POST TYPE: SOLO TITLE: DROWN / CONTROL
[ tw: drowning, asphyxia, self-harm, eating disorders, mental health ]
milan watches her legs swirling in the water. the public pool is so deep that she can barely see the bottom, yet she lets herself slip in and sink down. she keeps her eyes opened even if she knows they will sting later. but discomfort... no, pain, is now familiar to her. better one physical than the one she's been carrying for a while now. she watches as the surface gets further and further away. she watches others swimming above her, the ambiant sound muted by the water.
isn't this a metaphore of her current life; her watching others on the surface as she sinks in a deafening darkness, knowing that no one will jump to rescue her. she knows better than to hope that anyone would do so for her. not anymore. hope. the beginning of disappointment. there's no place for hope for someone like her.
her feet finally touch the bottom and she slowly let her breath out, slowly empties her lungs and she remains. she remains even if her body tries to raise a sense of panic in her. she has to remain.
she's always bumbled through life without much care of worry. she's always followed the whims of others and accepted to go that way or this way. and because of this, ever since she became a trainee, she had been bound to hit a wall one day. and that day had come and past. and now she's reeling. reeling from the shock, from the pain, from the reality check. because everything had always turned out fine, the day everything turned out wrong, she realized that she had nothing for herself. stuck in a box of her own making without any control on the events of her life. no control on the evolution of her friendships, no control on receiving love, no control on even the color and length of her hair. no, she had left all that in the hands of others.
the therapist told her to focus on the things she can control and let go of those she couldn't. and milan had decided to taking this to heart (though the woman likely didn't mean it that way). it's true, she cannot control someone into loving her, she cannot control her friendship into staying the same, she cannot control her daily schedule, she cannot even control some of her feelings, however, she can regulate herself. she can regulate how she reacts, she can regulate her mindset, she can regulate her body.
the panic rises inside of her, but she resists even as the edge of her vision darkens. not yet. she doesn't want to go up just yet.
it's not easy and slipping is expected, like earlier when she caved and ate a pack of candies. but she regulated herself after; purging and a punishing dozen of lap in the pool. control. it's all about what she can control.
finally, she pushes the bottom of the pool. her head comes out right as she's about to lose consciousness. she takes a big gulp of fresh air before concentrating on calming her beating heart and clamping down the panic. control. it's all about what she can control. and she'll do this again and again until she has a sense of control over this. a sense of control over something.