I don’t think I could accurately describe the feeling in my chest to anyone that would ask. Happiness because I would be with my family and my brothers, dread having to restart a whole new life for myself, miserable for having to leave all my friends and my teammates behind, and eager for all of the opportunities I knew would come my way with being with my family again. But still, the sadness seemed to outweigh the happiness. And I feel selfish for that, because the whole reason I came home was for my brothers and that should put me at the bottom of the selfishness list.
From beside me, my Mom places her hand on my arm gently, obviously noticing the glum look on my face as I stared blankly out the car window. “I know you’re upset honey,” She begins, and I know she’s trying to tiptoe around her words. “But this is what you wanted. You wanted to be with Jack before he left this summer, support Luke his last few years, be able to go to Quinn’s games before he signs. And you needed this for yourself, you haven’t been the same since you and Brady broke up, are you sure you’re okay?”
My eyes close on instinct at the mention of his name. It makes me flinch, and you would think by now she would understand he wasn’t a light subject. “Mom, I’m sure. We broke up a month ago, I’m moving on. He was a jerk anyway.”
“Okay, okay,” She mumbles, finally getting onto the highway away from the airport towards our house. “The boys still don’t know that you’re home! I’m sure they’re gonna be thrilled to see you again.”
“Yeah, I hope,” I chuckle, looking out the window at the vaguely familiar landscaping that whizzes past. It was strange how New Hampshire was more of my home than Michigan and Toronto was more of a home than both of those states combined. Honestly, I’d go back to Canada in a heartbeat if I could.
In my hand, my phone starts buzzing persistently, and I recognize the ringtone everywhere. It’s my best friend, Savannah, facetiming me. I quickly answer it missing her face already, and when I do, there’s more than just one face in the frame. “Hey guys.”
“I miss you!” Is the first thing that comes out of Sav’s mouth and her lips form a pout. “Our room feels so empty without your stuff everywhere.”
“Is Mama Hughes there?” Kylie butts in, a grin on her face. I point my phone towards my mom, and instantly all my former teammates and best friends start saying their hello’s to her. “We really miss you, J. Practice wasn’t the same without our captain.”
“It was so… weird,” Savannah shudders. “Coach had to compose us all instead of you doing it. I had to lead stretches, Emerson lead some drills, it just isn’t the same. I can’t wait to see you in February, you better make it to that tournament.”
I smile at Savannah through the screen. In February we had planned to come to Michigan for a tournament, and it worked out perfectly now with me being home and being able to go. “You know that I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Hey, did you guys decide on a new captain yet?”
“Nope,” Ronnie says immediately. While a part of me is partly happy, the other feels guilty about leaving my team behind. “I don’t know if we will, honestly.”
“So, that means McKenna didn’t get the C,” I state, and the girls on my screen nod. I let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank god.”
“Hey J, wrap it up. We’re almost home,” Mom says quietly, and that’s when she turns down onto our street.
“Hey guys, gotta go. We’re home. I’ll text you all later for sure. Don’t miss me too much!” I tease, and the girls all say goodbye, leaving me to hang up. Mom pulls into the driveway of our house, and I can’t help the way my stomach twists in knots.
Mom’s hand reaches out grabbing my own. “Jordan, are you sure you’re okay?” She asks softly and I nod, moving to unbuckle myself and quickly get out of the car. “I really hope you would tell me if you weren’t.”
“I’m okay, Mom,” I reassure her, pulling my hand away from hers to get out. “I just can’t wrap my head around the fact I’m home, and home for good. I’m gonna be starting school here, actually living here for the first time.”
I had pretty much always lived in New Hampshire, having attended a private academy in Wolfeboro. We also had a lake house in the same town, so after school ended I never flew back to Michigan. My family would fly to New Hampshire for the whole summer and that was that, we’d all spend time there. There was never a need for me to be in Plymouth.
As soon as I get out of the car I can hear my brothers around the back on the outdoor rink. A smile forms on my face, and I’m suddenly itching to get out there with them. Mom and I quickly grab my numerous bags and suitcases, lugging them all inside and up to my bedroom that was like every other room in the Hughes household – covered in USA Hockey memorabilia, jerseys from throughout the years, medals from tournaments, you name it.
“Are you gonna go out there with them?” Mom asks giving me a look as she puts a few shirts in my drawers. “I can unpack for you, honey. Go with your brothers.”
I hesitate, looking at all the suitcases and bags that just needed to be unpacked. “Are you sure? I can unpack myself,” I say, but my mother urges me on. I thanked her and grab my stick and skates before making my way downstairs. Instead of going right out, I stand and watch. Alex is out there – he’d been living with us for the past two years and I absolutely adored the kid – and the boys are playing some two on two. I can’t help but smile, especially as Luke steals the puck away from Jack as if it was nothing.
No matter how bad I want to go out there, I can’t bring myself to tear my eyes away from my three brothers and the boy that was pretty much an honorary brother at this point. It didn’t hit me until now, this very moment, that I could possibly be messing up a system the boys had down pat. Instead of coming home and calming the storm, I could just be the eye of the hurricane and bringing the storm to wreak havoc on my family.
“Hey kiddo,” I hear my dad speak, so I whip around to engulf him in a hug. “We missed you, you know.”
“You saw me like two months ago,” I laugh against his chest, pulling away a brief few seconds later. “But I missed you guys too and I’m really happy to be back.”
Dad offers me a soft smile before his eyes glance from my stick and skates to outside, where the boys are still fooling around. “Are you gonna go out? I’m sure they’ve got room for one more.”
“I will in a few,” I say, looking over my shoulder at the boys.
“Honey, what ever is on your mind you need to push it away. The boys missed you, especially Jack and you know that. Don’t be so worried.”
I turn back to look at my dad. “How’d you know my mind is racing right now?”
He chuckles and pushes me on. “You’re my daughter, Jordan. And quite frankly something is always going on inside of your head. Now go out there.”
Finally I muster up the courage to go outside. The cold Michigan November wind bites at my skin, but if anything it just feels like home to me. There’s no place I’d rather be, especially if it meant I was surrounded by my family and my brothers. I know exactly the way to go to not be seen thanks to many occasions of scaring the boys, so going unspotted was fairly easily, and I make it to the dressing shack to get my skates on. Once I’m laced up I push open the door.
“Hey, you got room for one more?” I yell over the commotion of the boys laughing, and just like that it all stops and they’re all facing me.
“Jordan!” Lukey is the first one to react - he’s skating over to the boards and I hurry to meet him there. “What’re you doing here?”
I wrap my arms around my youngest brother, who even though is on skates, is now nearly a whole foot taller than me. “Hi Lukey,” I giggle into the fifteen year old who’s pretty much squeezing me to death, but I’m not complaining. Then I’m trapped in a group hug of four of my favorite boys.
“What’re you doing home? You still have half a semester left, you’re supposed to be in class right now.” Jack asks, and once they all release me I rest my arms on the top of the boards.
“Well no duh you’re home,” Luke retorts and I’m quick to shoot him a look. He puts his hands up defensively.
But Quinn is the first one to connect all the puzzle pieces. A grin forms on his face. “Wait, wait, really? You’re home-home?”
“I’m home-home,” I confirm, and the three of my brothers all exchange knowing smiles. “So sorry, Alex. Now you’ve got to deal with me too.”
Alex chuckles. “You’re never a problem, J. You know that. I’m probably just as excited as them.”
Jack then starts to hit his best friend repeatedly on the arm. “Dude, now we have to tell the guys about her. Now they get to meet her.”
My eyes light up at the mention of the NTDP boys. Sure, I had been to Jack’s games for the US program before, but I had never actually met his teammates before.
“Are you sure you want her around those boys?” Quinn asks.
“On second thought, never mind.” Jack says, but then he sticks his hand out to help me over the boys. “C’mon J. We need a goalie, Luke and Alex are kicking our asses.”
“You know, this is the one time I will ever willingly be goalie.”