#ask bryan

[soilthesimpletruth]

Definitely one of the greatest joys of gardening is the connection you make with nature.

[agrainonthebeach]

HEY SOOOOOOO

putting myself out there is SCURRY but I want to keep doing it. I want to get to know you guys on a real level. so like let's be friends? like FRIEND friends who talk frequently and know things about each other... I'm saying this under the assumption that I haven't scared anyone (everyone) off with my Brief or not so brief life crisis I've been having lately. anyway, if you're interested we should skype sometime. drop your username or a message or your number in my inbox maybe? if you want. no pressure, you do you. 2017 THE YEAR OF CULTIVATING MANY REAL AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS

[bryanhasanswers]

Yoshimitsu! What do you think about.... that?

Hey Theromus - nice question - simply put and to the point. Yoshimitsu, what do I think about that?

Well, let’s see... the fact that he’s a cowardly little shit who uses feeble, dusty old tricks to sneak up on people instead of facing them like a man, is only the beginning of his problems. 

He turned his back on Kunimitsu and drove her out of the Manji clan. No big surprise there though. The insecure wack-job couldn’t handle the fact that she was beating them at their own game. Instead of rewarding her, they threw her out and cut her loose. And of course they did it at the worst possible time when their enemies were moving in on their hideout. She barely escaped with her life. I touched on that in my answer to this question here.

Again, he’s just some kook with a sword and some weird-ass moves. 

Okay, so let’s breakdown just what makes this clown such a goddamn joke. 

Essentially, he has these characteristics that are supposed to set him apart as some kind of super bad-ass, but when you really think about it - they’re just plain silly. I’ll list ‘em below and give you the low-down here.

FOR INSTANCE:

He can use his sword like a little propeller and float around

Bryan says: Really?! So what. He’s just hangin there like some big piñata! I could tee off on that all day long!

He can spin around on his butt real fast

Bryan says: Do I need to respond to that? I think it speaks for itself

He makes this “Choo choo” sound

Bryan says: yeah… okay - ya got me there.

He breathes this green shit and it makes you fall down

Bryan says: Fall down laughing 

His costumes are so striking

Bryan says: If “hot mess” is how you define striking then - yep - nailed it!

Everything this bozo does is just plain goofy. His dumb-ass little hop-skip-and-dance routine when he somehow actually wins a fight, all the way down to his moronic “WHEEL O’ FLAMES” that spins on his back, are just the beginning of what is wrong with this guy. Seriously, I’m amazed he can even see through all that crap he’s wearin’. 

The smartest thing Kunimitsu ever did was to ditch that whole messed up Manji clan and go solo. 

Yoshimitsu is a back-stabbin’ little dweeb. If I ever catch him. I’ll kick his rickety ass good.

[bryanhasanswers]

):p??

Theromus - it’s nice to hear from you kid. You’re a good eggand unlike most of humanity, have somehow not found a way to piss me off.

Sorry I took so long to get back to you, but I was fixin’that old ‘37 Hudson up for my neighbor. You can see the finished product here.

Okay - let’s right get to it.

So - you want to know what my favorite weapon is and when Iused it last? Well, it won’t be pretty - but here’s my answer.

My favorite weapon is ME. Yeah, that’s right kiddo - my own barefreakin’ hands. Nothing is more dangerous or effective (and if I’m bein’ honest),more satisfying to use.

Last time I had to cut loose and do some real damage wasn’tall that long ago either. It occurred immediately after my brief discussion with Jun Kazama inParis. You can read about that here.

She had just kicked me across a patio full of fancy littlegourmet diners and by the time I got back on my feet, I realized she had givenme the slip. I could hear the sirens already closing in on my location, so Ibeat it down a side alley.

I had all of my street view maps of Paris on my heads updisplay, so I was able to quickly zig-zag down the back alleys and got good andlost. Once I was sure I had ditched the cops, I stopped and looked around.

I was by an old stone walkway that ran along the Seine. Kindanice and quiet which was fine with me. I leaned on the rail wonderin’ why Junhad been so damn hostile. I mean - I know I can be kind of abrasive, butseriously… then I noticed a patch of water was bubblin’. Sorta like it wasboiling.

I stared at it - scanned it in digital then thermal - it wasthe thermal view that confirmed it. I was pickin’ up somethin’ really hot - movin’ to the surface real fast. I had abouta second to get ready then some poor, suicidal slob in a high-tech armoredpower suit, exploded out of the river and slammed into me like a friggin’torpedo!

We flew back through a brick wall into what may have been anantique, or maybe a really shitty souvenier store. We spun through that placelike a razor edged, nuclear powered tornado, pulverizing display shelves, glass counters and clothing racks to pieces.

We squared off in the ruined store and there was about two or three seconds of stillness. I could hear broken pieces of glass and debris sliding to the floor. Then the thing’s chest opened to reveal twin side-by-sideminiguns. I could just make ‘em out in the darkened store, as the light comin’in from the front window slid along the brushed metal of the barrels.

At that moment, the sunuvabitch opened up on me and thestaccato whine heralded a barrage of burning lead that caught me directly in the chest and blasted me clear acrossthe shop and out through the plate glass window into the street.

People were screamin’ and runnin’ in every direction as Ijust lay there not moving - surrounded by broken glass and pieces of cheap-assceramic Eiffel Tower replicas, berets and other touristy French bull-shit.  

Then I saw the mechanical nightmare steppin’ through the hugehole in the front of the store headin’ my way. Lemme tell ya Theromus - it took everything I had to simply lie there and not move. I wanted to draw thatsucker in… and that’s just what I did.

He it was right over me when out of each arm popped twolethal circular saws. I could hear thedick-tard who was in the armor, talkin’ all kinds of smack at me. I think it wassomethin’ like “I bring a message from Jin Kazama pathetic weakling! Time for you to die Mr.Fury!“ 

God whatta joke. But thoselittle choppers on the ends of his hands weren’t. They were buzzin’ fast and I quicklysensed they could cut through my metal superstructure like butter. They’d be a real problem if heever got a chance to use ‘em. So it was my job to make damn sure he wouldn’tget that chance.

I pulled a quick ukeme and was back on my feet in a snap. I grabbled the rat-bastard in a bear hug, pinning those buzz-saw arms at his sides.He had a one way reflective face plate and all I could see in it was thereflection of my face grinning back at me. 

I cocked my head back, then drove myforehead right through the mirror-mask shattering it to a thousand pieces. What remainedwas a doughy little face peerin’ back at me in shock. 

Then - I began to squeeze. 

All I remember was his little buttery, spittle coated lips flappin’ around, ashis face turned beet red. He was stammerin’ crap like: “Wait-wait! Please!I… I can make a deal – oh god, you… you gotta listen to me!”

Theromus - you’ve eaten crab legs before, right? You knowhow you need to crack those suckers open - then scoop out the soft, tasty meatinside? Yeah… I think you know where I’m goin’ with this.

I could hear this punk’s little armored suit strainin’ andpoppin’ as I just kept squeezin’. The dude inside had stopped beggin’ by thistime and was just gurgling and rattling as the pressure built. 

The suit was shootin’out little flames and makin’ cracklin’ sounds. Suddenly, one of the spinninblades popped off and chattered down the cobble stone street makin’ littlesparks and shit. Then I smelled the acrid stinging odor of wires melting andcircuits frying as all the internal systems began to fail. 

I laughed my ass offas the poor, dumb bastard in the suit began to shake and scream. I could smellhim cookin’ in there… It smelled like victory.

I bore down and put all my strength into it. I could hearthe his ribs crack along with the exo-suit as a fountain of blood and chunkyshit, I think it was pieces of his lungs, shot out of his mouth with a ragged, death shriek.

I wanted to finish up with a little flair, so I tore open thearmor and plunged my fists into his chest and ripped out his heart and what wasleft of his lungs. I tossed them in the air over my shoulder and went rightback in for more. I scattered that shit-heel’s spleen, liver and slimy innards all over the street. GodI love my work.

A cop rolled up on an adorable little cop scooter. Iswear  - the French - anyway, I jammed myfingers right into the eye holes of robo-boy and ripped his freakin’ head rightoff. Then without warning, I threw it right at the little police man. Hit himsquare in the chest, knocking him off of his stupid scooter.

The Vespa coasted right up to me, and I was about to hop onit and escape when I realized something. I was an adult male. No way I’d becaught dead riding one of those silly ass things. I threw the sissyfied rideinto the Seine and darted back through the demolished store and lost them in themaze of alleys and backstreets.

Yeah, I know long answer but - that’s how it went down.Thanks for the question.

[bryanhasanswers]

Favorite Weapon

Send me a “):b” to have me tell you what my favorite weapon is and the last time I used it.

[bryanhasanswers]

Strange to ask, but can you feel the sense of touch? Umm.. you are not.... human. Right? Sorry for my bad English.😥

Your English is fine Theromus, don’t sweat it. There are plenty of people I used to work with on the force that couldn’t write for crap. At least I always understand what you’re saying.

Okay - can I the feel sense of touch? Good question. While I’m a cyborg, that does not mean I’m not human. I explain the cyborg/human phenomenon here.

However, being as much machine as human, I do have some pretty unique features. One of them has to do with the sense of touch.

When Dr. Abel was slappin’ me together after the shootout that should have finished me off, he gave me a choice. Because my flesh is living tissue connected to cybernetics, he said I could either have normal feeling the way I did before the procedure, or I could have the option to “override” sensory signals. This way I could choose to disregard that ol’ bugaboo pain and only have to experience it as a stream of data.

He explained to me the pros and cons of both options. 

For instance, pain is a valuable signal that tells us to stop doing whatever it is that is causing the discomfort. It’s a warning that we are damaging ourselves. Pain is great for penetrating all the emotional bull-shit like rage or sadness to get through to our brains and grab the attention of our conscious minds. Ultimately that is what gets us to change our actions to something less destructive.

On the flip-side, pain is a total friggin’ hairy, ungrateful bitch. It can often distracts our minds from what we need to do to get the job done and makes us wuss out before we complete our crucial mission, vital task, assignment or whatever.

Naturally, I opted for a sensory optional setting. 

So I still get signals from touch, taste etc. but only if I want ‘em. I get to choose if I feel these things or just get a data read out. 

Let me tell you Theromus, this has been great, because now I can charge through anything and not feel it at all.  Of course I’ve come close to snuffin’ myself on more than one occasion. Feeling invulnerable and being invulnerable are two different things. But charging through bullets is a breeze - while they punch through my hide and make big nasty, bloody wounds, I just turn off the pain and don’t feel a thing as they zing harmlessly off my inner superstructure. 

If I felt that pain, I’d be rolling around in agony from the wounds - even though they’d be moderately superficial.

If I want to feel normal, all I gotta do is turn the tactile sense back on, and everything feels the way it did back when I was a regular guy. Even if you just tapped me lightly on the shoulder I’d know.

Thanks for the question.

[morechalk]

Little Dramas

I had a thought: pillory reality home reno shows for their sad little dramas, their false tensions amplified by quick, anxious editing and drawn unbearably tight by cutting away to the endless commercial break just as the horrible/happy truth is about to be revealed. Then I had another thought: might as well pillory ordinary life.