#aplatonicjacuzzi

[200mgcaffeine]

My current obsession is with the Arms of the Betrayers, evil sentient swords are hella sexy. What are your thoughts on them?

Arms of the Betrayers: A Sexy Review

Blade of Broken Mirrors: Now, Tharizdun is an absolute LOSER god, which is why it blows my mind that the sexiest of the blades (look at that name!) is his doing. Looks like a stone blade with a maze inscription, understated while also recalling ancient sacrificial weapons? Killer aesthetic. It just subtly uses your own personality to manipulate you into being more reckless (like dagger wielders aren’t already fans of living dangerously) and then gives you a whole bunch of invisibility and illusion spells to make it easier? Fantastic. You can look like whatever person you killed with this blade? The other stuff is great, but this feature catapults it to Big Sexy, 100000/10, dagger dagger dagger bitch

Grovelthrash: Both the name and the carvings of faces screaming in pain are a little hammy, a little obvious, but I suppose obvious is what you’re going for when you’re beating someone over the head with a warhammer. Honestly just a good bro of a weapon–sure it’s evil, but it’s happy with the simple pleasures of killing and getting loot, and also a polite being that compliments you for doing these things and having a good time! Praise kink! A great pal for a career adventurer. Burrowing through stuff is also a fun time. 6/10, in the Marry category of Fuck Marry Kill

Lash of Shadows: Uninspired name, and inaccurate. This is a poison weapon, what is this “shadows” nonsense about? Maybe Zehir was tired of coming up with names for his sneapons (snake weapons). However, what this has going for it is the inherent sexiness of whips (yassss) live snakes (YASSSSS) and poison (YAAAASSSSSSS) Unfortunately the weapon’s personality is a huge turnoff, as it is completely unhinged and has a short temper. 3/10, needs to stop lashing out

Mace of the Black Crown: Tasteful name and design. Regal, subtly goth color palette, and a corkscrew handle so you feel like you’re gripping the horn of the Devil, if you catch my meaning. Enters your dreams (always a sexy feature) but instead of being a creep it just sensibly talks tactics with you like a good war general. Just wants some more souls for the Nine Hells. And you can summon devils with this, for those of you with a power kink. (7/10, basically banging your straight-laced military advisor)

Ruin’s Wake: A simple but beautiful name, to the point, and with 0 goth color palette in the design, which is cutting edge evil fashion. Making a weapon from bone is all the goth you need! A HYMN is inscribed in the blade, and turns out if you sing it you can help your friends! Lightning! Unfortunately an absolute snooze in all other respects, wanting nothing more complicated than violence and doing nothing more fun than bloodshed. (2/10, no electricity)

Silken Spite: This rapier is always in your corner, to the degree that it will encourage you to murder anyone who even mildly offends you. But then again, everyone needs a “chop his dick off” friend in their lives. The whispering voice is sexy and probably gives you ASMR tingles as you wield it. Turns you into a teleporting spider of darkness, who can walk on walls, is a wonderful mobility aid. Also probably has some lovely lingerie, if the name is any indication (8/10, itsy bitsy spider climbs up the water spout)

The Bloody End: The most egotistical name, or is it a sexy confidence? Will demand others bow down to you if you’re too modest to demand fealty yourself…..and don’t we all want someone who will treat us like royalty? Simple jagged black adamantine, sporting the little black dress of evil weapons. Mind control, fear and charm are in its arsenal, which might raise a few eyebrows in some circles and engender fantasies in others (9/10, is mind fucking you right now)

Will of the Talon: Unlike Zehir, Tiamat leans into the dragon angle when naming her weapon, but only manages to confuse the issue. The claw itself is the one with will? The goal is to at least give the wielder the illusion they’re in control, right? The look is ostentatious, not unlike a 12 year old given too many bedazzling sticker gems. Lets you breathe fire like a dragon (sexy!!) but the “demanding” personality and greediness makes the war pick unnecessarily high-maintenance. (-1/10, just a gold digger) 

[utilitycaster]

Drunk history exandria: explain the gods please?

YES LORE

Deities we primarily interacted with in Campaign 1:

Sarenrae the Everlight was Pike’s goddess and she had been very underground, very hipster, really just Pike’s great-grandfather’s thing honestly but then Pike brought her to the mainstream. I’m unclear what she’s the goddess of but she chills out with Pelor and Pike was a war domain cleric so like, war and light but in a cooler way than Pelor? Hasn’t shown up in Campaign 2.

Speaking of Pelor the Dawnfather he’s the popular god, probably god of the sun but who’s counting, humans like him, fish fear him. He picked Vex as his champion so you know he’s got good taste. The Empire has approved of his message and that nice mercernary who might have a crush on Fjord and definitely crushed Fjord is his paladin. Whitestone also likes him but they also like Erathis? I know Whitestone’s had a rough time of it but like figure it out.

The Raven Queen (Matron of Ravens for those of you who haven’t paid off Wizards of the Coast - Wizards of the Coast is just Yussah Errenis’s tax haven fyi)is great because she’s very different than she is in D&D 5e lore. She was a human who ascended and she’s both creepy and lonely but not in a gross way. The one cleric we know of, Lieve’tel, is cooler than anyone can ever hope to be. Vax dedicated his life to her. In my opinion she’s very, very tough but ultimately fair, even if I don’t totally agree with her philosophy. Also she’s a death goddess but she’s more of a goddess of death as the experience for the person dying, vs....(I’ve rapidly abandoned my attempt to split this up by campaigns)

Melora (The Wildmother)! Goddess of nature! Very into team-ups, collaborated with several gods for her whole ‘how do we deal with the aspects of death the Raven Queen does not, also if we could be a little more chill than having freezing blood pools that would be great’. Married (?) to Erathis (if not, at least long-time lover of), nature goddess. Druids sometimes worship her, a priestess of Melora once told Raishan to fuck off, she adopted Fjord, really she’s the best.

Ioun (The Knowing Mistress)! Goddess of knowledge. She got stabbed during the calamity and is still recovering. She managed to get Percy to kind of care about the gods which is impressive, and she can tolerate both Sprigg’s puns and Scanlan’s whole deal, and indeed encourages it, and also she’s the goddess over the Cobalt Soul. Like, if I lived in Exandria I would totally worship Ioun. She has some real like, Meryl Streep/Helen Mirren vibes in my opinion, like flowing gray hair, would be living her best life if she were not eternally stabbed, knows everything. I mean I play a social justice bard in my home game, Ioun is absolutely my jam.

Kord (The Stormlord) Kord is a himbo, and I mean this in the best way. He’s Thor, and I also mean this in the best way. He’s the jock storm god and he loves monks and barbarians. Earthbreaker Groon, arguably the most badass person in Exandria during the time of Vox Machina, was a high-level monk in his service, and Grog was into him. He just wants everyone to be super buff and love their friends, and he adopted Yasha.

other prime deities about whom we know less:

Erathis (The Lawbearer) is Melora’s girlfriend and there were some things in Whitestone dedicated to her and she’s legal in the Empire. I desperately want more Erathis lore. If I were an LA-based voice actor who knew the CR cast I’d be like “yes I am a paladin of Erathis please give me the lore.”

Moradin (The Allhammer) s a creation god and is commonly worshiped by dwarves; the Dust family has some Moradin elements in addition to their service to Melora. He seems great! I’m intrigued by the Forge domain and dwarves are criminally underplayed in D&D.

Bahamut is the Platinum Dragon; in theory Kima is a paladin of Bahamut and there was also a dragonborn paladin on (gasp) the Tal’Dorei council during the time of VM but in practice Kima seems kind of chaotic, in the best way. Kind of the pinnacle of goodness, so good but a little boring.

The Moonweaver: Elven, definitely not straight, mysterious. Molly worshipped them, as did TJ Storm’s character of Lucius Lorelei, so god of getting some. Involved in the initial fjorging of Fjord’s swjord.

Correlon the Archheart: Caleb is possibly into them insofarasmuch as he gives a shit about the gods? He might have been cured by a cleric of Correlon; also Correlon is the deity of arcana iirc. Canonically (in 5e at least, again iirc) nonbinary, also elven, but we don’t know much.

Avandra the Changebringer: seems to be popular in Ankharel/Marquet, and that family that adopted Kiri secretly worshiped them (her? not sure), illegal in the empire. I don’t trust luck gods personally.

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The bad guys: all kind of blur together to be honest except for:

Tharizdun, he Chained Oblivion: very bad, is catfishing a bunch of people in Wildemount, Jayne Merriweather is a great fucking character though

Vecna: Liches get stitches. For more information see: most of CR campaign 1

The Crawling King (Torog): might be tied to Uk’otoa, def bad news, Fjord might have to fight an ocean demigod at some point.

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The none of the above

The Luxon: not sure what they do, but the drow sure like them. associated with dodecahedra, aka D12s.

Vesh: Kashaw’s deity who married him and did some murders. Apparently she’s not quite as powerful as she seems and is less bloodthirsty than Kash thinks but like, I’m not holding my breath.

The Traveler, now confirmed to be Artagan, an Archfey who is In Over His Head: loves tricks, played himself, needs Jester’s help.

[kimabutch]

For the CR playlist, Cosmo Sheldrake's Come Along for The Traveller or Artagan! There's a VERY strong fae presence in this song.

Oh I love this song, I can’t believe I haven’t thought of this yet — it’s SO good for them. The whole song just screams “archfey with whom you really shouldn’t meddle.” This, in particular, reminds me of the Traveler’s relationship with Jester:

“Run along now, don’t be glum/ Get you gone, now, have some fun/ Don't be long, for the end is nigh” 

Not to mention “and never ask us why.” 

And this is reminiscent of Artagan’s urge to quell his boredom, from his killing of Vax to his escape from the Feywild:

“We'll go to a place that is safe from/ Greed, anger and boredom” 

(Also sent in for Molly, who I think also has a strong fae presence.)

Come yell at me about songs that remind you of Critical Role — but please note that there’s a long delay in responses! (Playlist | song spreadsheet & masterlist by disasterhumans | CR music tag)

[callumanders]

aplatonicjacuzzi replied to your post “queerjewishwerewolf replied to your post “i’m watching the talks at...”

Would that make the Gentleman Wolfram and Hart or

aplatonicjacuzzi replied to your post “queerjewishwerewolf replied to your post “i’m watching the talks at...”

Would that be the Krynn Dynasty

queerjewishwerewolf replied to your post “queerjewishwerewolf replied to your post “i’m watching the talks at...”

The doyle/Molly comparison is killing me now that I'm thinking about it now.

you’re all KILLING ME, this is too good!!!!

[podcastsareforever]

I'm living for your reactions, keep them coming! :D

Oh absolutely!!! I haven't done as much for the first campaign but this final battle I just have to many feelings!!! Literally as soon as I am able tomorrow I am gonna watch the final episode and am gonna sob my eyes out! (Cause it's 3am and I have to sleep) I'm glad you are enjoying my pain! For real though thanks I'm glad at least someone likes them besides me!

[chongoblog]

You still watching Critical Role? I know a while ago you were posting about it.

I only really got up to episode 15. I’ve really been trying my best to listen to it podcast style, but it’s really difficult for me to marathon things

[jq37]

aplatonicjacuzzi replied to your post “Hey, have you seen Escape from The Bloodkeep yet? Do you have...”

"I think everyone except for maybe poor Leiland (sp?) had at least one turn of total nonsense" Let's be real Leiland's fight with Galfast was just sheer nonsense in itself.

Lol, you’re right. What I meant was everyone but Leiland had at least one turn of successful nonsense while Leiland got owned by a frying-pan wielding hobbit halfling. 

[confused-stars]

Bard/barian (Bard and barbarian)?

oh, boy do i have a good barbarian for you!!!!

her name is Pigeon, she’s a little gnome child, about eight years of age. she grew up on the streets, raised by a gang of other orphans, and they named her for the bird since she never had parents who could choose a name for her.one day the city guard decided to take some of the older children, well into their teenage years by now, and lock them up in jail - since they were obviously thieves, hold else would they have survived on the streets for so long?

Pigeon fought them, scratching at their armor with her nails and biting into the hands trying to hold her. she was eventually left, dazed and with a bruising face, on the ground, while the others were taken away.

but her passion and her unwillingness to stand down drew the attention of someone… special. an ancient god, long since forgotten and robbed of most of his power by a betrayer among his closest friends, was in need of a vessel. and this child had just what he needed.

so Valor and Pigeon became one. they killed the city guard, freed the children, and in return, Pigeon agreed to move on and try to find a way to return Valor to his previous glory

everyone who sees her is taken aback by this tiny child carrying this huge hammer, but when she runs into battle with a war cry ripping out of her throat, and her whole body glowing with a furious, divine light, no one laughs at her

(this child is clearly one of my favorites and i need to play her one day, it’s just the incredible hulk only with a very small child)

***

for bard, i have the very first character i ever made on my dnd beyond. his name is Taron and he’s a half-orc. he speaks with a Russian accent.as a little kid, Taron lived with his father, the chief of a pillaging tribe of orcs. he never knew his mother, and he was too afraid to ask about her. half-orcs were treated like servants by their pure blooded clan brothers and sisters, despite their greater physical strength - that just meant they could carry heavier stuff.

for the longest time, Taron thought that part of his name was “Half-Breed”

when he was fourteen years old, a group of human soldiers attacked their tribe, in an effort to defend their village. they were slaughtered quickly, but Taron, who had always been gentle, did not take the opportunity to prove himself. instead, he hid in the underbrush.

the beating that followed sealed it. he would not stay with his clan.

that night, he ran, as far as his tired feet and bruised legs could carry him, far into the dark forest.

he survived on his own for nearly a month, until he heard the song. a voice was singing, in a language he didn’t know. curious, and hopeful of maybe finding some food, even if he had to kill for it, Taron followed the noise until he found a small camp.

only one man was there, an old elf, who had heard him coming but did not jump up to defend himself. instead, he merely smiled and offered some of the rabbit stew he was cooking over the fire.

they traveled together for a while, after then. Taron learned how to sing, he learned how to play the instruments the old man kept wrapped up in the back of his cart and treated better than some people treated their own children.

eventually, Taron learned how to imbue his voice with magic, how to make people see things that weren’t there, how to make someone his friend.

it wasn’t long after that that the old man passed, and Taron was suddenly left to his own devices.

since that day, he has been traveling through the land, offering his services as a healer - he is good with plants, even better than with his voice - and trying to convince people to give him some coin for a song. it’s a hard life, looking like he does, but as long as he has his music, and the woods, he’s happy