#ask blitzø

[ask-stolas-and-blitz]

Stolas and Blitzø just had an argument, and Blitzø is now out of Stolas castle. He drives home crying.

Blitzø: I'm an idiot

At the same time, Stolas is in the castle, drowning himself in alchool.

Stolas: I'm an idiot

[ask-the-devils-bastard]

Well Stolas is gonna be freaking out.

Blitzø: Hey! Stolas! Sorry I- Huh? No, you're not late- N- Wait, did you just... You don't know how to set an alarm, do you? (mumbles) Of fuckin' course you don't. Why would you know how to set a damn alarm? (normally) What? N-no, I didn't say anything!

[Fizz and Ozzie exchange identical smirks.]

Blitzø: Look, I ended up staying out a little later than I meant to and- No. No, would you just- STOLAS! Shut up and let me finish, please!?

Fizzarolli: Someone's sleeping on the couch at this rate.

Blitzø: Hey, fuck you! I'm not kicking Stolas out of his bed just because he's being a little bitchy!

Fizzarolli: ???

Asmodeus: ???

Blitzø, into the phone: Look, just call Mox and Mills and have them pick you up, 'kay? And, uh, tell them they might have to handle the hits for a few weeks without me, 'cause... I might be out of commission for... a while.

[arcthie]

Oh Blitzy~ I just love his human design 

[ask-stolas-and-blitz]

Stolas, Blitzø, what happened?

Blitzø: *crying* He wanted to give me the crystal and I misunderstood everything. As always

Stolas: *passed out from drinking too much alchool*

[ask-the-devils-bastard]

=_= *Trying to track the logic.* Off the cliff... onto the roof?

How?

Beelzebub: I think this is yours, lil' dude.

[She hands him the Asmodean crystal. The slot on the back of Blitzø glove - also shed and placed on the coffee table while Charlie helps to splint his arm - is empty, upon further inspection.]

Blitzø: Oh thank fuck. Thought maybe that went off the cliff too.

Fizzarolli: Blitzø, what exactly happened?

Blitzø: Well, I found Striker. And he had a hostage. Lil' bug-eyed maid. I was just gonna shoot him through her, but Rudolph took exception to that.

Charlie: Oh, Alastor...

Blitzø: You ever see Solas go all demon? This guy's shadow does the same thing and he sics it on me right as I go for the kill shot. And I kinda... Okay, I did not panic, you got that Fizz? I was just a little... turned around for a second. In the air. While falling into a pit of spiked rocks.

Fizzarolli: Sure.

Blitzø: And this bitch-

[He gestures to the crystal.]

Blitzø: -doesn't wanna cooperate!

Asmodeus: You gotta treat them gently. It ain't about brute force!

Blitzø: Yeah well, I made it work, didn't I? ...I mean, I mostly did. I was aiming for the top of the cliff, but IIIIIIII... missed. Dropped a good ten feet onto the roof and don't remember much after that.

Satan: A likely story.

Fizzarolli: Sir...

Blitzø: Oh, you got something to say?

Satan, ignoring him: Your Highness, this imp is as insubordinate as they come. And he has a particular disrespect towards royal authority. You can't trust a word out of his lying mouth.

Beelzebub: Oh stuff it, Sae.

Asmodeus: Blitzø has been a good friend to my Fizz. I trust him.

Blitzø: YEAH WELL I- Wait, what?

[Charlie finishes tying his sling, then places a gentle hand on his shoulder.]

Charlie: Please, continue Mr. Blitzø?

Blitzø: ...Well, that's really about it. I woke up and the crystal was lying next to me, but when I tried to grab it...

[He winces at the memory.]

Blitzø: That's when I found out this happened. Accidentally whacked the crystal off the side of the roof while I was trying to keep my bones inside my skin and for a second thought it was gone for good. I was gonna try and see if I stood a chance of climbing down with one arm and one leg and teeth before this bitch found me.

Beelzebub: You're welcome.

Charlie: Well... How about before that? Can you tell us more about what happened between the assassin and Alastor?

Blitzø: Wh- Oh, the red guy everyone's into?

Charlie: ...Is everybody into him?

[ask-the-devils-bastard]

How's the mission going Blitz?

Blitzø, dangling upside down from a black tentacle wrapped around his leg: Oh, I'm doing fine and fucking dandy!

[He is pointing his flintlock straight at Alastor's face. Alastor's grin widens.]

Alastor: Now, before I bash your fucking brains in, would you be so kind as to tell me where you hid my associate?

Blitzø: I don't have your- Wait, is this about that maid!?

Alastor: Ah, so you do know her!

Blitzø: NO! Fuck- Look, you freaky red vamp! We're both after the same fuckin' guy! Some ghost- Oh shit!

[He adjusts the angle of his gun ever so slightly and fires straight into the throat of the shark-like Sinner looming behind Alastor with a knife. Alastor barely turns his head, expression not changing as the bod slumps down beside him.]

Blitzø: HAH! There, see? Fuckin' told ya!

Alastor: Hm. Well, this makes things a bit more interesting then, doesn't it?

Blitzø: Yeah, sure. Hey, you gonna put me down now or whaaaaaaaaat!!!

[The tentacle holding Blitzø shifts and then snaps forward, flinging him towards the rest of the muggers. Blitzø is disoriented for all of two seconds before righting himself in the air, pulling a second gun, and taking out two more before his feet touch the ground. More shadows rise from the ground to impale another two.]

[Out front, a Sinner licks her lips as she reaches for a muffuleta sandwich on a platter held by a poppet. Suddenly, the poppet begins to shudder and then shake violently, then explodes into inky black blobs, plowing the tray right into the woman's face so hard her stunned expression is stamped into the metal.]

[ask-the-devils-bastard]

Blitz, if it was one of your employees and someone said theyd shoot through them, youd be mad too right? I imagine youd have done worse than push someone off a cliff.

(Also call Stolas if u can hes probably worried sick!!)

Blitzø: Oh, shit, Stolas!

Charlie: Hey! Careful, careful!

[Blitzø scrambles for his phone with his free hand, jostling his broken arm in the process. He winces but is more invested in his phone.]

Blitzø: Wow, you did call me a buncha times!

Fizzarolli: You told me you were going after an assassin and then vanished into thin air. Sue me for being worried.

Blitzø: You looooooove me. You wanna kiiiiiiiiss me.

Fizzarolli: Right now I wanna slap the shit out of you, but I don't bully injured people.

[Blitzø dials and holds the phone to his ear, still smirking at Fizz.]

Blitzø: (to you) She'd a been fine. Normal weapons don't hurt- HEY! Stolas!

[ask-the-devils-bastard]

Blitz!!! Good job on not dying! Here (materializes a tiny horse figurine that has a flag with a smiley face drawn on it)

Blitzø: (groans) That's me, I'm a fucking cockroach.

[After apologizing a thousand times for breaking the last two unbroken ribs, Fizzarolli helped Blitzø over to the couch, then helped him remove his boot and roll up his pant leg before stretching his limb out over the couch cushions. Now though, he's glaring.]

Fizzarolli: Blitzø, what the fuck? I called you like a million times! Where did you go!?

Beelzebub: I found him on the roof.

Fizzarolli: The roof?

Blitzø: The roof.

Charlie: Why were you on the roof?

Blitzø: Who the fuck are you?

Charlie: Oh, hi! Charlie Morningstar, nice to meet you! Why were you on our roof, Mr...?

Blitzø: Blitzø, the 'o' is silent.

Charlie: (mouthing) Where would there be an 'o...?'

Blitzø: And I was on the roof because that jazzy red prick threw me off a cliff!