Connecticut (Chapter 14)
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Grace slept for much of Sunday morning but still woke feeling drained. She was due to collect Hannah at 3 from Faith but instead called her sister.
“Hey”
“Grace, is that you, you sound awful, are you OK?”
“No, no, I’m …… ill. I think I’ve got food poising or something. Listen can you come and get Hannah’s school things and have her a couple more days?”
“No worries – I’ll see you soon.”
When Faith arrived, she knew straight way that Grace was lying about being ill. Her eyes were still swollen from crying.
“Wanna talk?”
Grace shook her head ‘no’ miserably then slumped down on the bottom of her stairs and started to cry again.
“He wants to have a baby with me!” she sniffed.
“And this is a bad thing, why?”
Grace rolled her eyes at her sister as if she were simply the dumbest person on the planet.
“So you’ve conveniently forgotten what Jim and I went through to have Hannah then!” she said accusingly.
“No, of course not. But why assume the worst? They never found a reason for the miscarriages did they? And you fell for Hannah naturally in the end right?”
“That’s what he said!”
“Well, it’s true isn’t it?”
“I just don’t know if I can go there again, you know each month waiting to see if it’s worked or not, the crushing disappointment if I’m not pregnant, his disappointment…..” she heaved a shaky breath. “in me”
“Come on Grace, he’s a grown man, he must know there are no guarantees. Even if he married some young bimbo, she might not be able to give him a child. And it takes two to tango honey, it’s not all down to you, you know?”
Faith sat down next to Grace and hugged her.
“So am I to assume that you two fought about this yesterday?”
“Not exactly – he didn’t fight. He just let me rant and rave and say unspeakable things to him and then he just went to bed. I didn’t mean to hurt him, I just don’t know if I can handle it again.”
“Talk to him, I mean if you simply can’t face it, you could adopt….. you’d do that wouldn’t you?”
“Yes…. I just don’t know if that would be enough for him. He lost a baby too you know.”
“Yeah I remember that, and is ex girlfriend died too……… between you, you’ve been through the mill huh?”
Grace nodded and the tears started again.
“Come on, it’ll be OK, just talk to him. You’ll be OK. You love him right?” Grace shook her head yes “And he loves you?”
“I think so, at least he said he did yesterday”
“So get him over here and talk”
“I can’t”
“Why not?”
“He’s flying to Vancouver for re-shoots” she looked at her watch “About now…. for two weeks”
“Well call him, text him, e mail him, use modern technology for heaven’s sake. Don’t stew for two weeks. I’ll keep Hannah til Tuesday OK and then you’re just going to have to pull yourself together for her sake”
Grace did try to pull herself together and resolved that evening to call him in the morning but that’s when his note arrived - it didn’t exactly seem to her to shout ‘I still love you’ or ‘call me’. She sank into further despondency. His note hadn’t finished it but it might as well have from where she stood. His cold tone was obviously preparing the way for him to bow out gracefully before finding himself stuck with her. She was spiralling down rapidly into self pity. One moment she would find herself raging against the fate of her losses and infertility which had left her so scarred and fearful of trying to have more children. The next she was wishing she’d listened to the warning voices all those weeks ago in Stamford that had said ‘in any future, he’ll want babies and you’re too scared to go there again so back off now while you can’. But she hadn’t been able to fight the feelings he stirred in her. Feelings and passions she’d not felt in so long. It had been so good to be loved, truly loved again and to love him back.
Tuesday dawned and she knew she needed to get herself together for Hannah when she collected her from school. She called Sandy, hoping that she was in LA and could help her gain some perspective before she lost the plot entirely. Happily Sandy was home and invited Grace over for lunch.
“So what’s been going on with you? I haven’t heard from either of you in weeks and then Jesse’s daughter told me Keanu has a new girlfriend and showed me your picture in ‘People’. So you guys went for it huh?”
“Yes - but now I wish I’d just left well alone. It’s all turned sour” Grace began, face betraying the hurt she was feeling. She began to explain everything to Sandy.
Like Faith, Sandy tended to think Grace was being overly negative about trying for a baby both in terms of her own low expectations and her assumption that Keanu wouldn’t go into it with his eyes open about the risks. But she also said that if it was all too terrifying for her to embark upon again, she was sure he would come to understand and they might explore alternative parenting options. In telling Sandy how the discussion had gone, Grace could see that all she’d really done was let off steam about her fears without ever really letting Keanu speak to put across his point of view. Her stomach turned over as she described the remark about Hannah being a real child as opposed to a dream, recalling the pain in his eyes. It was small wonder he’d not left her an affectionate note! By the time she left to collect Hannah, Grace felt so much more positive and resolved to call Keanu and apologise that evening, hoping he’d at least accept her apology and be willing to talk more when he returned home.
But when she called, the phone was switched off. She left a brief message on the voicemail apologising and asking him to call. She realised she didn’t know where he was staying so her only other option was e mail of which she knew Keanu was not a fan. He reluctantly used it sometimes but she didn’t even know if he’d taken his laptop with him and he wasn’t the type to go to an internet café, that’s for sure. She sent him the briefest of notes and crossed her fingers that he would be in touch before too long.
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