#arcstic

[arcstic]

on love

i feel as if i am always searching for something. what exactly i’m looking for i have yet to find out.

yet in my search, i have found you. i have built a home with you. after only months of dating. and that is a scary prospect. i look at our home, our shared space, our shared groceries, and it feels good but something keeps me on edge. i look at you, at the way you hold me, hold my cheek, call me baby, and i feel... at peace. i lean into your hand, kiss your palm, and lean into you.

i can’t help but feel spoiled endlessly. by you, by your affection, by your words, and the way that you just exist in this space with me.

some days it gets hard to exist in that space, almost too safe, almost too secure. i am looking for something else, searching for something to disrupt us, bring us closer together.

i am holding you tightly in my fist, afraid that if i let go or you let go, one of us will leave. i am afraid of leaving, of change, and of heartbreak.

when i brought that up with my therapist, he said that perhaps... that’s the uncertainty of it all. i feel uncertain about so many things and i want answers. white and black, right and wrong. definitive in a place where i am not that, where i am anything but that.

and yet, he told me that while we do not know the future, we can know that in the current moment, we exist. and we are okay. and we are happy. and that is enough.

and i lean into that now.

while i cannot profess my love out loud easily, i can say this. in the private of our own home, our little cosmic bed, i can tell you that i love you. i can tell you that i am eager to live another day with you. and until the day comes that i turn away, until the day comes that i am no longer benefitting or until you no longer benefit me, i will continue loving you fiercely.

[arcstic]

outdated

i get the feeling that no one is on tumblr anymore and that’s okay.

yesterday on the bus ride to work i thought about how much i miss writing. i miss writing and discussing my pain. i miss writing for the sake of writing and for outward validation. i miss writing and being able to keep this public private diary that no one else will see or even recognize as me.

perhaps that will because i am fond of this URL but other than that i miss... the feeling of unleashing something out into the universe and letting it settle for others to read. i feel powerful when i write about things that no one will know the larger context of.

perhaps that’s narcissistic of me to think that my writing is /that/ good. (truthfully, it probably isn’t). but i think about how much i used to write when i was younger, how much i would pour my heart out onto tumblr hoping someone would see it, like it, enjoy it, and give me the likes that gave me affirmation that i was... good at what i was doing.

i miss those days. a lot. and so i come back. to an outdated platform no one visits to write, a ghost appearing before an altar. hoping someone will notice, has noticed, me.