dont beat the girl out of my boy is sung by a gay woman i know this but i still take it as a song for trans/nb guys like to say u dont have to lose ur softness to be a boy . being soft isnt only for girls
you ever spend so much time with only yourself for company that the way you make Casual Conversation just becomes so incompatible w like every person you interact with so it just pushes you further into lonely bc haha me neither
Most of the curtains were drawn on the second floor of Madam Yu’s mansion. The horde of aunts, uncles, and cousins didn’t usually venture this far, preferring the high-ceilinged main rooms or the airy, lotused courtyard. There, conversation flowed up and around, blending into a hum of white noise that Wei Wuxian usually found comforting — the sound of people, their laughter, their presence — but it was all a bit much tonight. He knew his family well enough to recognize the warning signs of a fight, and well enough to understand when it would be best if he made himself scarce for a bit.
So he padded in his slippers through the empty hallway, wine glass in hand, trying to figure out which floor-length curtain concealed the double doors out to the balcony above the lake. He pulled one aside and blinked at the sunset. A figure was silhouetted against the orange-yellow glow, leaning against the railing. Wei Wuxian squinted. Tall, wide-shouldered, neat dark hair. Who —
Oh. Those shoes. The stupidest shoes, with the stupidest gaudiest gold buckle. Of course. He’d been absent from the crowd inside. Yanli had been distracted by her brothers, sure, but Wei Wuxian really should have noticed sooner. This was Jin Zixuan’s family now, too, and he couldn’t expect to get away with — well, with what Wei Wuxian was trying to do just then, but it was different.
He threw the door open, only spilling a little wine in the process.
“I knew it! You’re seriously avoiding her? I shouldn’t be surprised, but this is really —”
Jin Zixuan turned. His face shifted in milliseconds from surprise to frustration to bare horror. “Don’t — don’t close the —”
“— something else, what?”
“— door.”
The door had already swung shut behind Wei Wuxian. Jin Zixuan slumped back against the balustrade. He closed his eyes and tilted his head up to the sky.
“What’s your problem?” Wei Wuxian said.
“Please tell me you have your phone on you,” said Jin Zixuan, not moving.
Wei Wuxian tapped his pockets. “Nope. Left it with shijie. She was teaching Uncle Jiang how to use Snapchat filters.”
Jin Zixuan huffed a laugh. “How’s that going?”
“Why don’t you find out for yourself? She needs you in there. It’s tense,” Wei Wuxian said. “You can’t just disappear like this.”
“Okay, first, what are you doing?” Zixuan asked, his voice clipped. “I doubt you came out here to find me. And second. Try the door.”
“What?”
Jin Zixuan gestured toward the elaborate brass doorknob. “Try it.”
He tried it.
It was locked from the inside.
“Oh… shit.”
“Yeah. Shit,” Jin Zixuan agreed. “You definitely don’t have your phone?”
“No. Neither do you, I assume.”
“No.”
“Cool. Cool cool cool.”
They both took long drinks from their respective glasses — Wei Wuxian from his stunningly expensive white wine, and Jin Zixuan from a highball half-full of something dark.
“Is that vinegar?” Wei Wuxian squinted at the glass.
“It’s Coke, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“Well, you always have such a sour face on, so...”
“A sour — you — okay. Was there anyone else in the hallway? Anyone who might hear us if we yell?”
“No. Everyone’s in the courtyard or the main halls. Oh man… how long have you been out here?” Wei Wuxian’s mind worked to remember when he’d last seen his brother-in-law that night. It’d been right after their meal, when Jiang Cheng’s voice got a touch louder and Madam Yu’s expression got a bit colder.
“A while.”
“Have you tried pounding on the door?”
Jin Zixuan looked slightly aghast at the idea. “You go ahead.”
“Afraid of embarrassing yourself, golden boy? Luckily I have no such reservations,” Wei Wuxian said with a grin. He accompanied his impromptu percussion solo with shouts of his brother’s and sister’s names. No dice. He turned back with a defeated shrug. “So were you just resigned to your fate out here? What was your plan? Swim?”
Jin Zixuan rolled his eyes. “Truth be told, I hadn’t really thought about it yet. The fresh air is nice. I needed a break.”
Wei Wuxian joined him against the railing. They stared up at the ouside of the mansion. Cool evening air brushed past, carrying the rustling of leaves and the scent of lotus from the lake. The mansion was stunning in the evening, light wood and sandstone glinting in the sun. The windows were rendered opaque in the gold glare. It looked incredible… and impenetrable.
Inside, Madam Yu might be happy that Wei Wuxian was gone, or she might be yelling about his disappearance. Either way, Jiang Cheng would be silent under her glare. Shijie and Uncle Jiang were likely attempting to keep as much peace as possible. The tension would be palpable. And here they were, Wei Wuxian and Jin Zixuan, indulgently enjoying the sunset while their loved ones suffered.
“Just thought you’d sneak out as soon as the going got tough? That checks,” Wei Wuxian said. The words were icy in his throat.
“There’s no need to be rude. I’m betting you’re out here for the same reason as me,” Jin Zixuan said. He glanced over at Wei Wuxian, face stony.
“I’m escaping because my adoptive mother hates me,” Wei Wuxian said, matter-of-fact.
“I’m escaping because my brothers-in-law hate me,” Jin Zixuan threw back with the same tone.
They stood in frosty silence. Wei Wuxian gulped the last of his wine.
“We don’t… We don’t hate you, Zixuan. We’re just…”
“Protective?” Jin Zixuan set his glass down on the stone railing. “How is it that when I try to do something to take care of Yanli, you two are on me for being overbearing, but when I give her space, you won’t shut up about me abandoning her?”
“You —”
He turned to Wei Wuxian, face hard. “Do you not trust her?”
“Now who’s being rude? We don’t trust you!” Wei Wuxian threw up his hands. “After the way you treated her at the beginning? You think we can just forget? The on-again, off-again, ignoring and crawling back, over and over, do you know how much she hated that? And we saw it. We were there with her. We don’t know what you’re going to do next, so no. We don’t trust you.”
Jin Zixuan coughed a dry laugh. “This again? Really?”
“Yes, this again,” Wei Wuxian said. “Until you can prove that you’ve changed, it’s this again, for as long as it takes.”
“I’ve proven it to the only person that matters.” He scoffed. “I don’t know why I thought this could be an actual conversation.”
Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes. He paced the balcony, craning to peer into windows, looking for an escape route. But the gods that night weren’t kind enough to him, or perhaps not kind enough to Jin Zixuan, to provide such an exit. I may be stuck out here with him, he thought, but he is also stuck out here with me. A small consolation.
From against the balustrade, Jin Zixuan watched his pacing. “I’ve apologized, you know. To her.”
“I sure as hell hope you have, golden boy.” He climbed up on the thick stone and stretched to see if he could knock on the third-floor window. Not quite.
“I’m sorry I put her through all of that. And I’m sorry that you had to… that I forced you three into a difficult position.”
Wei Wuxian spun and jumped off the railing, back to the balcony tiles. “You said you’d apologized to her already. I don’t need to hear it.”
“This is to you, Wei Wuxian. I’m apologizing to you.” His tone was strained but his eyes were intense and unwavering. “It must have been difficult to support her through all of that. Thank you for being there. I’m sorry that I caused it.”
“Wow.” Wei Wuxian blinked. “Where’d the peacock go?”
“Well, you haven’t exactly tried to get to know me lately, have you?” Jin Zixuan worked his jaw and stared up at the mansion again. “Look. I know how it… how I acted. But I was a kid. I was spoiled, and just entering the world for the first time, and suddenly all eyes were on me.” He crossed his arms tightly. “I was so self-conscious. I still am. I was an asshole to a lot of people, but especially to her.”
“Yeah. You were,” Wei Wuxian scoffed. “Humiliating her in front of all those people —”
“I’m trying to — God, Wei Wuxian, can I just talk? Are you the same person you were when you were eighteen? I get what I was like. I know. And a-Li knows that I know. She’s chosen to look at how I’ve improved, not at how I was. I value my personal growth, and so does she. I wish you could see that. And I know she does, too.”
Wei Wuxian crossed his arms, mirroring Jin Zixuan. “So what do you want? My — our — blessing?”
“I don’t need your blessing, or your forgiveness. I just… I’d like your respect.” Jin Zixuan faced him again, lips pursed. “Or the chance to earn it, at least.”
Wei Wuxian searched his face, brow furrowed. “You… are kind of a douche,” he said.
“Okay, fine. Can’t say I didn’t try.” Jin Zixuan straightened up, picked up his Coke, and began towards the other end of the balcony, away from Wei Wuxian.
“No! No, wait, I’m sorry. Look…” Wei Wuxian said as he ran a hand through his mussed hair. “You’re right. We — I haven’t given you a fair fight. I’ve been rude. And though I will maintain that you hold the crown for the douchier of us two,” Jin Zixuan tilted his head in concession, “you’ve been noticeably less douchey in the past few years, and I was so caught up in how you used to be that I didn’t pay attention to how you are now. And for that, I really am sorry. You deserve better treatment than that.”
The sun was almost completely set now. The horizon was a dark purple-red where it met the lake. Cicadas and frogs chirped from below, accompanying the gentle lapping of the water.
“When do you think they’ll find us?” Jin Zixuan said after a long pause.
“Either they’ve already been looking for an hour, or they won’t realize until everyone’s packing up to leave.”
“Great.” Jin Zixuan took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry for how I acted. I’m sorry I caused pain. It was just how I learned to… Growing up in my house was intense.”
“I can understand that,” Wei Wuxian replied.
“It’s not an excuse. But it’s a reason.”
“No, I get it. I...” Wei Wuxian paused. He picked up his empty wineglass and twisted it in his fingers. Watched the last of the light glint from the rim. “I get it.”
Jin Zixuan finished his Coke and leaned over the side balustrade, looking at the windows on the floor below. “Hey, do you think one of those windows is the dining room?”
“Yeah, the second one in.” Wei Wuxian leaned as well, pointing. “The one with the vines under.”
Jin Zixuan lifted his empty glass in one hand and grabbed Wei Wuxian’s with the other. “How many of these does your mother have?”
“God, with the amount of entertaining she does? Hundreds, probably.”
He thought for a moment, staring at the glasses. “Well. We only get two tries at this, so I hope they’re still in there.” Before Wei Wuxian could process his words, Jin Zixuan lined himself up, wound his arm back, and threw the wineglass at the dining room window. It hit its target square in the center and shattered with a grand crash.
“Nice aim for a peacock,” Wei Wuxian said, impressed.
“Thanks, but it’ll only do us any good if —”
A shriek came from the dining room window, now thrown open. “What the hell was that?”
Jiang Cheng’s face popped out of the window. He looked around furiously. When he spotted Wei Wuxian and Jin Zixuan on the balcony above, it seemed he couldn’t decide whether to settle on confusion or rage. “What are you two doing up there? Did you actually just throw something? Are you insane? Where have you been? Mom’s been complaining that you both disappeared, do you want to die?”
“Hi, Jiang Cheng!” Wei Wuxian waved with both arms and grinned. “Can you open the balcony door for us? We’ve been locked out for a while!”
“Wei Wuxian, you can’t keep yourself out of trouble for one night —”
“It was my fault!” Jin Zixuan called. “I got lost and he came looking for me. We didn’t realize the door was locked until it was too late.”
Jiang Cheng shook his head and slammed the window shut. Wei Wuxian laughed.
“That was fantastic.”
“Thank you,” Jin Zixuan said with a little bow.
“Not so afraid of embarrassing yourself now? Or is it okay to embarrass yourself if you also get to show off?” Wei Wuxian teased, bumping their shoulders together.
Jin Zixuan shrugged and smiled.
The balcony door finally, blessedly, swung open to reveal Yanli and Jiang Cheng, concern on the former’s face, exasperation on the latter’s. Wei Wuxian watched Jin Zixuan’s expression soften when he saw Yanli. He swept forward to kiss her cheek and forehead while she laughed.
“What, have you been out here for weeks? I’m surprised we didn’t hear you two fighting. Come on, let’s go home,” she said.
They stepped into the hallway and out of sight. Jiang Cheng, fuming, held the door for Wei Wuxian as he entered.
“Hey, at least you had us out of your hair for a while,” Wei Wuxian said.
Jiang Cheng scoffed. “At least you weren’t trapped with someone you actually enjoy hanging out with. It’s what you get for sneaking off.”
“He’s not a bad person,” Wei Wuxian said quietly. “He’s come a long way, and we should respect that.”
“Yeah, okay,” Jiang Cheng said, but the bite was gone from his voice.
There was a brief moment of shouting from Madam Yu, followed by goodbyes from Uncle Jiang and the few cousins that had stuck it out till the end, and then Wei Wuxian was unlocking his car in the driveway. Further down, on the other end of the drive, Jin Zixuan was opening his passenger door for Yanli. It was dark, but Wei Wuxian could tell when Zixuan’s face looked up and caught sight of his own.
Wei Wuxian pulled his phone out of his pocket, lit up the screen, and waved it before starting on a text. As he typed, Jin Zixuan’s typing bubble appeared too, and before he could press ‘send’, Jin Zixuan’s message popped onto his screen. He laughed — the words he received was identical to the ones he’d been typing.
Coworker at my new job called me the most "cutthroat" person he's met, and I keep thinking about it. This guy's the epitome of cis white dude who cuts the sleeves off all his shirts, drinks on the job, and used to work at a grueling railroad job.
I used to be referred to as "sweet" and "a precious cinnamon roll".
Most of the time, I'm just like: 🧍+ gay ships running through my head nonstop.
