ "bonding" with Dorkin. The difference between the 2 getting info is that Buddy did it in secret/ quietly, while Wave is doing it openly and from right under their noses.

That's f* scary. The man KNOWS what he's doing.

Even if Buddy did get Chases super personal info he wouldn't have been able to do anything with it, unlike Wave, who can do a hell load of damage for the Hollows & the keyple.

Despite everything I'm saying abt Wave, I still have a teeny, tiny bit of hope for him. (And I still love surfdork) Maybe in the future his intentions will change. After all CB is abt character growth & other stuff so, maybe Wave will grow too (not taller cause the dudes already a giant). Also, folks on tiktok speak of this... redemption arc for Wave.

If I'm going to manifest anything it's gonna be that.

I will be keeping a close eye on Wave though in the meantime...

[cruisersensei]

The Biggest Fan

probably the funniest one out of all the Big Revelations about the beautifully messy dynamics of the culkins is that, when you really look into it, fake chuck is a genuine fan of both real chuck’s work and him as an artist in general. it’s all real. and there’s so much more truth to his endless flattery that it initially seems.

those who know me are aware that, to me, the two chucks’ dynamic is a puzzle i’ve been methodically solving for months. there’s just something so compelling about that weird codependent thing they have, with all of its peculiarities and contradictions. and now i can proudly say that i’ve found what seems to be the final piece of this puzzle (great thanks to my dear friend).

it’s this little panel from chapter 100 i never really noticed because of, well, everything else that’s going on in chapter 100.

things are Bad. as bad as they get. and still — half-dead with shock and fear, in a situation where a single misstep could cost him his life, fake chuck manages to suggest making the bat cuter.

after that, even while kevin yamagata is still in the states and should be the focus of his attention, he, for some indiscernible reason, singles out chuck instead and praises his dedication while berating kevin as a slacker. he’s all alone here, with no one to lie to, and he has no reason whatsoever (as of yet) to watch chuck so closely. chuck’s unimportant. chuck shouldn’t really matter when it comes to kevin yamagata’s billy bat. he himself doesn’t think he matters. but fake chuck seems to like him (look at that stupid grin!) and he seems to prefer him to kevin — perhaps, the only person to do so back then.

and even after all those years he seems to genuinely think that chuck is the only good comics artist in the whole world. chuck hates himself, chuck deems his art worthless and impossible to like, but fake chuck — once again, with no one around; no reason for empty flattery — expresses sincere belief that there’s no one else up to the task. more than that: he was sure of it even before seeing other artists’ submissions (see the “i thought so”).

whenever chuck shows his work to anyone, he asks if the person likes it — in a manner which wordlessly implies: i know you don’t like it. i know you can’t like it, so tell me the truth straight to my face, help me to punish myself for all of my wrongdoings, both real and imagined. he appears to have convinced himself that not a single person alive genuinely enjoys his work and would prefer it in a world where all versions of billy bat are equally accessible. but such a person exists.

there’s a man in the world who’s so sure that billy bat is best when he’s cute that he says so with his literal life on the line, who admires chuck’s way of working and views him as a worthy artist on his own merits, and who sincerely believes that there’s no better artist in the whole world. there’s someone who enjoys chuck’s art greatly and wants to see more of it. his biggest, most loyal fan. it just so happens that this person is also a huge liar and someone intrinsically tied to a lot of chuck’s suffering. someone who convinced and enabled him to make the worst mistake of his life.

so it must all be flattery and lies, mustn’t it?

[chiariuchiha]

[ b a s i c i n f o ]

Name: Uchiha, Chiari 

[Chiari  一光  -  一 one, solely, exclusively 光  moment, time, date]

Aliases / Nicknames:  Coyote [ANBU], Jackal [Bounty Hunting]

Gender: Cis Female

Pronouns: She/Her/Hers

Place of Birth: Konohagakure

Rank/Status:  Formerly: Jounin, ANBU

          Current: Missing-nin           Current: Unknown

Height: 5’-10”

Eye Color: Black

Hair:  Black, currently lands at about her collarbone in choppy layers, previously a bit longer

Scars and identifiable features: Small vertical scar on lower lip/chin from kunai, large penetration scar on lower left abdomen with complementary wound at her back, slightly higher, small linear scar at hairline on the left side of her forehead, 3 piercings left ear (helix, 2 lobe) 1 piercing right ear (1 lobe), Konoha ANBU tattoo, left shoulder

Skills:

Kekkei genkai: Sharingan (3 tomoe) varies in earlier verses

Chakra natures: primary are lightning and water, secondary is fire

Weapons preferences: tanto, kunai, previously shuriken

Fighting style:  [ headcanon post - wip , also see bottom of post] formless fighting, using enemy underestimation to her advantage, anything is a weapon

Techniques: [Future Link - WIP]

Relatives: 

Mother: Rui (deceased)

Father: Makito (deceased)

Sister: Ayane (deceased)

Family background: All three were civilians.  Her parents owned a bakery. They were not particularly enthusiastic about her choosing to train as a shinobi, but didn't try to prohibit it. [Future Link - WIP]

[ s t o r y s o f a r ]

Critically injured during a solo ANBU infiltration mission, Chiari was considered missing and presumed dead by her home village of Konoha.  Due to the sensitive nature of the mission, no information regarding her potential whereabouts was released to avoid a diplomatic fallout with the village in question.

With no body recovered, she was quietly reclassified as a missing-nin, long before she willingly accepted that identity herself.  In some cruel twist of irony, her experience with death spared her from the same end that took her family, friends, and nearly everyone else she knew nearly two months later.

Chiari was found by a stranger, revived, and nursed back to health over the course of several months. Though her visual recall was usually keen, she couldn't recall a single detail about the person who saved her. When she tried to picture their face, it was simply a blur. Their voice was distorted, and any other identifiable features felt like they were erased. She had spent much of the early recovery in a haze of fever and delirium, unable to distinguish what was real and what was not, but something about the absence of any information about the person didn't sit right with her. How are you to repay a debt when you can't even remember who you owe?

Secluded away from the bustle and gossip of any villages, she remained unaware of the massacre until she began her journey home. Overwhelmed and terrified of what might await her upon her return, she made a quick decision and vanished, taking advantage of her presumed death to disappear. The thought of returning felt like a death sentence simply by association with her clan name, and the bone-chilling fear that struck her at even facing that fate sent her back to the shadows.  If the world believed her to be dead, perhaps it was better that way.

Her return from death's door left her with some unusual side effects that blur the line between reality and dreams. Haunted, now seemingly literally, by the ones she had lost, she staggered along, grasping for explanations with the unsettling fear that she was going out of her mind. [headcanon - ghosts]

After her recovery, she took on odd jobs. What began as small tasks and chores soon turned into something more elaborate.  One of the civilians she assisted picked up on her habits, the way she was always a little too aware of her surroundings, the way she was quick to react to any noise, and figured her to be a shinobi. They eventually asked for her help dealing with a less than savory man who frequently harassed the small community nearby, taking food, supplies, money, and chasing all of these thefts with threats.  It was an easy task for hands honed for killing, and when it was done, the stranger had encouraged Chiari to claim the bounty.

While initially reluctant to venture into any tasks that resembled her former life, she slipped into the role of bounty hunting far too easily.  She started off small, targeting low risk bounties whose crimes justified their fate when she weighed them against their lives.  Necessity soon demanded more and more of her - the cost of supplies, food, information, the occasional night in a real bed rather than a tree branch.

As time passed, she grew bolder, picking off bigger targets and losing herself in the hunt, and in turn, her grief.  She fashioned a new mask for herself, something vaguely reminiscent of her old ANBU mask, layered with a fabric one beneath to cover her face.  Eventually, she found that she felt almost comfortable with the risk of even using her Sharingan without fear of exposure; no one can snitch if they don’t survive the encounter after all.  

Her kills are efficient, if not a bit messy in practice, and unintentionally, her new alias may eventually earn her a bit of a reputation. The safety of donning a mask for this work had a secondary convenience, allowing her to move freely among normal civilians, taking advantage of the anonymity.  There was a strange comfort in blending into the ordinary lives of non-shinobi when she could, though deep down, it was just a shallow facade giving her the smallest glimpse of normalcy.

[ v e r s e s ]

All of these verses are open to any to interact with. If you have a preference, please reach out.

I [default/after] - Early Shippuden Timeline, all of the above applies.

II [ before ] - Anything occurring prior to the massacre (includes childhood, the third great ninja war, her time in the ANBU, and anything leading up to the massacre). Currently, mostly interacting with Itachi (kiigan)and Kakashi (asparkleofmuses)

III [ au ] - The massacre did not occur. Description pending. Currently the least visited verse. No ghosts here, but the eerie nighttime dreams and waking dreams continue. Something about being honed into a weapon for battles that aren't yours to fight, and what happens when the fight is over.

[ c o m m o n l y m e n t i o n e d ]

These muses may be mentioned in interactions. If you do not wish to have this occur, please let me know prior to writing with me. I do not mind writing with duplicates of Kakashi, and Itachi but these lovelies are people I will be interacting with often and will be intertwined in the story. As for Hidan, I will only be interacting with this particular portrayal.

Kakashi -howlingthunder Itachi - kiigan Hidan - holy-havoc

[ h e a d c a n o n s ]

As I write and continue to develop my character, I reserve the right to go back and edit my headcanons.

Sharingan - Crafted by Kiigan with an addition by Firefly - and a few notes from myself Good is Not Soft / Critical of the System Unluckily Lucky Migraines Tradition Semi-Photographic Memory Ghosts - Linked above in about section Fighting - Linked above in about section

[townsenddecades]

1333 – Day 3 – Townsend Farm (3/3)

Malika, as can be easily guessed, isn’t pleased about her daughter’s amorous misadventures, but she reacts far more calmly than Amye’s father – and even Benjamin becomes less harsh once he has had time to digest the news, although he remains distant from his eldest daughter. Amye’s mother even asks her why she hasn’t confided in her, but Amye can’t give her a straight answer. Shame, she supposes. Or the hope that it would just stay buried.

For some time after that, her parents hardly let her her out of their sights, and her siblings and Hawise, who of course learn of what she has done soon afterwards, regard her with a varying mixture of pity and exasperation. As a result, she spends as much time doing solitary chores as she can.

By the time she is allowed to travel to the village on her own again, another few weeks have passed, and she has all but given up hope that Sir Silas might ever show his face in her vicinity again.

And then he’s just…there when she is walking through Tovar one evening, surveying the peaceful houses around the small marketplace. She doesn’t even dare believe her eyes at first.

And then she is running towards him, lest he disappear again. “Sir Silas!”

She doesn’t know what expression she expected to see on his face when he turns around. Shame, maybe. Awkwardness, at least. Maybe even relief to see her again. But his face as he nods to her is just unreadable. “Mistress Amye.”

She had expected to feel joy at his sight, but instead, every emotion she has been supressing for weeks bubbles up, and it’s all she can do to keep them contained. When she speaks, her voice is, as a result, icy. “I didn’t expect to see you here. Or rather, I expected to see you much sooner and then gave up hope.”

“I am sorry to have disappointed you. I…was kept busy by my tasks in town.”

“Too busy to come see if…if what we did had resulted in a child?”

A lady of good breeding probably wouldn’t have been so blunt about it or wouldn’t have gotten herself into this situation to begin with. Luckily, Amye isn’t a lady and too angry to fear censure. In the event, her words finally make a hint of shame flit over Sir Silas’ face.

After a moment, he sighs, his gaze flitting down her body. “To be honest, I just hoped that it wouldn’t. And I see that I was correct.”

“It hasn’t been that long since…that night”, she says drily. “You wouldn’t be able to tell.”

“But you’re not.” It isn’t a question.

She is annoyed, but he deserves an honest answer. “No. I am not.”

“So…no harm done.”

“Oh yes, harm done”, she whispers fervently. The only thing keeping her from raising her voice is that there are still, even at this late hour, people walking between the houses. If they start a screaming match in the middle of the village, they could have the entirety of its inhabitants here in a matter of minutes. And she doesn’t want more people to know of her shame than already do.

Besides, a growing part of her is relieved to see him. Painfully relieved.

“The last few weeks have been torture!”, she explains to him, voice still low. “My family knows what happened, and Watcher knows who else. I thought you were an honourable man, and then I woke up there alone.”

At her words, he looks alarmed. “But your family hasn’t mistreated you?”

“My father wasn’t overly enthused about his daughter giving herself away without even the promise of marriage”, she says, as calmly as she can. He sighs, putting his hand on her shoulder.

“What happened…shouldn’t have. I had no right to treat you that way. But if you can believe me, rest assured that I only left as I did because I didn’t want to risk discovery by staying any longer than necessary.”

She lowers her gaze, suddenly tired. His motives make sense, and the earnest look in his eyes makes her believe that he really meant to act in her best interest. But she can’t forget how alone she felt with all of it. “That’s not what it felt like for me”, she says quietly. “I grew up hearing about noblemen…using peasant girls like that.”

“And you thought I had done the same with you”, he concludes. “Well, I can’t fault you for that.”

“Can’t you? You’re a knight, and my family is not exactly in the best of circumstances at this moment.”

“I’m an old knight, Mistress Amye. To be honest, that is part of why I left. Besides wanting it to stay buried, I imagine a beautiful lass like you has a plenty of far younger suitors lining up at her door.”

“Not exactly”, she says softly. That has never bothered her, and even the idea that what has happened might affect her chances at a marriage doesn’t disturb her as much as it might other women. She has never wanted any other life than that on her family’s farm. Until now.

Sir Silas tilts his head at her. “So, you’re honestly telling me there’s no village lad vying for your affections?”

“No”, she answers, truthfully. “I never wanted them to.” She takes a deep breath. “You are the first man I’ve ever felt…drawn to, in that way.”

That certainly is not what any lady would say, but she needs him to know how she feels. That she wouldn’t share just any man’s bed, peasant girl or not. She still does not quite know why she did what she did – just chasing away her sadness for a while might have been part of it – but she also can’t deny that she feels drawn to him in a way she never has to any boy in the village. She doesn’t know if it’s love she feels. She certainly doesn’t believe she’s infatuated with him. But there’s something.

He blinks at her. “Of everything that could come out of your mouth, I was least expecting that.”

“Why would you? You’re a knight, you’re honourable, you’re kind. Any woman, especially of my circumstances, would be lucky to have your attention, sir.”

“I’m also old and lonely, while you are young and beautiful.”

“Why would you be lonely? You’re a knight. I’m sure there are plenty of women of your own station who would love to be your wife.”

It’s ludicrous to think that he would marry her. The best she could have hoped for, had she conceived a child, would have been that he would have provided for it, like the earl had done for her uncle Robert. Noblemen don’t marry peasants. It is against the natural order of things, against the hierarchy the Watcher had placed them in. Even her aunt Anna’s marriage had been controversial, and the Crawleys are just rich, not noble.

An expression she can’t quite describe flits across Sir Silas’ face, too fast for her to catch. “Maybe I missed my chance. I spent a long time…shackled to the past, so to speak. And I fear it is too late for me now.”

She looks up at him, sympathy swelling in her chest. It is strange that a man in his position has never married, when her uncle Robert barely waited to be out of squiring to take a wife. Maybe there had been someone in the past, and he had never gotten over that. Maybe he had loved someone unattainable to him.

She takes his hand in hers. “I’m sorry for that, but I don’t believe that’s true. You deserve every happiness, and I believe that you can still find it.”

He sighs. “I fear you’re more optimistic than I, dear girl. Unless…”

The odd look on his face becomes even odder. He is staring at her intently, obviously turning something over in his mind. To be frank, it almost scares her a little, to be looked like at that. Her heart is pounding so hard she almost believes she can hear it echo through the still night air.

“Yes?”, she asks, hesitantly.

He takes her other hand, the one she isn’t already holding, and presses both of them with his. Then, he takes a deep breath. “What I’m about to say may seem a bit…strange, to you, given our differences in station and your family’s current circumstances. But I want you to marry me.”

She stares at him.

And then stares at him some more.

But he doesn’t start to laugh, or to even break face. He is simply staring at her earnestly.

Oh Watcher, he is serious.

“What?”, she finally manages.

“I want you to marry me”, he repeats. “You say that you find me honourable and kind, but did not behave that way when I left you as I did. Especially after my meetings with you have been my brightest moments of the last few months. I found myself thinking of you often, especially since our last meeting. And if you’re right, and I’m not too old for happiness yet, I want to grasp it where I find it.”

“But…but my family is in no position to pay a suitable dowry, and your peers certainly wouldn’t approve.”

“They may not wish to associate with you”, he admits, raising a hand to cradle her cheek. “But you will be a lady, and I have some means to ensure that you will be provided for, even after I am gone, even without a dowry. If you’ll have me.”

By now, she has gotten her bearings a little, but that doesn’t mean she has an answer.

A knight has just asked for her hand in marriage. A noble. Some would say that she would be a fool to reject him; he could offer her a life in comfort that she couldn’t dare dream of before, and he would take her without a dowry. Marrying him would mean the chance to provide for her family. It seems too good to be true.

And that’s precisely the problem. Things that seem too good to be true often are.

She doesn’t know how to behave as a lady, and what she has said is true: those of his station won’t possibly accept her, while she will be too grand for those of hers. She would have to leave her family for an uncertain future.

But she likes him. She likes him a lot. Her parents might grow impatient one day and marry her off to a man that could mistreat her, like the earl has done to her cousin Elsie. Oh, she says she is content, but Amye remembers how miserable Elsie was at the start of her marriage, and she sees how little love is lost between her and her husband.

And, frankly, she thinks she might also enjoy more of what she and Sir Silas shared that night in the tavern, even if it’s sinful to think like that.

“Mistress Amye?”, he asks, softly.

“Yes.” She looks up into his eyes and leans up to kiss him. “I’ll marry you. Why don’t we go inside to talk further about this?”

She nods towards the market hall, which she knows has an upstairs room for travellers to rest. Which, conveniently, has a bed. Betrothals are almost as good as marriages, after all.

They do talk about the future, about the logistics of what they have just promised to each other, about when to tell her family about their plans. While she could just elope with him, she would like to have her father’s consent for this.

But they also can’t help celebrating their decision, and it is just as wonderful as Amye remembers. All the more so, because she knows that this time, she is doing it with her future husband.

Afterwards, they talk a bit more, and he promises her to put a few affairs in order in Praaven, and to then return to talk to her father and make her his wife.

Previous: 1333, Day 3, Part 2/7 <--> Next: 1333, Day 3, Part 4/7

[mutipede]

So.. the pattern I've been stuck in.

I think of something. Something reminds me of something. It produces an emotion that is strong enough to mentally shut me down completely. Like if I am standing up I have to sit down because it makes me lightheaded.

I keep... I mean, there's no question in my mind and it makes perfect sense that all of this has been the worst thing that I've experienced. But it's like I keep... doubting that, or feeling like I need to find some way to adequately explain because individual traumatic events other than this have been more obviously worse. If I say what happened in those other cases it's like - yep, that'd fuck someone up. I feel like this "should" be comparatively. Less severe. But in reality it's more like.

It continued a pattern of trauma and legitimized past traumas as "of course that happened, and of course that was going to happen, and of course that will always happen" at best - and at worst "that happened because I deserved EVERY traumatic thing that has happened." That feels like a completely reasonable logical conclusion. Before this, traumatic events felt like just that, individual events. This has transformed and recontextualized all previous individual events into "my entire fucking existence has been one long traumatic event with only brief illusions of respite that only occur for the purpose of lulling me into a false sense of security so that I have something to compare the trauma to in order for it to be as damaging and torturous as possible"

It came from a source that I trusted, as much as it is possible for me to trust, at all, which is not very. And platonic relationships are the closest, most important and most valuable that are possible for me to experience. Like "I am not gay but if I wrote some of the stuff I have felt, you would most likely react with:

lol

Anyways. There are more reasons that are harder to talk about and explain, but. Point is it feels unsurvivable. Self-obliterating. I don't know why I'm still here. I genuinely mean that in every way possible. I shouldn't be and I don't want to be and it really has not meaningfully improved in months and I do not anticipate it being possible to improve and the only thing preventing me from killing myself is fear of nonexistence.

So a thought reminds me of that. ⬆️ If I listed the things that have triggered / can trigger this shit... It's too fucking much. Minor pathetic shit.

So it shuts itself down in a protective function. That itself has been disorienting. Have written about it a bit, both for the purpose of documenting shit and on the off chance anyone reads it and goes "that sounds familiar maybe what is happening is [THING]" because... I don't dislike my therapist but I don't know how much of a specifically trauma background she's got and there's so much we haven't covered because there's so much and it's hard to talk about both in terms of being incredibly painful and logistically within the frequency and length of appointments it's a fucking lot lol. So we keep going like "alright we're focusing on depression" "hmm alright this is more severe we're focusing on grief" "alright shit maybe let's just try and get the absolute basics of survival" and I don't know how much anything is helping and as much as I feel guilty for it, as though it were some personal failing caused by not trying hard enough or not being good enough, but it hasn't felt hugely helpful.

When this shutting down happens, it's like. If thinking about something is like looking directly at it. For a while, all I can do is the equivalent to looking at something in your peripheral vision. My own fucking brain AND my everyday surroundings have become fucking. Strewn. With cognitohazards. So it has to deflect as much of my perception as it can.

It feels like it changes the shape of the thought. I'm struggling to find analogies here I am genuinely curious if anyone knows what I mean. An ordinary thought - it is what it is. If a thought provokes an emotional response then it's like a particular shaped thought fits into a particular shaped slot that activates the associated emotion. But if that happens too frequently for these particular thoughts it will kill me. So it averts my fucking mental gaze as much as possible. Slides right off like teflon. And it distorts the shape of the thought so it doesn't fit into the slot and no emotion occurs.

But I don't know if it's just the fact that "thoughts that will kill me" as a category includes SO. AGONIZINGLY. MANY. things I loved and enjoyed and was passionate about and had long incorporated into the core of my being. Or if it's just that the process itself is sort of a universal scattershot approach. But in effect it means that no actual undiluted thoughts or emotions are able to occur, at all. And during these times I don't exist. The corpse is basically on autopilot. The whole process really feels like something else taking over and doing these things outside of my control. The sensation the other day of "experience emotion -> within the space of a few minutes, entire body feels like temperature drops several degrees, and all emotions completely cease happening" - there's been a few instances I can think of where weird shit has happened - like, states of mind that have a similar... SMELL, somehow. But I don't think I have ever experienced something quite like that.

But it doesn't last. Like, I can't really enjoy the lack of suffering because I'm not there to enjoy it anyways (and "enjoyment" and "relief" are, themselves, emotions, therefore also get suppressed / dampened /whatever it is that is happening) - but also... I dunno, it's like I'm not there but I'm still there. And I still WANT. As fucking useless as that is. I want to enjoy things. I want to do things. Make things. Think about things. I want things to be okay. I am fully aware the entire time that I am wanting these things that I am wanting what is impossible, but it's still there. And the... suppressor, it can't keep it up indefinitely - if it's a thing that wants things then it wouldn't want to do that anyways, since that would be the same as destroying me permanently.

So. I'm just stuck with the constant back and forth. I exist, I experience emotion, emotion tries to kill me, [?] forcibly ceases emotion, I don't exist. Gradually I exist again. And it repeats.

I don't know what to do with this. I don't know what to do with anything.

(Pffff. Starting to hallucinate people walking behind me at work, I don't think that's a particularly good choice for "what to do" but interesting that that just starts happening NOW)

[townsenddecades]

1330 – Day 4 – Townsend Farm

The next few months on the Townsend farmstead are, for the most part, peaceful. Autumn is swiftly moving towards winter, mostly evidenced by freezing rain, but that doesn’t make any of them work any less hard.

For Malcolm, this means that his carpentry continues to keep him away from the fields. And to his great surprise, he doesn’t mind that. He was so eager to give it up at first opportunity, but now, he finds himself actually enjoying it. Or, in any case, finds himself determined to improve his finesse. He has seen the beautiful work his grandfather has done, but despite the months of practice, what he is doing does not even come close.

According to Benedict, becomes a master at the fine details simply takes time – he has had decades of practice, after all – but Malcolm is determined to improve faster than that.

Because that means that he isn’t around anymore to be stung by bees – or to care for the beehives, as he would call it – the other members of the family take over the task, among them Hawise and Benjamin. Hawise does fine at it, but Benjamin quickly suffers the same fate his son has so many times, much to the amusement of the rest of the family.

With Malcolm and Hawise obviously enamoured with each other, it can only be a matter of time until there will be a new generation of Townsends running around the farm. Despite this prospect of grandchildren, Benjamin and Malika find that they are very excited to be expecting another little one of their own (if anyone can even be in doubt as to that after Benjamin’s enthusiastic reaction to finding out the news). They are in their early thirties, which may be a riper age than many people reach, but still not old. And after all the trouble their marriage has gone through, they are happy to have another child that is undeniably theirs. The new baby won’t replace any of the ones with the Watcher, but they want their family to grow, nonetheless.

And although they don’t know it (yet), they may get their wish twofold.

Hawise’s zeal for making herself useful is sorely tested in these months. She is constantly ill and running for the nearest bucket, even when she is doing innocuous things like caring for the beehive or simply lying around. The fact that she has also missed her courses two times in a row makes the probable cause obvious, although she hasn’t dared to give her suspicions voice yet. She is too nervous that she may be wrong. What if having a baby right after her husband’s mother gives birth is too much? Or what if she isn’t with child after all and makes everyone excited over nothing?

She just doesn’t want to make anyone angry by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Despite these hardships, Hawise is very intent on befriending the other members of her husband’s family. They’ve all been very kind to her, but she doesn’t know many of them as well as she’d like, despite them having lived together for months now. So, she tries to do things with them outside of sitting together at meals or going to church together on Sundays: she helps Malika with baking and cooking, knits with her and Amye, talks to Benedict, and spends some time with Frank and Adeline.

This is made a little harder by the fact that the younger set of twins still likes going off to fish when their tasks don’t keep them at home. Catching the biggest fish has become something of a competition between them – one which Adeline, despite being a girl, is frequently winning.

Frank doesn’t know anything about possibly being chosen as a painter’s apprentice yet, because Gregory hasn’t had the time to come visit to discuss the idea with his brother and father, so he is free to enjoy the breadth of the countryside.

The tranquillity of the farm suddenly screeches to a halt one evening in late November, when the Townsends are sitting at table. Malika has been feeling hot and uncomfortable all day, which she knows from experience is a sign of her labour fast approaching. What she doesn’t expect is a sudden stab of pain and water drenching her skirts. Usually, her labours begin in the middle of the night.   

“What’s wrong?”, Hawise, who is sitting next to her, asks instantly.

Malika takes a deep breath. “I want no one to panic, but I think your new brother or sister has just announced themselves.”

There is a flurry of activity – and, of course, panic – after that. Frank quickly runs to get his grandmother and the midwife, while Benjamin does what he can to make his wife comfortable before retreating to the other cottage with his father and Malcolm. Labour is women’s work, after all.

Which means that Amye, now eighteen and more than old enough to assist her mother, and Hawise, who has attended more than one of Lady Chevalier’s births and know what she is doing, have the doubtful privilege of being allowed to stay with her. It is a long night for all of them, as most births tend to be. And one that makes Amye more certain than ever that she is not looking forward to bringing her own children into the world, while Hawise shudders at what she is more and more certain is awaiting her in less than a year.

Regardless, everything goes well. Malika gives birth to another baby boy without issues and is delighted to find that her son is perfectly healthy and strong.

They name him John, after Benedict’s old friend John Watmore.

Previous: 1330, Day 3, Part 5/5 <--> Next: 1330, Day 4, Part 2/3

[bisexualshakespeare]

ok I wanna talk about Airk and Elora because I feel like some people believe their ep 1 incompatibilities are some kind of clue that he's bad because Elora is good? and that is just NOT on

First of all, Elora is not purely good. She is a whole person! The fact that she is gentle and friendly and loving does not take away from her also being cranky and stubborn and mean!

Airk is introduced as a playboy prince and Dove as the latest of his conquests but literally the FIRST thing we hear Airk say is that he's never felt like he does with Dove! And yeah on first watch we can say that's a line he might use on everyone, but on rewatch we know Airk isn't a great liar! He is being completely sincere.

She brings up the rumors of his, say, hunting habits, and he doesn't deny them and the fact that they're not just rumors clearly is bothersome to Dove. Now we don't know what exactly those rumors are but later, Kit says Airk jumps from one girl to another as soon as he gets bored. So the thing Dove is worried about isn't necessarily that he's been with a lot of people (no slut shaming here), but that he leaves when he's bored. We know she wants to be special and appreciated, and a little bit wants to be a princess, so she's worried that she isn't going to get those things because Airk will "lose interest".

So when she sees Airk talking to the countesses at dinner, her immediate thought is "damn he's lost interest, this isn't going to work out because I'm not special enough". Now, Airk isn't actually flirting with them and Dove wouldn't have been able to hear anything from the distance she was anyway. But her insecurities come rolling out because that is the struggle she's having the whole season. Am i special or am I nobody?

Airk is having his own struggle with whether or not he's special. He and Kit are both late but Airk is the only one trying to pacify Sorsha. He thanks every servant he passes by. He charms the people at his table. He goes to Graydon after Kit makes a scene. He tries over and over to get people to like him and it seems like he's pretty good at it. It seems like the girls are an extension of that. Putting on charm and trying to get attention, and maybe he loses interest when he doesn't have to try anymore.

When he's in the Immemorial City, Lili makes him try to get her to like him. She didn't just immediately fall in his arms as a damsel in distress because that isn't what he wants. Airk wants to put in the effort and find and angle so he can say 'there it is! I did it! I broke down your walls and now you find me charming!' (and yeah he also wants to make out obviously i mean can't blame him)

Then the final scene with Airk and Dove, she sends him off with "let our love be your strength!" to which he goes ??? ok??? And this is nicer than what happens when she tries to pull it on Kit who basically calls her a moron. The Tanthalos twins don't believe love can save the day until they are forced to. Until it's love wins or we lose. And if Kit can change her mind, there's no reason to believe that Airk's flaws are set in stone. And just because Airk and Elora won't end up together forever doesn't mean they didn't have real feelings for each other! Elora crossed the world for Airk because he told her she was special. And he was fucking right!