The Magic Kingdom is crumbling...
So almost halfway into this game of life, I realize something’s missing. In the beginning inklings of my discontent, I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I no longer feel immortal and sense being “an age” - a concept never questioned prior to hitting thirty. It’s a small nagging thing in the back of my brain with which the purchase of a pair of new shoes initially pushes back into its corner. But it returns. Again and then more frequently. I’m two failed relationships into adulthood; the fairly big ones, one of which should have taken by this point. I’m working a “career” I slowly begin to realize I didn’t really choose, but has somehow become “what I do” and, other than covering the month to month expenses of existence, leaves me flat and drained; it’s just a job.
Keep in mind, it’s the early nineties and the new-age words and phrases, “making my soul sing”, “answering my call”, etc., are nowhere on my radar. I am just coming into an awareness that there is no magic kingdom on my horizon. I’ve checked most of the squares of societal and familial expectation; finished school, gotten a respectable job, married, with built-in children, remodeled the perfect home, am entertaining the right group of friends and have all the required acutrements in my closet and garage that define success. A complete life, right? >p>And tagging along each day is a nudging, nagging restlessness of a growing boredom that I’d soon learn would become increasingly louder, sniping at me, “Is this it?”. It would soon become clear to me that the fairy tale was nowhere to be seen and what I’d settled for fell flat of anything close to what Disney teased every little girl with not so long ago on those Saturday evenings.
I’ve come to realize now that most of us lived our early years on blissful remote, with little awareness of our need to “create” our paths; we just put one foot in front of the other and reacted to external stimuli and responded to the actions of those who pretty much controlled our days. Our parents, siblings, teachers, coaches, led us along and we blindly followed. At least I did. And I certainly don’t ever remember consciously choosing any paths with the expectation of joy as an outcome. I never gave joy a fleeting thought. Fleeting happiness came and went, if it showed up at all. I was busy just getting through my days of expected childhood accomplishments, brushed teeth intact, homework completed on time, recitals and school plays, with no major flops in hopes of securing parental pride. Escape from the pressures of the have-to’s was a fort in the backyard and endless summer days bicycling the neighborhood from dawn until the porch light flickered. I never considered I needed to make any choices for the most part. And my future was the least of my concerns.
And looking back, this is quite sobering to me because I now understand how those years of unconscious, reactionary existence landed me where I am today. And yet, I’ve also learned everything happens in perfect order. I now understand better the real “job” of my life; I am now present to review this initial period of remote existence and from its lessons understand that I alone am responsible for the life I’ve experienced thus far. I must examine and unravel my messy past, separate beliefs that serve me from foundational lies that have crippled me, and crawl out from under my shame to acknowledge and embrace who I am. All my thoughts of yesterday have created my experience of today. And it’s all as it should be. The dots connect perfectly. And I will move forward with a new and clearer vision of who I am. Knowledge is power. Now I’m compelled to use it. I can’t “not know” what I now know.
Even though the light is on and I “know” the truth of my being now, I still find it a constant struggle moving from that remote state of unawareness and fully living in the light of who I am. It’s the human condition of ego vs spiritual being. I am constantly catching myself reverting to old patterns and reliving the old feelings of shame and separation. And it is through the slow learning of watching for the feelings I don’t like that I have that is helping me remember who I am and how I want to feel. I have to remind my human self to gently move back to center with compassion, forgiveness and acceptance that this beautiful mess of a human being is me and she’s perfect and right on track. Because my divine, spiritual self created her. And she has a purpose, a unique calling only she can fulfill. And only through this sloppy but perfectly designed, planned and expertly executed manifestation will “I” ultimately experience joy!
As spiritual beings, we have created this ultimate game we call life here on this game board we call earth; creating our “human” beings. And like the natural, remote “play” of our childhoods, we can become aware again of the power of our imaginations and our life experience can be fun! It should be fun! It should be anything we desire it to be! I believe the “work” before us is remembering who we are and reconnecting with our spiritual selves. As human beings, it is work, but once we reconnect and remember the spiritual beings we really are, it is the most fulfilling “job” in this world!
With this new realization, Disney’s promise of a “Magic Kingdom” is but a cardboard shanty vaporized into pixie dust. We each have all the power we need to create our wildest dreams!
