An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (Video Blogging RPF)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester/Original Female Character(s), Dan Howell/Original Character(s), Phil Lester/Original Character(s)
Characters: Dan Howell, Phil Lester, Original Characters, the original char is the fan
Additional Tags: Horror, Psychological Horror, this was for a school project, Implied Relationships, 2012 Era (Phandom), gay men what a shock, No Beta We Die Like DanAndPhilGames, Stalking, YouNow mention?
Summary:
// this was for a school assignment, and it is not at all great, i just thought that some people would like the plot //
something something stalker something something weird phannies from the 2010's
Summary: Norman passed on to fish heaven awhile ago. It doesn’t mean they can’t still miss him.
Word Count: 990
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Warnings: Discussions of death
A/N: Second fic! Hope you guys enjoy-I’d love to hear any feedback any of you have!
-
Phil usually could get lost in his work pretty easily.
It was a blessing for someone with a job like his, really. It was great on airplanes, or when they had a tough deadline, or when he didn’t exactly want to focus on something more unpleasant.
Dan was always nagging him about that last one. You can’t just edit away what’s going on. He’d scold gently as he’d pull his laptop off his lap, going full-therapist on him. And if you don’t deal with it now, it’s bound to come back to you.
He was right, of course. As much as Phil could roll his eyes playfully and begrudgingly let Dan lead him through whatever breathing exercise he was trying at the moment, it did feel good to let go of that energy properly instead of just shoving it aside. But with an ever-growing list of “to-do”s-packing boxes, talking with the builders, planning Stereo shows, focusing on merch designs-it was easier today to push it aside and focus on methodically editing to get lost in.
It’s not working today, though. Dan hasn’t come out of his room, and when he hears some soft noise coming from the other side of the wall during a quick pause, he finds himself pausing to listen to the noise.
He can barely hear it, but he’s sure can make out both of their voices, and so he carefully sets his laptop down and makes his way to the other’s room. When he opens the door just a bit and peeks in, he can’t help but let out a silent sigh.
Dan’s got his back to him, huddled up as he stares at his screen, where Norman flicks back and forth, both of their voices softly discussing their fish on their livestream the previous year. As Phil hears a soft sniffle come from the huddled figure, he shakes his head and walks over.
“You miss him, don’t you?” He murmured, wrapping his arms around Dan’s shoulders. As Dan jolts, Phil sits next to him, holding him close.
“He’s-he was just a fish.” Dan mumbles, closing the laptop. “It’s all...stupid.”
Phil hums, stroking Dan’s hair slowly. He’s more accustomed to loss in this way-from losing family, to his friend at Uni, to watching his Dad get so close to the edge in his sickness-the pain still hurts, but it’s more familiar than it is to Dan. It’s why Dan can joke about it so easily, while Phil just quickly changes the subject to immortality and futuristic robot bodies.
“It’s not stupid if you’re caring so much,” Phil said gently. “He was important to us. So it’s okay to miss him.”
Dan shrugged gently, curling up a bit more as he opened the laptop again, staring at the still of Norman. After a minute he speaks again.
“I keep having dreams about him. And then I wake up, and I want to check on him, and then I remember. And it’s like you just texted me about it, all over again.”
Phil nods. He had been silently grateful he had been the one to find Norman while Dan was out on a walk, texting Dan after he had found a little box to put him in before meeting Dan at a park and properly burying him.
Dan had rolled his eyes a bit as he stood guard, making sure nobody could see the grown man digging at the ground with the random spade from under his bed. Phil knew, though, Dan would be grateful by some point that they had a proper burial instead of just dumping him down the toilet.
“He wasn’t even a real pet.” Dan continues, his voice wobbling a bit as he gets louder. “I mean, it’s not like he was a dog or something. That would make sense. But I’m this sad over a stupid fish?!”
Phil pressed his nose to Dan’s hair. The words stung slightly, but he knew Dan’s anger wasn’t genuine.
“You’re sad because you loved him. Even if he wasn’t a typical fish. He was a sign of-of us, looking after another life for the first time.”
Dan looks at him for the first time, eyes rimmed red as he kept going.
“He helped make this place home, too. And he was always there. Losing that stability isn’t easy, especially right now.”
Phil isn’t great at introspection-he bottles it up until it all gets too much, and then it comes out all messy and mixed-up and it takes ages just to make it make some sort of sense. Usually, it’s enough to just be an ear for Dan and a reassuring voice that it’s okay, we’re okay, you’re okay. It feels almost alien to hear his own voice define his thoughts so outright. He’s about to walk it back when he feels Dan snuggle a bit closer, silently affirming that he got it right.
“Do you miss him?” Dan whispered finally.
“You know I do. But we’ll always have memories of him. And he’s not going to be the last pet of ours, even if I have to get shots to deal with fur or we have to find a way to keep our eyes on them all the time.”
Dan laughed weakly, moving his arms around Phil’s in return. “Are we emotionally ready for that?” He joked gently as Phi snorted.
“Probably not. But Mar says you’re never really ready to become parents, anyways.” He teased, nudging him lightly.
“Martyn wanted to name her Excelsior, I’m not sure if we should take parenting advice from him.”
“It’s a cool name!” Phil grinned. “Maybe our next pet will be Excelsior. In honor.”
As Dan rolled his eyes and laughed as Phil started coming up with equally stupid names, Phil felt himself relax a little bit.
Maybe Phil wasn’t the greatest at sharing his feelings. But it was good to know he could get it right sometimes.
summary: Dan and Phil’s son wants his nail polish off, right now. Dan momentarily forgets that homophobia is a thing.
wc: 1k
rating: PG13
warnings: homophobia, mentions of the homophobic bullying, physical abuse, and general self hatred Dan talked about in BIG (less graphic than what he discussed)
read on ao3 or below the cut
Fifteen minutes before Liam had to be at his swim lesson and twelve hours after he, Dan, and his sister Fiona had painted their nails a matching cherry pink, he knocked on Dan’s door asking for the nail polish remover.
Dan sighed and opened it. “Liam? Where are your swimming trunks?”
Liam ignored him. “I need the nail polish remover.”
Phil appeared from behind him. “Liam. That wasn’t a very nice way to ask your dad for something.”
Liam scowled, but asked, more politely, “Dad, can I borrow your nail polish remover, please?”
Dan looked at Phil. “I don’t know if you have time to take your nail polish off, Liam. Don’t you need to go to your swim lesson soon?”
Phil nodded. “Sorry, Liam, we’re already late.”
Liam pouted. “I don’t want to swim with nail polish.”
Dan put on his best patient parent voice. “Why not?”
If Liam stuck his bottom lip out any further he would be stuck looking like a Kardashian for the rest of his life, Dan thought. “I don’t want to,” Liam said stubbornly.
“But why?” asked Phil, who was infinitely better at faking patience than Dan was.
“I don’t want to!” Liam said in a voice dangerously close to a wail.
“Okay, okay,” Phil said, recognizing the danger he was in. “How about you get your swim trunks on and go to your swim lessons and then we’ll take it off when you get home? How does that sound?”
Liam shook his head. “No,” he said, “I want it off now.”
“I know, but we’re going to be late if you don’t get ready right now,” Phil tried to reason.
This was the wrong thing to say, apparently. Liam’s face screwed up and he broke into tears. “I don’t want to,” he sobbed, “I want to take it off.”
“Liam, it’s just nail polish.” Dan couldn’t help the irritation forcing its way into his voice.
“No,” said Liam, his voice almost frantic, “Don’t make me wear it, Daddy, I don’t want-”
“Hey, hey,” said Phil soothingly. He knelt next to Liam and glanced at Dan. “No one’s making you do anything.”
Liam just kept sobbing.
“Liam-” Dan reached for his son, but Liam twisted from Dan’s grasp and threw himself on the floor.
Dan felt a headache building.
Phil crouched by Liam’s body. “Shh,” he said soothingly. “Liam, honey, it’s okay, if it’s that important to you-”
“Phil, can we speak for a moment, please?” Dan interrupted. He winced. He knew his voice had come out harsher than intended.
“Sure.” Phil stepped over Liam’s dramatically thrown body into Dan’s room and closed the door.
“What are you doing?” Dan hissed. “He needs to get to his swim lesson. Just because he’s throwing a fit about it doesn’t mean-”
“Dan.” Phil interrupted him, but looked reluctant to speak.
“What, Phil? What am I missing? Tell me, because I really don’t know why you’re giving him what he wants just because he’s upset about it.”
Phil hesitated.
“What?” Dan asked again.
“Dan,” Phil said softly, “Do you really think he doesn’t want to wear nail polish to his swim lesson just to make your life difficult?”
It hit him in a rush, like a kick to the stomach, like the names the other boys had called him in the schoolyard, like the anger and the self hatred and the shame that hit him when he realized the names were right.
If he said anything to Liam, or even Phil, he didn’t remember it later. The only thing he remembered was getting the nail polish remover wipes from his bathroom and swiping at his son’s tiny fingers until the wipes were cherry red and his son’s nails were as clean as snow. By the time he was done, Liam was going to be ten minutes late to his swim lesson. Phil herded Liam out of Dan’s room and down the hall towards the car, and Dan threw the wipes in the bin. He stared at the slightly clumpy, brightly colored paint on his nails that suddenly felt jarringly out of place. He reached for the wipes again, but hesitated.
He let his hands fall back to his sides. He listened to the familiar noises of the house he shared with his husband and children, the weird old house noises and the light footsteps coming from his daughter’s room down the hall. Now that Phil and her younger brother were gone, she was emerging from her pseudo-teenage shell to eat breakfast.
Fiona had already poured herself a bowl of cereal by the time Dan got to the kitchen. “What was Liam’s deal this morning?” she asked through a mouthful of cereal.
“He didn’t want to wear his nail polish to his swim lessons,” Dan said, searching the cabinets for breakfast of his own.
“Oh,” she said, clearly disappointed that her younger brother wasn’t in any trouble. “Why?”
Dan shrugged, pulling down his own box of cereal. “He didn’t say.”
Her eyes flickered downward. She ate another spoonful of cereal. “Well, we’re still matching, aren’t we?”
She lifted her hand to Dan’s. Her entire hand, outstretched fingers and all, fit inside Dan’s palm.
He smiled, an unexpected wave of tenderness flowing through him. “We’re still matching.”
As soon as her hand was there it was gone again, dropped to her side. “Little brothers are stupid,” she said.
Dan happened to be quite fond of his younger brother, but he didn’t say so. “They can be annoying sometimes.”
“What’s his problem with nail polish anyway?” Fiona asked, her face pulled into a righteous scowl. “Just because some people think it’s girly-” Her scowl tightened.
Not that there would be anything wrong with it if it was, Dan wanted to add. Not that there was anything wrong with being a boy and being girly, with being a girl and being girly, with being a queer formless blob and being girly, with being anyone and being girly. The words stuck in his throat.
“Yeah,” he said. “It’s silly.”
Fiona returned to her cereal. Dan poured a bowl of his. And both of them pretended nothing was wrong.
Title: Warmth and Waiting
Summary: Some domestic angst and fluff as Dan contemplates YouTube
Length: 1k
Author’s Note: It’s been months since I wrote any fic, but—like Dan—I’ve been dealing with other stuff. Then this just happened.
Warmth and Waiting
“Do you ever think about giving it up?” The question came out of nowhere. Phil took another bite of pizza, watching Dan’s face.
“Giving what up?” Dan had no idea what Phil was talking about. Pizza? Because there was no way Dan was giving up pizza. Even when he was going through his vegan phases—trying his best to live healthily—the greasy, cheesy goodness called to him. Vegan cheese didn’t taste as good as the real stuff, but it was still pizza. And he wasn’t vegan right now, so the pizza was excellent. He took another bite and savored it.
Phil put down his slice of pizza and wiped his hands and mouth on a piece of kitchen roll. “YouTube,” he replied seriously.
Dan blinked. He hadn’t expected this, especially not over pizza and an episode of “Stranger Things.” This was a relaxing Netflix binge of a beloved television show to prepare for the highly anticipated upcoming new season, not a time for potentially life-changing conversations.
“Let’s just … let’s just watch the show,” he replied. He heard the slight tremble in his voice, and he knew Phil would hear it, too.
Phil touched Dan’s wrist, just gently. Not forcing him to put down the pizza, not forcing him to do anything, because he never did … just urging him to stop and think and be serious for a minute. He only did that when he had a good reason, so Dan put down his pizza and cleaned up with the kitchen roll.
He looked at Phil’s serious face and bit his lip nervously. Why did he feel so nervous? “You think I should give up YouTube?” he asked. He could hear the uncertainty in his own voice. It had been a year since he’d uploaded his last video that wasn’t about the tour, and he’d been feeling rotten about that for months, ever since they’d gotten back and he felt like everyone was waiting, watching his channel and his Twitter and his Instagram and just … expecting things from him. Things he didn’t feel ready to give. Expectations that paralyzed him with self-doubt. And the longer he went without “giving the people what they want,” the greater the expectations grew, at least in his own mind. The greater the anxiety, the greater the self-doubt, until they had grown to be a monster that devoured all of his creativity.
“You think I should give up YouTube,” he repeated, not a question this time but a statement.
Phil took his hand and leaned forward to kiss him gently. “I think you should do what makes you happy. Does YouTube still make you happy? We don’t need the money. You could focus on the other things you do, the other things you care about.”
Dan felt tears spring to his eyes and looked away from Phil’s gaze. The silence stretched until finally he choked out, “But how long would I be relevant if I stopped making videos? How long would people care about my involvement in YoungMinds? How long would people care about anything I do? YouTube is the only way I can … the only way I can make people care about me.”
Phil pulled Dan into his arms and shushed him, kissing his hair and holding him tight. “It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. People care about you. The people who count will always care about you, no matter what you do.” Phil tilted his face up to kiss Dan’s lips gently before he added, “Unless you become a cannibal.” Dan choked out a laugh at the unexpected levity, and he could hear in his own voice that he was crying, even though there weren’t tears on his face … not yet. If Phil kept being so sweet to him, the tears would fall soon enough.
“I just feel this … this weight bearing down on me,” Dan explained hesitantly. “Everyone waiting for me to do something amazing.” He was glad Phil didn’t make an AmazingPhil reference, because right now wasn’t the moment for levity. “After the depression video and ‘Trying To Live My Truth’ … it was like my channel was going in a different direction, you know? A more serious direction … like I want … like with my merch, you know? I want to make a difference. Help people who struggle with the same things that weigh me down every day. Keep a sense of humor about it, but talk about things that really matter.”
Phil gave him a squeeze and asked quietly, “And you feel like you can’t make those videos?”
Dan broke free, gesturing wildly with his hands and crying out, “I just feel like I can’t make anything like what everyone is expecting! It won’t be good enough, not after all this time they’ve been waiting!”
Phil smiled gently at him, not trying to pull him close again, knowing that Dan would come back when he was ready … and, sure enough, Dan curled up against him a moment later. Dan thought to himself that it felt like a metaphor somehow. A metaphor for his online life, his YouTube channel, everything his audience was expecting from him and how he reacted.
Maybe, like Phil, they were just waiting for him to come back when he was ready.
Dan turned off the television with Netflix still paused on the episode of “Stranger Things” and pulled gently on Phil’s hand, leading him to bed, where they lay close and kissed softly in the dark.
A few hours later, Dan looked up when a bleary Phil shuffled into the dimly-lit lounge, rubbing at his eyes under the frames of his glasses. “I woke up and you weren’t there,” Phil said, his voice husky with sleep.
Dan set his laptop on the table to make room for Phil next to him on the sofa, and they cuddled close, warmth between them sinking into his bones. “I had a video idea,” Dan said quietly, the words dropping hesitantly into the night as he ducked his head under Phil’s chin as they slid down to lie pressed together on the sofa. And then he could feel that his voice, though still quiet, had grown a bit stronger when he whispered, “Want to help me film something tomorrow?”
Phil twined his legs together with Dan’s and leaned down to kiss his hair again as they lay together. “Always.”
tags on ao3: pinof 10, fluff and angst, reminiscing on the past.
a/n: im emotional rn hbu
word count: 907
summary: pinof 10 is the final pinof and the fans don't know it yet. dan and phil look forward to the future while reminiscing on the past.
“This year had felt different than the previous. They had accomplished and shared so much of themselves with the people who supported them.”
[read on ao3]
rbs comments and kudos are so appreciated!
full fic under the cut
“So, that’s really it then,” Dan said looking at Phil who was sat on the sofa across the living room of their flat.
He had just received the twitter notification telling him Phil had tweeted the new Phil Is Not On Fire video to all their fans.
“It is,” He replied looking down at his phone.
Dan assumed he was going through some tweets, looking to reply to a few fans. This year had felt different than the previous. They had accomplished and shared so much of themselves with the people who supported them. They both knew it was time to pull back, move on to bigger and better things.
“Remember the first time we wiped the cat whiskers off in the tiny bathroom of your flat?” Dan asked.
Phil chuckled, “God, how many subscribers did I even have back then?”
“I’m not sure anymore. Remember that night though? Laying in your bed after we filmed the first one?” Dan reminisced.
He no longer felt comfortable with the distance between them. So, Dan stood up and moved to join Phil on the sofa. Phil adjusted so Dan could curl into his side. He wrapped his arm around the younger man to provide comfort. A comfort they felt they both needed at that moment. Dan watched as Phil continued scrolling through his twitter mentions as the tidal wave of excitement came in. The moment so many fans had been waiting for and asking about had arrived. The tsunami of thoughts came with it.
“Dan, how could I ever forget that night? Your nose and cheeks were red as a tomato from trying to wipe the sharpie off. It was the night I knew we had started something good that was going to last,” Phil spoke softly.
He sighed and pressed a gentle kiss to Dan’s head. He then squished them a little closer together as he needed to write our replies to fans still. Dan didn’t mind though. He liked to see what was being written. He still wanted to talk about that night though, today was the finale but that didn’t mean he couldn’t reminisce their beginnings.
“Do you remember what we talked about that night?” Dan asked.
“Some,” Phil replied.
“I asked you if you’d show me the world. I asked if we would be all in for the future,” Dan felt embarrassed trying to jog Phil’s memory.
“And I promised you I didn’t want it any other way,”
“I never thanked you,” Dan said nearly interrupting Phil.
“Never thanked me for what, Dan?” Phil laughed.
With Dan and Phil, serious conversations were always a business thing. Even then they liked to keep it light, but today felt different.
“I never thanked you for keeping your promise. We created our own universe and the world came with it,” Dan said sniffling a bit.
“Was it the most fun you’ve ever had?” Phil joked putting his phone down to pull Dan into a hug.
“You’re an idiot, you know?” Dan smiled a few tears still making their way out of his eyes.
“I know. I can tell you I never thought we’d end up here. I can’t believe it’s been ten years,” Phil said
They had had a lot of discussion of when the perfect time to pull back would be. They needed to go out with a bang that only they and the ones close to them knew would be the grand finale. A second tour seemed fit. A second tour closed off with a final tribute to the place where it all began. In a bedroom answering questions from the people that brought them to where they were.
It was sad in a lot of ways. They had so many great accomplishments behind them and so many lives they impacted lying in all corners of the globe. And this one video would reach them all. An unknowing thank you to the person behind the computer screen for the years they had all spent together.
They both knew that the future was uncertain, and it was their turn to slow things down. It was time for Dan and Phil to build a home and move forward with a life away from YouTube. It was time to use the momentum the years had given them and create projects that would change the way people saw them. They wanted to build a life and now seemed like a good time.
“One last question Phil. Then we can just really enjoy the wave of content everyone is creating,” Dan spoke after a brief silence.
“What is it, Dan?”
“Back in 2009, did you ever think we’d end up here?” He asked quietly. Not much above a whisper.
“Not in a hundred lifetimes,” Phil stated sincerely.
“I’m so glad that this is life one hundred and one then,” Dan smiled
Phil Is Not On Fire had a good run. Both boys knew it was time to say goodbye. The series had become so much more than a pair of cat whiskers and a Q&A and they couldn’t be prouder. Life had so much in store coming up for them though, and now seemed like the perfect time to give their final bow.
Not even they really knew it yet, but this marked the end of a book in their life and a sequel was in the works.
Ten years and it was really the most fun they’ve ever had.
Summary: Dan had heard enough horror stories about sirens to be thoroughly terrified. He never wanted to go near the water, but as fate would have it, Dan's father had to sign him up for on a merchant's ship bound for the siren's passage. Dan had a sinking feeling that he was not going to survive an encounter with one of the deadly predators. Those touched by the siren's kiss were bound to drown. Except... it doesn't go quite like that.
Word count: 32.5k
Warnings: Minor injuries, mentions of blood, near drowning, non-consensual touching, near death experiences
I: The Siren’s Prey | II: The Siren’s Word | III: The Siren’s Blood | IV: The Siren’s Call
