It has been a pleasure to meet your patient YU MILAN today at our clinic following your mental assessement referal.
MILAN is a pleasant 21 year old female, currently single and working in the entertainment industry. She was on time for her appointment and presented a neat apparance. Though she seemed opened, I noticed that she sometimes struggled with expressing her feelings and thoughts and teared up many times during our conversation.
She was referred to me following prolonged symptoms of fatigue, apathy and heaviness, as she describes it. Urine and blood test done last week have shown no issues, removing possible diagnosis of anemia or thyroid issues.
ASSESSEMENT
( see file attached )
IMPRESSION
Following today's consultation, taking in consideration her symptoms and the various events of the past several months in the life of the patient, it would seem that MILAN suffers from adjustment disorder with depressive features.
I've also noted possible signs of anorexia, or developping anorexia in the patient
PLAN
Milan has accepted that the following assessement be shared with her company's mental health specialist and will begin follow-up with her in the next following weeks.
snow piles up again, and milan is out under the pretext of wanting to see snowflakes from closer. while sitting on the bench she picked as her outpost, all she's noticed is how much quieter the night seems under this weather. she extends a hand where a few snowflakes land and melt almost instantly. shouldn't snow be romantic, so why is she feeling like this? having lived over 20 years, the idol used to believe she had experienced all the feelings a human could have. but adulthood keeps teaching her that she doesn't know as much as she thought she did.
because what is this feeling. rather than the innocent joy that snow brought her until now, something inside her chest aches. a feeling of loss and loneliness. like she's missing something... someone.
she considers sending a quick text message. just for today. just this once. what stops her is knowing how pathetic of her it would be to send these words, knowing how much regret she'd end up having for disturbing him because of an emotion she doesn't get.
finally, tears come out, her breath shudders. she's been doing so good until now, why suddenly. the question brings a sob. will she truly ever be alright? or would a part of her be plagued with sadness, ready to creep back on her at unexpected moments.
the worst part of it, is knowing that all she an do is keep living like that today, tomorrow, on and on. but she's sick of it. and again these words; what's wrong with her?
she presses the palms of her hands against her eyes, as if that could stop her tears. time passes, the many snowflakes melting on her get her hair wet, but the idol remains still. she doesn't move until she hears voices. quickly she wipes her tears and her nose, stands up while dusting the snow off her.
i don't want us to grow but we had to
i didn't want to grow but, above all, i didn't want to lose you
i didn't want to change, but i began hating the me you didn't want of
yet even in those changes, i'm still not enough to be equal to you...
mbti evolution... success ! ESFJ ⭬ ESFP (*significant reduction of the F degree, now only at 8%)
it took milan a minute and a half to get there, but if milan is good at one thing, it's being stubborn and strict with herself. back in september 2023, milan vowed to change herself with the sole intention of becoming more charming and attractive, which began with a complete wardrobe change.
her intentions shifted not long after... or had to. it would've happened one day, in a few years, but a single sentence shattered her world. she was aware that the superficial changes would've never been enough, but suddenly, from a mildly insecure young adult, she began hating every fiber of herself, from head to toe, from her thoughts to her core. it took a few liters of tears, some reckless mistakes and many unhealthy coping mechanism, but finally, the only way forward was clear;
(that) yu milan must die
the sweet summer child she's been, certainly has been dying. a slow process, a long process, a painful process. the sweet summer child isn't anymore, but it's still not enough. she still isn't enough.
the before: For people with the ESFJ personality type (consuls), life is sweetest when it’s shared with others. These social individuals form the bedrock of many communities, opening their homes – and their hearts – to friends, loved ones, and neighbors.
this doesn’t mean that they are saints or that they like everyone. In fact, they are much more likely to form close bonds with people who share their same values and opinions. But regardless of other people’s beliefs, ESFJ personalities still strongly believe in the power of hospitality and good manners, and they tend to feel a sense of duty to those around them. Generous and reliable, they often take it upon themselves – in ways both large and small – to hold their families and their communities together.
the after: if anyone is to be found spontaneously breaking into song and dance, it is people with the ESFP personality type (entertainers). they get caught up in the excitement of the moment and want everyone else to feel that way too. No other type is as generous with their time and energy when it comes to encouraging others, and no other type does it with such irresistible style.
a heavy silence fall in the small office, only broken by the idol's soft sniffles. in all her months working with the therapist, milan had never spoken such words. and the younger girl can tell that this wasn't the breakthrough ms. seo expected from her.
"those are strong words, milan." the woman leans forward, shortening the distance separating her from the young woman.
"i gave it some thought over the holiday." milan begins, gaze lowering to the crumpled tissue in her hand. she hadn't cried in an appointment in a while. that had been the first red flag that the therapist noticed. "to be honest, i'm not the type to instrospect much. i've always lived life as it comes. when i was young, it was okay, but i'm an adult now. shouldn't i be more responsible?
that's what lead me to look at myself from the outside." even through the tears, she refuses to stop, refuses to choke on these words, refuses to give up here. these words need to be spoken out loud. and the safest place to do so is here, with ms seo, in between four walls where secrets remain sealed. "honestly, i'm seriously annoying as a person." she insists on the word seriously. "i'm uneducated, i have no real goal, i don't even have short time plans, i have childish tasted and interest and on top of that i'm kind of dumb too.
i cling to the people i love the most, probably suffocating them. i don't even know how they haven't told me to let them breathe in peace just yet. but i know that if i tried to give them space purposely, even just to be a better friend, i'd end up sad and anxious. i'm unable to hold a serious conversation but i'm still there wherever they turn." she snorts. "what do i even talk about? food, meme, tiktok challenges and stupid hair accessories? tsk. am i not the most tiring person to try having a conversation with?
those are things that i can improve on. i have little interest in philosophy or things like that, but i can make an effort. however the worse part is what i can't change. why can't i be someone who goes 'cool' at a negative situation instead of being unable to accept the facts? as much as i acknowledge things, i can't accept them easily. isn't that the worse type of person to have to deal with?
seeing it like that, i understand why i can't be enough. i'd choose someone else over myself too. thinking of building a future with someone like me? i too would never want to consider it.
so yeah, i hate who i am." finally, she falls silent. she doesn't even bother wiping her cheeks even when the therapist gives her a new tissue. no point in wasting a tissue when tears are bound to keep coming.
milan listens at the kind woman trying to comfort her, trying to tell her that she has many virtues and strengths. that everyone has their own unique personality, with their strong points and their flaws.
"if the answer is that this is my personality." she sniffs one last time, straightens up and, stares into the older woman's eyes. "then i believe that the me that i am now should die."
[ tw: drowning, asphyxia, self-harm, eating disorders, mental health ]
milan watches her legs swirling in the water. the public pool is so deep that she can barely see the bottom, yet she lets herself slip in and sink down. she keeps her eyes opened even if she knows they will sting later. but discomfort... no, pain, is now familiar to her. better one physical than the one she's been carrying for a while now. she watches as the surface gets further and further away. she watches others swimming above her, the ambiant sound muted by the water.
isn't this a metaphore of her current life; her watching others on the surface as she sinks in a deafening darkness, knowing that no one will jump to rescue her. she knows better than to hope that anyone would do so for her. not anymore. hope. the beginning of disappointment. there's no place for hope for someone like her.
her feet finally touch the bottom and she slowly let her breath out, slowly empties her lungs and she remains. she remains even if her body tries to raise a sense of panic in her. she has to remain.
she's always bumbled through life without much care of worry. she's always followed the whims of others and accepted to go that way or this way. and because of this, ever since she became a trainee, she had been bound to hit a wall one day. and that day had come and past. and now she's reeling. reeling from the shock, from the pain, from the reality check. because everything had always turned out fine, the day everything turned out wrong, she realized that she had nothing for herself. stuck in a box of her own making without any control on the events of her life. no control on the evolution of her friendships, no control on receiving love, no control on even the color and length of her hair. no, she had left all that in the hands of others.
the therapist told her to focus on the things she can control and let go of those she couldn't. and milan had decided to taking this to heart (though the woman likely didn't mean it that way). it's true, she cannot control someone into loving her, she cannot control her friendship into staying the same, she cannot control her daily schedule, she cannot even control some of her feelings, however, she can regulate herself. she can regulate how she reacts, she can regulate her mindset, she can regulate her body.
the panic rises inside of her, but she resists even as the edge of her vision darkens. not yet. she doesn't want to go up just yet.
it's not easy and slipping is expected, like earlier when she caved and ate a pack of candies. but she regulated herself after; purging and a punishing dozen of lap in the pool. control. it's all about what she can control.
finally, she pushes the bottom of the pool. her head comes out right as she's about to lose consciousness. she takes a big gulp of fresh air before concentrating on calming her beating heart and clamping down the panic. control. it's all about what she can control. and she'll do this again and again until she has a sense of control over this. a sense of control over something.
