iris having a christmas party and putting mistletoe up and setting things up so that her and caitlin go under it and its supposed to be this lighthearted sweet cute thing. and caitlin just has flashbacks to her and zoom.
YESSS PLEASE YESSSS. seeing the way she reacted to her PTSD hallucination in invincible, where the first time she saw him, she didn't speak or make a sound. she barely blinked, her eyes were... literally so goddamn wide, and she looked so sweaty. the only reason cisco figured out she was having an episode was bcuz she couldn't keep it in that time, especially because the hallucinations just got closer and she couldn't tell if it was real or imagined; "i see him everywhere." and that line she said at the beginning, how she didn't think zoom was actually gonna set her free, "i thought it was a trap," so there's a part of her that knows it could still just be a trick, that he could be giving her this sense of freedom and letting her see her friends just to rip her away from them again as a punishment for betraying him with that stolen phone thing.
iris doing this just so be cute and romantic and festive, and because, hey, caitlin's implied to like plants wayyy before khione shows up so ofc cait's gonna like it !!! so she holds caitlin's hands and they're laughing while iris sneakily drags her over to the mistletoe and iris makes a sweet joke when she points out they're under it. and immediately caitlin's laughter cuts out. like, the sound dies so instantly that it's like someone pressed pause on a movie. suddenly it's not iris' fingers wrapped softly around her wrists, it's his, and it's too warm from the lightning coursing through his veins, and she can't move. but he's supposed to be dead, so this can't be real, so if she doesn't make a noise, it stays in her head and it's fine and everything's fine and she's fine.
but she just goes silent. her face drops and she's staring right above iris' head, at someone taller than iris is. and she has sensory flashbacks to that kiss. the quick and easy kiss that she happily gave him, she was the one that leaned in first, she was smiling about it afterwards, because he was supposed to be nice and real and she let herself fall for it. like she says about herself after hannibal assaults her wearing barry's face, "like anyone would be dumb enough to fall for that." for someone as clever as she is, she just let it happen (she thinks about it that way, anyway), she thinks she's "gullible" as her doppelganger calls it. she feels his mouth on hers and she can't breathe. iris' eyes are such a gorgeous, deep, dark brown... and in caitlin's head, that beautiful darkness flashes to be all-encompassing, cruel, black mirrors.
so iris doesn't even know what's happening. one moment her girlfriend's giggling in her ear with her hands all over, the next her girlfriend has goosebumps everywhere and is holding in her breath and she can't stop shaking and she just... isn't with iris anymore, mentally. iris is v intuitive as a person, so i think she'd clock the episode pretty quickly? maybe the worst part is that caitlin doesn't take her hands back. iris feels caitlin's fingers go limp and cold between her own fingers, but caitlin doesn't expect iris to... stop touching. to let her let go.
and maybe instinctively, from the sensory flashbacks, caitlin presses her lips together like she's still expecting iris to kiss her anyway. that's the worst part, actually. that caitlin doesn't want to acknowledge she's only halfway there and she still thinks iris must want to do this anyway and it doesn't matter how caitlin feels because it never mattered with zoom, or with bates. maybe she deserves it for being stupid enough to fall for their acts, even. she gladly kissed the man that would later hold her hostage for weeks and kill her friend's father and try to kill her and all her friends and take over her world and killed another version of herself and another version of the love of her life and kept some of her friends hostage, too, and forced his agents to choose between working for him or dying at his hands and, and, and. so it's pay-back, simple cause and effect, that's fine. it's fine. she doesn't want to be a bother, so just get it over with. she can even kiss back, if iris wants.
obviously iris is Not Like That, and caitlin knows that, sure, but that doesn't really matter when it comes to flashbacks, especially if it includes emotional flashbacking.
iris knows caitlin doesn't like it when her trauma is out in the open like this, so iris pulls her away from the party and caitlin still can't talk. but they're moderately alone now, at least in a different room, listening to the party still going on and their family laughing. they're alone now, just like caitlin was with him when he chained her up. iris tries to get her to sit down, but all caitlin hears is the metal rustling and all she expects to happen is to feel the click of those chains locking against her skin and she hates how warm iris feels and the way she sees his eyes in iris' so she closes her own. that's what you're supposed to do when you're kissing someone, right? she's still kinda expecting iris to just. do it already.
iris doesn't sit next to her. instead, iris moves to the other side of the room and sits down on the floor and just. waits it out with her. talks to, or, rather, talks at her about things they like. iris' most recent article, a terrible pun cisco made an hour ago, the time iris and barry were so excited for christmas as kids that they fell down the stairs and had to spend christmas morning in the ER with a very exasperated joe, the bugs caitlin saved as a child from getting stepped on because she so strongly believed in doing no harm even back then, favorite holiday movies, which of santa's reindeer has the coolest name.
pretty soon, iris' pretty, gentle, quiet voice is louder in caitlin's ears than the phantom chains are. with every word iris says, caitlin can breathe again. she even manages out a few whimpery laughs at iris' stories. she can open her eyes and the world around her isn't blurry or split in two anymore. she didn't even know she was crying until she's sniffling.
iris gets up and goes to dry her tears with her thumb, but caitlin's breathing hitches when they almost touch and iris quickly takes a step back again. caitlin grabs her hand before iris can take it back herself, pressing iris' palm into the side of her face. caitlin just starts whispering messy, watery apologies into iris' hand and it breaks iris' heart.
"i ruined the party-" "nothing's ruined, everyone's still having fun-" "i'm sorry, i-i'm sorry-" "you don't have to-" "it was nice, the m-mistletoe was-" "i didn't know, i'm the one that should be sorry-" "no, no, stop, i'm supposed to be-" "don't talk about yourself like that, no one would be fine after that, i'm so sorry-" "no, you're being too nice, i made the party all about me and i'm sorry-"
so they just become this mess of teary-eyed apologies, even though both keeps telling the other that there's nothing to apologize for and no one's mad. at least they agree on that. iris hesitates to get closer to her, but caitlin pulls her into her bubble and melts against iris. it's grounding. it helps her remember where/when/who she is. iris hugs her tight.
they fix each other's hair and makeup, laughing with their hands all over each other like nothing happened. when they go back to the main party, they're still holding hands. they don't kiss under the mistletoe- in fact, it curiously disappears after iris whispers something to barry- but they do kiss later, when the party's quieted down to binging festive old movies and caitlin's making hot cocoa in the kitchen while iris looks pretty beside her because iris is very banned from using stovetops. iris tastes like lukewarm, sugary marshmallows and that's really the only thing that matters to her anymore.
