#arospec experience

[our-arospec-experience]

People always talk about discovering theyre aro by like. They never have crushes, or they just pick someone and stuff and always get weorded out or whatever, but for me it was like. I honest to god thought i had a crush. I was so set on romance just being the natural order of things that i tried so hard to have romance and i thought strong love of ang kind towards a person meant romantic interest. I would get into talking stages and then realize i didnt wanna date but i thought it was just commitment issues or fear. I finally tried dating someone and it was just so wrong.

So basically, realizing i dont HAVE to be romantic has been the most liberating thing. I just wanted to share that cuz i feel like jts different

I’m glad you figured it out! I can definitely relate to your story, as I’m sure many aros can, so I’m glad you shared your experience.

[gruenesgrasoderso]

i've been thinking for a few weeks now, and it is remarkable how eye-opening the friends with benefits type of relationship i have with one of my friends is about my past relationship. because the way we are around each other is remarkably similar (to some extent) to how i was with my ex, who i was supposed to Love in this "special way" (aka. romantically) and i feel like i'm kind of realising that... yeah, i think i finally understand what she meant when she said it's sometimes like i treat her more like a friend than a girlfriend.

i'm really starting to see that now. i let her take up space and make herself at home in my head, more so than i'm letting him right now, but i didn't make her a part of my life. i didn't encourage her to take up space so she took it herself, maybe only subconsciously or maybe she knowingly "claimed space by force", but no matter what - it wasn't meant to work out.

i couldn't let her into my life the way she deserved, so she became part of my life in other ways and in doing so, ended up pushing me out of the spaces the i had build for myself when we broke up because she was friends with my friends and this so intertwined with my safe places that i couldn't handle it. i couldn't share my life with someone i was supposed to want to share my life with.

and right now, being friends with benefits feels more comfortable than my relationship did. we have been hooking up for just three months right now, but still. it feels better, more clear.

and i think a lot of it comes down to the fact that he and i have a very solid friendship to start with, and a lot of established trust, and already share our main social circle. we're not dating. we won't date any time soon. maybe never.

but i actually find myself more open to the idea of that with him than i was with my ex. because i Also have since learned that i can define what i want dating mean, together with the person i date. my ex and i went from school acquaintances to girlfriends and we... didn't date. she probably tried to get us to do stuff as dates and i didn't take the hint. but at the time i also didn't want "dates". because "dates" to me meant uncomfortable performance of romance and cliche stuff that i didn't want and that would've made me uncomfortable.

it didn't mean "intentionally spending time together, in a way that is more effort than 'hey wanna come over this weekend' and then you just chill and maybe watch a tv show". which what i know it means now.

i don't need to be cool with typical romantic gestures, but with the right person i should (and honestly Would) be willing to put in the effort to find other nice and special ways to really Show my love and appreciation for them. especially if it's important to them or they enjoy it. and make them a part of my life and find a way to build a life that i share with this someone.

it still feels unrealistic and weird and a little daunting to just... in general share my life with someone longterm/forever (because that would be the goal if i ever enter a committed relationship again). it feels so far away and scary and as if i'd be the one to mess it all up. so idk. maybe friends with benefits is fine actually. maybe i don't actually need more. plus i enjoy that i can cuddle him and be physically affectionate and just kiss him, and have him doing the same.

we've gotten asked a few times if we're dating or have labeled it any way, and it's refreshing to be able to say no and then still just kiss him and rest my head on his shoulder and have him put his arm around me.

i like it this way. and sometimes i feel like... i might like this more than i ever liked my relationship...

[our-arospec-experience]

Hi so I hope it's okay if i get something off my chest real quick, so like a week ago i took one of those little online tests but to see if a person was aro or whatever and i went in thinking "heh yeah i'll do this real quick just for the fun of it, im like 90% sure i ain't aro cause i've dated before so might as well" and i got the result of Grey-aro? Which i never heard of before so i ofc googled it (the test didn't explain it) and I laughed of course cause like i've dated a person before so i've had romantic feelings so definitely can't be that

But, when i thought about the time i dated that person, i can't tell if i dated them because i was attracted to them or if it was because i really wanted another close person to talk to? Cause when we eventually broke up (we dated for about 6 months) i wasn't all that hurt about it? I mean when they told me that they wanted to split i was a little hurt cause i thought i was losing them forever, but we still chatted just the same after (until we slowly stopped) and after like a week i didn't feel anymore pain from the breakup

And ever since then i've been really thinking about all the times i felt attracted to people, like yeah i would love to fuck them but like...nothing really else?? I mean i've always assumed i'd eventually get married to any gender (i am bi) but now idk and it's so confusing because as i've said i haven't dated much and i dont really know many people irl so i can't like really "test" i guess? whether or not i'd wanna date anybody

And another thing that confuses me is that i am an avid shipper, i love reading and writing ships and even reader inserts which is why im seriously doubting wheter or not i am grey-aro cause i've written so many reader inserts about my favorite characters that i find hot like kinda being romantic toward the reader so idk if that means i would want to date people?? I just don't know and it's hurting my brain when i really try to think it out 💀

And i don't wanna say that i am grey-aro cause i feel like i'd be faking it and i don't want people to yell at me, but i'm just so confused 😭

Sincerely, a very confused blueberry

You can identify as anything you want, and no-one should punish you for how you feel. However, if grey-aro is going to make you uncomfortable, it is entirely okay to not identify as anything in particular. You could just go on with life, and if you fall in love with someone, that's awesome, but if you don't, that's awesome too.

Arospec people can definitely ship though, and I know several arospecs who love the kind of fics you mentioned.

Again, no-one should make you feel like your identity isn't valid, whether you identify as grey-aro or not.

I hope you find peace in whatever you decide, and I'm always here if you need to get something off your chest <2

[jojos-aromantic-adventure]

sometimes when i see too much shipping content my brain just implodes due to amatonormativity (at least thats my current theory)

sharing my experience bcz i havent seen any other arospecs feel this way and yea idk i guess hoping that im not alone

[jojos-aromantic-adventure]

anti valentines day where u spend the day with a person you HATE. you write them letters about how much you hate them. you give them gifts to remind them that you hate them.