Dear Toxie... For some reason, I find myself strangely wanting a Kismesis, and although I have read up on your explanation about what makes a healthy kismessitude, I am still somewhat unsure on how to tell if someone I know or meet qualifies as fitting into that quadrant. Like, is it full-blown hate; no ounce of liking them even a little bit allowed? Or is it just more of an insanely heated rivalry? Any help would be very much appreciated. Thanks! :) ~Eboni
A kismesissitude most definitely requires you to like the person, at least on some levels. After all, the pitch quadrant does fall under the Concupiscent half of the quadrant system, and that implies physical attraction and romantic intent- just in a different way than you are used to. An intense rivalry is the most important part of building a strong relationship, bonding together, but I believe we could delve a bit more into the attraction aspect of selecting a pitch mate. The best way I feel to describe this type of budding feeling and potential attraction is to use a portion from the story directly, as they just recently went rather deep into this feeling.
JOHN: i’m just saying i find her, like, somewhat annoying, and REALLY aggravating a lot of the time, but that’s it! KARKAT: BUT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THE FEELING IS! KARKAT: IT DOESN’T START OUT AS FULL BLOWN ANTIPATHY, AND IT RARELY EVEN REACHES SUCH AN EXTREME LEVEL OF HOSTILITY EVEN OVER LONG TERM BLACK RELATIONSHIPS. KARKAT: THERE ARE PEAKS TO IT, BUT OTHERWISE A GENERAL EBB AND FLOW TO THE DARK FEELINGS, JUST LIKE WITH FLUSHED RELATIONSHIPS. JOHN: ok, but… JOHN: i don’t know if i’m expressing myself clearly. JOHN: i felt aggravated by her a lot, but that doesn’t fully describe… JOHN: like, there were those “negative” feelings, but also… JOHN: but… KARKAT: YEAH, THAT’S IT, RIGHT THERE!!! KARKAT: THE “BUT” IS ALWAYS PART OF IT. KARKAT: WHAT YOU’RE *TRYING* TO SAY IS, YOU HAD FRUSTRATED, NEGATIVE EMOTIONS TOWARD HER, BUT THEY DON’T COMPREHENSIVELY ACCOUNT FOR YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD HER. KARKAT: MEANING, THERE ARE SOME THINGS ABOUT HER YOU ACTUALLY LIKE, BUT THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS MAKE IT HARD FOR YOU TO PUT YOUR FINGER ON THEM, OR EVEN WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM. KARKAT: THAT IS ABSOLUTELY STANDARD. WHAT GOOD WOULD IT BE HAVING A KISMESIS WHO DIDN’T POSSESS QUALITIES YOU ACTUALLY ADMIRED ON SOME LEVEL? KARKAT: THAT WOULD BE BORING, AND IT WOULDN’T EVEN WORK. THERE’D BE NO TENSION, NO PUSH AND PULL IN THE TURBULENT EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE. THE SUBTLE POSITIVES ADD FUEL TO THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS, OFTEN GIVING THEM A REASON TO EXIST AT ALL. THEY INFLAME THE AGGRAVATING FACTORS, REMINDING YOU DEEP DOWN HOW MUCH YOU WOULD LIKE AND ADMIRE THIS PERSON IF IT WASN’T FOR ALL THEIR INFURIATING FLAWS, AND THE INCREDIBLE SENSE OF FRUSTRATION THAT CAUSES ALONG WITH ALL THE ASSOCIATED HOT-HEADED FEELINGS, THAT’S THE ESSENCE OF BLACK ROMANCE. KARKAT: AND THE POSITIVE QUALITIES YOU SEE DEEP DOWN IN A KISMESIS ALSO SERVE AS THE BASIS FOR RED FEELINGS TOWARD THAT PERSON, ASSUMING THE RELATIONSHIP EVER STARTS TO VACILLATE. KARKAT: IT’S ALL PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD, REALLY.
You said it, Karkat. It is difficult to get the hang of, but once you understand the feeling, it really comes together. In my own experience, I would describe the feeling as follows: “Oh my god you are really hot and I want to kiss you but every time you open your mouth I just want to smack you!” This is an expression of these feelings, but by no means the only way. It is hard to pinpoint exactly what one person will feel when they meet that special person that they hate in just the right way, but it is definitely a mixed feeling of annoyance/dislike along with admiration/acceptance. If someone just pushes your buttons in all the wrong ways, but you miss them when they aren’t around, then you may just be crushing black!
I certainly wish you luck in finding someone you can share this extremely rare bond with! Please don’t hesitate to check back in if you have difficulty navigating this thorny quadrant in the future!
