I'm honestly not very sure what to feel about vday this year. Kind of like I'm grateful that i have the time to do the things i need to do ( the usual hustle and bustle way of life?) but yet at the same time alot of things are running through my head. Much more than i would have liked.
I guess sometimes i cant help but think whether the reason why I'm not seeing anyone is cause of me. Whether it's because i seem to give off vibes that I'm not interested or whether i don't know how to express myself. I guess my actions/reactions can be a major turn off sometimes. Recently i started reading "40 days of dating" which i feel like in many ways i can relate to the guy Tim. In a sense, i might have commitment issues, which i really have no idea where it stems from. Maybe it's because i don't like to appear vulnerable to anyone, or i don't know how to let myself be. Like i really don't know how to. I don't like to feel weak in front of people, or affect them with any negative energy, afterall, everyone has their fair share of problems. I always think, why show weakness when you can radiate strength, and why be negative when you can be a source of light. It's not like i haven't tried to be vulnerable, but maybe it shows that i didn't try hard enough. Undeniably, sometimes i do feel like its nice to have that someone special in your life.
I still think that Valentine's is one the most beautiful occasions though~ Isn't it amazing how two people can come to like each other and become attached? i always feel like it takes a lot on both sides. In the first place, the fact that that both parties must be attracted to each other or feel a connection between them is already so hard to fulfil. Growing older, i realised that to find something so mutual/ almost-mutual is quite difficult. That is on top of it being the "right place, right time, right moment" for all to fall into place. So i think relationships are a beautiful thing since it takes a lot of affinity. Which is also why i feel so goddamned happy for my friends whenever they get attached :) It's something i truly wish for all my amazing friends, who deserve the best out of the best and someone that they can connect on a deeper level to. And while i haven't gotten the chance to experience something like that yet, i wish for my sake and all the beautiful single people out there to be given a shot at love :)
