#ask contractee

[askthesonnellin0s]

[Gets a Contractee plushie outta nowhere]

Mine now ahshahsahshjqhhahwahahahahahahahahahahahah! [Runs away] (OOC: Contractee looks cool holy fuck- Also i'm sick asf wish me luck)

[Contractee stares at the plush and frog blinks.. he then gets excited as hell]

OH. MY. GOD!!! IS THAT A PLUSHIE OF ME?! ITS SO CUTE!!! OMG!!

[He then watches as they run away]

Wha- HEY! COME BACK, I WANNA SEE IT!!!!!!!

[He starts to chase after them]

[mafiosoandthegang]

This is Mafioso...

Welcome. You’ve reached the right place.

I’ll be answering questions here during my free time. You’re free to ask me or any of the mafialings — just know that all messages are screened by Consigliere.

He’s watching closely, so I expect you to behave.

You’ve been warned...

Rules:

1. Be respectful.

Consigliere is monitoring all messages. He has no patience for nonsense, and neither do I.

2. No NSFW.

This blog is safe for work. Keep your questions clean — or you'll be quietly removed from the premises.

3. You may ask anyone.

I’ll answer when I can, but the mafialings are available too. Ask at your own risk — especially with Contractee...

4. No spam or repeated asks.

Consigliere doesn’t like clutter. If you flood the inbox, your messages will disappear… permanently.

5. You can ask anything, but how we answer is another story.

Some of us lie. Some overshare. Some stare in silence until you regret asking. Proceed accordingly.

6. Hate, harassment, or bigotry will not be tolerated.

You’ll be silenced, blocked, and blacklisted faster than Soldier can load a magazine.

7. Please be patient.

Replies come when there’s time. This isn’t a full-time operation — we have... other jobs.

(more under the cut)

Meet the Gang:

🐰 Mafioso: ✅

"...Mafioso. I run this operation. Keep your questions brief. And no — I don’t need help tying my tie."

(He does.)

🪖 Soldier: ✅

"Soldier. I handle protection, cleanup, and Contractee's dumb decisions. Don’t touch my coffee. Or my rabbit."

(The rabbit is named Civetta.)

💪 Caporegime: ✅

"I'm Caporegime, muscle and morale. If you hear yelling, it's either me or Contractee. Either way, I’m right."

(He is not always right.)

📋 Consigliere: ✅

"Consigliere. I track our assets and manage information. This blog is under surveillance. Be polite."

(He means it.)

😋 Contractee: ❌

"Hi!!! I'm Contractee! I do crimes, eat snacks, and cause minor emotional disasters. You’ll love me!!"

(He is banned from the official reports.)

(This is a side blog based on my PizzaDebt Oneshots 🍕💰 AU, created by me — garlicbreadwithcheese on AO3 and Tumblr.)

You can read support my oneshots series [here]

[mafiosoandthegang]

Hi!!!! Happyfoulchild here!! Just here to drop Rosetta off! Just call me foul. (My blog's OC)

-*Rosetta steps out from behind Foul, her bunny held by her, as she goes over to Contractee, her sitting next to him again*-

Sorry if she invades your space a bit! She...doesn't see many people daily..

(OoC, and for mod: Yes ,I still have to draw Foul, its gonna take so long-🙏💔)

Mafioso: I— WHAT— You can’t just drop off a kid like this!! This is not a— a babysitting establishment, this is organized crime!! We have guns! We have contracts! We have—

gestures wildly at the building

—NOTHING child-appropriate!!

Contractee (from the background): holding Rosetta upside down like she’s an airplane Hey look, she’s flying!

Mafioso: CONTRACTEE— PUT HER DOWN BEFORE SHE BREAKS SOMETHING— OR YOU DO—

Rosetta: laughing We’re pirates now!!

Contractee: Yarr. Fear us.

Mafioso: NO. NO PIRATES. NO FEAR. NO— WHATEVER THIS IS. There are paperwork protocols for this kind of thing, I think!! Who even— who even authorizes—

turns to Foul, absolutely fuming

You can’t just hand us a small, living human and say ‘good luck!’ What do you expect me to do, enroll her in crime preschool?!

Contractee: now letting Rosetta put her bunny on his head She’s got good leadership instincts though.

Mafioso: THAT’S NOT— rubs temples furiously —THAT’S NOT A COMPLIMENT!

[mafiosoandthegang]

contractee is it true that you’re dumb as rocks

Contractee: 🤯👉😭☝️🤓😔🫩🫂🫶🥺🤤🎮🥹🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

[mafiosoandthegang]

What would you guys think if Paperboy came out as genderfluid nonbinary and changed his name.

Mafioso: We don't judge here. Everyone is equal.

Contractee: I SUPPORT ♥️🧡💛💚💙💜

[mafiosoandthegang]

Hey uh, whenever Contractee comes back could you pass them this link? I found another song that's pretty joyous!!! ＼(^-^)／

https://youtu.be/3AgveSlcT0E?si=NJofOWYzlx3fI9P6

Have a good one!!!(⌒‐⌒)

-Friendship anon

Contractee: OMG OMG OMG IT SOUNDS LIKE MY OWN CONTRACTEE CARTOON THEME SONG AWW IM A SUPERHERO

IM SAVING THIS ON MY PHONE–

*plays it on the speaker loudly*

🔊🔊🔊

[mafiosoandthegang]

Questions? yes. Answers? optional.

sexualities? I'm just curious (i can smell the queer from here, that's probably just Mafioso though)

favorite song artist/band?

why do you have the weapons you have?

is Mafioso's hat eatable?

is Capo bald?

what if a gubby had a gun?

Alright you asked for this anon:

1. Sexualities?

Mafioso: …I don’t label things.

(He’s gay. He just doesn’t feel like having a conversation about it unless Elliot brings it up. Then suddenly he has essays.)

Caporegime: Bisexual. Men, women, enemies. Love is war.

Consigliere: I’m… exploring.

(He is bi-curious.)

Soldier: Irrelevant.

(Aroace. Genuinely does not see the point. Would rather analyze the economic collapse of a nation-state than think about a crush.)

Contractee: PANSEXUAL WITH A CAPITAL PAN!! IF YOU’RE PRETTY OR COOL OR FUNNY I’M YOURS!! 💖💛💙

2. Favorite Music Artist/Band?

Mafioso: Anything Elliot puts on.

(He won’t admit it’s Elliot’s playlist, but he listens to it on loop. Once accidentally hummed a song in front of the mafia. They’re never letting it go.)

Caporegime: Something loud. Something that makes my blood vibrate.

(Hard rock. Punk. Heavy metal. Also anime OPs when no one’s looking.)

Consigliere: Classical. Instrumental. Lofi when I’m stressed.

(He listens to 4-hour “focus and study” playlists and would duel you if you interrupted them.)

Soldier: …Silence.

(If you play music in his presence, he would probably leave. Unless it’s opera. Nobody knows why opera is fine.)

Contractee: Y’KNOW THAT ONE SONG THAT GOES “DUN DUN—BAH!!” THAT ONE

(He means video game music, cartoon intros, chaotic hyperpop, and anything that sounds like a boss fight theme. He's bouncing the whole time.)

3. Why Do You Have the Weapon You Have?

Mafioso: …Sword. (He offers no follow-up. You get no further elaboration.)

Caporegime: They took the blades away. I get a police baton now. It’s fine. Totally fine. Not mad.

Consigliere: Fencing. I didn’t choose it, but I’m good at it. If you must weaponize trauma, at least make it elegant.

Soldier: Crowbar. It’s functional. For doors. For defense. For silence.

Contractee: I GOT A BOARD WITH A NAIL IN IT!! Her name is Spikey. They won’t give me anything else. Cowards.

4. Is Mafioso’s Hat Eatable?

Mafioso: …You can try. But you won’t survive the attempt.

5. Is Capo Bald?

Caporegime: NO. I SHAVED IT ONCE FOR A MISSION AND YOU PEOPLE NEVER FORGOT. I HAVE HAIR. I HAVE VOLUMINOUS, PERFECTLY GELLED HAIR. LOOK AT IT. LOOK.

6. What If a Gubby Had a Gun?

Mafioso: …That is a cursed phrase. That’s a horror movie. That’s a war crime waiting to happen.

No. Absolutely not. Burn the forest. Salt the earth. Gubby cannot be armed.

[mafiosoandthegang]

i am evil anon and i shall be evil 😈😈😈😈😈 *switches all your hats around*

Contractee: NO-

Caporegrime: ...AAAAAAA—

Soldier: I feel indifferent.

Consligere: Oh. You villain.