#aricomplains

[arionaleilani]

hey siri, how do i stop missing my ex who isn’t really my ex because neither of us officially asked the other out but we were unofficially together for months and she knew my family and my baby siblings loved her and sometimes my little sister still asks about her and i just went through some of my snapchat memories and saw a video of her dancing with her dog and my chest physically aches right now

[arionaleilani]

and you will think, “this is what matters.”

it won’t be you, your health, your wellbeing. no. what matters will not be you. it never was before, it won’t be now, and that fact will anger you because you know all the logical reasons why you should matter to yourself but you don’t. you just don’t. you cannot think of the words to explain why this is how it is but you will know, deep within yourself, that it’s true.

you will look and you will find something that feels more. you will find a book, a song, a person, a movie, a show, a video game. you will find an object or a word or a quote. you will find something, and you will hold it to your chest, next to the people you love and the things you can’t say goodbye to, and you will say, “this is what matters.” and it will. it will feel like the only thing that matters. nothing else will compare.

this is a lie. everything matters.

(you still don’t, though. not you. never you.)

everything matters and you feel it in your chest, the weight of everything. the weight of all things, all people, all love and all fear. you will feel it. you will feel everything. it will matter.

(you will not.)

there is a lot in everything, though. it will crush you and you will let it because the only thing that isn’t part of everything is you. that should not be true but it is and you are fine with that. so long as you support the everything that you are not, then you’re okay with not being part of everything. it will hurt. you will smile through it.

smiling will make it hurt more. you will smile wider and you will not complain about the pain.

you will not complain.

[arionaleilani]

maybe...... if i keep going on tinder and her............ i will get over deeply rooted feelings and potentially form a crush on someone who might actually like me back................

[arionaleilani]