Yesterday a good friend of mine and I went to Olive Garden, the mall and then to the hockey game in the city near where I live. It was a normal day of laughs, smiles, and of course talking to each other about everything we were going through. We were sitting at Olive Garden near a couple who seemed to be on a date, instead of sitting across from one another they sat on the same side, near our table. I caught them multiple times looking over and smiling at me as if they were listening in on my friend, R, and I's conversation.
I didn't hesitate to lie to her about the questions we were asking, then she asked something that caught me off guard. "What do your parents think about you?" I asked her what she meant by that and she continued, "About you being into girls." Well you see, my parents can think what they want and it won't change me. Yes, I want my parents to accept me, but either way I am me, and only me. I then told her this:
My parents tell me they accept me. But do they? I don't think so. My stepdad, who raised me from a very young age, won't even watch Ellen, he didn't like my LGBT friends come over, and he didn't have much to say when I came out to my parents. If someone asked if he was homophobic I would say, "Yes." On to my Mom, she lost my older sister to SIDS when she was 2 months old. I am my mom's only child and I don't think she really wanted to hear that I am a lesbian. She told me that she loved me no matter what, which I believe is true, she told me she accepted it and I was a tad shocked.. However, I still believed it because she is my mom. I talked to my aunt a few days later to come out to her about my sexuality and she already knew. My mom had talked to her and told her a completely different story. She didn't accept it and she didn't like it. My aunt on the other hand, she accepted it. Her daughter however is a Pansexual so I think she already went through the denial stage.
Anyway, we went to the hockey game, which ended very late and I came home. I was so excited to see my mom who I hadn't seen in 3 days because she had a few oncology appointments in Indianapolis at the Indiana University Medical Center. I was going to go with her but she didn't want me to go so I stayed home and distracted myself the best I could.
As soon as I walked in the door I went into my mom's room to wake her up to ask her about her scans and her appointments. Her response killed me a little..
I am going to do the best I can to live until your 21st birthday.
Woah, what? Did she just say that? I am going to be 20 in May.. That isn't long at all.
Her scans came back and the cancer has spread to more places in her abdominal area and is growing very quickly for what they had first expected. MY MOM HAS GOT TO BE EXAGGERATING. She then told me that she is going to do Chemotherapy to try and slow this cancer down, it will not KILL the cancer, it will only SLOW it down. (After talking to my aunt today, my mom wasn't exaggerating at all.. </3 )
As I said in an earlier blog, my stepdad isn't well either.. Now there is a possibility that I will lose BOTH parents before I turn 21. I am not sure how I will do this. As for now I am just trying to take it one step at a time, even the nights I cry myself to sleep.
Mom, I love you to the moon and back. <3
