(...) And I’d said from the start that I just needed a place to stay until I could get a train home in the morning and he said that was OK. I was giving off the right vibes, I think, so... yeah, it was cool. He’s a lot older than me. He’s 30, but he was... you know, nice. He made us some toast and put the heat on, so it was fine. He had this jam that’s made without any sugar. And we talked a bit. He said he’d been on a few marches and things. You know, not just gay, but other stuff. Poll tax, and... You know, so it was interesting. We talked about last night and called them bastards and put the.. what was it? Put the world to rights. And then he said, “Well, at least that means you’re legal now.” You know, because I’m 18. I mean I’m actually 17, but I’d told him I was 18, because I thought 17 sounded a bit young. That’s stupid, isn’t it? And I think when he said that, I thought... “Right...” You know? I just kinda laughed it off and then he said he should go to bed and he went to get some bedding for me for the sofa and I think he thought I was a virgin, which I’m not, but... I mean... Well, I’m not not a virgin. But when he came back in the living room with the bedding... he was starkers and I thought... “Blimey!” You know, but then I thought maybe that’s just what he does. Sean, my mate, sleeps in the nude. It never occured to me that was a thing you could do until I stopped round his. Well, a lot hadn’t occured to me until I stopped round his. But anyway, so I was sitting down on the sofa and he dropped the duvet and pillows next to me. The duvet didn’t have a cover on it. The things that go through your head! You know, I thought, “Mum would never give someone a duvet without a cover on it.” So then, he was there... you know, “Hello, boys!” So I’m kind of... And then he reached his hand out and he stroked the back of my head, just softly, and... that was actually quite nice. That sounds pathetic, doesn’t it? I’m not an idiot, I knew what... You know, cards were on the table, but I thought, he’s letting me stay over and he’s not... Well, he’s quite nice, you know, looking, I mean. He’s alright. He’s not Kristian Schmidt, but... So I put him in my mouth. And that seemed to go down well. And then a minute or two later he stood me up and he kissed me and I thought, “Right, I’ve got to decide now, you know, if I’m not up for this, I’ve kind of got to say something now, because you don’t want to be rude.” But I didn’t say anything and so he led me through into his bedroom and he said, “Is this all right?” And genuinely, for a split second, I thought he was asking about his room, and I did think, “Well, now we know what Athena does with its remaindered stock.” But he had my top off by that point and I felt kind of separate to it, like I was watching myself, you know, like Brecht - Verfremdungseffekt. And I was kinda talking to myself, saying, “Is this all right, is this OK?” You know, keeping calm. In my head, not... No, I think that might have put him off. But it was just nice not to be rushed because... I suppose everything I've done up till now has been at parties with lads from college who... Wel, you've got to sort of take advantage of the moment. I say lads, it makes it sound like there's hundreds of them, there's not, believe me, really just me and... well, just me and Jamie Flynn, I suppose. And Sean. We.. Not, not regularly, you know, not... If he's drunk and in the right mood, and I kind of know how to be in the right place at the right time, but... Well, it's an art more than it is a science and you've either got one eye on the door or worse, you've got to kind of prep yourself in case he loses the mood or after decides it didn't happen. I don't mean nasty, but just... So it was really the first time it felt legitimate doing anything - you know, with an accountant! I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I'll be honest, but... well, he didn't... you know, he was nice, patient. He kept talking to me and checking I was OK. I almost wished he wouldn't. I almost wanted him to just go for it. Almost. And I think, weirdly, and this feels weird now I come to think about it, but I think because I didn't madly fancy him, it meant I could relax a bit more. It didn't seem as important as it might have done. I could just do what he told me and weirdly that was kind of easier. I think.... I mean, it wasn't easy really, but... While we were doing it... I can't believe I'm telling you all this. I had a real coffee earlier, I think it's kicking in. There was a moment where I was thinking, "Two hours ago I was outside Parliament and they were saying I wasn't allowed to do this," and that made me laugh, and that turned him on because I think he thought it meant I was getting into it, and I was getting into it, but not because of... Not just because of him. I was thinking about all the tossers who'd opposed it, opposed me, and I was thinking, "If you could fucking see me now." You know, fucking... And that felt great. Oh, I felt great. You know, who'd have predicted I'd spent my first time thinking about Lady Olga Maitland and Sir Nicholas fucking Fairburn. I doubt anyone's ever thought about them while they're doing it before, including the people they're doing it with, if they do ever do it, the desiccated twats. I wasn't dwelling on them. I'm not a pervert. But it did give it a... frisson. I've never said frisson before. I've only ever seen it written down. That's one of those words, you know, like... hyperbole. And then, after, he turned the light off and he held me while he fell asleep and... all I could think was... "I hope Mum and Dad weren't watching the TV news," because... At one point, when we surged towards the doors of the Commons, that's when I'd seen the cameras.
