#askhmc

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Hey, this is maybe not a request for advice, but more of a question that I'd love for you to give an answer to. What is you feelings on young love? As a young person (19) who's in a long term relationship (3 years) and wants to move forward with that relationship by moving in with my partner soon-ish. After telling our friends and parents we were met with thinly veiled mockery, "oh young love", "they're so naive" etc. This is really hurtful in many ways, yet I can see how they'd find us foolish.

As a person that was in a VERY similar scenario to you and faced many of the same patronizing comments - I hear you.

For starters, I think it’s important to empathize where these skeptics are coming from. The reality of love birthed from environments like high school is that, and I apologize if this stings, it probably won’t last. It’s a really great relationship, I am sure, but statistically speaking you probably won’t be with this person in 5 years. For perspective, I wrote over 500 letters to my high school sweetheart over the course of four years with grand ideas of having her read them as a marriage proposal, and even that Notebook-esque shit did not pan out. 

They are concerned that you are blindly sprinting into territory that will get you really hurt. What would be REALLY nice is instead of patronizing you, hey maybe they could offer some practical advice to watch out for some of the pitfalls this may present. I can illustrate one major one that comes to mind.

I don’t have issues with people that commit to relationships in big ways early on in life. There’s a lot of really good stuff you learn - relationships have the ability to make you mature like no other (mostly through pain, but also through joy). The BIG thing to watch out for with young love is sacrificing too much of your individuality for the codependent comfort of a partner. You spend a little too much time developing an identity with the other person, and not as much time developing yourself. Why is that a bad thing? Inevitably at some point that person will not be there for you in some way. Something is going to hurt big time, and if you haven’t been working on you, there’s no one to catch that fall.

Your family and friends probably think you have blinders on to this fact, and you very well may. But if you go into it with an attitude of, “I know that this person is not my everything in life, and they may someday not even be in my life,” then you are on a good path.

And don’t just feel that to spite them, actually harness that mindset for your own long-term well-being. It will come in handy.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Hi! What do you think about calling poly "queer?" It's controversial - some people say poly is mostly about straight cis white folks whose problems don't match up with the issues queer people face. Others say poly encompasses a lot of different things that match up with the very broad category of "queer," and the issues they face (coming out, learning to navigate new frontiers with few resources) are very similar. Thoughts?

Not really an advice question, but I’ll take a crack just to expose myself a little.

On one hand, I’m a mostly straight, cis, white male, so that sorta stops my answer at the gate in some ways. On the other hand, I coach a lot of poly folks and also lead a 400-member poly meetup group in Seattle, and as such I encounter lots of different poly.

Basic PERSONAL observations (not statistical evidence anything here):

1) Poly is just barely a majority of “white” people. My meetup group and the people I coach have some insane diversity.

2) Poly definitely is not just straight or cis. First-off, it’s an identifier that you can’t observe based on appearance, and second I don’t ask anybody those identifiers unless they want to disclose them

3) Lots of poly people I meet and coach do NOT like being open about it. Many poly folks (myself including) face are VERY stigmatized and ostracized, mostly by friends and especially by family.

4) Many poly folks seek other poly folks (meetups, social media) and poly advice (counseling, coaching, role models) constantly because the lifestyle of polyamory can feel very isolating.

5) Poly is definitely not a “middle-class” thing. The majority of poly people I know (that have disclosed careers and incomes) are quite low income. I also have met a few very “successful” affluent poly people.

These are just some reactions and thoughts off the top of my head. 

For me, queer is synonymous with “non-normative” or “something the majority might criticize you for,” and as such I identify as queer for a variety of reasons.

So yes, I believe poly falls under the umbrella term of queer.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

I fluid bonded with someone who is not my primary partner. We promised we wouldn't. I don't know what to do...we have had sex since and I didn't tell him.

Is this a repost from something someone posted in a subreddit earlier today? If this really is you, then you got the advice you need and it sounds like you are going to tell your partner.

To recap: If you have any sort of no-fluid-bonding agreement with the partner that’s in the dark, and you went against that (which if this is the same as the Reddit post, you’ve done this BEFORE already and apologized) - You majorly fucked up.

You feel bad for a reason. Even with poly, this is cheating. You are withholding information from a partner that makes him unable to consent - arguably you’re afraid because you know how negatively he’ll react (and rightfully so on his part). Worse still, you are potentially endangering your partner’s actual physical health.

You could have worked up the guts to discuss this with him, but you were afraid the answer would be no. So instead you just made the decision without his knowledge. NO NO NO. BAD. VERY BAD.

Is this salvageable? Maybe. If you’ve done this in the past, you have some serious (genuine) groveling to do. I would have a very difficult time trusting you if you repeated a same mistake twice like this. So don’t just put on the “I’m so sorry, I’ll do better” shtick. Change your fucking life. And probably anticipate a breakup.

Whatever happens, you NEED to confess. He needs to feel his emotions. You need to grow up.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

My boyfriend won't stop farting, like all the time.

Fran, I’m not sorry.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Have you ever had a long dry spell, and how did you deal with it? I'm a 23 year old guy and haven't been in a relationship or had sex in almost 2 years. It's driving my crazy and I'm starting to doubt things will ever get better.

I personally have never had a spell that long w/o romance/intimacy, no. But I have had periods of time for other circumstances where I’ve been frustratingly confused and irritated that nothing seems to be changing.

In instances like that, it’s really hard to say and live this, but you need to 1) keep trying (and maybe try different tactics) and 2) be patient when the results maybe aren’t what you want.

You didn’t go into any detail about whether or not you are actively trying to seek partners or what methods you are utilizing - if I had some of those details I could maybe give a little more specific advice. But ultimately, whatever path you’ve been traveling isn’t cutting it.

There are lots of ways to get out there and meet potential partners. I don’t really need to outline those, you have Google. But what I can do is say: DON’T GIVE UP. If this is something you really want, make a game plan. When that plan doesn’t pan out, don’t beat yourself up. Switch it up. Try again. And try again. Reflect on what worked and what didn’t. What parts felt good and natural, and which ones felt forced and disingenuous? It takes time. And energy. And resources. But if it’s what you really want, those things won’t feel like too much of a drain.

Another really good way to look at it: What landed you previous relationships and sex? And were those fulfilling? Start there. For me personally, I really only like to date people I’ve had time to observe in social situations and become friends with first (with a couple exceptions). So that’s typically where I start my journey - territory I’m familiar with.

All in all, patience patience patience. Genuine, fulfilling interactions can’t be forced. And sometimes you gotta go on a lot of fucking awkward Tinder and OKCupid dates (we’re talking a ratio of like 50:1) before you find a person you can see yourself actually getting along with. So, hang in there. Don’t get disheartened. Statistically speaking, SOMETHING will pop up.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

"But then when my partner started to have feels and those weren’t really MY feels, well, all of a sudden it was just me. Partner loved me, but I saw a partner that wasn’t “us” as much anymore." How do you deal with this?

The answer is really simple but really fucking difficult as well: you gotta learn a really healthy amount of self-reliance.

There’s this term I use A LOT when I coach, and that’s DIFFERENTIATION. Without going into too much theory, it was taken from cell biology and applied to family therapy by a guy named Bowen (later put into decent practice by a therapist named Schnarch in the book Passionate Marriage, the title is a bit narrow but it’s good stuff). In essence, think about the cells that make up your body. They are all independent and have super distinct functions - brain cells, bone cells, muscle cells, etc. And yet you can’t have one without having them all. At once you have dependence/cohesion/fusion existing simultaneously with independence/autonomy/self-reliance.

Humans generally like to either think about 1) themselves or 2) other persons/who they are in relation those persons. It tends to be very black or white. Differentiation tries to find that middle ground. It’s acknowledging that you want to be connected to other human beings and the pain that involves, while simultaneously being able to depend on yourself and the pain THAT involves.

In real-life practice: get good at understanding who you are 1) by yourself and 2) in relation to other people. Find that middle ground. It means figuring out what you ACTUALLY NEED from someone (and explicitly telling them that) vs what you want from them, and also who you would be if everyone on the planet disappeared tomorrow (how would you fill your day-to-day in solo post-apocalypse maybe, I dunno).

Understanding differentiation is a really maturing process. And it might mean the partner (and relationship dynamic) that you opened up with changes pretty drastically. If that’s scary to you, you gotta be honest about that and process accordingly. As much as your partner loves you, at the end of the day they can’t fix your shit for you. That’s up to you.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Hi, sorry to bother you. I feel like a hot mess. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm meant to be poly. I sometimes feel jealous and say the wrong thing and hurt my partners unintentionally. I read more than two and the ethical slut and love my relationships, but sometimes feel like I'm not cut out for this. The other day my partner took her partner on a trip and instead of feeling happy... I felt envious and hurt. Now I just feel like a bad person for not being happy for them. any advice?

Well, I’m not gonna lie. This is all really vague. Maybe resubmit with more details, or if this is truly something you are struggling with and need some help with please visit my site and fill out a consultation request.

That being said, I’ll address a couple things.

First, simply being poly doesn’t mean feelings of jealousy or envy go away. Even the most “advanced” of poly people are still going to encounter these feelings. Basic piece of advice is: it’s OK to feel them. What’s NOT OK is overreacting to them - like taking those feelings out on partners, limiting their lives, etc. If you are REALLY having a hard time at this - ask for some time to process, BUT that time can’t last forever. You either need to find ways to manage (and ideally eliminate) that jealousy and envy, or realize you maybe aren’t cut out for poly and move on to a future with a partner that feels the same.

Reading the literature is difficult. A lot of folks will point you toward it assuming it will fix all of your problems. For some people, reading about ethical poly practices helps. For others, you end up wanting to scream because you just aren’t feeling like you currently are nor never will be what the books are describing. Again, that’s OK. Poly books are written by people that went through a lot of the same shit you did to reach that place. If More Than Two is pissing you off because they seem so perfect and you are not, try reading The Game Changer. It’s written by one of the same authors, but is an autobiography that shows all the fuck-ups he made that led him to writing More Than Two.

As for the trip, I dunno. Have you explored why it’s hurting you? Do you want to be there with them? Do you miss your partner’s company? Are you worried they are having more fun together than with you? These are questions you need to be able to ask yourself to get at the root of why you feel “bad”. When you figure that out, then you can start assessing and communicating with your partner if those fears are actually real or not. Then, ideally, you can realize that your partner is just happy and still wants you in their lives no matter how important the other partner and their trip together is/was.

So yeah, not a lot of details but those are just thoughts that come to mind. It’s OK to be insecure about this process, but you also need to be responsible for figuring out why you are feeling these things. Otherwise you’re just going to keep having a bad time and poly is going to leave a really bad taste in your mouth.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

My boyfriend is cute and it's distracting me at work what can I do?!

Glad to see my girlfriend is taking my advice column seriously. T_T