#apoetry

[sionwritingco19]

i will never stay quiet when provoked. that’s why i have to steer clear of people who push buttons. a lot of times they push buttons, and then act shocked when you react. that’s called reactive abuse and i’m tired of being a victim of this. i’m constantly fighting for my right to be a human, meanwhile my fight is fuel to their ego. i’m tired of being abused then called abusive. i’m tired of being called useless when im worth more than they deserve. i’m tired of not wanting to be alive; just to avoid others who are so miserable and tired of their own life. you escape by insulting me, i escaped by insulting me too. you project on to me and i accept it. i can’t keep living like this. abandoning myself to preserve you.

[definitelynotelle]

Meaning of it (Part 9)

With definition

No meaning? Is that even a real thing?

Forget it,

I didn’t make any sense anyway

[checkdisoutnow]

Nevermore by VirtualDeviantee on DeviantArt

Nevermore by VirtualDeviantee

[illneighbor]

I’m not sure where I’m meant to sit anymore. Do I go back to the couch? Do I sit by the window at the restaurant? Do I let them see me or do I continue to fade into this existence that tells me that I’m not existing anymore? It’s almost as if everything I hide beneath is seethrough. As if all of my pain and mistakes are exposed. As if I no longer have to speak of my misery, that I am so miserable, that it is felt by all of those around me. When did I become the person I used to despise? I saw myself in the mirror today and I was scared. I was scared of myself because my failure was written on both my cheeks, my forehead, across my quivering lips. I couldn’t stand there. So I sat there. Really, I fell there. To my knees, thinking of grabbing a clean knife from downstairs and go back up those same dreaded steps, just to forget this me. But I was scared again. I’m always scared again. All these contradicting thoughts. So many telling me not to do this anymore. So many telling me there’s more to come. That this couch, that that window spot at the restaurant doesn’t matter. But then I start thinking again and I question if I truly matter? How can I matter in a world that I am not productive in? How can I matter when no one notices when I’m gone or there? The reality is that I truly do not matter. My carbon footprint is simply just a footprint. One that is swept away with the wind on dirt or sand that does not keep a place on its shore or its forest floor. Never belonging. Never staying. Always taken away. Should I be taken away? I be taken away. I be taken. I be away. away.

[illneighbor]

I truly don’t believe you need to label your sexuality. I believe in a completely open mind. I believe in meeting someone and not seeing what is externally pleasing or displeasing, but rather what they hold in their heart that is gold. I believe in getting to know their history and memorizing the way their laugh sounds when I mispronounce various places and languages. I believe in seeing a face that I can create when I close my eyes, their personality the dots that connect their image. Why is this so hard to understand? That I’d rather love a soul first than a goddess or physically fit man. I’d rather give all my love, every piece to someone who comes to me without a mask. I don’t have a sexuality, for I never did. What I possess is humanity and the ability to see the spirit one conjures with the touch of their hand against my own. Tell me your story, your thoughts, your mistakes; I want to know it all. To me that is beauty, that is handsome, that is sexy.

[illneighbor]

(c) Anna Bertrand

[illneighbor]

7.5.2018

Don’t wake me

I’ve fallen into a peaceful sleep

I’m floating over rapid waters

I’m being pulled into an endless stream

Rocks may stop my drift

Whirlpools may pull me under

Rain itself still pours

My ears ring with the thunder

Don’t pull me out

Allow me to continue

Allow my body to wrinkle and prune

I welcome myself to death’s venue

The wind whispers sweet songs

That reaper is calling my name

My soul is carried along

I told you not to wake me

Not even to say goodbye

With the current I feel heavy

With the silence I’m able to know it is my time

So I look up at the stars

The moon

I finally find the Big Dipper

The one you pointed out

When my head took that heavy hitter

See, I convinced myself I chose to sleep

To take this journey across the sea

But the reality is

That thing chose me

But it’s better to feel relieved

Than face the face that did it all

Or to stand there beside you as you try to mend me

My heart

The one you call

So I go under and under

I allow him to cast his sight

Dig his blade into me

Allow me to be a thing of the night

But still with the waves

I hear that voice

“Saying please don’t go”

But it’s really too late

I tell the man to take my message

To cover my lover in invisible bandages

I’m just sleeping, my dear

I’m traveling far

Look next to that Big Dipper

I’ll be a star

Shining and shining

It will be okay

I’m sure you’ll catch glimpses of me in that local lake

[illneighbor]

I know death so well

I’m here sitting down on a parking lot curb

There are leaves scattered all over the pavement

Orange, red, yellow

Not as bright as they were when the sun was low in the sky

rusted the moment they touched the surface

How it feels to hang from one of those

A tree

To blow back and forth in the wind

In an endless autumn silence

I have ambition to climb to the top

Tie myself to that accomplishment

But that too seems like a dream too peaceful

And one out of reach

I’m not afraid of heights

But I’m afraid of trying

To live a life dying

Just to fail when you decide to take that jump again seems wasteful

And so I sit and only imagine the sweet bliss of it all

A dark romance within myself

For death is the only thing I have allowed to kiss my lips in weeks that I have felt a connection to

And so I allow it to come close and envelop me with its clammy hands

Because well, I know it so well