besties i think i am hitting a point where i am no longer able to know as much as i should
i can't understand schoolwork anymore. social stuff is harder to parse, and i think it's because i have to do school AND job AND everything else. the stuff i should be well versed in by now, like politics, doesn't make sense to me no matter how hard i try--when i go past any of the basic stuff, reading political theory just makes me feel like a fucking...hp lovecraft protagonist, i just can't picture any of it.
most of my social interactions are either scripted ahead of time or have me feeling like a text generator, putting words together with no understanding of what they mean with only a vague idea of what i'm supposed to be going for. it's easier online, i think because i only have to worry about the words and not both the words and how i'm saying them, but both irl and online i always eventually slip up despite my best efforts to do it right. i copy mannerisms and behaviors in the hope that it pleases other people, and that backfires too--i lost a close friend this year because a behavior i'd learned from 2 separate friend groups and thought was the right behavior to make was actually bad and hurt them to the point they no longer speak to me at all.
i can't understand the nuance for that stuff either, no matter how hard i try. either i did it wrong, or i did it right, and...god, everyone else just seems to know what it means. i don't. i can't, i think. i don't understand any of it.
does this come across? does anyone understand what i mean? i'm scared, i need help, i'm scared that i'll always be reliant on my parents or other people who want to hurt me, i'm scared i'll make too many mistakes and that the world will throw me away. i'm scared because i haven't sat down and drawn for months. i'm scared because i can't tell if people are gonna help me or hurt me. i'm scared because the fucking english paper i was supposed to finish last semester doesn't even have a rough draft because i can't remember how to write essays anymore. might be autistic, might've finally hit my disturbingly low ceiling of achievement, might just be fucked in the head. i may get a diagnosis for autism at least, but that takes time, and...idk if anyone will even care. or if they'll hate me for it. idk if that even makes sense. my coworker and manager and i have a betting pool on it. i learned this week it was supposed to be a joke, but they didn't laugh at me about it, so that's chill. feel really stupid about not realizing though.
anyway, i think 4 paragraphs (5 with this one) is enough. sorry for putting a long post about my issues on your dash. here's a cat for scrolling this far