So it's nearing the end of ace week, and although I've celebrated, I haven't been successful in making the post I've wanted to make, despite a number of attempts. So instead, I'm just going to do this quick and dirty, unedited style.
Aspec allies, I need you to understand something very important: asexuals and aromatics are capable of consent, even if it feels "weird" to you.
Let me elaborate.
Disclaimer: I'm speaking exclusively on my ace allorom experience, as that's what I know best.
One of my ex's, while mostly great, had a really big hang up about consent. Namely, they never fully believed I was truly consenting to any and every act of physical affection. Despite numerous conversations where I swore up, down, and sideways that I would tell them if I wasn't comfortable, multiple attempts to find ways I could alleviate their concerns, and countless attempts to explain my experiences to help them see my perspective, they just couldn't get behind it. Part of them always felt like they were in some way taking advantage of me or pressuring me.
It felt...really uncomfortable. I'm an adult. I have full agency over my body and my choices concerning it. I'm fully capable of knowing where my own boundaries are, and it's my job to communicate them. It's my partner's job to trust that I'm being truthful.
So to constantly feel like I'm being babied, or that my word isn't enough to prove that I'm not lying about my boundaries, or that I somehow need special treatment around physical affection solely because I'm asexual, it felt like I was having my autonomy taken from me, in a way. Despite what I was saying, they still believed I couldn't possibly *really* be comfortable with what I was agreeing to (even things as innocent as kissing).
After we broke up, it really messed me up for a while, thinking that I somehow hadn't communicated well enough, or, worse, that I made them uncomfortable just by being who I am. And that right there is a terrible feeling, but it's essentially what happened - my asexuality made them uncomfortable. And rather than unpacking that and working on it, they continued to put these insecurities on me and expect me to repeatedly comfort them and more or less apologize for my sexuality. At least, that's how it felt.
Don't do this. It's exhausting to constantly have this weight on you that your partner feels like predatory just for being with you, and it's exhausting constantly having to come up with ways to explain our experiences in ways that we hope will make sense.
It's fine to talk about it, but please, put in the effort and do the work to unpack your hang-ups and misconceptions.
We're adults. Whole, autonomous adults. We can set boundaries and give consent, and we have a right to be able to do so. Let us have that autonomy. If you wouldn't be this hung up on your non-asexual partner's ability to give consent, don't be about ours. Just because our experiences are different doesn't change our ability to give (and revoke) consent.