Sometimes, when the sun shines too brightly and the wind feels like a soft caress, Beatriz stops. She stares. She thinks.
She grieves.
Sometimes when she grieves, she goes to his house. She rings the bell that's placed on the counter in his lobby, and waits. She could wait there for minutes or hours; time is a tricky thing, especially after his... death.
And as always, nobody pops in to greet her. He doesn't come down to greet.
Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes it's so heavy that she can't do anything at all.
And other times, it's so heavy that she doesn't know if she wants to do anything at all.
And even sometimes, she knows what she needs to do, but grief makes her take an excruciatingly long amount of time to actually do it.
Like today, when the grief is heavy enough that she's gone to his house, but it's not heavy enough that she wants to do anything, yet, except sit in the lobby.
Serra worries, because of course she does. When she catches her sitting in the lobby of his house, or staring at the painting she made of him, she doesn't say anything. She only wraps her arms around Beatriz, and holds her.
Sometimes, Beatriz feels like she has to cry. Sometimes, she doesn't think about crying. She only realizes, when the tears fall, that she's crying.
And other times, she doesn't know how to start.
Today, she doesn't think she can cry. She sits, and stares, and doesn't say anything. She tries to make sense of it all– how did this even happen? When did things start going wrong? Was it because of her? What could she have done to change this, to prevent this, to save him?
"I miss you Pac." She whispers once to the painting. And then she's silent.
And then she cries.
So much for not crying.
And when the tears dry, and the tears stop falling, and the silence and the staring becomes too much, she finally speaks again.
"I wish you weren't so ambitious. When I met you, I thought it was a cool thing about you. All the plans you had told me while we built my house, how you wanted to become someone bigger than you, you wanted to feel a purpose. I thought it was cool." She says, softly, to the painting. "But now, I don't know if that's what killed you."
The silence stretches.
"It's what I loved about you. It's what I hated about you. It's what I'll miss most." She continues. "And it's what killed you."
Her words are not cruel. They're true.
She thinks back to that day he started covering his face. She had wondered back then if it was just a fashion statement. But then he kept pulling away, isolating himself, rarely speaking to them. She should've known. She should've been better.
She should've actually tried talking to him, instead of just sitting back and hoping Pac would find his way back to her if he needed her.
She should've stopped him. She should've saved him.
"Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can see your corpse." She says, feeling blood in her hands. "You were so broken and... and so cold. There was so much blood I... I couldn't hold you."
And then the tears fall.
"Why didn't you come to me?" She asks, feeling her heart breaking. "I could've helped."
Could she have, though? Could she really have saved him, if he didn't want to be saved?
She could've tried.
"Why didn't you let us help? Why didn't you let me help?" She asks to no one, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I thought I had your back like you had mine. That's what siblings do, right? But when you needed me, you pulled away."
And it hurts. It hurts.
"I could've saved you." She whispers. "But I didn't."
And she can't keep looking at the painting.
It hurts too much.
"Why didn't you let me help, Pac? I would've done anything to save you. Now there's this... void inside me. Milo tries to reassure us he's fine, but we know him. He's trying so hard to pretend he's fine, but we know he's not. We can see the pain. He's..." She laughs, but there's no joy in it. "He's just like you in that regard."
She takes a deep breath.
"I wish you didn't leave, Pac. I wish you could've let us help you." She says, and her voice breaks. "I wish you would've come to me for help."
A tear slides down her cheek.
She stands up and leaves.
Sometimes, when the sun shines too brightly and the wind blows with a chill, she sits in his lobby.
The rest of the especialistas want nothing to do with Gabriel (Guh).
Bia (Pac's adoptive sister) punched him, Bagi said she didnt want him anywhere near her. Bia tried to kill him but nothing could get through his armor. Dante (one of the new players) eventually found a way to kill him.
