Hot Mess Coach

Life and relationship help for all you lovely Poly/Kink/Queer folx ... www.hotmesscoach.com  ... I do personal coaching, and the raddest thing about that is you literally pay what you want

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Living with someone who has BPD is fucking hard.

I should preface this by saying that I have no formal research or accreditation on the topic of mental health, just the 5+ years experience of being in a relationship with my partner. Who has BPD.

A very important thing to say before I go into this venting session is: people who have BPD, or any personality disorder for that matter, are not bad people. In fact, more often than not people with BPD are awesome in so many ways, otherwise I wouldn’t have married one of them. They can do very bad things, but it really is a case of “they know not what they do” sometimes. People with undiagnosed BPD truly are doing what they believe to be rational. It’s how they’ve functioned in life up until this point, and you can’t really fault someone for being blind to something they absolutely are unable to see.

The sinister and destructive power of BPD lies within how incredible fucking sneaky it is. It slowly disrupts your life over a long period of time and just kinda leaves you scratching your head like, “wtf why does this suck so much?” In my opinion, it’s not as apparent as mood disorders like depression and anxiety where we know the brain isn’t balancing things quite the way it should and in turn that really affects things in day-to-day life. Personality disorders are a whole fucking beast of their own. The nature of personality disorders vs something like mood disorders isn’t like, “Oh, your brain isn’t doing what it’s supposed to do, here’s a pill for that!” but rather the much more difficult, “The way you know how to go about life is actually kinda destructive and you literally really don’t realize it, p.s. we don’t have a pill for it we just put you in an intensive brain re-training program.”

Sometimes personality disorders are super apparent. If someone has “low-functioning” personality disorder, it shows. Those examples can be pretty chaotic and destructive. But a lot of folks with personality disorders go under the radar for a long time. 

Sure, your kid is always in their own little world and doesn’t really understand the severity and consequences of life, but certainly they don’t have schizoid PD. 

Sure, your mom thinks really highly of herself and pressures you with high standards a lot, but she’s doesn’t have narcissistic PD. 

Yeah, your partner can be needy as hell at times and it sorta makes your life hell, but of course they don’t have dependent PD.

(I don’t know much about the above disorders - I’m assuming/generalizing to make a point.)

Personality disorders, especially the high functioning cases of Borderline such as my partner, can fly under the radar so easily because the reality is on most days the disorder isn’t really causing any disorder. More often than not, it takes a looooooong time for a diagnosis to occur. But with time, the pain really starts to show. 

BPD does so many things when you love someone who has it. Most days you are walking on eggshells, carefully evaluating everything you are doing and saying to make certain it won’t trigger your partner. To make matters with BPD worse, you can’t really even talk about BPD. Part of the disorder is a vehement opposition to even believe one has it, or that it’s as significant as people around them make it out to be. One other person I know with diagnosed BPD won’t seek professional help because “it makes them feel like they are crazy.” At it’s worst, BPD goes for the gun and screams “IM GONNA DO IT”. The first few times you fight it and you pry the gun away. Then you go and get the person meds for depression or anxiety. Then life is STILL really messy and you wonder, “why? didn’t we figure it out? wasn’t it X, Y, Z? why does it still hurt? why do I still feel scared?” Then you happen across a list of BPD symptoms and this little lightbulb goes off in your head. But you’re scared, because you know what you’re facing and you know what bringing it up means. All of this, it sucks. Badly. It’s life when someone you know has BPD.

The saddest thing about BPD for me, is not simply that it destroys relationships, it’s that BPD destroys relationships with most people involved not even knowing why or how it happened. In most cases, the person with BPD is unable to see how much it truly hurts people they love. There are days where I know even talking about BPD will incite a irritable BPD reaction. Similar to something like Bipolar disorder, most days the person with BPD actually goes on living a normal life, and you feel OK. You let your defenses down because “hey, I can put up with the explosions when they come, and then they’re over and back to normal life!” and then all of a sudden WHAM you fucked up again. you forgot about bpd. you did the thing. you triggered it. anger. rage. sadness. crying. on and on and on and on. You do this over and over and over, sometimes without a diagnosis. then BPD asks you “DONT LEAVE ME PLEASE” and you feel like a monster for thinking of doing so. BPD is sneaky like that. BPD makes you believe nothing might actually be wrong with the person you love until 10 years down the road when you’re a bitter shell of yourself and the relationship has absolutely no color left to it.

For many, this is the point at which they separate from their partner (or the partner with BPD separates from them) - the problem is apparent and the road to recovery is very long, and at that point many folks throw their hands in the air. I don’t fault them. BPD creates an incredibly baggage-laden history that can turn really beautiful things into really ugly ones.

I’m not doing that just yet. I still believe my partner has the power to see how serious this is and do something about it. I believe they have the power to hear these words and not get upset. I believe they can hear them and really say, “holy fuck, I’m sorry” and “I promise you, I’m owning this.” Until I lose that belief, I’ll keep hanging on. But it’s a long road.

In an effort to neither coexist with BPD’s desire to downplay the circumstances nor simply give up, I am now at a stage where I have simply said “enough” to BPD. I have emotional walls up on a constant, but not in a bad way. I now go into every day anticipating BPD instead of reacting to it when it rears its head, and that’s a difficult place to be if you’re also trying to make a relationship thrive and progress forward. In protest to BPD’s desire to say, “Hey. C’mon. I’m not that bad, I’m getting better right?” I say, “NO. YOU’RE REALLY FUCKING BAD AND I’M WATCHING YOU AND YOU BETTER SHAPE THE FUCK UP OR I AIN’T PUTTING UP WITH YOU.” That is the reality of loving someone with BPD.

I’d really love to hear from folks on this one, because if there’s anything people living with loved ones who have BPD need, it’s support. Do you know anyone with BPD? How did the process of finding out they had it go? Are they still in your life? Has anyone had success in moving past the destruction of the disorder?

[fuckyeahsexeducation]

List of Non-sexual forms of intimacy

[incapableofgivingup]

watchingtv/movies together

going to events together like carnivals, festivals etc.

going on dates like to the movies or shopping

sharing secrets

hugs

sharing drinks

phone calls

talking

touching noses

cuddling

philosophical discussions

hand holding

sharing jokes

sharing smiles

laying your head on someone’s shoulder

linking arms

massages

tickling

playing with hair

scratching backs

tracing designs on arms

talking about the future

a hand written note

moving your head to their chest and listening to their heartbeat.

singing together or playing instruments together

dancing

feeding each other

drawing/writing on one another

brushing your partners hair

sharing food

sitting knee to knee across from each other

doing beauty treatments like facials or manicures, hair dying or face masks

reading books together

take care of your partner when sick

talking about the relationship (how I feel with you, How I feel w/ this relationship)

cooking together

head-scratches

hugging

discussions about yourselves (like flaws, shortcomings, passions, stuff)

being physically/emotionally vulnerable

just sleeping together,

an actual open honest conversation

bathing and taking care of hygiene together

butterfly kisses

nuzzling

telling on-the-fly stories

meditating or sharing spirituality

grooming

sharing hobbies

studding

sharing personal stories

shaving

seeing each other without make-up or all dressed up

moral support for major events

crying, sharing emotions, comforting each other

listening to someones heartbeat or breathing

camping/hiking

sleepovers

being with animals together

going on trips together

sharing clothes/jewelry/personal items

sharing online social media

cleaning someone else’s living space

going with them to a doctor/therapist

doing art together

kissing different body parts

making out

volunteer together

work together

talking about wants and desires

experience new things together

do an extracurricular together

play games together

play sports together

walking together

being respectful and kind to one another (helping them do things, open doors for them etc.)

sharing responsibilities (chores, babysitting etc.)

giving each other presents, special things from the heart

talking about and respecting each others boundaries

public displays of affection

grooming in front of each other

wrestling or play fighting

texting/talking online

looking in each other’s eyes

complimenting each other

falling asleep over skype or chat

making faces at each other

sky watching

write poetry

inside jokes

respect each other

tell them how you feel about them

get to know each other better (playing 20 questions)

go for a ride together

close your eyes and memorise each others faces with your fingers

walk arm in arm

make a playlist together

make up your own words or slang

go out to eat

list each other’s best features

bring your faces close without touching and feel each other breath

go shopping together

throw a party or other event together

leave love notes

exercise together

exchange something meaningful

try to have a whole conversation with only eye contact and facial expressions

sit back to back and feel each other’s heartbeat

learn their favorite food and make it

run errands together

look at photos together

take photos together

go people watch

have a staring contest

learn something new together

take turns leading each other on a nature walk blindfolded

get to know each others family and friends

draw or sculpt each other

paint each other’s bodies

play with kids together

practicing a skill together

sharing food

being in comfortable clothes together

waving goodbye

being comfortable with each other’s bodily functions

any others you can think of?

[hotmesscoach-blog]

On Quitting, Harassment, and Shame

I resigned from my position as barista in Cafe Mario at Nintendo on Monday. 

It was a pretty sweet gig. Sodexo paid me quite well for being a plain ol’ coffee slinger, I got to know a lot of really awesome people, and I consider it a really formative chapter of my life. I’m not crazy broken up about it, as I was intending to leave the position shortly anyway to pursue a different path in life. I definitely wish it would’ve been on different terms than the shit-show that has been the past two weeks or so.

I decided to dip out early, which I figured would be the best option given the current atmosphere. It has been the case before that Nintendo brass doesn’t like a certain contractor for some reason or another and they just kinda disappear. One day the district manager shows up, you turn in your badge, and you don’t get to ask many questions. Given Nintendo’s risk-averse track record for handling potential PR problems, I figured I’d likely be doing them a favor. I’d much rather leave on my own terms than have to hear the bogus, "We’re not firing you, but the client has asked you to leave so we’re gonna try to find another account for you to work at." Obviously this is pure speculation on my part so no need to go kicking down Nintendo’s door, but I’d put good money on that having happened had I not been proactive about it. My managers and Sodexo were super considerate about my decision, as opposed to Alison's one day remaining of health insurance coverage and a whopping nothing else for severance when she was canned ("escorted out" would've been such a good yet touchy pun here). What's done is done, and I wish Nintendo all the best in its future endeavors.

It’s also very much worth noting that, whereas Alison was a victim of online harassment that Nintendo was dubiously able to distance themselves from, I am not. I was just walking along, living my life, and someone dug deep into it for no reason other than my proximity to Alison. I never made waves with my employer(s) before this. My private life was entirely that - private. I was harassed, alleged details about me exposed, and that led me to believe the smartest move was to resign from my job. Key fucking takeaway here: an anonymous internet harassment campaign directly targeted me for no real reason and greatly affected my life. I got on their radar, they assumed enough about my life to justify an attack, and they executed in full force.

I don’t feel the need to go into a ton of detail about what led up to this and what’s currently going on, but for the sake of archiving, here’s some of what I’m currently dealing with (taken only from Twitter, I don’t have time to dig through all the other forums on me):

I’ll entertain the opposition for a second and go along with the idea that Alison never originally came under fire simply for being a woman in games (because they definitely aren't the majority of targets of this kind harassment). While it's argued that Alison was originally attacked for some of her outspokenness on problematic topics whilst holding a PR roll, I am now being dissected and attacked by some of my more extreme opposition seemingly just because I exist. The speculated ways in which I live my life are worthy of mocking, plain and simple. I am deemed the emasculated King of Cucks, and that my friends, is apparently quite a spectacle to behold. Grab the popcorn and laugh at this sad excuse for a human.

When one endures this level of anonymous harassment, there are so many fluctuating thoughts and emotions you try to process. You get angry at them. You feel sad for them. You wonder why bullies still exist beyond school. You start to get angry at those dear to you since you have limited outlets. You want to mock their existence. You wish they would go away. You cry. You chuckle to yourself and close confidants as they skew so far very far from the truth of anything. You cry again. You contemplate how to outplay and "beat" them.

The reality is that you actually can’t beat them. With the way everything currently is, the harassers always "win" in the short term. You have to sit and suffer, very silently. If they see that anything they are doing to you is working, they get more aggressive. You are prevented from crying out to the world. You can’t simply close your computer and it make it go away because they are literally calling anybody and anything connected to you in attempts to bring you down further. It’s the, "Don’t tell anybody about this, OR ELSE IT'LL BE WAY WORSE" tactic, and the really depressing reality is: it works. You just kinda just have to lie there and take every kick until they grow tired, flaccid, and move on to the next victim.

In many ways I’m glad that this harassment has landed on my doorstep, mainly because it’s very revealing of the GG, anon, et al extremist mindset. Typically targets are outspoken women in games. I’m not in the gaming industry, I’ve never been very vocal on problematic topics, and I’m a white dude. This nebulous group coming after me has no ethical agenda other than chaos and pain in the name of entertainment. The unadulterated goal of this agitated, formless blob is simply to drag you through the mud of shame, and grasp at any straw to get society to agree with them.

But another reason I'm glad some of this has landed on my shoulders, and a point I think the blob is starting to realize is: I don’t feel shame for being who I am. They take stab after stab, trying to find something that will make me truly bury my head in the sand. The reality is, as many people who know me personally can attest, I don’t give a shit what the world knows or thinks about me. I live a life fairly out of the realm of “normal”, and I’m entirely comfortable with that. As such, I am able to walk away from the shit mostly unscathed on the inside.

Heads up, some pretty crrrrrrazzzyyy edgy, feminazi SJW, brain-washed cuck beliefs incoming:

I think people who do sex work aren't a disgrace, and I actually believe they're some of the most confident people around.

I think people can make non-normative choices without believing they're "edgy", yaknow perhaps they're just comfortable in their own skin.

I think LGBT et al folx are seriously fucking rad, and even if someone is just questioning and exploring that, they're on a personal journey unlike few others and that's worthy of at least a pat on the back.

I think someone getting an 8g piece of metal stabbed through their urethra is an incredibly brave and "masculine/ballsy" thing to do (and I bet the sex feels great, but who am I to know).

I think if someone likes it up the butt, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I just hope they're taking it easy on themselves; it's a delicate area.

I don’t think any “out there” fetish/kinks, like cuckolding, are at all a bad or shameful thing, or any worse/worthy of kink shaming than the average anon who likes [enter any porn search engine category ever].

I don't think it's super nice to heavily speculate on someone's private sex life and relationships in a public realm if they don't care to fully disclose any of it.

I think if someone wants to suspend their right to reproduction for whatever reason, more power to them.

I think that, personally (yes, you heard that agency), polyamory and all the trials that came with it were some of the most maturing and differentiating choices I could’ve ever made for myself. It's true that every journey through it is different and some don't "make it through" - but they tried something and they learned about themselves in the process.

I think the ability to not claim ownership over my partners in the form of jealousy, etc (and vice versa) is one of the most respectful things I can do for them - they aren’t my property and I’m not theirs.

Most importantly:

I think everybody has the right to their own opinions on the above topics and more, but you do a disservice to your voice when the only way you can express your disagreement is through hurtful actions.

I think that just because someone has some radical viewpoints on touchy/problematic topics or has a different framework of interpreting reality than you, that's still no reason to strike them down (which goes for the anti-GG, et al side as well).

I believe there are real humans underneath even the most hate-filled, vitriolic, and incredibly misguided of expressions. Believe it or not, I’m willing to bet some of my harassers are actually cool people when they’re not tearing the world apart.

This is why tweet after tweet, post after post, I kinda just start giggling (very masculine giggles of course). Partially because everything is so comically far from the truth, but mostly because… wait for it… none of it will accomplish what the campaign at large likely seeks to achieve (or in the very least wants to spectate) - a breaking of self.

Sure it made me feel I need to quit my job. Sure it will probably affect my future employment prospects. Sure it's a really weird couple conversations to have with people who now know a bit more about me. But will I ever be crushed to the point of second-guessing my identity? Absolutely not.

So here’s to seriously hoping we can all just learn to get along with each other a little more, even if we’re totally different and disagreeable people. Genuinely inquire why a person lives a life differently than yours in order to gain knowledge, sure - but don’t mock them for it, and certainly don’t punish them.  I think I've made a decent case for being human, and I'm really trying right now to treat everyone as the same.

And a huge word of encouragement to both friend and foe alike dealing with any self-image/confidence/worth/etc difficulties: don't be anybody but you, and don't take shit for it from any asshole. Be unapologetically awesome, so long as you aren't hurting yourself or others in the process. And don't be afraid when those inner demons of yours pop up or get exposed; that discomfort and pressure is all part of a long, unending, and incredible process every human should embrace - growth.

In the words of our beloved lord and savior, Kanye West, "My life is dope, and I do dope shit." No matter what anybody thinks, I’m just gonna keep doing what I do. Perhaps if people spent less time trying to tear down other's dope shit and instead focused that time on their own dope shit, we could all make some incredibly dope shit together. That’s some dope shit.

Jake Rapp

PS - I don’t listen to Kanye. Maybe that's like, the ONE THING I can get some actual shit for.

[edmint]

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tbt

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Nobody should feel like a Hot Mess after this

[hotmesscoach-blog]

POLY FEELS

Background: Wife, gf, and I had quite a hot mess adjusting in the early stages.

FF: yesterday gf and I celebrate our 1-year.

Wife: Tweets a really sweet congrats to us.

GF (in group IM):

Me: I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH

[polybelle]

how am i supposed to find other poly people :(

I’m sorry you’re having trouble with this, hon. :( I got lucky and accidentally stumbled upon my boyfriend and girlfriend so I’m not sure I’m going to be of much help. I’ve seen people talking about OkCupid being useful.

Does anyone have any other tips?

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Assuming you mean poly people to be in relationships with - I think this largely depends on what types of relationships you are looking for! Do you mind if it’s long-distance? If no, then the internet is wonderful series of tubes that will lead you to anybody and everybody! If you are preferring closer proximity relationships, where you live plays a HUGE role. Metropolitan areas generally have groups of minorities coming together, poly folk definitely being one of them, so you’re bound to find others without having to look far. OKCupid and Tinder are fun search tools for this avenue. 

If you just want to meet other poly folks for platonic socialization - you can go on Meetup.com and similar sites, chances are you’ll find a Meetup group around you to attend. If there isn’t one, create one yourself and I imagine soon you’ll find there are poly people around you that have been searching for the exact same thing!

[sense8sgifs]

[hotmesscoach-blog]

LITO AND HERNANDO plz.

Also can we talk about how Daniela creates such an interesting pseudo-triad/platonic-ish/cohabiting polycule?

SO GOOD. Season 2 soon. I’m dying here.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Have any advice on not pissing off my fiance of 7yrs. And building healthy bounderies?

I have no idea what you are even asking me. So best advice whoever you are - don’t pee on the toilet seat.

For real though, ask me again but, you know, with some more details please? How are you going to piss your fiance off? What do you need boundaries for? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

[katherinehaswords-deactivated20]

So I sent Bethesda an email.

“Hello. 

My name is Emily. I don’t really know how to introduce this so I’ll just get started. I’ve been looking forward to Fallout 4 ever since it was announced, and I started playing it the second it came out. It’s wonderful. I’ve been enjoying every second. It’s both familiar and new, and of course, it’s the most visually beautiful game I have played from Bethesda. I played hundreds of hours of Oblivion, Skyrim and Fallout 3, all three games being frankly magical. The art you’re making… well… to the point.

I’m polyamorous. My partner and I are living in a small conservative city in Scotland, and sometimes I feel very much alone. I can’t tell anyone at my work and my friends don’t really understand. Only my mother knows in my family and she is very worried for me, thinking that I’m taking too much of a risk. But I am happy, I am me, and I won’t be something that I’m not. 

I know that Fallout 4 doesn’t “deal with” or “talk about” polyamory. It just includes it, like it’s no big deal. It almost feels like an oversight, like the developers forgot to code it out or something, or that it’s going to be removed in the next patch cause it was a bug or something. But if that is true, please don’t touch it. I actually cried when I found out about it. This is the first time I have ever seen polyamory included in a story that wasn’t about how everyone learns their lesson and chooses the “right choice” - monogamy. To have the freedom to not only chose any kind of sexuality for my Woman Out Of Time, but to chose non-monogamy - to have people talking about it, and actually using the words “polyamory” to describe it - it means so much to me. I can’t even express how emotional it makes me to feel represented, included, and not just stuck with the societal default.

I’m just taking the time to say sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I know that you, the person reading this, are part of the outward facing customer service wing of Bethesda, so if it is possible to pass this along to the people who made the decision to include polyamory in the game, then I would be grateful. If not, then let me just say that you’re doing a great job, and enjoy the rest of your shift. 

Once again, thank you. 

Emily “

And they responded. 

“Greetings, Emily! 

Thank you for contacting The Bethsoft Support Team with your feedback on Fallout 4. My name is Tuesday, and I am here to assist you. Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with us! I am glad that the representation of polyamory in the game was not only a good one but was able to touch you personally. Maybe it wasn’t an oversight. :) 

I was very excited when ESO included several gay characters and couples in the game, so I understand the beauty of inclusion and acceptance without question or criticism. It is truly something this world needs more of. 

I will send this to the developers, so that they can read this as well. 

Thank you again for taking the time and effort to share your experience. It is greatly appreciated; and as Fallout 4 touched you, your story has touched me as well. 

Good luck out there, Wastelander! 

 Kind regards, Tuesday

The Bethsoft Support Team”

I just thought I’d share because it made me all fuzzy inside. 

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Hnnnnnnnng feels

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Hey, this is maybe not a request for advice, but more of a question that I'd love for you to give an answer to. What is you feelings on young love? As a young person (19) who's in a long term relationship (3 years) and wants to move forward with that relationship by moving in with my partner soon-ish. After telling our friends and parents we were met with thinly veiled mockery, "oh young love", "they're so naive" etc. This is really hurtful in many ways, yet I can see how they'd find us foolish.

As a person that was in a VERY similar scenario to you and faced many of the same patronizing comments - I hear you.

For starters, I think it’s important to empathize where these skeptics are coming from. The reality of love birthed from environments like high school is that, and I apologize if this stings, it probably won’t last. It’s a really great relationship, I am sure, but statistically speaking you probably won’t be with this person in 5 years. For perspective, I wrote over 500 letters to my high school sweetheart over the course of four years with grand ideas of having her read them as a marriage proposal, and even that Notebook-esque shit did not pan out. 

They are concerned that you are blindly sprinting into territory that will get you really hurt. What would be REALLY nice is instead of patronizing you, hey maybe they could offer some practical advice to watch out for some of the pitfalls this may present. I can illustrate one major one that comes to mind.

I don’t have issues with people that commit to relationships in big ways early on in life. There’s a lot of really good stuff you learn - relationships have the ability to make you mature like no other (mostly through pain, but also through joy). The BIG thing to watch out for with young love is sacrificing too much of your individuality for the codependent comfort of a partner. You spend a little too much time developing an identity with the other person, and not as much time developing yourself. Why is that a bad thing? Inevitably at some point that person will not be there for you in some way. Something is going to hurt big time, and if you haven’t been working on you, there’s no one to catch that fall.

Your family and friends probably think you have blinders on to this fact, and you very well may. But if you go into it with an attitude of, “I know that this person is not my everything in life, and they may someday not even be in my life,” then you are on a good path.

And don’t just feel that to spite them, actually harness that mindset for your own long-term well-being. It will come in handy.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Hi! What do you think about calling poly "queer?" It's controversial - some people say poly is mostly about straight cis white folks whose problems don't match up with the issues queer people face. Others say poly encompasses a lot of different things that match up with the very broad category of "queer," and the issues they face (coming out, learning to navigate new frontiers with few resources) are very similar. Thoughts?

Not really an advice question, but I’ll take a crack just to expose myself a little.

On one hand, I’m a mostly straight, cis, white male, so that sorta stops my answer at the gate in some ways. On the other hand, I coach a lot of poly folks and also lead a 400-member poly meetup group in Seattle, and as such I encounter lots of different poly.

Basic PERSONAL observations (not statistical evidence anything here):

1) Poly is just barely a majority of “white” people. My meetup group and the people I coach have some insane diversity.

2) Poly definitely is not just straight or cis. First-off, it’s an identifier that you can’t observe based on appearance, and second I don’t ask anybody those identifiers unless they want to disclose them

3) Lots of poly people I meet and coach do NOT like being open about it. Many poly folks (myself including) face are VERY stigmatized and ostracized, mostly by friends and especially by family.

4) Many poly folks seek other poly folks (meetups, social media) and poly advice (counseling, coaching, role models) constantly because the lifestyle of polyamory can feel very isolating.

5) Poly is definitely not a “middle-class” thing. The majority of poly people I know (that have disclosed careers and incomes) are quite low income. I also have met a few very “successful” affluent poly people.

These are just some reactions and thoughts off the top of my head. 

For me, queer is synonymous with “non-normative” or “something the majority might criticize you for,” and as such I identify as queer for a variety of reasons.

So yes, I believe poly falls under the umbrella term of queer.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

I fluid bonded with someone who is not my primary partner. We promised we wouldn't. I don't know what to do...we have had sex since and I didn't tell him.

Is this a repost from something someone posted in a subreddit earlier today? If this really is you, then you got the advice you need and it sounds like you are going to tell your partner.

To recap: If you have any sort of no-fluid-bonding agreement with the partner that’s in the dark, and you went against that (which if this is the same as the Reddit post, you’ve done this BEFORE already and apologized) - You majorly fucked up.

You feel bad for a reason. Even with poly, this is cheating. You are withholding information from a partner that makes him unable to consent - arguably you’re afraid because you know how negatively he’ll react (and rightfully so on his part). Worse still, you are potentially endangering your partner’s actual physical health.

You could have worked up the guts to discuss this with him, but you were afraid the answer would be no. So instead you just made the decision without his knowledge. NO NO NO. BAD. VERY BAD.

Is this salvageable? Maybe. If you’ve done this in the past, you have some serious (genuine) groveling to do. I would have a very difficult time trusting you if you repeated a same mistake twice like this. So don’t just put on the “I’m so sorry, I’ll do better” shtick. Change your fucking life. And probably anticipate a breakup.

Whatever happens, you NEED to confess. He needs to feel his emotions. You need to grow up.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Meet Karen. She's four months old. (Truth be told - she gives the advice here I just type for her.)

[hotmesscoach-blog]

My boyfriend won't stop farting, like all the time.

Fran, I’m not sorry.

[polyhorror]

can I still be poly if I want to have a couple of intimate (kissing etc but no sex because I'm asexual) friend-/relationships without them being a real relationship with commitment and stuff?

Here’s the thing: There’s no one set of criteria for being poly.

Every poly relationship is different and has its own set of rules - and it’s up to you and your significant other(s) how you define them. Really, the only unifying criterion for polyamorous relationships is that they’re not monogamous. If your SO(s) is (are) fine with what you’re suggesting, there is absolutely no reason you can’t do that, and there is absolutely no reason not to identify as poly.

I wish you the best of luck. :)

- Mod H

[hotmesscoach-blog]

Have you ever had a long dry spell, and how did you deal with it? I'm a 23 year old guy and haven't been in a relationship or had sex in almost 2 years. It's driving my crazy and I'm starting to doubt things will ever get better.

I personally have never had a spell that long w/o romance/intimacy, no. But I have had periods of time for other circumstances where I’ve been frustratingly confused and irritated that nothing seems to be changing.

In instances like that, it’s really hard to say and live this, but you need to 1) keep trying (and maybe try different tactics) and 2) be patient when the results maybe aren’t what you want.

You didn’t go into any detail about whether or not you are actively trying to seek partners or what methods you are utilizing - if I had some of those details I could maybe give a little more specific advice. But ultimately, whatever path you’ve been traveling isn’t cutting it.

There are lots of ways to get out there and meet potential partners. I don’t really need to outline those, you have Google. But what I can do is say: DON’T GIVE UP. If this is something you really want, make a game plan. When that plan doesn’t pan out, don’t beat yourself up. Switch it up. Try again. And try again. Reflect on what worked and what didn’t. What parts felt good and natural, and which ones felt forced and disingenuous? It takes time. And energy. And resources. But if it’s what you really want, those things won’t feel like too much of a drain.

Another really good way to look at it: What landed you previous relationships and sex? And were those fulfilling? Start there. For me personally, I really only like to date people I’ve had time to observe in social situations and become friends with first (with a couple exceptions). So that’s typically where I start my journey - territory I’m familiar with.

All in all, patience patience patience. Genuine, fulfilling interactions can’t be forced. And sometimes you gotta go on a lot of fucking awkward Tinder and OKCupid dates (we’re talking a ratio of like 50:1) before you find a person you can see yourself actually getting along with. So, hang in there. Don’t get disheartened. Statistically speaking, SOMETHING will pop up.

[hotmesscoach-blog]

"But then when my partner started to have feels and those weren’t really MY feels, well, all of a sudden it was just me. Partner loved me, but I saw a partner that wasn’t “us” as much anymore." How do you deal with this?

The answer is really simple but really fucking difficult as well: you gotta learn a really healthy amount of self-reliance.

There’s this term I use A LOT when I coach, and that’s DIFFERENTIATION. Without going into too much theory, it was taken from cell biology and applied to family therapy by a guy named Bowen (later put into decent practice by a therapist named Schnarch in the book Passionate Marriage, the title is a bit narrow but it’s good stuff). In essence, think about the cells that make up your body. They are all independent and have super distinct functions - brain cells, bone cells, muscle cells, etc. And yet you can’t have one without having them all. At once you have dependence/cohesion/fusion existing simultaneously with independence/autonomy/self-reliance.

Humans generally like to either think about 1) themselves or 2) other persons/who they are in relation those persons. It tends to be very black or white. Differentiation tries to find that middle ground. It’s acknowledging that you want to be connected to other human beings and the pain that involves, while simultaneously being able to depend on yourself and the pain THAT involves.

In real-life practice: get good at understanding who you are 1) by yourself and 2) in relation to other people. Find that middle ground. It means figuring out what you ACTUALLY NEED from someone (and explicitly telling them that) vs what you want from them, and also who you would be if everyone on the planet disappeared tomorrow (how would you fill your day-to-day in solo post-apocalypse maybe, I dunno).

Understanding differentiation is a really maturing process. And it might mean the partner (and relationship dynamic) that you opened up with changes pretty drastically. If that’s scary to you, you gotta be honest about that and process accordingly. As much as your partner loves you, at the end of the day they can’t fix your shit for you. That’s up to you.