#anotherdaysober

[smokywydell]

Huge thanks to @calebhanks @theclerkchronicles for my awesome new @stoicsobriety logo. I’m a little behind on articles but I’ll have one up in the next few days. Thanks for your support! #sober #soberlife #anotherdaysober #stoicism https://www.instagram.com/p/BnCrhFshTcywEdYxuzT7NJKAVzM-V7M_2ubjE00/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1bh3v7n9iag4y

[smokywydell]

Morning musings. Hot cup of coffee in my #minnesota mug with a bowl of Old Home Place from @bbtobacconists #goodmorning #pipe #anotherdaysober #caffeinefiend

[soberboyz1974]

Once Upon A Time.....

as i am sure that you can tell i am new to this whole blog thing.... shocking huh. im not here to win your approval,nor to see how many times this will get re blogged. im here to get out what ive wanted to say for a very long time. this is 100% for me, so if your not interested in reading a true life story, well i guess that this is not for you. so without further ado i will start my story here, and as the title states, once upon a time...

i have often thought about if some people are predestined for failure in life. that the deck was stacked against some of us even before the game began. and i have often thought that we are the master of our own lives, and any and all pitfalls we should just so happen to fall in we laid and dug by our own selves. i think that these are very valid questions, and i bet that im not alone in my thinking. maybe when i come to the end of this story ill be able to decide for myself. maybe reading it all instead of thinking it all the time will help us both come to a decision.

my life as far back as i can remember ive been a little shit in one way or another. i have always done just what i wanted no matter what anyone thought or said. it just didn't matter, i did it anyway. and it all started with one little lie. as sad as that is, that one little lie about a small pocket knife led to so many lies that it became a way of life for me. i didn't come from crazy messed up home. i wasn't abused or neglected, we were not rich we did struggle at times. my parents divorced when i was seven, and the kicker about that is i remember everything.

i dont know if its a blessing or a curse, but i have a memory that is out of this world. i remember all the way back to when i was about 4 i guess. so people cant just tell me anything about the past and expect me to believe it. anyway, my sister and i ended up living with our dad. which for me was great, thats where i wanted to be in the first place. but we will get back to all that. see im spoiled, spoiled rotten. my Bamba, (my grandma i couldnt say grandma when i was little it came out babma) made it her life mission to spoil me. i was the first child and grand child on both sides. but i had a very special place in her heart, and her in mine. so needless to say i got away with murder. i sometimes wonder what my life would be like today if she would have just busted my ass instead of just looking the other way. but i love that woman like you wouldnt believe. i lived with her and my papa more than i did with my dad. i used them against each other i guess you could say. i became a master manipulator at a very young age and it has stuck with me all these years just as the lying has as well....

thats enough for tonight... goodnight all

i told you id be back to unload some more, well here i am. i should be doing class work i have a paper due the 23rd but i cant focus today for some reason. so ill just write for a while.

where was i... oh yeah i know lying.... i am a professional liar. i mean ive made an art form out of it. its a way of life for me. i have no idea why either. but i do it at all times for what seems no reason at all. so i sit here trying to figure out just why i do it. and amazingly no answer appears. im sober now 100% clean for the first time in my 40 years and i still find myself doing it. funny huh, the one time in my life that i dont have to and yet i still do it.

but back to the story...  im sure that my story isnt any different. ive learned since ive got sober, that im not special, so this is just another story that would fit just about anyone else if you just changed the names and faces. i was pretty good in school and very athletic, i played just about everything. and i got pretty good grades. i never really had to study. i just understood pretty much everything. i wasnt overly popular. my last name wasnt the right one. but because of sports i was excepted anyway. but all that changed when i got hurt in a very bad skating accident. i almost ripped my knee off and was in stitches for about 2 months. needless to say this was in the summer and football had already started two a days. i could do nothing except stand on the sidelines with my crutches watching.

that wasnt for me so i did the most stupid thing i could have done... i walked away. let it and school. walking away also became some thing that i got very good at. ive found that most addicts are very skilled in this as well. but that was the starting point for me. after my stitches came out i went to work and once i had the money and at the rip ole age of 16 i moved out of my families homes and to this day ive never been back except to visit. thats when i found that i had a nack for getting high, drinking, and women, and not necessarily in that order either. but i first found alcohol which i loved from the get go. then came pot which took some getting use to. i was always a go getter, i never liked to lay around and do nothing, which pot has always made me do. and no i do not believe that it is a gateway drug in case your wondering. but what really took me by storm was coke first. i love the way it made me feel, the way it looked all lined up on the mirror, the taste of the drain when it happened. i loved it all. and in the small texas town that i lived in man that was what made you cool. and i had a great connect in a major city that was only about a hour way. 24 7 he had it no matter how little or big that i wanted he had it. i suddenly had more “friends” than i knew what to do with, funny how that works huh.

well i was at a friends house one night and we were all partying having a good time getting high drinking playing music and i was introduced to a man that i wish i could have never met. i was in my very early 20s now, and he was in his late 30s. with all his tattoos, slicked back hair, white tee shirt and 501s... for you younger folks those are Levis by the way. he looked like something out of an old gangster movie. the way he talked and moved, right down to the low gravely voice. with a name to match, but i think we will just leave part out. 

he just watched me, looking me up and down. now i wasnt new to the drug world. but i thought that we were pretty much all the same. i thought the world were all the same. i was really naive in that aspect. the only words he said to me were hi when we were introduced. nothing else for hours. he just sat on the couch watching everybody, but mostly me. and everyone just catered to him. it was amazing how he just sat there and didnt even have to ask for anything. people just did and did for him. ive lived in that town my whole life and ive never heard of this man, nor could understand why they were treating him like a fucking celebrity. little did i know that in his world he was.

i had a lot of very good coke that i brought so i went and got a big mirror out and started chopping out lines for everyone thinking that i was being cool and a good guest. i did a couple and left it there for everyone else and went to a bed room where some other people were hanging out. i came back about 30 minutes later and all the coke was still there. nobody had done any. i was kinda pissed cause this was really good and really expensive.i finally told everyone that they were more than welcome to do as much as they wanted.  but everybody said they were good. now that really pissed me off cause we had all been friends for years and i KNOW they all do it and i KNEW they were all high as hell. and if they werent doing my coke than what were they doing. they all bought from me and that was the main reason i went over there really, well that and to get laid. but here they were all out of it looking all bright eyed and bushy tailed without he helping. them it dawned on me.... ole Al Capone over there setting on the couch must have brought some with him before i got there and got everyone high as fuck.

so i just sat there mad as hell drinking a beer and thinking what the fuck...  i reached under the couch i was sitting on and pulled out the rolling tray and rolled a joint, lit it and noticed that i was alone  with “AL”. so i offered him the joint which he took, hit it a few times passed it back and said something to me ill never forget. something that would change my life forever. this might offend some of you and for that im sorry but the story will be told honestly. he said “boy” which really pissed me off. look im a very big man 6′3 close to 300 pounds. and i promise im not fat at all. but back then i was a big kid and i wasnt nobodies boy except my mom and dads. i just opened my mouth to say so when he said, “ boy that that nigger shit and flush it it aint worth a fuck” now i finally had enough, i stood up and said “ who the fuck do you think you are, sitting there like your the fucking king or something” and you know what he did? he fucking laughed. he laughed right in my face. he said “sit down hoss, i want to show you something”.

he reached beside him on the side of the chair he was sitting in and grabbed a bag and unzipped it. by this time im nervous. ive seen to many movies, but this wasnt a movie this was happening. i guess he saw the same movies cause he did just what i thought he would. he pulled a gun out of the bag first and set it on the coffee table pointed away from me, ( guess he wasnt paying close enough attention to the movie huh) now i figure i have two choices here. i can rush him and try to get the gun or i can throw the tray at him and hope i hit him and get to the gun. all i knew was i had to get it before him. he was about my size and i dont like to fight but i aint scared to bleed either. so i decided to just rush him and beat him down, i mean what would you think if this happened to you. so as im getting off the couch he said “relax boy, that aint for you”.. there he goes with that boy shit again....  i said, “look man i aint your boy” well im sure you guessed it.. he just laughed again. but while he was doing it he pulled a big bag of pink looking stuff out and set it on the table, picked up the pistol and put it back in the bag and set back in the chair and just looked at me again.  now i know hes been watching bad gangster movies too much...

“that nigger shit aint any good bro, this is the best stuff going” now i really have no idea what the hell he is talking about. but i play it cool cause i dont want to look stupid, but im wanting to know what it is, but dont want to ask......

[himynameisrecovery]

Another week of sobriety down. Slowly im clocking up the days and I cant lie, its not all a bed of roses. Trust issues and self doubt plague me. Memories of "good" drinking lead me into a false belief that maybe next time it will be different. It wont be different. NOW is different. And that there is the key. Today I have more than ive ever had before and I dont want to lose it. I dont want the nothing I had before, false friendships, money troubles and a constant stream of troubles. Those facts will hopefully keep me sober tomorrow. Good night.