#anti-npd

[anscathmarcach]

Crazy that to a narcissist, it's a heinous offense to do anything without their permission, which is halfway understandable.

But it's an APOCALYPTIC offense for you to even ASK.

[anscathmarcach]

It’s really starting to get to me, not being able to be creative anymore. It really set in with the whole quarantine thing, seeing everyone else get two months off while I still had to work.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful that I still had income all this time, it truly is a privilege, but I feel like I greatly missed out. I could have been getting so much stuff done.

While I’m at work, I have so many great ideas, and then I don’t have the time or energy to work on them. It’s not like I can just wait until I do, because the spark will fade, or I’ll realize a weekend wouldn’t be enough time. It’s not like high school, or even college when I had loads of free time and the motivation to work on a project endlessly.

On top of that, my creative platforms are all gone. Furcadia, DeviantArt, heck, Real Life. There’s nobody there to see it. Nobody to show it to. Nothing to make it fulfilling. It’s sad that I can’t just make stuff just to make stuff, but that’s how I am. I don’t feel fulfilled unless I know people are noticing it.

And what’s worse is how these projects were an escape. Back then, they were an escape from the hell that my parents were putting me through, and it gave me validation when all I would otherwise get was shame shame shame. But now I NEED an escape. From the resulting CPTSD.

TW stuff behind Read More:

When my mind is unoccupied, it’s instead full of daydreaming about scenarios that make myself mad. Thinking about what I’d say/do to my dad the next time I saw him. What I’d say/do to that guy who stood up for him instead of helping me like the leader/counselor he was supposed to be. What I’d say/do to my downstairs neighbor if I ever got the chance to confront her about screaming obscenities at her child and the times I’ve heard her beating her. 

Or even making up completely fictional scenarios. What if I saw a guy “disciplining” his child by dragging her outside and forcing her to watch him snap her cat’s legs and neck in front of her. I’d hear the screaming first and call the cops, then I’d tell the operator “No... I can’t just let this go”. I’d hop his fence and start throwing punches. I’d pin his arm and say “YOU LIKE BREAKING ARMS, HUH?” before I snapped his. Then I’d be holding him by his blood-covered neck, “How about breaking necks, huh? That’s what you were about to do next, wasn’t it?” The cops would show up and he’d say, “well, now you’re about to go to jail for assault”

“No. I called them. And they know everything.”

And as he was being taken away, I’d tell his daughter, “You’re safe now. Your life is about to be much better from now on. You’ll never see him again”.

------

My job just doesn’t require much thought. All I do is stick labels, punch numbers, and lift boxes. It lets my mind wander a LOT. Yesterday was horrible. First, I was dealing with that Cat Killer discourse, which was like confronting my dad himself about the cats he’s shot or injured. Then the first thing I hear that morning is that I messed something up, then later that day they found another one, and by then I thought I was going to have a heart attack. 

I’m probably going to ask to go back to my old position because there’s way too much pressure involved with this one and the people in charge are just too cold and condescending. I feel like I’m being scolded by stuff I can’t control, which is also hugely triggering and extremely stressful. I honestly can’t deal with that.

I really need a better job, something in my field that will let me be creative, but that’s clearly not happening no matter how many places I apply for, especially when there’s nothing open in the first place. I also need a place that will leave me with enough time and energy to do what I want to do.

As long as I’m making something, it’s impossible for me to think of the bad thoughts. But I’m trapped. No time, no energy, and no platform. And I’m going insane.

[anscathmarcach]

I put two and two together embarrassingly late in life that my parents would secretly get rid of anything I got "too attached to" and I believed things just get "lost" really easily.

Funny that during any duration of time I've lived alone, not even as much as a sock has gone missing.

[anscathmarcach]

It's a whole different perspective, realizing that when a narcissist does something despairingly inconsiderate, it's not at all because they "weren't thinking about you". No, they were thinking about you when they targeted that one thing you cared about, and they did it because they knew it would hurt you.

[chr1sk0n]

Rechte Demo in Hannover: NDR-Journalist bekommt Zuspruch aus Frankreich - SPIEGEL ONLINE - Politik

Die NPD darf nun doch in Hannover aufmarschieren und dort gegen Journalisten demonstrieren. Die Polizeidirektion legte Beschwerde ein. Die Neonazi-Partei hat es besonders auf einen Reporter des NDR abgesehen.

Das geht gar nicht. Gegen Journalisten zu demonstrieren, weil Journalisten über Hass, Gewalt und Nazi-Verbrechen berichten ist einfach untragbar. Ich hoffe, dass sich die Polizei mit ihrer Beschwerde durchsetzen und so den Auflauf der NPD doch noch verhindern helfen oder zumindest erschweren können.