Blurb: As an accomplished song-writer in Los Angeles, you've survived a lot of things: asshole landlords, cut-throat industry workers, your addictions. You're used to coming out on the other side stronger and in more control than before. But when it comes to surviving Ashton Irwin, you're not certain you've got control at all.
Warnings: extensive talk of addiction and overdose, hard substances; sober!reader; toxic relationship; smut: unprotected p in v, slight degradation, toxic sex, fingering; sexualization of drug use; angst, deception, language, relationship abuse/violence allusion, toxic reader/ashton, michael clifford experiencing emotional damage; yearning
Note: Thank you for being patient on this part. I fear the last week has been a week from the Fic Writer's curse. Thank you for all the love and support. I'm excited for where this chapter takes us. And I promise, no cliff-hangers on this one haha.
Ashton's way of kissing is just like him: intense, heated, addictive, has a way of taking you further than you should ever go.
The move of his mouth against yours is an immediate head rush. Your brain fully consumed with no thoughts but the way he feels against your lips, how he slips his tongue behind your teeth. The itch in your fingers is gone, the craving for something destructive satisfied by a man you should not ever want kissing you, his hands not hesitating to go to your ass and squeezing. A moan builds from the center of you, threatening to move into your throat and spill into Ashton's own mouth, but you keep it at bay.
He still tastes like cigarettes and alcohol when he licks into you; it sends a current into your stomach, to your core. To the empty cage there. It's dancing along a live-wire, tasting but not consuming.
"See?" Ashton nearly purrs in the brief disconnect from his mouth to your neck. "So much less of a problem when you have my hands on you."
Your groan bleeds out in irritation and arousal when Ashton moves from the shell of your ear and places an open-mouthed kiss to your neck, dragging his teeth against the skin. Your stomach clenches with want, with that insatiable need you've had most of the time you've known Ashton. Your hips raise forward, for friction, for him, for something to make this self annihilation worth it.
You drag your heat against him, feeling the pressure of his hardening cock.
Ashton laughs, dark, critical, desirous.
"You want it so fucking bad already don't you?"
But his words don't stop him from leaning his hips into yours, to his hand moving to your throat, the other remaining firm on your ass, pulling you closer into him. The sensation of his grip around you, the fingertips pressing just enough for the slightest reprieve of oxygen, the rush, just enough to show you he could be the one to take you if you tried to fight: it reminds you of everything wrong with you.
You feel your arousal between your thighs, demanding to be resolved.
"Stop running your mouth and just fuck me before I change my mind." You attempt to be harsh, but it comes out without real bite. You both know what you want. He can feel it. Your pulse thrums under his palm.
A smile spreads across Ashton's face, one you haven't seen in years. The one that always appeared when he knew you were ready to play. His mouth meets yours again, almost all teeth as he unbuttons your jeans. He pushes them down your thighs together with your underwear and uses his weight to spin you, pressing you into the wall.
A pained moan slips from you when his finger pushes into your cunt without preamble, the sensation of his thick digit spreading you open with ease.
Ashton is at your neck, hot breath fanning over you.
"So fucking soaked. I almost forgot about how wet you get from just being a brat."
You go to open your mouth, to retaliate, but his second finger joins the first and curls up inside you. You yelp in the pleasure at the callous and flex of his fingers, at the way the shame and rage burns together into desire.
"Can you just--" you start, but don't finish, because Ashton replaces his fingers by pushing the head of his cock into you. The words catch in your throat as you stretch around him, the familar yet foreign burn overwhelming you.
"Holy fuck," you whine, your knees threatening to buckle.
"Goddamn," Ashton groans, his arm going around your waist to steady you. He doesn't move, doesn't thrust and it makes the flare burning within you blaze. "Fuck, how do you feel even better than before?"
"Move," you breathe, ignoring the praise. "Please fucking move."
And Ashton doesn't need anymore encouragement. His hips snap into you, sending him so deep almost instantly that you whinge. It only spurs him on, the way you immediately become pliant. How your cunt molds around him like you never unlearned him. Like your body was always waiting.
"Is this what you needed?" he breathes into your ear as he pounds into you. "You needed me to fuck you like this again?"
You yelp at a particularly harsh thrust, but the pain of it sends you into a haze. Into the place of delirium fucking Ashton always sent you.
"Just needed to feel me deep huh?" he continues.
Your legs stutter at his words, at him stretching you, at the wet sound of you taking Ashton bare.
"Because this is what I needed," he groans. "I needed this pussy. Your mouth. Those fucking bratty eyes, I needed--"
He's stopped by the sound of the door to the room opening, a sharp intake of breath. You freeze, but Ashton manages to pull out of you and snatch your pants up around your waist in one go.
When you turn, Michael stands in the doorway, a horrified look on his face.
He stares between you and Ashton long enough for you to see the shock morph into something sadder, deeper, disappointed.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"Michael," you begin, coming down quickly from whatever stupor your brain was in only moments before, from the emotional high the presence of Ashton seems to always send you into.
Michael shakes his head, backs from the door.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles, but you're not sure to who. Certainly not to you, to himself maybe. Then he closes the door.
Ashton is still silent, stupefied.
"Move, Ashton," you say, going to push past him.
His arm goes out to you, wraps around your wrist. You take a deep inhale, steady yourself. The feeling of shame swells up inside you, but it doesn't feel how it did with Ashton before. It doesn't fuel you. Doesn't goad the monster inside of you to act. The one who's maybe not a monster at all.
"You should wait," Ashton says.
"No. I've done that before," you respond, fastening your pants and brushing back your hair. "I probably just fucked up everything."
Ashton looks over your face, releases his grip on you.
"Not everything."
And it's the closest confession you've ever gotten from Ashton Irwin, but you push past him anyway, step into the hallway in search of Michael and hope that you didn't just destroy your relationship with the one person who's always been in your corner.
*****
You can't find Michael anywhere in the house. When you get to the last room, a bedroom in the back right corner of the third floor, you find double doors that you assume lead out to a balcony of some sort.
You push it open slowly, peer your head outside. It's dark out, but lights strung up along the bannister illuminate the wood-planked balcony. You see Michael there, sitting in one of the chairs. The cigarette in his hand catches you off guard. You decide to push the door open further, to step out there with him.
When he hears the creak of the hinges, Michael turns his head. His eyes are red, but there's not the emotion in them as usual. No anxiety even, just a dullness despite the green of his irises.
"Can I come out here with you?" you ask.
Michael sighs in irritation and takes a drag of the cigarette. It looks strange watching the smoke unfurl from his mouth.
"You're going to do what you want to do anyway, right?"
Ouch. But you know you deserved that, so you move onto the porch and lean against the bannister, not daring to sit in the chair beside him.
"I'm sorry," you say.
"For what?" Michael says, and it's sharper than you've ever heard him. "For me walking in on you and Ashton fucking?"
"We didn't mean--"
"I'm going to stop you there," Michael says. He looks up to you from his position in the chair. Instantly, you don't want the eye contact. You don't want your friend looking at you the way he is. "If you're going to be caught up on excuses, we're not having this conversation."
It's your turn to sigh and you nod. He's right. Had he not walked in, you absolutely would have fucked Ashton even more than once tonight.
"Okay," you say. "I'm still sorry you had to see that."
"No, I'm sorry," Michael says. "I obviously was trying to save you from a situation you didn't want to be saved from and that's my fault."
"You don't need to save me from anything. I'm an adult."
Michael scoffs. It's dry and cutting, somehow more-so than anything Ashton has spit toward you.
"An adult who immediately went to fuck the man that almost killed her. Right."
You know it shouldn't, but the slightest bit of irritation swells within you. You do your best to tamp it down, to reach for the mantra you've held onto so religiously the last few years, but it's nowhere to be found.
"It's not like I came here planning to fuck him, Mike," you say. "I hate him and he hates me, but--"
"But you love to hurt yourself more," Michael finishes for you.
He takes a long inhale from the cigarette and all you can do is stand there. There's no argument to that. It's true. The deepest part of you knows it.
"It's my fault for thinking that the self-destruction was because of Ashton," Michael says, continuing. "But that just you. That's what you do. You love creating safety and then tearing it down when it gets boring."
You feel the layers of meaning beneath his words, sense it there.
"What are you talking about?"
"Do you not remember that you and I full on made out the night before you and Ash hooked up, or is that something else you like to ignore?"
That of all things you weren't expecting. And truthfully, it was something you hadn't remembered, or at least didn't let yourself remember. Not because Michael wasn't interesting, but rather, that night between you two you thought both of you had deemed an accident.
It was after one of the sessions at the studio, one of the last ones before you all decided to leave for your writing retreat. All the boys had left already, you and Michael had stayed, incessantly working to finish the song the group started that night.
But somehow the conversation had turned from the music into your personal lives. He told you about his last ex, how she had criticized his smile and his thin lips.
You told him you thought she was being cruel, that he had a nice smile and even nicer lips.
Now, you can't even fully remember who made the first move. You only remember that Michael looked at your mouth and you looked at his. Then you were kissing, a gentle heat of tongues and teeth and hands that wandered but never strayed. You briefly recall the way Michael had moaned into your mouth and it scared you. The way your heart had fluttered at the sound.
You pulled away instantly. Jumped off the couch and positioned yourself on the other side of the room.
"I'm so sorry," you said. "I shouldn't have--"
"No, I'm sorry. That was very--"
"That was a mistake," you finished. "We're working together and this would be complicated and we should just forget it happened."
And in the moment, you didn't process the way Michael's face had fallen, just for a second, a flash suggesting there was something more there, before he plastered on a nervous smile.
"You're right. Let's forget it happened."
And you apparently had stuck to the agreement way too well. Michael hadn't though. You feel doubly stupid than before. You feel like an idiot. You feel cruel.
"Michael," you say.
"I was fine being your friend, (Y/N.) I had no issue. Even when two days later it was all over both of your faces that you and Ash had fucked. Then the way you tried to sneak that you were together. I was fine with playing stupid because it hurt less than telling myself that I wasn't worth complicating things over but Ashton was."
"That wasn't why I did that," you say, not trying to defend yourself but rather wanting him to know the truth. To know that it wasn't because of his lack of anything.
"I know," he says. "I wouldn't have put you through what Ash did. You needed that. You needed danger, risk, something that hurt. Someone who would have just been there wouldn't have been enough. Even when I was the one who found you, who made sure you were okay after, even when Ashton was gone, it wouldn't have been enough."
Michael extinguishes his cigarette in the ash tray.
"And I thought you were better. I truly believed that your life without Ashton is what you needed. That sobriety would fix it all. That was my fault. I learned my lesson tonight."
You know you shouldn't try to defend yourself, shouldn't try to clarify anything. But because you're an idiot scrambling to uphold the altar you've worked so hard to build, you do.
"I am better than I was, Michael. I'm not addicted to anything anymore. That's got to count for something."
Michael looks at you and his stare is vacant.
"Are you sure about that?"
"I'm sober," you say nodding. From that you've not strayed at all.
Michael watches you, his eyes roving over you, the disconnect evident in them. His mind is reeling, but he's not feeling right now, not letting himself.
You hate that you've done this to him.
"I had to ask myself why I kept dating shitty people," Michael begins. "I wondered why they all turned out bad. Then I had to really look and see that I was the common denominator. The relationships weren't the problem, it was me." He pauses for a moment. You catch his eyes linger on your mouth. "It is me."
You feel your eyebrows pull together in confusion. Michael answers before you can ask for clarification.
"Maybe the drugs aren't the problem for you either."
You don't say anything to that. Just watch as he stands, pushes away from the chair and walks back into the house. He leaves you outside.
You stand still, alone, the cage inside of you wide open.
The monster doesn't go back inside, doesn't lock the door. Maybe there was no monster in the first place.
For the first time in a long time, you cry.
*****
When you go back inside the house, you feel like a shell of a human. Your face is red from crying you know, it has to be. The house is quiet. So you go to your room.
You're surprised to find Ashton there.
He sits on your bed, looking more sober than he was before. There's an air of sadness to him that you haven't witnessed in years. You hate it. You hate how it turns you on. Despise how your body reacts to things that are bad for you and others.
You really are the monster.
"Hey," he says. "Are you okay?"
"Does it matter?" you ask, your tone detached, cold.
His face contorts into a look of concern.
"Of course it does."
You exhale. Too tired to fight. With Ashton. With yourself. With your desires.
"Why are you here? We've both caused nothing but harm tonight with each other. I just want to go to bed, Ashton. I'm exhausted."
Ashton observes you, your face, the slight hunch of your shoulders and the tender red skin beneath your eyes. He takes a few steps toward you.
"What are you doing?" you ask, not moving.
"I'm tired of hurting you," he begins. "I'm tired of hurting us both. Of hurting who we love."
His thumb grazes your skin, brushes beneath your eye at the tears there that haven't dried. You detest the shivers it sends flying across your arms and legs. At the way your body screams for more. His gaze lingers on you.
"Then let's be done," you say.
Ashton nods, pulls away his hand from your face. Takes a step back.
"That's better for everyone. Better for us right?"
You nod and act like you don't catch the uptake at the end of his question. The one that suggests he wants to be corrected.
"We don't know how to be good, Ashton. Never did."
Ashton watches you and you can see the thoughts turning in his head, the arguments he wants to make, the way he talks himself out of it. His eyes go back to the necklace around your neck, the way he pounded into you before loosing it from its place within your blouse.
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
"I am too," you say.
Ashton stands there briefly, nods, whispers a quick, "Goodnight," before dismissing himself from the room.
When he leaves, you stare after the space Ashton stood only moments before.
You really are sorry. For a lot of things. Sorry to yourself, to Michael, to Ashton.
Sorry that even after hurting Michael, even after your conversation, the deepest part of you wonders how bad it would be if you called Ashton back into your room.
You shake your head.
I am in control of my reactions to my emotions, they do not control me.
You lock your bedroom door. You turn off the lights.
Summary: Based on the songs Happier than Ever by Billie Eilish and Stay by Post Malone. pt 2 of YOYOK. You go back to L.A and old friends open old wounds
Warnings: ANGST. This is very, very based on my own experience so this is my therapy session with you guys, sorry. Mentions of abuse, death, melancholia, psychological abuse, sad times, curse words. And grammar errors (I didn't even check twice, I'm sorry)
Word Count: 8.7 k
Author's Note: Hey, I'm back because I've missed you and I needed to get this fit out of my chest and survive it. Please, if you like it reblog it and comment, I love to know your thoughts. SUPPORT YOUR WRITERS THAT WE'RE GETTING FEWER AND FEWER HERE. Thank you. Hope you like it and happy reading
YOYOK / Masterlist
“Hey,… I know it’s been a long time since we last saw each other. I’ve heard the new album is coming along great, I’m so happy for you. You… You seem happy, or at least that’s what I can see on social media. I just- I heard you were coming back home- I mean, L.A for some time and well, I was wondering if we could catch up? If you don’t have a place to stay maybe you could crash into mine, like the old times. But you probably already… Anyhow, just call me or text me if you want to. I would really love to-”
When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever
Wish I could explain it better
I wish it wasn't true
You love the feeling of being above the clouds. So close to the sky that you marveled on the technological advances that allowed you to feel free.
“Mom, look!” You thought “I’m in the clouds, so high above. Is this the feeling you were always dreaming about?”
A pang of nostalgia stabbed your heart, wishing your mom could be there with you experiencing all of this. But she was back at home, safe and sound on the surface. You knew it was for the best, that you could miss her a little bit more before your heart begged you to go and visit, even when your mind knew better than to believe those rose colored glasses of memory.
Was it the feeling of familiarity that made you feel safe even when it hurt? Maybe. Still, you wish you could’ve shown the world to her, give her everything on a silver platter and say “Mom, I did it. I can take care of you now”
What would she say?
You know she’s proud and she’s thankful for everything you’ve done for her. Still, it doesn’t feel like enough. Her eyes just won’t shine the same way; her smile would change; and the hug won’t ever feel as comforting as you’d expected. Your heart would tell you that she loves you, but your mind would always go back to those moments where you doubted it could ever be unconditional. So you’ve learned to miss her a little bit longer each time. Longer until you learn to miss her for the rest of your life.
It was not a foreign feeling, but it was one that you learned to feel and apply to your life. With time you’ve known the patterns, you’ve learned to grow and let go because that’s not the energy you need to spend even a bit of your mind over. You could miss the happy moments but know that they don’t fit anywhere with the person you want to be most. For your own good, you needed to learn how to let go.
The path was not easy - having to teach your heart not to bleed itself dry for the memory of past times. All the tears and the hurt, it was all part of healing what other people broke. So, the beauty of the cracks made you see just how worthy you are. Even if sometimes the water leaks and your mind starts a whirlwind of doubt, you would never come back to the person you used to be when the people that you loved most didn’t love you as you deserved.
Since then, you found yourself thriving. Not only in your career as a musician, with your lyrics that resonated with a lot of people and even made you gain a considerable number of new fans; but, also with yourself. You started loving more freely, more authentically. you saw yourself in a better light and wished people from your past could see just how much better you are without them. Not to be mean or to gloat, but for them to know that you didn’t cave, that life was meant to be lived and you will be doing just that even if they’re not part of it anymore. You wanted them to be happy for you, just as happy as you are for them.
Still, it scared you to go back to L.A, a place that has seen you at your worst and was the cause of your declining mental health. Even if it was for a short period of time, you knew you couldn’t stay there. Your place, the place that you belong was somewhere across the sea; far from anything and anyone that could make you feel like you once did. Like you didn’t matter.
Yet, no process of healing is ever complete until the cycle of hurt is broken. There were some things in your chest that begged for you to say them. Now it was time to let them out. And, if you were honest, a tiny bit of curiosity tied itself to that feeling. There were just too many unanswered questions still left hanging in thin air. The problem was that you didn’t know if you’d like the answers.
“Hey, Y/N” Your agent called your attention as she sat next to you “I need to confirm the last dates for your airbnb, are you sure you want to shorten your stay?”
You smiled softly at her “Yeah, I will be staying with some friends after”
“Okay, but are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. There’s a lot of things we need to catch up”
Every time we make-up, the truth is fading'
Everybody's blind when the view's amazing'
It was weird to feel foreign in a place that helped shape you into the person you are now. But, then again, L.A never felt like home. Australia didn’t either, even though that’s what you’ve been saying in all the interviews when they asked what’d you miss more from home. “My family, the sweets, my friends, the sun…” But the sun did shine in other places; your family, you realized, never made any difference; the sweets could be ordered online; and your friends… Your friends changed. In the end, home never felt like home because you could create it everywhere you’d go.
There just places you’ve been. Home is something else, something you haven’t found yet.
Still, if you had to admit something is that the sun in L.A shines differently than in other places. It always seemed like you were entering a strange dimension, always playing “Something about the sunshine” on loop inside your mind.
You’ve been there a month and so. Enough time to have meetings and writing retreats that lasted a weekend. You’ve been to social required events, just as you do every couple of months to show your agency that you do know just how lucky you are. You’ve been to concerts, gave concerts, left concerts early to go and drink some wine curled up with a book in your bathtub in the hotel room. A small holiday mixed with a little bit of work, you’d say.
But you were leaving in a week, and there are still some things left on the schedule.
You sighed as you grabbed your bag from the sidewalk. The driver was kind enough to offer his assistance, but you would much rather face this by yourself first. During the drive you’ve imagined what it would feel like. Seeing him again. You wondered if your heart was beating faster than usual because of excitement or anxiety. In all honesty you didn’t know what to expect or even if you should be expecting something out of this experience.
Yet, you made up your mind to try and heal this. Get the answers that you longed for and be able to move on completely free. So, once the car drove away, you walked up to the door you’ve only seen in pictures before, and rang the bell.
For a moment you wondered if he remembered. Hoping that, in the end, his proposal of having you as his guest wasn’t just a passing comment he made. After all, you didn’t know when you’ll be back in the city or if your schedule would ever be as free in L.A as it is now. And even if he forgot and didn’t expect you, well, you can’t say you’d be surprised. Thank goodness for back-up plans.
“Coming!” You heard moments before the door opened, barely giving you time to prepare.
There he was. His hair was longer, somewhat a few tones lighter than the last time you saw him. His eyes took a couple of blinks to recognize you, changing the gleam in that hazel color you used to share so many secrets with. He smiled at you, the ghost of a laugh hidden in the dimples you used to poke at lunchtime, claiming that it wasn’t fair that he got to be the pretty one of the two of you. And for a moment, the man standing in front of you was the same kid you met all those years back, and you couldn’t help but smile back.
“Hey!” Ashton sang with a laugh, stepping closer into your space and hugging you with one arm as the other took your bag out of your hands “I’m so glad to see you! It’s been so long”
“Yeah,” You softly said, pulling back just enough to analyze his face “Thanks for the invite, Ash”
“Of course! I know you’re not a big fan of hotels anyway and, you know, it’s good to have you back. You’re always welcome to stay here when you’re in town”
He opened his arm toward the door and invited you in. You tried not to think about the fact that this was the first time you stepped foot into his house ever since he moved to L.A. He invited you before when you first moved, but schedules were complicated back then and after a while he stopped offering.
It was hard to think that once you used to live at his house back in Australia. Always trying to escape whatever nonsense was happening over at yours. At some point, you lost count how many times you ended up napping on his bed while he played some dumb internet game on his computer or watched a really dumb movie because “You don’t understand, Y/N, Seth Rogen is a genius” And you didn’t understand because even then you thought Seth Rogen was a creep, but it didn’t matter. You were in your safe space. You were with him. And he probably didn’t even know just how much that meant to you.
Now as you look around, you couldn’t help but search for that same feeling. A sign telling you it’ll be okay.
“Sorry, I know the living room is a little messy”
You turned to watch him look around the place with a slight blush on his cheeks. You smiled kindly at him.
“It’s okay, I’m not one to talk either” You turned back to the room “This place… suits you. It’s a lot like I imagined. Very artsy, very you”
He looked at you confused for a while “Yeah, I haven’t changed it much since -” He caught himself before he could continue and tried to cover his realization with a cough “No, yeah. Thanks! Come, your room is over here”
Once he settled your bag on the bed you went and sat next to it. Silence falling over the two of you as he stood awkwardly at the door.
“I hope everything is-”
“Everything is lovely, Ash” You smiled “Thank you”
He nodded and looked away. Hands hid inside of his pockets as he thought of the right thing to say. But nothing seemed to come to mind.
Suddenly, you felt out of place. Incredibly conscious that maybe you were an inconvenience now that you were there. Maybe, after all, he didn't want you there. You wanted to take this chance to meet him and talk, knowing you couldn’t just pretend that the years of separation and the strangeness you now felt toward each other didn’t exist. Yet, judging by his stand, there might not be a chance to bring those old moments back.
“So, how long are you staying in L.A for?” He asked. And he must’ve seen the way your face fell in disappointment for he quickly followed by saying “Not that I’m not happy that you’re here, of course, I invited you. Just wondering because that bag is just-”
“Oh. Yeah, no. My other bags are still at the hotel”
“The hotel?”
“Yeah, I just asked my team if I could leave them there since we leave in a week and I don’t need much to get by while I’m here and so…”
“Wait,” Ashton shook his head “You’ve been in L.A for a while now?”
“A month or so”
“And you didn’t tell me? Y/N, I offered you a place to stay for a reason”
You frowned “Ash, I did tell you. Last time we texted to see when I was arriving, I told you I was already here”
“No, you said-” He protested as he took out his phone and you watched him scroll down to your conversation. His words got caught up once he read those messages again “I- I though-”
“I have been incredibly busy these past few days, hence why I didn’t want to inconvenience you with my crazy schedule and all. This last week is all I have to relax and so I thought that we could catch up this week before I leave?”
“No, no, no yeah, you’re totally right.” He said, running a hand through his face, embarrassedly “I’m just an idiot”
You looked at him quizzically.
“Everything okay, Ash?”
“I thought we had more time, that’s all” He smiled softly at you “Anyway, ready for tonight?”
“Tonight?” You asked, a small smile forming in your face.
“Yeah! I’m taking you to dinner to celebrate your new album!”
Ashton started to dance awkwardly, making you laugh as you shook your head at him.
“You really don’t have to do that, you know?”
“I want to!” He said “You’ll see, just be ready by seven”
He clapped his hands and left the room. A warm feeling spread through your chest on the fact that he wanted to celebrate you and your success. It finally felt like he cared, like he hasn’t forgotten about you. This really was a chance to put all bad things in the past and start anew.
Or at least, that’s what you hoped.
You scared me to death, but I'm wasting my breath
'Cause you only listen to your fucking friends
Fuck off and pour another drink
And tell me what you think
You know that I'm too drunk to talk right now
You knocked on his door at fifteen past seven. You decided to wear your favorite light blue top with black, wide leg pants and some low heels. You didn’t really know where he was supposed to take you or how you should dress, so you went with the most comfortable but chic thing you could find given that you didn’t plan to go out as much.
When Ashton opened his door you took a step back to look at him. He was wearing jeans and a wide, white shirt. You could feel your cheeks blush, and had to look down to hide it. It was an awful familiar feeling that you thought you could leave behind knowing that it was extremely pointless to feel the way you once did.
And just like all those years back, he didn’t notice. But for the first time you were glad he didn’t.
“Sorry I made you wait” He said with a smile, closing the door behind him.
“It’s okay,” You said, looking up with a shy smile.
Ashton walked past you to grab his keys, the path he created with his cologne left you dumbfounded for a minute. It was a different smell, one that you weren’t familiar with.
“Why do you have so many colognes?” You asked him once, walking over to his small desk while he wrote what was left of his assignment.
Ashton looked up and chuckled when he saw you puffing them into the air to smell them and making faces at each one “They’re mostly presents from my family. I think my aunts were trying to tell me something last year”
“Well, at least they have good taste” You said, trying on the one that had a clear, almost orangy color bottle “Yeah, I’m taking this one home”
“No the hell you’re not!” He got up and took the bottle away from you, raising his arm over his head so that you couldn't catch it. It was his favorite pastime to remind you just how short you were back then “This is my favorite one!”
“You never use it!”
“I will!”
After a couple more tries to grab it from his hands you saw yourself surrender and falling onto his bed again “If you don’t wear it at least five times a week, I’ll take it”
“Deal” He said with a smile, throwing one of his hoodies at you from the floor “And then you will hate it so much because it’ll remind you too much of me that you won’t even want it afterward”
You never told him that it would be the opposite.
Next thing you know, Ashton has parked and was getting out of the car. You looked around and you were surrounded by nice streets and expensive houses. You opened the door and looked over at Ashton who was nodding his head toward one of the houses.
“C’mon” He said with a smile.
“Where are we? Is this a new restaurant I haven’t heard about or…?”
“What? No,” He chuckled, ringing the doorbell “Is my friend Andrew’s home. He invited us over for dinner to celebrate that he came back from tour as well”
You were at a loss for words, “He invited us?”
“Yeah, I told him you were coming. Why, what’s wrong?”
A lot. You wanted to tell him. A lot was wrong. How could he not see what he was doing? If he had told you that you were just going to a friend’s house then you wouldn’t have looked so out of place, or feel like a fish out of water. You didn’t know who this Andrew was, you didn’t even know if Ash had actually told them that you were coming or if you’re just going to turn up at this reunion/party for his friend. He said it was to celebrate you.
But before you could voice your concerns to him, the door opened and a guy with a big mop of hair jumped in to hug him.
“Dude! I’m so happy you could make it!” He - Andrew, apparently - smiled widely at Ash, chatting with him for a minute before he noticed you standing beside him “Oh, hi!”
“Hi,” You smiled shyly, extending your hand in greeting knowing Ashton was not going to introduce you judging by the face he just made, seemingly embarrassed of that fact “I’m Y/N”
“Of course!” Said Andrew, shaking your hand and pulling you in for a kiss on the cheek that you weren’t expecting “I heard so much about you, I didn’t know you were friends with this guy here”
“Yeah! We’re friends since the old Australian days” Ashton said, smiling at you “Y/N here dropped by for a visit since she’s doing a lil business around L.A”
You smiled tensely during that small exchange. Wanting nothing more than to crawl back into the car and wait for everything to be over.
One of the reasons you left L.A was because nothing ever felt right. For years you tried to fit in into the scene, going to parties and hosting them with a bunch of people who didn’t even know your last name. You were never good at making new friends, that is to say once you’ve established a relationship with someone then friendship would just roll around the corner. But everyone here was moving so fast it was almost impossible to even wish for a deeper connection with someone.
When you first moved, you thought it would be like a great new beginning. Yet you’ve never felt more alone. The only people you knew were from your team and from Ashton’s band, but even then they turned into more acquaintances given just how little time they seemed to spend in the city.
And maybe Ashton knew that. Maybe he was trying to fix that and give you some opportunities to mix with his group of friends; something you’ve been wanting to do since you moved here all those years ago. Still, something fell… off about all of this.
After the guys talked a little bit more, finally Andrew invited you in. There, you found a group of people you’ve never met hanging around the living room. Plastic cups and ashtrays were scattered around the room as a tinted, light smoke served to decorate the place and give you just an idea of the state of most attendees.
As you walked by, people started to come up to Ash, greeting him and spending a few minutes catching up. Not one of them turned to look at you for more than a second or even gave you the courtesy to say hi. Ashton didn’t seem to notice it at first, but there would come the rare occasion that he would introduce you to some of the groups that started forming around him.
It was not a rare sight for you. Back in school he was the popular one, always friendly with countless people you didn’t even see around school that often.
“This is Y/N, she’s here promoting her new album!” He’d say.
“Wait, I know you!” One of the strangers said, their smile totally welcoming “Taylor Swift gave you a few shout-outs recently, didn’t she?”
You smiled “Yeah! I had a chat with her at a label party a few days back. She’s amazing. We talked about collabing soon, maybe a writing session next time she flies out to the U.K”
“Damn, that’s awesome! I’m Laura, by the way” They said, extending her hand toward you “Ash, why didn’t you bring her along on one of our trips?”
Ashton chuckled “C’mon L, well…”
“Yeah, I don’t think it’s our style. No offense” A guy next to them said. You frowned
“What do you mean?” You smiled awkwardly “Have you heard my songs before or-?”
“Nah, it ain’t that. It’s just- We don’t go Taylor Swift’s style”
You could feel your heart beating loudly inside your chest as you looked between Ashton and the other guy, hoping that Ash would intervene “But I’m not Taylor”
Once again you looked toward Ash, but his eyes were cast down to the bottle of beer that he held in his hands. You couldn’t help the disappointment that came over you then.
“Hey man, not cool” Laura said, locking your arms together as they pulled you away “Don’t mind him, he’s high out his mind right now. C’mon, let’s get a bit drunk”
They took you to the main couches and sat next to you. Your cheeks were a bit red from the humiliation. How could you have expected Ashton to defend you? He said it before that your music didn’t go with his vibes and that it was not really his thing, so why would he help you now?
“Those guys can be assholes sometimes. I love them, but they’re so…” Laura trailed off, looking over at you “But hey, forget about them. Tell me a little bit about yourself, how do you know Ash?”
You ended up telling them your whole story. About how you met when you were kids and how he was your best friend. How lonely you felt when he moved away the first time. And how excited you were to see him again after your big break, but that life got in the way.
You probably told them more than you should’ve, but the drinks were soft and the room was crowded. And for the first time in the evening someone was actually willing to listen, curious to know you rather than know about you.
“That seems like a whole adventure” They smiled, “And when was the last time you saw Ash before deciding to come and stay with him?”
It wasn’t that long ago, a year or so earlier, when you gave a secret concert in London when you released your last album. He was standing in the corner, smiling at you as you sang. It was the first time since you told him you were moving a couple of years prior. You both kept following each other on social media, but that was pretty much it when it came to your relationship. And you were good with it.
You knew they were in the U.K for their tour, Michael and Crystal had asked you for drinks during that same week and you had a great time catching up. So, against your mind’s warning, you started to hope you would run to him soon enough. And when he appeared at the concert, you couldn’t help but smile back.
Afterwards, when you were back in the green room, you asked if he was still out there and to invite him over to chat. But no one from your team saw him; apparently he was already gone by the time you went off the stage. You remember waiting until you went home to allow yourself to cry, even for just a few minutes. That small interaction that seemingly never happened opened the wound back again. And, if you were honest with yourself, that was one of the main reasons why you decided to take on his offer to stay with him.
But you didn’t say that.
“I don’t know,” You told them instead, as your eyes landed on Ashton standing a few feet away from you, a lighted joint between his lips as he laughed with people that you haven’t seen before “Since I moved to Scotland, I think. A while before, probably”
If Laura saw the sadness in your eyes, they never mentioned it. They just said “Okay, I think you should be a little bit drunker, my friend”
Hours later you were alone and tipsy sitting at the front porch of Andrew’s home, nursing a cigarette between your fingers.
“I didn’t know you smoked” A voice came from behind you.
You sighed, putting the filter in between your lips and taking a long hit before you let the smoke get lost into the night.
“You’re mad.” Ashton said, sitting next to you
“And you’re high”
“So we’re both telling the truth tonight” He chuckled, you didn’t “When did you pick up this habit?”
“I don’t know,” You answer honestly. “It was better than drinking myself to death back in Australia. It helps with my anxiety”
“What do you-”
“Alcohol makes you fat.” You deadpanned as you took another hit “I didn’t want my mom to have yet another reason for her nagging”
“Y/N-”
“But she’s not here so,” You passed him your empty cup, still not looking at him “Bring me another one, please?”
Ashton sighed “I think you had enough,”
“You will just never stop making decisions for me, are you?” You stood up, killing the cigarette after one last blow “I know what I’m doing, Ash. I’m a fucking adult, if you haven’t realized. I don’t need you to tell me what to do”
His eyes widened. He parted his lips as if to say something, looking over his shoulder back at the party. You rolled your eyes.
“Don’t worry, your friends can’t listen to what I’m saying. Your reputation will still be intact and they will still love everything that comes out of your mouth”
“Hey,” Ashton said with a bit of a bark “Don’t talk about them like that”
You pressed your lips on a tight smile, looking at him as your eyes filled with tears. You couldn’t believe that he was defending them like that from just a simple comment, but left you completely alone when they were making worse comments at you.
“Fuck, Y/N” He said, frustrated “I’m trying here, you know? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore! You don’t want to talk to me, you moved across the world. You still talk to the guys-”
“They’re my friends,”
“I was your friend too!” He shouted, surprising you “And I want this to work. I want you here, with me. But if you don’t want to be here and go back to your fucking hotel- I want us to work!”
“Why am I here, Ash?”
“C’mon, don’t be like that! I just wanted you to meet a few people, celebrate your new album-”
“Yet none of them cared to get to know me, nor you to introduce me and actually wanting to celebrate with me” You took a deep breath and sighed “Give me the keys to the house, I want to leave”
Ashton shook his head.
“You’re angry. I get that”
“No, Ash. I’m tired and I want to go to bed” You said more firmly this time “Give me the keys and I’ll call an Uber”
“I’ll take you!”
“The fuck you aren’t” You laughed, not a hint of humor in your voice “You’re high with more than just weed apparently. I’m drunk. I would rather not fucking die tonight, thank you”
“I’m not going to-”
“I don’t want you to! Okay? Fuck, Ash! I don’t feel safe around you!”
You saw the ways his eyes changed, how hurt they looked so suddenly at your words. You knew you wounded him, but it was how you felt. You didn’t trust him, not tonight.
“Y/N…” He said, getting up and walking over to you but you took a step back. He sighed, roaming around his pockets before he found his keys and gave them to you “Text me when you get there, leave the keys by the potted tree”
You answered him with a nod and a small thank you. You didn’t watch him as he turned away and walked by to the house. You didn’t hear Laura, who was watching over from the window, tell him:
“I don’t know what you did, man. But I’ve never seen anyone with such sadness in her eyes”
Damn, who are we right now?
Can we have a little conversation?
Figure it out with no intoxication
We carry on, what is our motivation?
You woke up when you heard footsteps outside of your door. You knew it was him waiting outside, probably debating on whether or not to knock on your door, wanting to talk. There were times in the past where he would just open the door to your room and sit down on the floor next to your bed, waiting for you to start talking or acknowledge him so that he could apologize or talk things through. Sometimes you didn’t need to say anything, you just understood each other. And as he walked away without a word, you wondered where did all those times go?
Where was the friend that would go out with you and wait on the street for a cab to take you home, no matter whom he was with or what you were doing. Where was the friend that when you snuck out to your first concert, he held you close by the waist and covered your body so that none of the beer that people were throwing around got into your clothes or hair. What happened to the friend that would stay awake chatting with you on the phone even though you had an exam early the next morning, all because the guy you liked broke your heart.
Tears rolled down your face as you tossed and turned on the bed. It wasn’t fair, your heart kept begging your brain to understand. It wasn’t fair that you had to lose it all without a warning.
Once upon a time, you thought you had it all as long as Ashton was there. Now, you begin to miss the times where he wasn’t. Times where you learned to be happy without him, where you didn’t need him or his approval. Times where you felt complete even though your best friend was not around anymore. You were better off without him, and learned to live without him. You knew that to be the truth.
But one just can’t ignore the past and the mystery of how the person that makes you feel such horrible things about yourself once promised to give you the world and its stars and meant it.
You just couldn’t figure it out. So you just forced yourself to go back to sleep.
When you woke up again a few hours later and made your way to the kitchen, you found freshly made coffee and bagels waiting for you on the counter with a little note next to them:
“I’m sorry, can we talk about it later?
XX Ash”
You sighed as you wiped out the tears that clung to your eyelashes. You took a sip of the coffee and found comfort in the heat of the mug.
On the other side of town, Ashton was doing the same thing. His eyes were covered behind dark sunglasses as he thought of what to say once he got home. In front of him, Calum can’t say that he’s impressed from what he’s heard.
“What’s your deal?” He asked his friend.
“I- I don’t know” Ashton answered, biting the inside of his cheek “I thought she would have a good time. She was always cool at coming to those types of parties with me back home, we used to have fun”
“You and I both know she hates parties, and back home she had you. The normal, probably tipsy you, to keep her company” Calum said, taking a bite out of his sandwich “Last week I found her sitting alone while the rest of the world was having a conversation around her. We talked and it was nice, she’s not normally that outgoing on the get-go. She never was”
“You saw her last week?”
“We were invited to Gabriel’s cocktail party. You didn’t want to go, as usual”
“You never told me that-”
“What? That we’re still in contact? Dude, we all talk to her from time to time. We mention her in our conversations every now and then. She’s still our friend”
Ashton sighed, “So she just hates me for no reason?”
“You truly think that Y/N L/N could hate you?” Calum chuckled, “That girl would’ve followed you straight to the end of the world back in Aus. As far as I know, there’s only one person she truly hated”
“Who?” Ashton scoffed “I’m pretty sure our politics teacher was not so bad”
“What? No, Ash-” Calum shook his head “Remember when-” His face went blank “Oh shit,”
“What?”
“You didn’t know?”
Tell me that it's all okay
You ruined everything good
I've been waitin' on this all damn day
Always said you were misunderstood
Call me in the morning', tell me how last night went
I'm here, but don't count on me to
Just fucking leave me alone
He found you sitting outside in one of his garden chairs. A cigarette was hanging from your fingertips as the ashes fell on the floor in a small pile. You didn’t look back at him, for your eyes were staring at the moon that decorated the sky with its beauty.
You felt him come outside and sit on the chair next to you. The sound of a lighter made you blink, and you sighed at his exhale. There was no way he was doing this sober, and you couldn’t blame him. Yet…
“I was hoping we could talk without any of that” You said.
“You have your ways and I have mines”
Silence fell over the two of you once again. You could feel his eyes burning holes into your profile, but you didn’t have the courage to look at him just yet.
“When did I stop being your best friend?” He asked.
Tears quickly covered your eyes and you hated that. “Probably around the time when you stopped being mine”
“Y/N-”
“You held me, once. Not the usual hugs that we gave each other, no. This one was different. We were at school, an overnight vigil that the nuns made us do every year”
“Those were fun,” He commented “A huge sleepover at school”
“The theme was about lost ones, remember? I had just lost my grandma that past week”
“I wasn’t at the funeral, I was away on a trip to the city. She was the one that taught you how to bake”
“Yeah,” You chuckled. “Though, I was never good at it once she passed. Anyway, of course I started crying. I’ve already lost so many people back then, and I was barely hanging on. But then - then you held me, so tightly. And my tears left a damp stamp on your shirt. You cradled me and brushed my hair with your fingers and whispered “It’ll be okay, you can cry. It’s okay” and kissed my head as they started to sing. You sang as well and never said a thing about it afterwards. That was the moment I knew I couldn’t have loved you more”
The sound of a cricket broke your monologue, and you allowed yourselves to be fed into the sounds of nature for a while. You knew there were still things left unsaid, so you better get over with it now rather than later. You didn’t want to stay for the aftermath.
“Remember the first time you came back to Australia? I was still living there in the house we grew up in. I was having a shitty day at work, so I went to grab a coffee at our favorite coffee shop with other coworkers when a few of our old friends and classmates came through the door. We said our hellos and caught up, it was nice. Then they had to go. “Who’s coming with me to Ash’s house?” One of them said. I remember asking about it as they argued over who had to take the bus or a cab. They told me you were coming back that day and have invited people over to celebrate”
“Y/N,”
“You invited them. Even people I didn’t know that well and that I know for a fact didn’t know you as well. And don’t try to tell me it was a guys thing, cause you invited girl classmates as well”
Ashton opened his mouth to say something, yet nothing came out.
“I was numb as I took a taxi home. I still remember that the radio played “Waiting for Superman” as I tried my hardest not to cry. But when I got into the kitchen, I just couldn’t stop. I cried myself to sleep that night knowing that you were just a door away but didn’t want me there”
“Y/N, I wanted you there” He said, putting his hand on your arm as he leaned closer “I - I know I can’t say anything to fix it now but- I missed you, too”
“It didn’t seem like it” You told him “Every time I learned something about you back then was through a story or a tweet. I learned through the paparazzi who you were with and in which city you were going to sleep next. I saw you living your best life with your friends away from home. And, I get it, we both resented that place and all that we suffered while we were there. I just - I just hoped that my memory was something worth saving, cause my memory of you always was and will always be the best thing that’s happened to me while we were there”
You turned to him and looked him in the eyes “It just hurt to know that while I put you on a pedestal, I was already out of your sight”
“Baby, you know that’s not true” You scoffed “I swear! In my memory, you were always there! Front of the line!”
“Then why-?”
“I was scared, okay?!” He shouted, lowering his eyes in shame “So fucking scared and it’s so stupid!”
“Scared of what?!” You shouted back, willing for him to look you in the eyes “Ashton, for god’s sake just tell me!”
“They told me that you liked me!”
For a moment time stood still. You backed away from him as his words started to make sense. You pulled away your arm, letting his hand grasp the space that you left between the two of you.
“What?”
“People started whispering,” He said, his voice broken as if he were crying “Telling me how good of a couple we could be. How happy you were with me and how in love you looked”
“When was it?”
“At the beginning of our senior year” Ashton admitted, ashamed “I- I already knew that I wanted to get out of Australia. I knew that with the guys we could take the band somewhere massive. So I put my whole soul into it, trying to escape the feelings that would pull me back”
“You thought I was pulling you back” You stated, betrayed.
“No! I was pulling myself back by thinking about it!” Ashton said, finally looking at you and hating the way you were looking at him “I couldn’t risk it”
“Couldn’t risk what?! That I could have feelings for you?!” You stood up “You’re unbelievable! You could’ve asked me! Come to me instead of running away and make me lose part of myself in the process. Parts that I can’t take back, that I can’t love back because of you”
“Y/N!” He tried reaching out to you, but you took a step back.
“No!”
“Y/N, please! Just-!”
He grabbed you by the elbow and pulled you to him. The movement made you lose your balance, tripping over your feet as Ashton maneuvered you to land on top of his lap, holding you by your waist.
The sudden proximity made you lose all the air inside your lungs as you looked at him and his hazel eyes surrounded by red. He looked desperate, pleading with his eyes for something you couldn’t understand. He was breathing hard, his chest colliding against yours where your heartbeats were going as fast as your thoughts. Almost impossible to catch up.
Then, almost without thinking, Ashton launched himself forward and pressed his lips on yours.
The softness of the kiss contrasted the chills that ran up and down your bodies. As you gasped for air, his hand came to tangle itself on your hair, pulling you closer to him as you allowed him to deepen the kiss. He sat back on the chair and pulled you with him, making your legs spread at either side of his hips; never once letting you go as he kissed you over and over again, like a man deprived of something more.
“Y/N,” He whimpered against your lips, making you sigh as his hands roamed your body until they landed on your hips, moving them against lower half “Y/N, please”
Your mind was clouded in smoke, feeling the heat of his kiss along the length of your neck. His words whispered your name, as his movements on your hips became erratic, letting you feel all of him under you.
“Please, please Y/N” He said, kissing and kissing and kissing every part he could find “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”
Suddenly, you opened your eyes as you jumped back to reality. Putting a hand on his chest and pulling away from him. Both of you were left panting, as your skin tingled from the contact.
Ashton’s eyes were desperate, looking at you in fear of what you might do. His lips - you imagined - were a mirror of yours, plumb and beat red as your name escaped him in the form of a question.
You closed your eyes and let a tear fall across your cheek as you shook your head.
“You don’t get to do this to me” Your voice, a whisper.
“What?” He asked, almost out of breath. But you were already getting off him and turning your step back to the house.
“You don’t get to do this to me!” You yelled through the tears “You don’t get to confuse me all over again. You don’t get to have a half-ass apology followed by a kiss that would make it all better!” You turned to him, poking a finger on his chest “You don’t get to make me hate myself all over again for loving you when you didn’t think it was convenient for you!”
“Y/N!” Ashton pleaded, taking your hand in his before you yanked it away “I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking-!”
“Exactly! You weren’t thinking! You never, not once, thought of me during all of this. Fucking admit it! Trying to get me to come here to patch things up was just such bullshit! You just wanted to make sure that I was still available for you any time you wanted! And don’t say it isn’t fair cause you were not aware of how miserable you made me!”
“That’s not true-”
“Was this just a plot to get me to bed?! Is that what you think of me now?!”
“It’s not true!” Ashton yelled “I know I made a mistake and I’m so fucking sorry! I should’ve never-! Look, I want to patch things up. You were right, goddammit, Y/N, you were right! It took me a long time to realize and fuck! After you moved away I was fucking miserable as well! I- I failed you”
You stood there in front of him, crying silently as he paced desperately.
“Ashton,” You called to him “Ashton, why am I here?”
Suddenly, he stopped and looked at you “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”
“About what?”
“For fuck’s- About the fact that you were abused, Y/N!” He yelled, leaving you speechless “Right after I left! Why didn’t you say anything?!”
You swallowed hard “It was none of your business-”
“You told Calum” He accused “You told Calum and you never told me. Why? Maybe it was not just me who was a shitty friend to you, after all, if you were going to keep things like that from me”
“How fucking dare you, Ashton Irwin. How fucking dare you?” You pushed him away “I told Calum by mistake! I didn’t mean to do it and it was years after it happened. And because I didn’t think you would care!”
“What?” He broke down, putting his hands on his knees for balance as he looked at you in tears “How- Why would you think that?”
“Because it’s the truth,” You cried “Just like you said, you had big dreams and a massive opportunity and I was just going to pull you back. Ashton, you just justified everything I thought it was true with that sentence”
“Y/N-”
“Do you think I had a good time? Knowing that my best friend, the only person I cared about in the world didn’t give a fuck about me to even ask how I was doing? So if you really wanna know… I don’t relate to you anymore. I don’t. I don’t want to think about what we had anymore because it just makes me fucking sad. I thought the world of you. Ash, you were my everything. I loved you, as a friend. I loved you, as the sun loves the moon even when it’s gone. I loved you with every prayer, every pleading, every move I made was for that one day I could be with you again, anyway that you would have me.
I would’ve died a thousand times next to you, just as long as you kept me company. I didn’t care about what could happen to me. And when something happened, I tried to spare you from it, even when you never once asked. Fuck! I moved to L.A and this is the first time I’ve been in your house!”
“That’s-”
“I wish I could explain it better, I wish it wasn’t true. I wish we could’ve resolved this somehow, but let’s be honest. There is no bridge to burn when we're already so far away. And those memories? From all those years back? Now it all feels like a lie and don’t you dare say otherwise. You’re not the person I once knew, Ash. The person I once knew would’ve never invited me here to leave me alone at a party with people I don’t know, saying a cute lie about how it was for me when in reality it was to make you look a certain way. The person I once knew would’ve never made me feel like nothing every time we were at an event together and you couldn’t even say hi. The person I once knew would’ve never let their “friends” disrespect me in any way.
The Ashton I knew wouldn’t have tried to make me feel sad. He wouldn’t have made me so miserable to be in my own skin because they’re not brave enough to face the music he so highly speaks about. You never once showed support for what I do once I became my own person. You never once called to ask how I was. You never once believed in me as much as I believed in you. You made me hate this city. But even more, you made me hate everything I used to love about us.
Now I meet someone new and wondered if it’ll be like what we had. You ruined me, Ash. And you never apologized for it”
Ashton was shaking his head, crying as he listened to what you had to say.
After you had your feelings heard, you didn’t walk away or ran through the door so that you could escape the aftermath like you did back in December all those years ago. You were not going to run away again. Not when your heart finally felt light from all the things you’ve been carrying.
You and Ashton cried in silence, each one at one side of the room.
The two of you couldn’t help but wonder what had happened and why did it end up like this? You could play the blaming game; pretend this never happened; you could walk out and never see each other again; or, you could just stand there, waiting, digesting the sour words that fell from both your lips and think, think of anything that could be saved.
“What are we going to do?” Ashton finally asked, voice hoarse from the crying.
“I don’t know,” You answered in all honesty “It’s like we only play to lose”
“Every time,” He said, looking at you and giving a small chuckle. “Every time I see you it just hurts. Not for anything you’ve done, but for everything that I could’ve done but didn’t”
“Maybe it was for the best to have it end this way”
“But… I don’t want it to.” Ashton admitted in a whisper “Now that you’re here… I kept on failing cause I wanted to prove to myself that I still knew you”
You laughed “Who are we, Ash?” you asked “A girl that chases over the past and a boy with the excuse?”
“How the hell we’re going to make it?”
“Maybe we don’t” You shrugged “Maybe we’re just meant to be passing figures on the street. People we once knew. We can’t go back from this, Ash, and you know it. We’re just going to keep hurting each other”
Ashton nodded, walking over to you as you let yourself be embraced by a hug.
“I love you, Y/N. I will always love you”
“Terribly” You murmured against his chest “I will love you all my life, Ash. And I’ll miss you forever”
“Tell me that it’ll be okay? Please?”
You smiled and placed a small kiss on his chest, and held him tighter. And he knew.
very self-indulgent fic and this song always makes me feel some type of way when I'm feeling all the feelings.
warnings: drug use, drug mention, gummies, weed and smoking mention, lots of feelings, underlying anger
Masterlist
word count: 2k
Feedback is always welcome and reblogs help spread my work!
Enjoy!
*****
She doesn’t like feeling this way, like a ticking time bomb waiting to implode but when it’s one thing after another after another after another–she feels the breakdown quaking in her bones. It could be something small that finally sets her off or something very grand that will make the destruction worse.
All she wants is someone to know when she’s in this danger zone and help her out, her defense mechanism will be to deny any help but that extra push will do it. Force her to open up. Pop the cork and let her spill everything she’s been feeling–or not feeling–out in the open.
She hates feeling broken and not knowing why then on the other hand she hates knowing why she feels broken but doesn’t know exactly how to fix it. She sits in her emotions trying to focus on one but they’re on a constant carousel that just keeps spinning and shows no sign of stopping. It makes her dizzy, all of these emotions, but no one seems to notice.
Except Ashton. He notices everything.
So that’s why on Friday when she walks in the room he can tell she’s on edge, she’s buzzing with it, her eyes are wide and bright with the edge she’s trying so hard not to fall from. She masks it well with a smile as she says hello to others. It’s damn near camouflage from the jokes she tells and invisible in her laugh.
But not to him.
So when he finally heads her way by the drink table, he ducks down by her ear to say,
“I know you’re feeling some type of way, so when you’re ready, come find me, yeah?”
She turns to look up at him, eyes wide and mouth open in shock.
“What? How do you know–?”
“I can tell,” he takes her drink bottle and twists it open, the fizz hissing on them both. “You don’t have to go through it alone. Just find me.”
He hands her her drink then walks away, his boots clicking on the concrete and she stares after him. What did he mean he could tell? No one could tell. She’s perfected this mask for so long there’s no way someone would be able to see past it.
It’s Sunday when they’re together again and now she has a vacant look in her eyes. Something else has triggered her and it makes Ashton nervous to see her so visibly shook by it. She’s not paying attention to those around her, staring off into space and it isn’t until he gets closer that he sees how blown her pupils are.
Not being shy of smoking weed himself, he has no judgment, they’ve even gotten high a few times together but this time is different. Usually she’s more giggly and sleepy when she smokes but this…this is making her all wrong.
He sees it before it’s about to happen but he’s too late to offer any aid when she bumps into the table and knocks over the punch bowl. The red liquid splashes onto her legs and shoes turning her white shoes pink. There’s a stunned silence and she just stares down at the chaos she caused before running away and slamming right into Ashton.
“It’s okay, come with me,” he says in her hair. His arms are tight around her as he lifts her effortlessly off the ground and carries her inside.
The chatter starts up again outside and she’s shaking like a leaf against him, her fingers pinching his biceps through his shirt. They’re in the kitchen, far enough away from the crowd outside and he sets her down on the counter, she curves into herself with her hands hiding herself away from Ashton’s eyes.
“y/n, look at me,” he murmurs trying to pry her hands from her face. She shakes her head vehemently and he can see some punch is on her fingers. “y/n, it’s okay it was an accident. Let me take your shoes off so you’re not so sticky.”
He bends down to peel off her sneakers then sees her toes are painted a pretty pink. He unravels the roll of paper towel, runs a portion of it under the sink then starts to clean up her legs. The punch splattered up her shins and knees, even a few splotches on her thighs.
“I ruined everything,” she whispers.
“You didn’t ruin a thing,” he shakes his head then glances at her sneakers, “well, except your sneakers.”
That earns a small chuckle from her, the sound is so sweet and broken Ashton turns to the noise but she’s still hidden behind her hands. He uses the opposite end of the towel clump to dry her off.
“How much did you smoke before you got here?” he asks.
“How do you know?”
“Your eyes.”
“I didn’t smoke it…”
“A gummy?” he inquires nonchalantly. He doesn’t want you to think he’s judging because that might make you paranoid and scared.
“Yeah. A full one. I don’t know the dosage.”
“Was it from Gage?” he asks and she nods peeking through his fingers. “Then it was a lot. And you drove here?”
“I’m so stupid–”
“Stop it,” he tosses the towels in the garbage then leans on the counter over her. He tries to move her hands away and this time she lets him. Her mascara is smudged, the whites of her eyes are bloodshot. “I’ll drive you home, where are your keys?”
“My bag is outside,” she sniffs.
“I’ll be right back. Stay put,” he squeezes her knee then heads back outside. He’s swarmed by people asking if she’s okay and he simply says he’s taking her home. When he comes back inside she’s slumped against the cabinets, her cheeks framed by her hands as she stares unblinkingly at the floor.
“My lips feel fuzzy,” she mumbles.
“I bet they do. Ready to go? Can you carry your shoes?”
She hums a yes and hops down the counter but stumbles into Ashton. He steadies her, slings her bag over his shoulder and guides her out the front door. He helps her in the passenger side, making sure she’s buckled.
Ashton keeps glancing her direction on the drive, he can see how sleepy she’s becoming even though her eyes are darting at the palm trees on the side of the road. She’s gnawing on her lip in a worrisome way.
“Are you hungry at all?” he asks.
“I want ice cream with sprinkles. And cheese fries.”
“Okay,” he smiles then turns into a fast food drive-thru.
When they get their food she tries to open up the cheese cup.
“No, no, no, you might spill and I know you don’t want melted cheese in your car.”
“But Ash!” she whines and pulls out two pieces of fries. She pops them in her mouth.
“Don’t eat them all or you’ll be very sad when we get home,” he warns. She snuck one more fry before rolling up the bag and sitting nicely against her seat.
They end up watching a movie while they eat their fries and shakes. She does a little happy dance each time she has a fry dipped in cheese.
“How’re you feeling?” he asks as the credits roll and she’s somehow found her way into his lap. He’s been petting her hair, letting his fingers thread through the strands for the last twenty-five minutes, her eyes becoming heavier.
“Kinda broken.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not yet. I need a little time yet, I think,” she sighs.
“Okay.”
“Time…time…can we watch Back to the Future?”
She was out like a light in the first ten minutes.
On Tuesday he texted her asking if she had any plans and she said no so he swung by to pick her up. She badgered him the whole time wondering where they were going but he wouldn’t budge. She was still confused when they arrived at the building then she heard glass shattering down one of the halls.
“Welcome to the Breaking Place,” a bubbly teen with bright pink hair said. “Are we here for a breakup, loss of job?”
“We’re here for feeling all the feelings and not knowing what to do with them,” Ashton says.
“Perfect. What’s your weapon of choice? Sledgehammer, bat, or fire poker?”
“I’ll do a sledgehammer, what about you, y/n?” Ashton asks and you’re staring at the girl in surprise.
“You brought me to a break room?” she whispers.
“Yeah. You’re feeling broken so why not break other stuff? Let all the emotions out. Choose your weapon, babe.”
She thinks it over for a second.
“Give me a bat.”
While they got dressed in the suits, pulled on gloves and goggles they listened to the teen explain the rules. Protective gear needs to be on at all times unless weapons of destruction are out of the hands. You can smash plates on the floor but not the wall. You can scream and shout and yell and cry as loud as you want.
Upon entering the room there were piles of plates on a worn table, multiple TVs, windows leaning against other tables, small lockers that have some dents in them and a glass cabinet.
“Have fun!” the teen sang and shut the door.
“What do you want to hit first?” Ashton asks, adjusting his goggles.
“The plates first, so I can get a feel of it.”
“Go for it.”
He watches her walk hesitantly towards the plates, her gloved finger circles the circumference before picking it up. It has a cheap design around the edges and then she slams it to the ground. It shatters and she smiles. She does another one then another one until she takes one in each hand and destroys them in tandem. When all the plates are broken she moves to one of the TVs.
She lifts the bat and swings hard right in the center. It concaves and broken pieces fall to the ground. Ashton watches her whack and smack at it some more, each thrust more powerful. Soon she’s screaming as she smashes and bats at the wood. Ashton watches as she destroys everything in the room, using all her might, all her strength until she becomes visibly drained.
Ashton drops his hammer the same time you let out a loud wail, the bat falling from her grip and rolling on the floor. The glass cracks under his feet as he goes to her and she slams into his chest. The sobs finally come forward and he holds her tightly.
“I’ve got you,” he murmurs then pulls the hood down and removes her goggles. His thumbs rub at her tears. “I’ve always got you, okay? I know you hurt sometimes and feel like you have no one but you’ve always got me.”
You nod meekly in his hold.
“There’s so much going on and so much to remember…I don’t know what to do first.”
“Let’s write it all down and go through it together.”
“Some of it is from work–”
“I’ll help as much as I can. You aren’t alone. The guys will help out, too. You have no idea how many people love you, y/n.”
“My problems are so miniscule to theirs–”
“That’s your brain tricking you,” he shakes his head.
“It’s hard to ask for help.”
“I know, and I know it’s because of your dad. He made you feel like a burden and got angry when you asked for help but that’s never going to be an issue with me. You call me whenever, wherever, no matter the time.”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” she shakes her head.
“What if we come up with a safe word? When you’re feeling too close to the edge, text it and I’ll come running.”
“Could it be a song?”
“Whatever you want,” he nods.
“Can it be your song? Emotions? It says exactly what I feel.”
“It’s perfect.”
“Thanks for everything, Ash.”
“Anytime,” he smiles and kisses her forehead.
____________________
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i made a similar fic to this a while ago called “Secrets” and it’s poly!cake. I also wrote this months ago and it's just sat in my drafts. Anyway....
warnings: oral (male giving/ male receiving, afab receiving), m/m, m/nb. cursing, semi-public sexual situations, unprotected sex in a relationship, light power dynamics, nicotine use, mentions of smoking weed.
Calum Hood x Ashton Irwin x nb!OC
word count: 2.6k
————
Ashton’s eyes flash over to Calum for what seems like the thousandth time. Calum was lying back on the couch, his bass in hand as he lazily attempts to come up with his part for their newest WIP.
Ashton just couldn’t seem to focus on his work today. He wasn’t sure what it was but Calum was stealing all of his attention.
“Cal,” he calls over finally, his boyfriend looks at him questioningly, as does Luke and Michael. Ashton swallows trying to find what to say. “Uh— do you think you could help me with something real quick?” he asks, mouth going dry, and Calum raises an eyebrow, a playful smirk appearing on his lips.
“Sure,” Calum chuckles and sits up. Everyone looks at Ashton questioningly and he’s quick to figure himself out.
“It’s not related to the song, I just need to figure out what I’m doing for Eve for our anniversary coming up…” he says, “I have a couple ideas but can you help me real quick?”
Calum holds back a laugh, Ashton already had figured out what he was doing for his and Eve’s anniversary, him and Calum had stayed up all night a few weeks ago planning a short trip to the mountains, just the three of them, and they’d even went as far as to plan a fake trip for Calum so it wasn’t suspicious to anyone.
“Yeah but let’s not bother them,” Calum says and stands up, stretching his arms over his head and Ashton’s eyes flash to the section of Calum’s stomach and hip that’s revealed when his shirt rises.
Ashton leads the way out of the studio, Luke and Michael both awkwardly laughing in confusion as the two leave, and as soon as their out Calum turns to his boyfriend, eyes crinkling as he smiles.
“You’re so full of shit, you know that?“ he asks and leads them into the family bathroom, locking the door behind them.
“Im sorry but you just look so good today,” Ashton smirks, his hands gluing themselves to Calum’s arms that are exposed by his ripped muscle tee. Calum bites his lip and leans against the sink as Ashton pushes into him and connects their lips.
Their relationship had been official for almost a year. It started as a hookup, Ashton and his partner Eve had invited Calum over to hang out one night, as they did many times. After one too many drinks and some heavy flirting from the couple who (little to Calum’s knowledge) had discussed a threesome with Calum many times, Calum found himself in their bed, making out with both of them.
It took four more hookups for them to decide that they liked each other more than just friends with benefits and so their relationship began.
Calum’s hands sneak under Ashton’s shirt, holding onto his sides as he deepens the kiss and he lightly grinds up against his boyfriend who pulls away and smirks.
“How long do you think we have before they look for us?” Ashton asks, glancing at the closed door and Calum smiles, slowly sinking to his knees in front of him.
“Long enough for me to blow you,” he says, and Ashton lets out a shaky breath and switches their places so he can grip onto the sink for stability as Calum unzips his pants and pulls him out.
Calum quickly gets to work. His mouth wrapping around Ashton as he bobs his head and sucks lightly. He opens his eyes and looks up at the man who groans when he sees him.
Ashton reaches down to softly run his fingers through Calum’s hair, and when the man on his knees relaxes his throat to get Ashton down as far as he can, Ashton’s grip tightens as he lightly pulls and Calum moans, the vibrations rushing up Ashton.
“Cal–“ he moans, “I’m gonna…” He cuts himself off with a soft groan when Calum speeds up, wrapping his hand around the base of his older man’s cock as he focuses on the tip.
Ashton’s grip tightens once again when he releases, Head falling back and a groan leaving his mouth. Calum swallows his load and sits back his legs to catch his breath. Ashton does the same while leaning against the sink and when he finally recovers he reaches down to fix his boyfriend’s hair and help him up.
“You okay?” he asks, while pulling him in for a hug. Calum nods, leaning his head on Ashton’s shoulder for a moment before pulling away.
Ashton looks between them at Calum cock straining against his jeans and chuckles. “Want me to help?” he asks and Calum shakes his head,
“We need to get back in there,” he says, “Maybe you’ll be able to focus on the song now,” his teasing grin makes Ashton roll his eyes.
“I’ll make it up to you tonight, okay?” he cups Calum’s face and Calum smiles and nods, he knows Ashton means it, and he also knows that means Eve will be there as well.
Ashton goes back first. “Calum stopped at the restroom,” he says and sits back down.
“Did you figure out the present?” Luke asks and Ashton nods,
“Yeah, I think i’m taking them on a trip,” Ashton says, “Now i just need to figure out when,”
Calum walks back in, sending Ashton a teasing grin before he sits down,
“Cal said he’s planning on going on a small trip the week of our anniversary so we might go then so that’s only a week we’re not all together,”
Luke and Michael both nod in agreement and the room goes back to silence, the only noise being their instruments and Luke’s occasional hum.
——
Calum walks into the house first. He rubs his face as he enters, a smile filling his face when Duke runs over to him. “hey bubba,” he smiles and falls to his knees to pet his dog.
Eve hears the door open and hurries down the stairs to find their boyfriends. “hey!” they smile and Calum stands up to catch them in a hug.
“You have a long day today?” Eve asks and Calum nods with a small chuckle.
“Ask our boyfriend what we did today,” he says and as if on cue, Ashton walks in. Eve looks at their other boyfriend who raises an eyebrow,
“What?” he asks, eyes flashing to Calum, and Calum smirks.
“What did you guys do today?” Eve asks, completely lost as their boyfriends exchange a look and the tension in the room builds.
“Ash was being horny all day,” Calum chuckles, “made up an excuse for us to leave the studio so i could blow him,”
Eve laughs, looking at Ashton who just smiles at the acquisition and surrenders his hands in the air.
“I mean look at him,” he motions to Calum, “how am i supposed to focus on my work when this fucking god is sitting next to me,”
Calum blushes, and Eve just giggles. “So did you return the favor, Ash?” they ask and Ashton smirks,
“No, i was wanting some help with that,” he walks past his partners and into the kitchen where he gets a cup of water. Caulk steps back to admire Eve.
They were only wearing one of Calum’s oversized shirts, and he would bet on them not wearing shorts under it, they never were. His hand find their waist and they take a breath.
“You’re gonna be good for me?” he asks but it’s more of a command, Eve nods, eyes wide and innocent. Ashton watches them, and finally speaks up when they just stare at each other for a moment too long.
“What do you want, Cal?” he asks from across the room, and the man swallows as he processes the question in his head. His eyes flash to Ashton as he licks his lips.
“I wanna go to our room,” he says and Ashton nods, motioning for him to go, which he does after grabbing Eve’s hand to drag them along.
Ashton’s always in charge, even if he’s not actively taking part in the moment. Calum doesn’t always admit it, matter of fact it’s one of the biggest things him and Ashton tease each other over, but when it comes down to it, Calum needs Ashton to lead him and Ashton is happy to do it.
Ashton follows them upstairs and smiles when he sees Calum with Eve pinned under him. His lips are on their neck and their eyes are closed as Calum leaves a few marks.
Ashton watches them as he sheds his shirt and climbs onto the bed. He sits up on his knees and lets his hand wander under Calum’s shirt. he gently scrapes his nails on the man’s hot skin and Calum slowly sits up, letting Ashton take off his shirt before connecting their lips.
Eve opens their eyes to watch their boyfriends slowly make out. Ashton’s hand goes down Calum’s pants and gropes him, making the younger man moan into his mouth.
“Tonight’s all about you, baby boy,” Ashton says as he pulls away. Calum would normally pretend to hate the pet name, but he doesn’t fight it as he turns back to Eve and tug at their shirt before helping them sit up and take it off.
His eyes fall to look at the skinny silver bars going through their nipples, he bites his lips, that’s one thing he’ll never get tired of seeing.
His hands slowly trail down their body until they reach the band of their panties and he slowly takes them off, sliding them down their legs before getting between them. He smirks up at them after kissing their thighs, lips ghosting over where they need him the most.
Calum’s knows he’s good with his mouth. No matter what he knows that he can never let anyone down with head, and it’s just a bonus that he enjoys it.
Ashton sits back to watch as Calum dives in. Eve’s head rolls back and they moan out, hand shooting to the man’s hair.
After a moment they open their eyes and they make contact with Ashton who palms himself through his pants. “Tell Calum that he’s making you feel good,” Ashton demands, and Calum looks up at Eve as he slows.
“Fuck Cal,” Eve moans, “You feel so good, i’m gonna cum,”
Calum smirks as pulls up for just long enough to mumble, “want you to come on my tongue,” and he goes back in.
It’s not long before they are. They let out a loud moan of Calum’s name as they cum, eyes squeezing shut and toes curling. Calum continues to eat them out, waiting until they’re flinching at his touch before pulling away.
He sits up, out of breath and Ashton connects their lips again. He moans at the taste of Eve in Calum’s lips and reaches down to slowly stroke Calum.
“How do you want to get off?” he asks, and Calum glances at Eve.
“Can you handle me fucking you, baby?” he asks, and Eve nods quickly, eyes desperate.
“Please,” they beg and Calum turns to Ashton.
“Can i help you out?” he asks and Ashton rolls his eyes,
“Stop worrying about me,” he chuckles, “i what to see you cum in them,”
Ashton doesn’t have to ask twice and Calum is stripping off his pants and lining himself up with Eve, slowly pushing in.
Ashton takes off his own pants before stroking himself. He paces himself at Calum’s speed as he watches.
Calum moans when Eve tightens around him as he bottoms out. He leans forward, keeping himself propped up with his hands on either side of his partner. He connects their lips, taking advantage of their moans to explore they’re mouth. He doesn’t take long to feel his climax nearing and he quickens his pace.
“–gonna,” he’s cut off by his own pants and soon his releasing into Eve. He rests his head on their chest as he stills, breaths heavy as he recovers for a moment before pulling out.
Calum falls to the side just in time to watch Ashton cum into his hand and he smiles goofily.
Eve rolls over to cuddle into their boyfriend and Calum happily pulls them into his chest. Ashton goes into the connected bathroom and come back with a couple wash cloths for them to clean up.
“I need a smoke,” Calum mumbles to his partners after he’s cleaned up and puts on a pair of pajama pants,
He reaches into his jeans from earlier to pull out his pack of cigarettes and lighter. Ashton kisses his forehead as he passes by. “I can start on dinner,” he says and Eve lies in bed watching them.
“I’ll find a movie?” they suggest and Calum smirks,
“Pack a blunt for us?” he asks and they happily nod watching as their boyfriends leave the room.
Calum walks outside to the front porch and sits on the steps before lighting the smoke. He breathes in the nicotine and closes his eyes to enjoy the burn in his lungs.
“Calum?” the voice snaps him out of his head and he opens his eyes to see Michael. The blond haired man looks at him confused.
“Why’re you here?” he asks and Calum stutters,
“Uh– I’m just– Um Ash invited me over to go over a few other things,” he curses himself for the poor excuse as he stares at his friend. He takes a moment to look down at himself. His shirtless chest, and baggy pajamas pants, it’s obvious he’s not just hanging out.
Michael just stares at him, “What?” he asks as if he didn’t hear what he said and the front door opens, Ashton walking out looking in the same condition as Calum.
“Babe–“ Ashton starts but he freezes when he sees Michael and his heart drops.
His eyes flash to his boyfriend who looks like he’s about to cry as his cigarette burns out in his hand.
“What is happening?” Michael asks and Ashton sighs, opening the door wider,
“Just come in,” he says, defeated and Calum stands up as well, putting out his cigarette he barely smoke to follow them inside.
Eve is on the couch, a mango zipzag in hand doing as they were told. Their eyes go wide when they see Michael and quickly grabs the blanket on the back on the couch to make sure they’re covered since they’re only wearing Ashton’s shirt he had on earlier.
“You guys are having a smoke session together?” Michael asks confused and Calum bites his lips trying to figure out if they should lie or not as he glances over at Ashton,
“Maybe we should call Luke?” Ashton suggest and Michael nods his head slowly as he tries to connect the dots.
——
“A year!?” Luke shouts and Calum chuckles awkwardly, “You’ve hid this for a year? Did you think we’d be mad?”
“We didn’t want you to think it’d affect the band,” Ashton tries to explain. Michael’s eyes bounce between the three of them before he shakes his head,
“How did you manage to keep it secret?” he asks finally,
“Lots of make out sessions in bathrooms,” Calum says and Ashton elbows him as the younger man laughs.
Michael raises an eyebrow, “So today….” he trails off and Ashton nods,
“Yeah…” he chuckles awkwardly.
“I wish you would of told us!” Luke sighs, “We’ve been teasing Calum for months when he shows up late with new hickies and sex hair, we would’ve made fun of you too if we knew you were part of that,”
Ashton rolls his eyes and glances at his boyfriend. Michael shakes his head in disbelief. “I’m happy for you,” he finally says and Luke nods in agreement.
They share a laugh before silence falls between them so they can take in the information.
“Wait,” Luke says, “Wildflower about this fucker?” he motions to Ashton and Calum’s cheeks turn red as he looks away.
“Oh my god!” Michael yells and they laugh harder as they continue to connect the dots for their relationship and how they’ve hid it for a year.
————
A/N:
hi, i’m back
i’ve fell back into my 5sos phase for the 5835295th time
anyways send me requests and maybe i’ll get around to them sometime :)
summary: Ashton is one of the only people you've ever been comfortable being vulnerable with. One night you realise you deeply you've fallen for him.
word count: 918
author’s note: my second full fic! it turned out a bit different to how I originally planned but I like it anyway! thanks for all the love on ‘Missing You’, it’s really appreciated and I hope you enjoy this!
✨
You'd never been one to share or express your feelings, the idea of being that vulnerable in front of someone else never appealed to you. You'd always preferred to be the one that listened and the designated shoulder to cry on instead of the talker or the crier.
That was until you met Ashton. He unlocked something inside of you, something that let you know it was okay to be vulnerable, that told you you were allowed to cry or to be angry or even just be lost. You'd never felt so safe or comfortable with another person before but Ashton truly allowed you to express yourself with no judgement.
Somewhere along the line, you two went from late night phone calls, venting about your respective days, to lying in bed together, him tracing shapes on your back whilst you discussed how drained you'd been feeling recently. His fingertips never ceased as you explained how your coworkers had been needling you about tasks that you'd been working on for months, regardless of the fact that you'd almost finished them and were the only one willing to do them when they were first handed out. The stress of the constant nagging, the possibility of a promotion coming up and Ashton's fast approaching leave for tour was making you feel scattered.
"It just pisses me off that they didn't want to undertake the projects because they knew how much work they'd be and how long they'd take, but have the nerve to nag me about them and how I'm not doing my other work because of them! It's ridiculous! I have so much stuff going on right now that I feel like my head is everywhere at once," you grumbled, "I've got these projects, the promotion is coming up, Kelly is leaving which is gonna make everyone's workload bigger than it already is, you're leaving soon and I just don't know how to deal with it anymore Ash."
As you expressed your feelings to him, he never once interrupted you, only murmuring words of agreement or encouragement at the appropriate times. He let you talk until you had nothing left to say and allowed you time to process everything going on in your head.
"it's okay to feel stressed out baby, you've got a lot on your plate at the moment and you're overwhelmed, it makes complete sense," his reassurance rang through your ears, "we've both been super busy lately, how about a bubble bath? we can have a nice relax and plan out the next few weeks, I know you always feel calmer when you've got a plan."
He didn't realise it, but these simple words, this simple act of running a bath for you was what made you love him so much. The way he knew what would calm you down, how to listen to you and what you needed when you got stressed showed you how much he cared for you. Even the kiss he left on your cheek as he got up to start the bath gave you butterflies, sending your mind wandering to all the moments of sheer bliss you'd felt with him.
Your mind raced with memories of kissed cheeks and waist squeezes, all the giggly guitar lessons and failed baking sessions, every single time he'd run you a bath and the reassuring hums he'd give when you'd go into a particularly long rant about a coworker or a show you liked. Every moment that had occurred, every gesture he'd performed had swept you off of your feet and shaped you into a new person. His presence calmed you, his smile grounded you, his love made you complete. Ashton truly was the love of your life and it was moments like these that made you believe it even more.
"Hey, you okay? You look a little dazed" his voice came from the doorway, snapping you out of your reminiscent state.
"oh, yeah, fine," you replied, turning your head to see the small smile that played on his lips, "just thinking about some things, is the bath ready?"
"almost, did you want lavender bubble bath in it or chamomile? I know they both help you relax, we could light some candles as well if you'd like?"
"lavender please, we can leave the candles for another day, just wanna lay down with my man and have a nice soak tonight." you responded with a smile, making your way over to him.
He pulled you to his chest as soon as you were in arm's reach, kissing the top of your head and leading you over to the bath. He told you to get undressed whilst he poured on the bubbles, helping you get your socks off once he'd finished.
"I'm gonna miss you on tour you know, but I can't wait for our late night phone conversations like we used to have" Ash broke the silence, rubbing your arms and speaking into your neck.
"mmmm, me too, can't wait to see you performing again, you always looks happiest when you're on stage, makes me so happy"
"yeah? love when you're happy, love performing too, can't wait until you come to a show baby, you're gonna love it"
You truly did love to see him happy, it was another thing that made you realise how much you adored the man. When he was on stage, in his element, passion oozing out of him, it always hit you how lucky you were to have him, no matter how many times you'd seen him perform. You loved him, right down to your core, deeply and wholeheartedly.
some of you might know that my blog got deleted yesterday and i’ve been trying to repost some of my works and all that jazz, and that includes this!
i read too much fanfiction, which I know is a very true statement. lately i’ve discovered that i have collected a large list of recommendations. please enjoy and please hype up these wonderful authors. i have organized the fics according to band member and poly!ship. there are tags at the top for the doc that can help you navigate to certain genres and niches. if you’re on desktop, there are key words listed that you can easily ctrl + f. please please please let me know if you find this doc helpful by reblogging this post.
i just really want to show my appreciation for some of my favorite writers and this was the best way to do that. i will be reblogging this at a later date with a list of featured blogs.
Ashton gets stressed easily, he does his best not to show anyone but with you it’s different. At the end of the day, Ashton was always excited to come home and see you. Ashton has never been afraid to be vulnerable with you and you with him. You both knew each other like the back of your hand. Ashton was never afraid to tell you anything because he was sure you would always love him no matter what.
Michael
Michael was more sensitive than he led on. He liked to be alone often. He wanted to play games, listen to music or do anything while being alone, however, you are the exception. Every time Michael would pull away from life and want to hide away from his responsibilities, he would always bring you with him. He couldn’t imagine being without you even when he wanted to be as far away from people as possible.
Calum
Calum liked to be independent at times but other times he loved having you depend on him and him on you. He loved coming home and knowing you were going to be waiting for him. He knew he could always come home and lean on you when things get rough. You could always look at him and immediately know what he needs when he came home. Calum could never tell you enough how much you mean to him.
Luke
Luke is much more transparent with everyone about how much he needs you. If he has a bad day, he’ll call you. If he’s having a great day, he’ll call you. He loves to see you no matter what he’s feeling. He loves knowing that no matter how he’s feeling, good or bad you can always make him feel even better with just a simple conversation.
Author's Note: This picture is incredible. And I thought of this idea while talking to @galcalirwin ! I hope you guys like it 🥺
"I can't believe I'm the only one single in this friend group," you sigh as you and your girlfriend's drive-in downtown LA. You glance out the window as a hand lands on your shoulder.
"You're not the only one! Ash is single too," Bri states and you look towards her, a knowing smirk on her lips. You roll your eyes, fiddling with your phone.
"Wait, what? I thought he was dating that chick?" You ask, your eyes wide as you glance towards the other two girls.
Bri shakes her head, adjusting the hat on her head. "Nope. They broke up like four weeks ago," she informs you and you frown slightly.
"He didn't tell me that," you mumble quietly and the phone in your hand vibrates. Speak of the devil.
Hey! You girls get back yet?
"Maybe he hasn't found the right time to tell you?" Jess questions as you type quickly on your phone, responding to Ashton.
Driving through downtown LA as we speak. About 20 minutes until we get to Mike's.
"Yeah, maybe. How'd you find out?" You ask Bri and she gives you a look. "Calum?" You giggle and the brunette nods her head, a laugh leaving her lips.
"Of course I heard it from Cal! That man can't keep shit from me," Bri laughs and you shake your head, glancing back out the window.
Your phone vibrates again and you look down at it, smiling softly at the text Ashton sent.
Fuck, I can't wait to see you. Now I know how it feels when I go on tour lmao
Lmfao ah, yes. A taste of your own medicine! I can't wait to see you either.
"Who are you texting?" Bri asks and leans towards you, looking at the texts between you and Ashton. You scoff and turn your phone off, looking at her in disbelief.
"You're fucking nosy!" You laugh and she laughs with you, wiggling her eyebrows.
"We be flirtin' with Mr. Irwin are we?" She questions, loudly, and the other girls hear her.
You blush heavily, and you can feel the other two's eyes on me as Steff stops at a stop sign. "I-What? No! No!" You defend as they all give you a knowing look. "I'm not! He was just asking me if we were home yet."
"And then they both said they can't wait to see each other!" Bri cuts in and you slap her arm, feeling your cheeks on fire.
"Can we not do this?!" You groan and hide your face in your hands. Bri pats your back as Steff pulls into her and Michael's driveway, Michael's car not insight.
"Guess we beat them here," Steff mentions and opens the garage door before pulling her car into it.
You four get out of the car, grabbing your bags from the trunk before heading inside. You set your bag on the couch when your phone goes off and you pull it out of your back pocket to see Ashton had sent you a picture.
Your heart melts a bit at the picture, seeing the dimples indented in his cheeks. You read over the text he sent with it and you bring your lip between your teeth.
Five minutes until I see your gorgeous face!
You couldn't hold the giggle in any longer and you bring up the camera app, taking a quick selfie with your tongue sticking out before sending it to him.
You've seen my face all week. We've been snap chatting with each other almost every day!
That's nothing compared to the real thing!
"Y/N! C'mon, we're gonna wait outside!" Jess's voice calls out and you slide your phone into your back pocket after sending Ash a smile and heart emoji before heading out the front door.
Steff puts out a couple of chairs before sitting in one, Bri and Jess sitting beside her. You grab a seat next to Bri, looking up at the sky to enjoy the lovely California sun. "So," Steff begins and you glance towards her, her eyes set on you, "do you have a thing for Ash?" She asks and your lips part, hoping this conversation wouldn't have come up again.
"I…" you trail off, thinking about your answer when Michael's car backs up into the driveway. Your heart beats in your chest as one of the back doors open, Ashton climbing out of the Tesla.
You grin widely and spring up from your chair, heading towards him. The black-haired man's eyes light up at the sight of you and wrap his arms around your shoulders as soon as you make it over to him. You inhale his vanilla scent, melting a bit into his chest as your arms wrap around his torso.
"Hi, beautiful," he mumbles into your hair, swaying with you a bit as giggles leave his lips. "Did you have fun in Vegas?"
You smile when you pull away from him, looking up at him. "I did. We had a fancy-ass hotel room. It was cool. I wish you guys could've been there though," you admit and Ashton smiles.
"Yeah, it would've been cool. I've never been to Vegas with you. We'll have to go the next time we get another vacation," he mentions and you agree with him.
-
You and the girls just got back to the Bellagio Hotel, most of you feeling pretty good while Jess decided she was going to be soberer than the rest of you. Just in case something were to happen. You all said goodnight and I love you to each other before going to our separate rooms.
You giggle as you stumble into your giant room, slipping the leather jacket off of your shoulders. The leather jacket Ashton bought you for your birthday. You look at yourself in the giant mirror that's near the bathroom, admiring how you look in the outfit you chose to wear.
Fishnet stockings cling to your legs with a leather skirt that barely covers your ass cheeks, paired with a nude lace bodysuit from Victoria's Secret. It's a bit skimpy but it's Vegas. You were single. You were infatuated with a man who lived in LA but single nonetheless.
You fluff your hair around, grinning to yourself as you thought of an idea. You pull your phone out from your leather jacket's pocket, opening up the camera before taking a small photoshoot.
You face your back towards the mirror, seeing the small peek of your ass cheeks hanging out as you look into the mirror and bite the tip of your finger. You couldn't help but giggle, shaking your head as you look at the picture you just took.
You were happy how it turned out before deciding to take it up a notch. You set your phone on the dresser before unzipping your skirt, tossing it to the side. You tilt your head as you look into the mirror, only having the bodysuit on and your stockings. You kneel on the floor and face the wall, the side of your bare ass facing the mirror. You snap another photo before bringing up Ashton's contact, attaching the two photos that you took.
Wish you were here… 😋😘
You sent the photos and got up from the floor, beginning to undress the rest of your clothes to change into your sleep shirt.
Ashton was hanging out with Calum when his phone went off, his hazel eyes moving away from the movie they were watching to check the notification. He smiles softly when he sees your name, picking up the device from the arm of the couch.
His breath hitches in his throat when he opens the text, the two sexy pictures he received staring him in the face. "Holy shit…" he mutters quietly and tilts his head, admiring your body. He adjusts himself in his sweats and licks his lips before whispering, "wish you were here. Y-Yeah, I wish I was too."
"Who is it?" Calum asks and the black-haired man looks over at his best friend.
"It's Y/N," Ash mumbles and looks back down at his phone, saving the two pictures to his phone. "She… I'm gonna say she's feeling pretty good."
Calum lets out a laugh and looks towards his friend. "Why do you say that?"
"She, uh, sent me sexy pictures," Ashton clears his throat, feeling his cheeks grow warm. Calum's eyes went wide and mumble a "no way". "Yeah, I'm just as shocked as you are."
Cal pauses the movie and shifts in his seat so he's facing Ashton. "So, what are you feeling? Do you… do you like her?" He asks and Ashton furrows his brows together.
"I don't know. I mean, she's gorgeous. No doubt about it and she's an amazing person. So amazing. But, I just don't think she'd go for me," Ash mentions and runs his hand through his hair.
"I mean… she's gotta feel something if she sent you those, right?" Cal questions and Ashton shrugs his shoulders.
"I'll ask her about it when she gets back. Maybe she meant to text someone else," he mutters and locks his phone, setting it back on the arm of the couch.
-
Everyone went out to Michael's backyard to chill by the pool and spa. You put your swimsuit on before heading into the kitchen to grab yourself a drink. You grab ahold of a wine cooler when Ashton's voice echoes off the walls in the kitchen. "So-"
You jump, placing a hand over your heart and glances over your shoulder. "Jesus, Ash," you mutter and let out a breath of air. "I thought you were outside already."
Ashton chuckles and shakes his head, leaning against the counter. "No, I actually wanted to talk to you about something," he mentions and you nod your head slowly.
Finally. He's gonna tell me about him and his ex breaking up. "What is it?" You ask while opening your wine cooler, taking a quick sip of it.
"Are you gonna explain the pictures you sent me?" He asks with raised eyebrows and your heart drops in your chest. The bottle you were holding onto slips from your grasp and falls to the floor, shattering on impact. "Shit, Y/N!"
Ashton rushes to grab some paper towels to soak up the blue liquid. "I-I'm sorry," you apologize. For dropping the bottle and sending him almost private pictures of yourself. "I-I was a bit tipsy and didn't know what I was doing."
The black-haired cutie looks up at you, his hazel eyes shining after he soaks up all of the liquid. "Hey, it's alright. I didn't say I was upset about it," he reassures you and you stare down at him in shock.
"You're not?" You whisper and he shakes his head, smiling softly.
"No, of course not. You… you looked great," Ash blushes and you let out a breathy laugh, feeling your own cheeks heat up.
He grabs a broom, sweeping the glass away from your feet. You stare at him the whole time, admiring his features. "Did you really think I looked great?" You ask him and Ashton glances back at you, throwing out some of the broken glass.
"Oh, hell yeah. I was quite shocked honestly. You were never the one to… show so much skin," he admits and you nod your head.
"I just wanted to try something different. Be more confident in me. I mean, wearing this right now can be difficult for me," you motion towards the two-piece and Ash lets his eyes roam down your figure.
"You look good. You always did. Whether you were wearing baggy clothes or dressy clothes," he tells you with a smile and you couldn't help but smile back at him, your heart fluttering in your chest. "C'mon, let's get out of this spot."
You nod your head and take a big step, getting away from the spot. Ashton finishes cleaning up the rest of the broken glass as you gathered the all-purpose cleaner, so the floor doesn't get sticky. "Thanks, Ash," you mumble to him while spraying the floor, wiping it up with some paper towels.
Ashton runs his hands through your hair, smiling down at you. "It's not a problem, love. What are friends for," he states and your stomach churns a bit. Friends.
-
It's been about a week and a half since the guys posted their Carpool Karabloke video and you couldn't count the numerous times you've seen a comment about your and Ash's relationship status. You're currently out to lunch with Bri and Cal, your mind far away from the topic of conversation at hand.
"Hey, Y/N?" Your friend calls out and you snap out of your daze, looking between the two of them.
"What?! Sorry," you mumble and run your fingers through your hair.
Cal chuckles softly and leans back in his chair. "You're fine. Everything alright?" He asks and you shrug your shoulders, furrowing your eyebrows.
"For the most part," you mention and rest your chin on the palm of your hand.
Bri lets out a sigh and sets a hand on her boyfriend's arm. "It's probably about Ash," she states and Cal looks at her with a confused expression. "I'm assuming you saw the tweets?" Her question is directed towards you and you press your lips together before nodding your head.
"Wait, what tweets?" Calum asks, his brown eyes darting between you and his girl.
"Ever since the carpool video came out people have been wondering if Ash and I are together because we fucking hugged on video," you inform him and shake your head, "and he replied to one of the tweets saying that we weren't. That we were just friends."
Calum furrows his eyebrows together, drumming his fingers against the table. "Okay? So, why are-"
"She likes him you fool," Bri practically shouts and you shush her, looking around to see a few people turning their heads towards us.
"Jesus," you laugh, playfully glaring at your friend, "could you be any louder?"
She smirks and shrugs her shoulders. "Just be thankful Ashton isn't here," Bri winks and you scoff, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.
Your smile slowly diminishes as the whole situation sets in, a sigh leaving your lips. "I just… don't get it? I think he's interested in me? I mean, he didn't say he was mad about the pictures I sent him in Vegas. He said I looked great. That has to mean something right?" You ask the two of them and Calum nods his head as Bri just stares at you in shock.
"Hold up. You sent him pictures? What kind of pictures?" She asks with an eyebrow raised.
You blush, clearing your throat while scratching the back of your head. "She sent him sexy pictures," Cal states and Bri whips her head towards her boyfriend of two years.
"Excuse me? And how do you know?" She asks him and the man glances towards his girl, brown eyes wide.
"We were hanging out when he told me! I didn't see them, I swear!" He pleads and you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "I love you."
"Mhm. You fuckin' better," Bri mumbles, looking back at you and asks, "can I see the pictures?"
You nod your head and pull up the photos before facing the phone towards her. Bri pushes Cal's head away and leans down to look at the two pictures you sent Ash a few weeks ago.
"They're cute. Very sexy for sure!" She states and you bring your phone back to you, seeing a notification from Twitter.
@ilovecalum: @ashton5sos are you and the woman in the Carpool video dating?! That hug looked special as fuck!
@ashton5sos: no, no! She and I are really good friends 🖤
You swallow the lump in your throat as you don't know how many more of these types of tweets you can handle seeing. You can feel tears pool in your eyes, taking a deep breath before standing up from the chair.
"I, uhm, I gotta go. I'll see you guys later," you mumble to your two friends and walk away before they have a chance to stop you.
Bri watches you leave, a sad expression on her face as her heart breaks for you. "Doesn't he realize that he's hurting her?!" She asks her boyfriend and Cal sighs, shrugging his shoulders.
"I don't know, babe," he starts and drapes his arm across her shoulders. "He's pretty oblivious when it comes to this kind of stuff."
Bri sighs, relaxing into Cal's touch as she thought of a way to get him to see how you really feel about him. One way or another.
-
"Ashton motherfUCKING Irwin!" Bri yells while storming into the drummer's place. You furrow your brows at your best friend, seeing her tilt her head towards the back door. "Outside, now!"
You glance back at Ash, seeing his hazel eyes wide with a bit of fear swimming in them. You gently move your legs off his lap, giving him a small smile as he rubs your leg for a quick second before getting up.
"If I'm not back in five minutes… save me," he giggles before heading towards the sliding door. You chuckle and nod your head, watching him leave the house.
"What the fuck just happened?" You ask Cal and he lets out a noise, shaking his head while flailing his arms.
"I've got no idea. You know how she is," he states and you laugh, nodding your head while muttering you right.
Ashton stands outside, rubbing his palms along his ripped jeans. "So, what's up?" He asks nervously, seeing the menace look in his friend's eye.
"What's up?! What's up is that you're making Y/N cry!" She almost yells and Ash furrows his eyebrows before glancing into the house, seeing you laughing with Cal.
"She's… she's not crying?" He questions and points into the house.
Bri lets out a groan and presses her fingertips to her forehead. "Not now, dumbass. Yesterday. You made her cry yesterday while the three of us were at lunch," she explains and Ash's heart drops. He was about to ask what she meant but she pulls out her phone, cutting him off by showing him a tweet he made yesterday. "This. This made her upset."
"Wha-Why?"
"Because she loves you!"
Ashton furrows his eyebrows and pushes some of his hair out of his face. "I know that she does. I love her too," he tells her, a breathy chuckle leaving his lips.
"No, no, no. She loves you, Ash. Seeing you tweet out that there's basically no hope for the two of you is hurting her more than you think," the short brunette exclaims and Ashton's lips part in surprise, looking back into the house at you. "Don't you love her back?"
The drummer swallows hard, keeping his eyes on you as your figure turns to face him and his eyes meet yours. A smile comes to your lips and you give him a small wave. "I-I… I do. I think I always have. Guess I didn't realize it," he mutters and Bri lets out a sigh of relief.
"Good. Otherwise, I would've had to kick your ass," she laughs and Ashton giggles as well. "Now… go get her!"
He nods his head and once again wipes the palm of his hands on his jeans, his nerves becoming more apparent. Bri walks into the house first, heading towards the couch and sits down next to her man.
"Uh, Y/N?" Ash calls out and you whip your head around, seeing him still standing by the back door. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" He asks and motions his head towards the sliding door.
You gulp and nod your head, pushing yourself off the couch. You glance towards Bri and she smirks at you while you head towards your best friend. "What's up?" You ask and Ashton leads you outside before shutting the door behind him. "Ash?"
Ashton's heart races as your hand land on his arm, squeezing gently while you look up at him. Fuck it. He places his hands on your cheeks and leans forward to connect your lips with his. Your eyes are wide as you fist his shirt in your hands, letting them flutter shut. You melt into the kiss, not believing this is happening as you kiss him back.
One of your hands moves to the back of his neck, your fingers carding into his black hair. Ashton glides his hands down your sides, squeezing your hips as he presses you against him. You pull away from him after a bit, breathing heavily as Ash presses his forehead against yours. "I… what…"
"Do you wanna go out with me?" He asks and your breath hitches in your throat, looking up at him through your lashes.
"A-A-Really?" You whisper and he grins, his dimple indenting his cheek and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.
"Yeah, really. I… I didn't really tell you much about my ex because I was using her to try and get over you. It didn't go well, obviously. I'm sorry if I hurt you and didn't see it," he explains and your heart flutters, closing your eyes while letting out a breath.
"It's okay. It's okay," you mumble and stroke his cheekbone with your thumb. "I guess we were both a little stubborn to see what was in front of us."
Ashton lets out a laugh and nods his head, pressing a quick kiss to your lips. "Very. Better late than never though," he states and you nod, grinning like a fool as his arms wrap around your waist. "Maybe we can ditch these two and go on a date?"
You glance towards Cal and Bri, seeing them watching the two of you. Bri gives you a thumbs up and you let out a laugh before looking up at Ash. "That sounds great, Ash."
