Dear Toxie... For some reason, I find myself strangely wanting a Kismesis, and although I have read up on your explanation about what makes a healthy kismessitude, I am still somewhat unsure on how to tell if someone I know or meet qualifies as fitting into that quadrant. Like, is it full-blown hate; no ounce of liking them even a little bit allowed? Or is it just more of an insanely heated rivalry? Any help would be very much appreciated. Thanks! :) ~Eboni
Dear Eboni,
A kismesissitude most definitely requires you to like the person, at least on some levels. After all, the pitch quadrant does fall under the Concupiscent half of the quadrant system, and that implies physical attraction and romantic intent- just in a different way than you are used to. An intense rivalry is the most important part of building a strong relationship, bonding together, but I believe we could delve a bit more into the attraction aspect of selecting a pitch mate. The best way I feel to describe this type of budding feeling and potential attraction is to use a portion from the story directly, as they just recently went rather deep into this feeling.
JOHN: i’m just saying i find her, like, somewhat annoying, and REALLY aggravating a lot of the time, but that’s it! KARKAT: BUT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THE FEELING IS! KARKAT: IT DOESN’T START OUT AS FULL BLOWN ANTIPATHY, AND IT RARELY EVEN REACHES SUCH AN EXTREME LEVEL OF HOSTILITY EVEN OVER LONG TERM BLACK RELATIONSHIPS. KARKAT: THERE ARE PEAKS TO IT, BUT OTHERWISE A GENERAL EBB AND FLOW TO THE DARK FEELINGS, JUST LIKE WITH FLUSHED RELATIONSHIPS. JOHN: ok, but… JOHN: i don’t know if i’m expressing myself clearly. JOHN: i felt aggravated by her a lot, but that doesn’t fully describe… JOHN: like, there were those “negative” feelings, but also… JOHN: but… KARKAT: YEAH, THAT’S IT, RIGHT THERE!!! KARKAT: THE “BUT” IS ALWAYS PART OF IT. KARKAT: WHAT YOU’RE *TRYING* TO SAY IS, YOU HAD FRUSTRATED, NEGATIVE EMOTIONS TOWARD HER, BUT THEY DON’T COMPREHENSIVELY ACCOUNT FOR YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD HER. KARKAT: MEANING, THERE ARE SOME THINGS ABOUT HER YOU ACTUALLY LIKE, BUT THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS MAKE IT HARD FOR YOU TO PUT YOUR FINGER ON THEM, OR EVEN WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM. KARKAT: THAT IS ABSOLUTELY STANDARD. WHAT GOOD WOULD IT BE HAVING A KISMESIS WHO DIDN’T POSSESS QUALITIES YOU ACTUALLY ADMIRED ON SOME LEVEL? KARKAT: THAT WOULD BE BORING, AND IT WOULDN’T EVEN WORK. THERE’D BE NO TENSION, NO PUSH AND PULL IN THE TURBULENT EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE. THE SUBTLE POSITIVES ADD FUEL TO THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS, OFTEN GIVING THEM A REASON TO EXIST AT ALL. THEY INFLAME THE AGGRAVATING FACTORS, REMINDING YOU DEEP DOWN HOW MUCH YOU WOULD LIKE AND ADMIRE THIS PERSON IF IT WASN’T FOR ALL THEIR INFURIATING FLAWS, AND THE INCREDIBLE SENSE OF FRUSTRATION THAT CAUSES ALONG WITH ALL THE ASSOCIATED HOT-HEADED FEELINGS, THAT’S THE ESSENCE OF BLACK ROMANCE. KARKAT: AND THE POSITIVE QUALITIES YOU SEE DEEP DOWN IN A KISMESIS ALSO SERVE AS THE BASIS FOR RED FEELINGS TOWARD THAT PERSON, ASSUMING THE RELATIONSHIP EVER STARTS TO VACILLATE. KARKAT: IT’S ALL PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD, REALLY.
You said it, Karkat. It is difficult to get the hang of, but once you understand the feeling, it really comes together. In my own experience, I would describe the feeling as follows: “Oh my god you are really hot and I want to kiss you but every time you open your mouth I just want to smack you!” This is an expression of these feelings, but by no means the only way. It is hard to pinpoint exactly what one person will feel when they meet that special person that they hate in just the right way, but it is definitely a mixed feeling of annoyance/dislike along with admiration/acceptance. If someone just pushes your buttons in all the wrong ways, but you miss them when they aren’t around, then you may just be crushing black!
I certainly wish you luck in finding someone you can share this extremely rare bond with! Please don’t hesitate to check back in if you have difficulty navigating this thorny quadrant in the future!
Dear Toxie, my moirail and i find ourselves in a real pickle. we have been moirails for a long time and i recently moved. i have always been a rather insecure troll, worried that i need him more than he needs me, and a few communication issues. when i finally got the courage to address my insecurities we discussed the fact that we both are now feeling that this might not be working as it should. i can't see myself with another troll because even with these feelings i still feel pale for him.
Dear wi-zard-tch-trash,
I understand your concern. Many find themselves quite some distance away from someone they share a quadrant with. In this day and age, that is even quite normal. So I wish to preface this response by saying that a long distance relationship is quite doable, with a bit of dedication. Though your issue is more defined by the needs of yourself and your moirail. If physical contact/proximity is important to your ability to emotionally soothe your moirail, then this may cause a strain on your relationship. As your pale feelings are still strong, I might suggest trying to continue the relationship, but it will require care, communication, and a willingness to respond to a message at any time. If this seems unreasonable or proves unfulfilling to either of you, then it may be time to move on. Ending a relationship hurts, but continuing one that will hurt you over time is worse. Whatever you decide, I hope you the best outcome possible.
Dear Toxie, I lo8ve my mo8irail and all all, but whenever we cuddle cuddle, she's always so8 co8ld co8ld! Might be because she's a seadweller and all all, but I like keeping my bo8dy heat in my bo8dy bo8dy! Any suggestio8s suggestio8ns? - mindfulMute
Dear mindfulMute,
it is a common fact that the higher caste bloods maintain a lower body heat. I would assume that you are rather lowblooded for her to cause such a reaction! Keep in mind, your warmth may prove problematic to her as well. Has she voiced discomfort? Perhaps a few extra layers and blankets between you may help reduce this issue. While direct touch can be soothing, direct contact for long periods may be an issue. Try and keep your cuddle sessions short or your layers thicker. No need to hinder something wonderful just because of a little discomfort! Compromise is the key! Communicate and see what makes you both comfortable!
Is there such thing as "pale rebound"? I'm asking for a friend, I swear. -A Curious Jaddeblood
Dear ACJ,
There most definitely IS pale rebound! If things go sour with your moirail, you are sure to be quite upset and seeking comfort. This could easily send someone running to the papping arms of whomever will hold them. This could lead to a quick and ill matched Moirallegiance. Such a match could potentially lead to another painful break up later, creating a self-feeding cycle. Such things are unfortunate, but quite common. I suppose the lesson to learn from this is that while a pale relationship’s end can be quite hard, take some care who you bare your heart to- pale romances are special and opening up after a painful experience may cause more heartbreak later. It is easier on you to seek consoling without commitment, holding back a bit while finding your platonic comfort- or even seek to sooth your hurt feelings with another quadrant, if you have them!
[_|_] dear toxie, i think i might have a commitment problem, specifically with the flushed quadrant. it doesn't seem to matter how go-od my potential partner is, or how well we get along, or how much they like me--whenever they bring up the m-word, i get uncomfortable and push them away! what's my issue? -vosana
Dear Vosana, it is hard to guess the problem here, as ‘commitment’ is not often an issue with quadrant romance. Would I be correct in guessing you are a young troll? If so, I would wager that you just aren’t ready for it yet. I covered an issue similar to that here a while back that may help. If that is not the issue, then you may have an issue with your flushed quadrant as a whole, that may even be an issue with your think pan! This is dangerous and may get you culled. Do you have this issue with your other concupiscent quadrant? As unpleasant as it sounds, for your safety, I might recommend “faking it” to try and keep the quadrant full when the drones come around. If this is too much for you, then there is nothing wrong with abandoning the quadrant altogether and finding people to help you fill buckets when the time is needed. This should not be too hard if you can defend yourself against culling if need be. Whatever ends up being the issue, I hope these suggestions can help! If things get worse, you are always welcome to send another ask with more information! Good luck getting your life sorted out!
Dear toxie, Big ProbleM !!! 2 oF mY cloSE friendS just WANt to Become MY MateSPrit! ANd theN THey saID THAt I can ChoOSE the TROLl i LIkE thE MOst anD THe otheR wilL BEcome My KIsmEsis. WHAT the HELl?! THeY DecIdeD All Of THIS BehinD MY BacK! I neveR FelT AnyThing Other thaN FriendSHip aNd Now I feEL BeTrayED. What SHOUld I dO? - I haTe mY LiFE
Dear IHML, I’ve been thinking hard about the different views on this issue, as it is an interesting one. I think I have a few answers for you. The most obvious possibility is that they both have flushed feelings for you. This is troublesome, but not as much as the second most likely possibility- they are using you. It is possible that they are pitch flirting with one another, and simply using you as a way to do so! As Kismesissitude is about rivalry, it is possible that they may be using you to challenge one another to see which one can ‘win’ you. Either of these possibilities leads to the same result- you must distance yourself from the issue. As trolls, we are no strangers to quadrants and tend to not take them seriously the majority of the time. Simply telling them that you are not interested in a flushed quadrant with either should be enough to end the nonsense, though it is possible one or both may be hung up on the idea regardless. That said, another way of avoiding the issue would be to shift the issue into the conciliatory quadrants! One of them could be shifted into a pale quadrant to placate them and help calm their obviously troubled life, or if you are in fact between a pair of rivals, auspistizing between them would solve all of your problems- it would put them both in a quadrant with you, saving your others for partners of your choice, while also calming a rivalry that is destructive if they are causing you trouble with it. So if you can figure out your situation a bit better, you can diffuse the issue with superior dexterity of your quadrants! Good luck and thanks for your ask!
Hello, everybody! Toxie here! Today, we will be looking at examples of Kismesissitude from the Homestuck story (And even pop-culture!) and examining them to point out the qualities of healthy and unhealthy pitch relationships! As Kismesissitude is outside the human spectrum of romance, it is often done incorrectly when intended to be a healthy relationship built on hate. Keep reading to learn more about about healthy hate!
A kismesis is defined as someone that you hate. This hatred is separated from normal hatred by the dynamic of the relationship. As opposed to platonic hatred, a kismesis is special. Those involved in a kismesissitude detest each other, but would be lost without their presence, making life feel emptier. This is what qualifies it as a 'romance'.
The purpose of a healthy Kismesis is to help their partner grow through rivalry. This benefits both involved by helping them both improve. While a normal human relationship helps people grow by working together and supporting each other, allowing them to both climb the eche ladder of life together, a kismesis does not support or help- they torment and taunt their kismesis into rising to the challenge. This relationship thrives off of the challenge of trying to defeat this person that is eternally an equal. When one kismesis climbs above the other, the need to beat them entices the other to try harder to surpass them, resulting in growth on both ends as they continue the 'dance of antagonism'.
When one kismesis is frequently better than the other and gets no challenge, then the relationship will likely fail. This example of an unhealthy kismesissitude is seen in Eridan <3< Vriska. At the beginning of the trolls' story, the two are in a kismesissitude, but Vriska is unchallenged by Eridan as a rival. For a while, menacing him in their flarp campaigns was fun, but every time she bested him, Eridan would whine and complain rather than rise to Vriska's challenges and improve. Vriska was not challenged, and thus she did not grow and got bored. This is comparable to a 'love' relationship where one party works to improve the relationship and show affection, but the other does not reciprocate and only complains about their partner's shortcomings.
On the opposite end of this spectrum, a kismesis terrorizes his or her partner, but does not wish to do irreversible harm. One's own definition of 'irreversible' is debatable, however generally this implies that they do not wish to kill their kismesis. This sort of taboo is witnessed during the End of Act 5 animation, "[S] Cascade". During this climactic animation, Spades Slick kills his kismesis, Snowman. The relationship of SS <3< Snowman is one we see little of, but the mechanics are unmistakable. The two menace one another, frequently going out of their way to spite one another. Snowman had countless opportunities to end the life of Spades Slick, but chose not to- instead maiming him- first his eye, then his arm- and challenging him to overcome these handicaps.
Killing one's own kismesis would not only deprive them of a fun and challenging rival, but also leave a hole in the killer's heart where their other half was. This is seen most heavily in a relationship that never truly blossomed, but the pitch-flirting was incredibly thick- Terezi <3< Vriska. Where once they had been partners, the two were now at one anothers' throats. They were equals in wit and could effortlessly torment and challenge one another. The two of them rivaled one another through proxies (Who can make their human boy the strongest?) and frequently threw verbal jabs at one another. When finally the showdown took place atop the meteor and Terezi killed Vriska, she knew she had done the right thing. She had saved everyone by ending the life of this despicable troll. However, through the rest of the story, this action tormented her. Terezi felt deep regret for her actions and made terrible life choices (One to be looked at next!) because of Vriska's death. This is because deep down, she knew that Vriska was her ideal kismesis, and no longer had that person that she could share a rivalry with. Terezi's grief and destructive behavior is the perfect example of one's response to the death of a kismesis.
During Terezi's grieving, she made several terrible decisions while mourning Vriska. Arguably the largest was her 'rebound' phase. Soon after the death of the Thief of Light, Terezi decided that she was going to begin a kismesissitude with the psychotic and murderous Bard of Rage. Terezi <3< Gamzee is the perfect example of an abusive relationship. While downplayed and even somewhat humorous, this relationship mirrored a huge number of the signs of abuse in a human love relationship. Terezi was frequently injured by Gamzee, she let the rest of her relationships and friendships suffer to try and make it work, she let Gamzee introduce her to substance abuse with things she should not have been indulging in (It was only Faygo, but the intended message is obvious,) the reasons for her being pantless are dubious, but suspicious, and worst of all, Gamzee did not reciprocate the feelings. Gamzee was not challenged or rivalled, he did not make her better through his torment, and he was most definitely more preoccupied with other business than with Terezi (Namely, the creation and growth of Lord English.) Slice this relationship however you wish, it was incredibly unhealthy to the point where all of Terezi's friends needed to intervene and try to auspistize. If you are looking for an example of a bad kismesissitude, look no further than this canon relationship.
In the event of a relationship that becomes unhealthy, the quadrant system of romance has a failsafe- the Ashen quadrant. When relationships deal harm to one or both parties in a kismesissitude, be it to self, partner, or other quadrants/friends, someone will often step up to 'calm' this relationship, mediating and acting as a buffer to keep this relationship from becoming pitch and creating harm.
If a relationship built on hate is healthy, however, then we must not forget that it is a concupiscent relationship, and it is one of passion. Without discussing what consenting adults do behind closed doors with a bucket, the nature of a kismesissitude, if it is working properly, is one in which those involved feel an attraction based on these adrenaline inducing interactions of challenge and antagonism. While human pop culture does not often cross the line into this, there are a few examples- the best, in my opinion, is the movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". In this film, two spies have unknowingly built a life together and one day find their tasks are to kill their spouse. This movie climaxes with a scene depicting the two having a heated gunfight in their livingroom, shouting taunts at one another until very suddenly, they move from attempting to kill each other to having a steamy love scene in the same bullet-ridden room! The appeal to this scene is one that many people can understand in fantasy.
Another often sited and excellent (if platonic) example is that of DC Comics's most popular character- Batman. He and the Joker are constantly at odds. They fight, they taunt, they plan elaborately around the next time they will face off like two love-struck teens waiting by the phone for their crush to call and plan a date. Beneath all of the dark action and crime fighting, the Joker is a murderer and danger to society, and Batman knows this. He also knows that the Joker cannot be contained in any prison- he will always escape. But despite that, Batman cannot even consider killing him to save countless lives. While he does it while flying the flag of 'morals', most people know that the Batman would be much less happy without this frequent nemesis to challenge him and keep him active and working toward his goals.
In the end, kismesissitude is a foreign and alien concept to humans- but not one entirely out of reach. If we look at these examples and dissect them, we can see the positive qualities of this sort of relationship built on antagonism.
If you would like me to examine another relationship in more detail or debate some of my points with me, feel free to send an Ask! Otherwise, I hope you enjoyed reading and have learned some of the finer points of kismesissitude to help you improve your writing, roleplaying, shipping, or what have you! If there are any points I missed, I can cover them again in another article at a later date. Thanks for reading!
(-/-_0) h3y t0x13 i w4nt t0 try 5t4rt1ng 4 m4t35p1r1tsh1p but 1m 4 b1t n3rv0us. C4n 1 g3t 50m3 4dv1c3?
Hello, friend! This is a common question from young trolls looking to fill their first quadrants. Luckily, Toxie is here to help! Nervousness is natural when you don’t have much experience with romance, but the key to romance is one that may seem unhelpful- don’t worry about it! Troll romance is a flowing, ever changing thing, and as long as you just act natural, then your quadrants will fill! Don’t try and change yourself to fit someone else’s quadrant- that will only end badly. As long as you are true to who you are, someone will come along that falls into that quadrant. Even if they don’t fit perfectly, don’t worry about it! When you are young, the quadrants are constantly vacillating, so it is likely that your quadrants will continue to change as relationships end and begin like a revolving door of reds and blacks. As time goes by and you get older, you may find your quadrants settling down, but you are in a prime time in life to experiment with your quadrants. Learn what you like and don’t like, and let the pieces fall where they may! Your first matesprit is special, but don’t force yourself- let it flow naturally and if someone makes you feel that special kind of pity, ask them to be your matesprit! More than likely, it will not last long anyway as your troll instincts lead you to vacillation, but enjoy the ride while you have it. Adolescence as a troll is not a serious time, so long as you avoid being culled, so until you get shipped off planet, have fun and let yourself explore your emotions! Thanks for your ask, and good luck finding that special matesprit!
