#illneighbor

[illneighbor]

I know death so well

I’m here sitting down on a parking lot curb

There are leaves scattered all over the pavement

Orange, red, yellow

Not as bright as they were when the sun was low in the sky

rusted the moment they touched the surface

How it feels to hang from one of those

A tree

To blow back and forth in the wind

In an endless autumn silence

I have ambition to climb to the top

Tie myself to that accomplishment

But that too seems like a dream too peaceful

And one out of reach

I’m not afraid of heights

But I’m afraid of trying

To live a life dying

Just to fail when you decide to take that jump again seems wasteful

And so I sit and only imagine the sweet bliss of it all

A dark romance within myself

For death is the only thing I have allowed to kiss my lips in weeks that I have felt a connection to

And so I allow it to come close and envelop me with its clammy hands

Because well, I know it so well

[illneighbor]

bleeding

My hands are wet and sticky

But when I looked down at my wrists

They were dry

I cut open a smile

I told the world I found happiness

But the blood that I expected to find

Is empty with words

It didn’t travel to me

Didn’t make me feel better

I couldn’t look into a mirror

Without looking away

I told myself I knew myself

But this person I’m seeing isn’t me

Where did she go

Why is she hiding

I thought freeing my demons

Would be freeing that part I can’t let go of

But this play hasn’t ended

And I’m still the character everyone is waiting for to win

But I never win

And the curtains have opened

And the only thing amongst the madness

Is me laying there

Facing everyone

Facing myself

Knowing that this isn’t any happy ending

But an every day ending

Of me losing

Again and again

No epilogue

No promises to live up to

No anything