I write
Things are bad, but good things can happen. Bad things happen too.
During the day I deliver mail, but come nightfall I sit down behind my computer and start typing away.
Maybe I will try to become an IT guy. I think I like IT. However, it's hard, and tiring; and I don't know if I am any good at it. You know, to be succesful, you need experience - and I don't have any experience.
In Sid Meier's Civilization they say: true glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing, what deserves to be read. It makes you wonder: how to read?
All day I've been thinking what it would be like to be a newspaper columnist. But I am not sure if that is even a real career.
Just now I played a video-game and I didn't feel like quitting after a minute of playtime. Isn't that nice? I've always played tons of video games and although it isn't very edifying, it is at least kind of entertaining, I don't know. I watch movies too. Usually it's the same thing, I stop after a few minutes of watching it, but then, I am too stressed out all the time, I need video games to unwind, perhaps. I dunno, there are people who say "I love video games", but that ain't me. I don't love them. Frankly, I often feel kind of embarrassed, but what I like about video games is that you are doing something, rather than just taking up information passively. I dunno, you're not really doing something. That's why I'd like to be a newspaper columnist. Then you got your whole day ahead of you. Just writing a nice column every day. But it's probably not that great. You'll just write something shitty at the last moment and it won't ever really be good. But people may like it. I am always thinking of my old man who used to read Max Pam in De Volkskrant. My dad had dough. He could afford De Volkskrant. He had a great time reading it, I think. And he better. It's a nice newspaper.
The world is a big place and it is full of wonders. What we know is that things can happen and that we do wonderful things all the time, but something may happen and then we no longer do anything, and we lose everything to chaos and disorder.
Life is a wonderful adventure. Still, suffering ruins everything. Nonetheless, after the suffering comes something good. I don't know It's hard. My dad died at a moment that I could've really used his advise and his humanity. In this day and age, we need humanity like my father had it. Nick Cave said about when his father died: my father died at a moment in my life that I was most confused. Maybe the same goes for me. But I suppose I have been far more confused than I have been for the past year; but in some ways, I was more confused than ever. Yes, I was very confused. Nobody can help you. Fuck psychiatry. Psychology is better, but it is still quite horrifying. Mostly because they don't know what they're saying. And all those controllers in the government are awful too. They are monsters.
There's something weird about everyday things. We don't notice half the time because we are too stuck up to notice anything. But it's there. The world is full of crazy things and nobody knows anything. I don't know. Everything is insane. I am insane as well. However, I can survive. Most people can't. I don't know. Survival is certainly the most bitter thing we can contemplate. The pills I take heighten my desire to commit suicide. It's awful. I shouldn't take them. I don't really need them. Psychiatry sucks.
