There’s a lot of things I’m not good at - remembering to eat before 2pm in the afternoon, making phone calls, brushing my hair, reminding myself that I’m not a total fucking piece of shit, etc. But there are things I am - like waking up people I care about, feeding them, random adventures on Tuesday evenings in the summer, taking a picture that doesn’t let you forget the memory, or making a joke when things are really awful.
My chest often feels heavy and my thoughts are dark, because once upon a time I lost track of the girl who was always laughing through the shadows. Inside my head I once dreamt of someone else and I don’t remember who she is or how she felt.
I sometimes think that this is a cop-out because you arrived on my doorstep (literally), and I can see you when I close my eyes; tired and a little unsure. This is the pain of never forgetting and a memory the holds every moment dear, as if they were recorded on film. I can see you, in the kitchen, me telling you where to sleep and wondering who the fuck I let in when I unlocked the deadbolt. Part of me likes to believe I have grown, and that I know I’m okay and will be no matter what I go through. But, I sometimes feel like an ancient forest that has been pushing back at fires and civilization. That once I let down my guard, I will be taken and to regrow will take me decades.
I wish I could explain the feeling I have when I see you. I can’t say it was instant. I don’t believe in “love at first sight”. But I believe in chemistry and connection. And there was something, instant, this feeling that you were something to let in, someone to get to know and eventually something to hold on to.
