Click the link right here to go read it on my wattpad, I post all of my phanfics there! Story Description: Ever since he was a young boy, Dan Howell has always had imaginary friends that he talked to as a method of coping with anxiety and depression. He never saw them, he would just name them and pretend his own thoughts were another person he could talk to. Now, he is 19 years old and has just began Uni at the University of Manchester, where he goes as a new law student. Since he is older now, he hasn't talked to any "imaginary friends" in years, but when extreme stress, and an existential crisis suddenly hits, he begins talking to a new imaginary friend, Phil, who might not be everything he appears to be.
Summary: Dan suffers from severe anxiety and hates talking to pretty much anyone. He meets Phil and something's different. Only Phil can calm Dan.
From as young as 15 Dan Howell believed depression was just part of is personality. He thought being a sad, unhealthily unmotivated, social anxiety sufferer with an addiction to staying alone in his room was just him. Nothing was wrong, everything was just Dan.
So when Dan found himself in cold University dorms surrounded by new faces wanting to interrogate him and nowhere to think by himself, he panicked. He tried to be sociable but speaking to unfamiliar people terrified him. What if they laughed? What if they made fun of his hair or style or clothing? Every single aspect that could have gone wrong Dan considered over and over, spiralling further down into a pit of despair.
What was your school like?
How is your family?
What music do you like?
Can we meet your friends?
Dan did have some friends, the grand total of three actually. Chris, PJ and Louise were very aware of Dan’s anxiety and tried to help out however they could, he felt comfortable around them to some degree. For a few hours before he had to be alone again at least.
Party invitations were universal at University apparently. Dan didn’t know how he always found himself perched awkwardly on the edge of a strangers sofa watching obnoxious adolescents make out and ‘dancing’, (grinding against each other). He always said he wouldn’t go but when a car came with familiar faces from his Law course he felt even more awkward to reject their offer. So he found himself yet again surrounded by girls in skirts too short and boys thinking they were entitled, spilled drinks and the gnawing feeling that some sort of dealing was going on in the basement. A girl around the same age as Dan approached him. “Hey! I have seen you at a few parties now, how come you never drink?” She smiled and sat beside him, leaning against his side. She was tipsy but not totally wasted – yet. Dan looked at his sweaty palms nervously, human contact always made his skin crawl. “Er yeah I just don’t really know what I like I guess? I’ve never drunk before...” Lies. Dan had drunk before, just never in front of other people. He liked to savour the moments of forgetting for when he was alone. Also, if he got drunk and was sick he would have to deal with strange hands guiding his shoulders to the toilets. He shivered at the thought.
The girl looked confused and then took a swig from her own bottle, a mysterious clear liquid inside. She grabbed Dan’s hand and pulled him to the kitchen, grinning at a large group stood around the kitchen table. “Hey guys! I just found this guy who says he doesn’t know what his drink is? Why don’t we teach him? What was your name again?” She pressed. Dan’s mind accelerated as he failed to find a way out of this encounter, he whispered out “Dan.” Oh no. The group of guys and girls all grinned happily. “Sure! Hey Dan! Try this vodka, it has some lemonade in it.” The tallest of the boys handed Dan a glass before he could refuse. Dan downed it in one to make them all stop watching him; their piercing eyes burning his skin. A short red head-showing so much cleavage she may as well have not worn a shirt-poured another spirit into a tall glass. Dan assumed it was cider.
It continued for hours, by 3am Dan swore he had tried every type of alcohol that could be purchased in the world. Somehow the group managed to keep handing him new glasses which he downed as his vision slowly faded into nothing.
He woke up wet. Wetness was all he knew. He also smelled something terrible nearby. He opened his eyes slowly and adjusted to the blinding light radiating from the front window of a house he didn’t remember. Dan tried to stand but then felt where the wet was coming from. He looked down to see not only a urine stain on the carpet underneath him and his own trousers, but vomit displayed all over his stomach and some in his hair. He screamed.
“Germs. Sick. People. Piss. Embarrassment. Laughter. Disgusting.” The words ran through Dan’s head over and over, he jumped up and ran out of the door, wishing someone would just hit him with their car as he sprinted home. Hopefully it would kill him. Everyone’s eyes were on him, the embarrassing worthless and disgusting being. Oh why wouldn’t death accept him yet?
Dan reached the dorms and hurled the door open, his roommates all greeted him but he just ran past them to the shower. They knew better than to ask now that they were used to Dan. After around four hours Dan finally felt clean enough to venture out of the bathroom, his brain promising to never step outside again. He wanted to burn the trousers and shirt stained with disgusting bodily products. He would never drink in front of company again.
At 7pm Dan’s phone buzzed and the caller ID lit up with Louise’s name. “Hey Dan! I was wondering if you wanted us to visit you tomorrow? It’s been a while!” Dan grinned when he heard the familiar voice, it brought him some comfort. “Yeah sure Louise, I have no lectures tomorrow so that’s ideal really. See you then!” the conversation swiftly ended. Dan went back to considering how repulsive everyone who saw him at the party will find him now. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
Louise got along with everyone, to the point where Dan envied her. She was having a casual discussion with Dan’s roommates which consisted of more words than Dan had ever traded with them in the months they had shared a living space. PJ smiled at Dan instead of offering a hug or handshake as he knew it would just make his friend uncomfortable. Chris had already made three bad jokes before he even got through the dorm’s doorway. But once those three had entered the room, one more person remained standing there. Dan looked up and all he saw was blue. Deep oceans contained within two glimmering eyes, he considered that drowning within them may be possible if he looked too long. A black fringe swept over his forehead and large black rimmed glasses pressed against his nose. The entire time Dan’s friends said their hello’s, the man never stopped smiling.
“...My friend and he is cool, he likes a lot of the same stuff as you so I thought... Hey! Dan! Are you even listening?” Louise shook Dan’s shoulders and he returned to Earth. “Wh-What? Oh...sorry.” Dan trailed off, his voice cracking as he realised that the oceans he almost drowned in belonged to a stranger. And this stranger now was coming towards him with outstretched arms. Dan froze as long limbs wrapped around him briefly. “Hey! I’m Phil, I’m Louise’s friend and she told me we have quite a lot of stuff in common so it would be cool if we could talk sometime?” Phil’s glorious smile faded for the first time since arriving when Dan backed away and ran into his bedroom.
Dan was handed a glass of water to calm himself down by PJ, as Louise explained Dan’s social anxiety to Phil. Dan listened to his responses and was surprised when Phil didn’t laugh, never mind was understanding and said he would be more careful from now on. Once Dan was ready Phil entered the room again and this time he just smiled and sat down, then began to talk to Chris. This made Dan feel a lot more relaxed and so his heart slowed down a little.
Louise suggested her, Phil and Dan go out for a bite to eat, to a local restaurant in Manchester that they often visited when they came to see Dan. Chris and PJ left early to get a train home ready for work the next day so Dan listened to Louise and Phil discuss the radio show that Phil had just been signed on to. He liked Phil’s voice a lot, signing his Monday nights at 9pm away to the two oceans. Louise’s obnoxiously loud default ringtone rang throughout the restaurant and when she took it out of her bag and saw the caller ID she stiffened and ran out of the restaurant all of a sudden. Dan froze when he realised he was now alone with Phil.
Phil adjusted his fringe and made sure he avoided looking directly into Dan’s eyes. He also spoke softly as to not startle him. “Is it okay if I still sit here? Just nod or shake your head, I can leave if you need me to.” He suggested. Dan appreciated how sweet and understanding he was, questioning if his friends went to this much effort. He decided to try really hard to return the favour. After a few seconds he managed to choke out, “I-It’s okay... please stay, if you go then m-maybe a waitress will come and I won’t know her at all.“ He whispered. Phil quickly shot a glance at Dan, but remained there when he saw Dan’s eyes were on his hands. He looked so fearful it almost physically pained Phil to watch the man suffer like this.
Phil stayed quiet, playing with his phone as to attempt to keep Dan calm and collected. So he was surprised when he heard his voice, barely a whisper but still there all the same, ask “L-Louise mentioned y-you like some stuff I am into?” Phil looked up and met Dan’s chocolate brown orbs for a second before quickly turning away. “Muse, Pokémon, Final Fantasy, High School Musical...” Phil teased. Dan giggled and blushed becoming a little more confident he spoke louder. “I can’t believe Louise would tell you that! I will kill her!” Phil laughed. Angry Dan was kind of cute. Phil thought.
Dan smiled to himself, for the first time forgetting the embarrassment of the party for the first time since it happened. Phil was pretty cool, wait... do I actually feel quite comfortable now? Dan was confused that after only a day in this strangers company he wasn’t shaking when alone with him. He actually felt okay. Dan looked up and held Phil’s gaze for even longer, smiling before looking away.
After just forty minutes (who knows where Louise disappeared to) Dan was interrogating Phil on Muse facts, Final Fantasy battles and even High School Musical characters. He claimed it was to check if Phil really was as much of a fan as he claimed, but in truth Dan just wanted to explore the mind behind the oceans. “Favourite song?” “New Born. You?” Phil laughed as Dan’s face crumpled. “No idea, far too many great ones to choose from but New Born is definitely up there, good choice!” This time Dan didn’t hurry to look away when his eyes met his companions. Instead his lips curled upwards involuntarily and he giggled shyly. “Hey, wait here whilst I go find Louise, I hope she’s okay she has been gone for ages.” Phil stood up and put his jacket on, Dan’s breathing quickened as he felt panic flood his body. He stood up quickly and hurried to Phil. “N-n-no I will come with you.” He insisted, sliding his coat on also. Phil furrowed his brow. “But here you can sit by yourself, this place is pretty quiet now I doubt anyone will speak to you.” Dan just shook his head and moved closer to Phil. “But if I go with you you’ll protect me anyways, I want to come.” He smiled up at Phil who melted slightly. He shook his head in confusion but assumed it was just another part of Dan he hadn’t been told about.
Outside Louise was nowhere to be seen. A few moments later Phil’s phone rang and her face flashed on the caller ID. “Hello? Louise? Where are you?” Phil asked, concerned. “I am so so so sorry Phil, seriously I wouldn’t ever leave Dan alone with a stranger because he will freak out but please try to get him back to his dorm just speak quietly and don’t touch him he will be okay... I hope. Family emergency has come up; my father was rushed into hospital I am on a train to the airport as we speak.” Phil could hear the thickness of Louise’s voice and knew she had been crying. He decided not to press any further for more details. “Okay thank you, I hope you are okay Lou, good luck.” Phil clicked the phone off as then worry entered his thoughts. How the hell am I gonna get Dan to come with me alone? He pondered to himself. “What’s happened?” Dan’s quiet words broke Phil out of his daze. Phil worded his response carefully and spoke slowly but quietly as to attempt to get the best possible reaction from Dan about having to go alone in a stranger’s car back to the flat. “Erm Dan... There is a problem for Louise regarding a family emergency so she won’t be coming back. Now on matters of getting you back to your dorm... is walking or the bus better than my car? I don’t want you to feel scared or overwhelmed by me that’s all...” Phil trailed off, he looked down for a few moments until he heard Dan chuckle. Their eyes met. “You’re silly, a bus with strange people? Your car is fine Phil.” Dan laughed and headed down the road towards the parked car. A mesmerised Phil in tow.
In the car Phil had assured Dan that sitting in the back was fine and he could put his headphones in, but Dan brushed both ideas aside as he clambered into the front passenger seat and searched Phil’s glove compartment before finding Muse’s album Origin Of Symmetry. He grinned as he entered the disc and skipped until Bliss came on. “This is a cool song, one of the best from this album.” Dan stated, to nobody in particular. Phil stayed quiet, wondering if Dan would spark a conversation. He sneaked a glance after a few moments to see Dan staring at him, smiling. “Are you okay?” Phil asked, very confused now. Dan hid his face in his hands and giggled. “Yes, more than actually.
Phil walked Dan to his dorm door. As he was about to wave and leave Dan grabbed him, and pulled him into a tight embrace. Phil froze for a moment before hugging back. What the hell is going on? He’s like a different person! Dan wouldn’t let go for at least three minutes. When he finally did reluctantly, he whispered out, “Phil... are we friends?”
Phil found himself laughing. The turnout of today’s events was nothing like he had expected. “Yes, I would say so Dan.” Dan shuffled on the spot. For the first time since Louise left he felt truly awkward and uncomfortable looking deep into the oceans. “...W-well friends need to keep in c-contact right? So c-could I possibly have your number?” Dan stuttered out, blushing furiously. Phil beamed, he unlocked his phone and fund a copy of his number, showing it to Dan. Dan smiled and entered the number, texting Phil a ‘hi’ so he could have a copy of his number also. Phil turned to leave once more, but Dan stopped him yet again. “P-Phil? Could I have...another hug?” He smiled up at his new friend and Phil couldn’t resist. He and Dan came together once again but tighter this time, their chests up against each other, Dan’s face in Phil’s neck. His scent was comforting and relaxed Dan’s body. They broke apart and sighed simultaneously. Phil climbed into the drivers seat and sped off, Dan watching until he was completely out of sight
Dan could still smell him on the coat he had worn that night. He wouldn’t wear that coat outside anymore as it was permanently in his bed for when he had days of uncomfortable social interactions or nights after more parties he didn’t want to go to. The difference now was that Dan didn’t feel lonely at these parties or alone in his bedroom as he was just a text away from Phil. The two of them had become fast friends and spoke everyday now, 9 weeks since their face to face encounter. Louise had texted Dan a few days a go that her father had made enough of a recovery that she could return to England so she had arranged to bring just her and Phil to Dan’s University dorm this weekend.
Dan: I can’t wait for this weekend! Been lonely cooped up in my dorm alone :(
Phil: Well who’s fault is that silly? Go out! Make friends! :)
Dan: But scary:(
Phil: I know Dan :( well on Saturday me and Louise will keep you company so no need to feel lonely, what do you want to do?
Dan: Movies. Pizza. Cuddles.
Phil: Haha, sounds cool xD I’ll leave you and Louise alone to do that last one ;)
Dan: Aw </3
Phil: Or not?
Dan: <3
Dan smiled down at his phone. Texting Phil was now his favourite thing to do. But maybe that would be changed on Saturday if Phil did go through with cuddling him. Louise was a great cuddle partner, but she wasn’t a hot boy, so Dan didn’t attach anything to it other than friendship. Phil however...
Knock knock
Dan jumped as he heard Louise greeting the other dormers, all sat in the main room whilst Dan hid in his bedroom. The door creaked open and a black fringe partially covering two oceans were all Dan saw before running to him. Long limbs entangled themselves around both of them. Dan breathed into Phil’s chest deeply; the scent remaining on the coat did no justice for the actual gloriousness of cherry and vanilla that Phil really smelt of. Dan’s panic and anxiety from the past few weeks melting away as blue filled his mind. Blue, blue blue.
Louise coughed in the doorway. Dan pouted as the warmness left his chest and the butterflies stopped. “What the hell? Have you possessed him Phil? How did you get him to do that?! Dan barely hugs me!?” Louise half shouted at first but then quietened down as she saw Dan flinch. She sounded upset. “We bonded quite a bit last time when we were alone talking in the restaurant when you had to dash off home. We text quite a lot, we’re good friends now.” Phil explained. Quite a lot. More like every 8.3 seconds. Dan scoffed, grinning to himself. Louise folded her arms. “Honestly Dan, I don’t think anyone will ever understand what goes on in your head.”
Louise was even more confused two hours later when she saw Dan opening his comfort blanket (frequently used to calm him during anxiety attacks) and Phil clambering underneath it to cuddle up to him. Louise had been friends with Dan for years and she could never recall Dan letting anybody touch that blanket other than himself. Dan snuggled into Phil’s shoulder and snaked his arms around his waist. He looked up at Phil to make sure his actions were okay, but Phil didn’t even meet Dan’s eyes. He simply smiled. Dan took this as permission and closed his eyes.
Phil may as well have pretended last week never happened. Looking down at the boy sleeping across his chest with his lips slightly apart and whispering nonsense in his slumber, he would never have guessed he suffered from extreme anxiety and shyness. Louise was amazed, still expecting Dan to run out of the room and hide for a month. “I’m going to order us some pizza, take care of him would you?” Louise asked Phil, smiling down at sleeping Dan. Phil nodded and watched as she left the room after grabbing her purse. A few moments later Dan’s eyes fluttered open. As his consciousness grew more stable he noticed how close he and Phil were and blushed. He didn’t move away though. “Nice sleep?” Phil chuckled. Dan groaned and buried his face in Phil’s neck. “How do you smell so amazing?” He asked, muffled by Phil’s warm skin. “Aftershave, I thought you’d like it, why is your coat in your bed?” Dan looked up and Phil winked at him. He blushed even deeper. “It smells nice, like you...” He admitted. “Don’t think I’m creepy please Phil?” Dan whispered, ashamed. Phil moved Dan’s face to be in front of his own, their lips inches away. “Creepy? More like cute.” Phil grinned as his oceans stared deeply into Dan’s chocolate orbs. He looked uncomfortable and squirmed in Phil’s arms, Phil loosened his grip and looked concerned. “Dan? Are you okay?” Dan, still with bright red cheeks, squeaked out a yes. He looked up at Phil and knew he could no longer resist. He jumped up and kissed Phil’s lips, softly but firmly.
“Dan?” Phil whispered when they parted. Dan met his eyes and grinned when he saw Phil’s wide smile. “You’re really pretty so I wanted to kiss you.” He told him. “Well you’re really cute, so I wanted to kiss you too.” Phil admitted. “Then why didn’t you?”
He sighed and snuggled closer into Dan. “Because of last week, when I made you scared, because of Louise telling me about your anxiety. Everyone else still makes you so jumpy but...I mean look at us now. You wouldn’t do this with anyone else.” Phil explained. Dan stayed quiet for a moment. “I guess I just trust you, we have a lot in common. And I feel like you really care, you didn’t even know me and when Louise told you about my anxiety you didn’t laugh or question it like a lot of her friends did. You just accepted it and tried to keep me calm. Thank you.” Dan smiled warmly at him and pressed his lips to Phil’s neck. “I think I have a crush on you Phil Lester.” “I think I have a crush on you Dan Howell.”
As Louise walked in with several pizza boxes she laid eyes on a blushing Dan straddling and making out with Phil. She swiftly turned and left the room to give them privacy, neither noticed she even came in.
*Three years later*
“Dan! Come help me move the sofa into the living room please!” Phil called out from the doorway of their new apartment. He and Dan had been dating for two years now and were so in love they believed it was time to move in together. Not like it would be anything new to them, they spent so much time at each other’s houses it was like they already lived together. Phil listened to find out if Dan was approaching but he heard nothing. He sighed and went to find him, discovering his boyfriend curled up in the corner of an empty bedroom. “Dan? What’s wrong?” Phil asked, concerned. He helped Dan to his feet and held him against his chest. Dan shook in his arms, “T-the d-delivery g-guy is out there. H-he tried to talk to me so I r-ran away. He will think I’m weird...” Dan stuttered out. Dan’s anxiety had slightly improved but he still wouldn’t go to the doctors for help as a room full of people questioning him terrified Dan. Phil tried to avoid Dan coming in to contact with new people to limit his anxiety but a day like today it was unavoidable. “Oh Dan, it’s okay bear. I am here and I won’t ever leave. Just think about when all this furniture is placed they will leave us alone and we can have weeks of just us two. No scary new people. How does that sound?” Phil held Dan’s face to his own and kissed his lips. Dan beamed; just Phil’s presence calmed him down so much. Phil reached into his bag and pulled out Dan’s blanket which he always kept on him for emergencies when he knew there would be new people around. Dan eagerly grabbed it and breathed into it, his body relaxing as the shaking stopped.
Phil took a hold of Dan’s hand and led him out of the bedroom. He allowed Dan to keep the blanket in his arms. Thankfully, the delivery driver was outside filling in paperwork so Phil and Dan could move the sofa without any unwanted company. Dan flopped down on it as Phil brought in the sofa cushions. Dan laid his head on one and closed his eyes, anxiety can cause exhaustion so Phil kissed his head and left him to rest.
When Dan awoke he heard voices close by. Too close by. He opened one eye slightly and saw four large men in florescent vests with clipboards talking to Phil. Four strangers in the same room as Dan. He couldn’t get to the door without going past them so he screamed out, attempting to burrow into the side of the sofa and escape. Phil rushed to his side and comforted him, as did one of the delivery men which made Dan even worse. He froze as he felt strange hands patting his shoulder, “You alright son? We are just here to sort out your new house mate.” He gruffly spoke. Dan entered full panic mode and screamed out again, he lunged forward and bit the strangers hand in pure terror, then kicked and hit anyone within his range. “Whoa what the hell?!” He shouted out, holding his hand which blood started to trickle out of. Phil picked Dan up bridal-style and carried him into another room. “I’m sorry gentlemen; can we leave it for another day? I’ll call you and we can discuss payment details then.” He shouted, the men grumbled but left anyways.
Dan cried for around two and a half hours before Phil could finally calm him down. He shook so violently Phil shook along with him. “Shush Dan, it’s okay, they’re gone. It’s just you and I now.” Phil whispered over and over to Dan. He felt terrible. He knew he shouldn’t have allowed all of those strangers into the room with Dan but it was just for a moment to discuss payment. Phil shook his head angrily. “What’s wrong Phil?” Dan whispered out, even in this state he still knew if Phil was upset. He mattered most. “This is my fault, I shouldn’t have let them crowd you. I’m so sorry for upsetting you Dan, please don’t decide to move out already...” He trailed off. Tears welling up in his eyes.
Dan noticed the tears escaping the two oceans and shook his head. “N-no crying Phil. It’s okay, if you weren’t here I would still be screaming tomorrow. You calm me down, you keep me sane. I love you, so much.” He kissed Phil’s lips and they stayed there. For goodness knows how long.
“Dan?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank your eyes, if you didn’t have the prettiest chocolate orbs this world has ever seen I wouldn’t have been so mesmerised by you when we first met.”
“Phil?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank your eyes, if you didn’t have those two deep oceans, I would never have drowned in love for you.”
