Side Session 1 - Sacrifices.
OK SO we wake up from our cuddle pile. Queen's Men are ready for a new day so we go ADVENTURING! Well adventuring to the other side of the beach where there is a sunken boat! A not so whole broken boat covered in dirty barnacles. So since the ranger has no interest in being in water ever again she fishes like a sweet little provider. Meanwhile the big burly fighter and cleric go touching stuff as usual.
First the cleric is clearly a ditz and or just a clumsy pretty boy so he falls and gets hurt, pretty often, maybe once or twice and then he's like fuck it and goes around. WELL GOING AROUND while bleeding leads to SHARKS! . SO THE FIGHTER squeals out for the ranger's help cause OBVIOUSLY he can't reach a shark in the water while he's ontop of this boat! Well one shark, a very hungry small shark who misses and bites some fancy leather. Shark disapproves. HOWEVER THIS GOES UNPUNISHED. As the airborne ranger makes her landing there is that ACTUAL SEA LION THAT APPEARS AGAIN.
THIS TIME THE SEALION GIVES NO FUCKS and eats that fuckin shark. Rip tiny shark. Ranger lands and clumsy cleric is pulled up back onto the boat to safety! Everything is beautiful! UNTIL A SKELETON APPEARS!
BUT WAIT this skeleton looks familiar, its got on an ugly hat and some ugly boots... ITS THAT NECRO'S! So like a cleric do, the cleric smote it. Ded. Good... poor poor skeleton he was just following orders. So then we are looking around some more, nothing nothing OH WHY IS THERE NOTHING?! OH because this fighter is stepping on the hinge but ranger has good eyes because she is a bird!
A HINGE! A door! A thing into a thing! THE FIGHTER HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT! So he starts beating barnacles off wink wink. We wait a whole hour as this big half-orc beats this stuff off this door. It's very booooooring. FINALLY ENOUGH SHIT SHIT! Fighter RIIIIIIPPPPSSSSS the door off of the boat and tosses it to the side. The cleric and fighter wiggle down into the 3ft water inside of this boat and start looking around. They find boxes and mostly rotted stuffs. BUT THEY FIND THE GOOOOOOOD stuffs. Wine! then a little door under the water with a grosser bottle!
SO then WITH THE GOODS we HEAR A NOISE! Its a noise we've heard a couple times before. It's a low vibrating rumble and its coming FROM THE NORTH! The north? Why is everything north? Well well wellllll lets just say they go find out! Here he is again that cute sealion being a lazy cat baby and yawning and growling and being a fat sea cat. Of course he's the source of the rumbling, he is bored and tired and just relaxing in the beautiful sunnnn. Pretty normal if you ask me. Well the ranger is pretty special cause she can speak to animals and she has a conversation with this majestic beast and the group decides to give him a name! Valiant! Because he's saved us twice and he's a dang good boy! So of course we have to pay him back? RIGHT? WHAT COULD A SEA LION WANT?!
SO the ranger asks this very question AND he said... get closer. Well... I mean no harm no foul yet, but you're huge but you've helped so IMA take a chance! Ranger steps RIIIIIIGHT up to the sealion, big yellow birdy eyes staring at this grand beast... he opens his maw and....LICKS HER FACE! Well, that's pretty normal ya know? Animals are generally pretty great and she's great so there is no reason to find this odd, but Valiant REALLY likes her and REALLY likes giving her cat kisses on the whole face! Well of course a girl can't just spend the rest of her days getting cat licked. So politely she backs away and gives him some of the fish she had caught earlier and he tells her to beware of the STINKY ONE! Not sure who that is yet!
We move then, back to the beach, back to being lost and confused because a sealion isn't the best with directions. They eye the wreckage next to the crab people, PROBABLY a bad idea because ya know they don't take too KINDLY to people touching their stuffs. OH YEA we got those bottles, the cleric isn't much of a drinker so he gives them to the others. Ranger tests hers. PRAYS its wine. it is not. ): She is sad... BUT there IS another bottle, a BIGGER BOTTLE. However the fighter wants to know what's in her bottle, so she tells him... RUM. Oh man like sweet harmonies to those slightly pointed ears. RUM. He wants that rum, but she knows that she's gotta get something in return, SO tradesies ensues! This bottle, so much harder to open so with a pouty lip and some limp wrists she asks the fighter to open it and because he's a swell guy he opens it for her and its BUBBLY! SO BUBBLY AND SO DELICIOUS! ELVEN CHAMPAGNE!
OH GLORIOUS DAY!! Ranger is happy she does not have to drink rum ever again. With this NEW LOOT they have to occupy themselves a little... the ranger eyes those items on the table again. Oh cards! TIME FOR STRIP POKER! She flutters over and starts to consider her options, red or blue cards Neo? JUST AS SHE WAS ABOUT TO DECIDE THIS GUY OVER HERE (fighter) in his valiant efforts to give her more currency he tosses one of those cave fruits at her. She of course isn't looking and he didn't even think to call out to her AND HE DOESN'T GAGE HIS STRENGTH BECAUSE WHO DOES THAT? SHE GETS FUCKIN REKT BY THIS 1LB FLYING FRUIT, FACE FIRST STRAIGHT INTO THE SAND ON THESE POOR CRAB PEOPLES STUFF!
She knows what happens when you touch crab people stuff! And the cleric, that sweet darling clumsy cleric runs over and helps her up and shes half panicking because she has nothing but respect for these innocent people and their business endeavors! Meanwhile the cleric is a slick mammajamma and he's healing her while picking fruit chunks out of her hair. As they do so, the innocent faced fighter, just minding his new found business gets pelted in the face. SO HARD SO ACCURATE that he is stunned. Who the EFF DID THAT?!
On the rocky hill is a monkey who had (with pin point accuracy across a great distance) hit the fighter in the face with a ball of shit! Of course the ranger can not contain her amusement and the cleric so gingerly tries to inspect her still as she can hardly stand she's laughing so hard. The monkey quickly approaches the ranger and they make quick friends, this ranger is pretty good at making friends apparently. Chot is the monkey and Chot tells them he knows where the nice one Tara is in the villiage of people. It's just up this slight ravine!
After the fighter cleans his face they head up the ravine, following the direction of the ranger who is being told where to go by this monkey. So they get to this place, it looks like a rather lived in small camp. There is a fire here, it's very convenient. So they decide to rest here for the night and take up their watches. On the last watch, the fighter spots something! It's a something that is very hard to miss because it's an actual giant. But he seems a lil shy. Chilling behind a tree and watching them sleep. MIGHT seem a little creepy but I have heard its rather standard giant.
Now you may think, oh man this fighter is gunna protect his friends and fight off this HUUUUGE giant... right?! No no... the fighter's voice is butter because he can speak giant apparently. They talk about stuff and this giant is REAL interested in these fruit they had gotten from that there cave down there. Like.... REAL interested. And learning from the ranger, the fighter figures there must be a trade, right? So with some sweet words and promises of more sweet succulent fruits the giant agrees to take them to this shrine they were told to go to. SO the others wake up and at this point weird shit is just... like why question why your fighter is delicately giving fruits to a giant under a tree? WHY QUESTION IT?!
They wake up, agree to have this giant take them to this shrine. Now me, I underestimate a giant's magical prowess but I am proven... mostly wrong. The giant picks up the Queen's Men and steps INTO a tree. ITS ONE HELL OF A JOURNEY! We pop out of another tree, a lone tree on a hill overlooking some pretty coastline and more hills and trees. It's very odd but... hey wait a second... ALL OF OUR METAL IS GONE?!!? Now this is very detrimental to a ranger with only sheaf arrows and her short swords are gone too! BUT THE FIGHTER WAS IN PLATE... so he's in his little armor with no weapons and a very sad look on his face. The cleric also is missing his holy symbol but who cares about that at a time like this?!
So just as they decide to start moving with the giant, he sees something off in the distance and decides his people need him and he fucks off back into the tree, promising to return.. later at some point. So like the determined group they are, they start moving up into the hills because it's got some cover and what if people are watching for us? Well somethings been waiting and waiting. Walking through the wooded area the talon-foot of the ranger hits a special something. A click is heard and she stops dead in her tracks, literally unmoving. The monkey runs away and starts streaming about "BURN BABY BURN!" The ranger has to relay this to her pals and everyone is VERY CONFUSED BUT RESOURCEFUL!... kinda. They start piling dirt around her foot? Then with TWO SUCCESSFUL STRENGTH CHECKS they pull her away safely as a mini volcano erupts from the ground. Fire and stuff! Ranger is very thankful and not learning their lesson they continue, this time looking out for traps!
But it helps none. As the other two also fall victim of these traps but since they are so big and burly they each take damage. Luckily one is a healer. So all is GOOD... at this time we decide it is best to head to the coast since obviously we are not wanted in these parts. IT GETS DARK AGAIN. As it does when you spend a lot of time walking and now they are on the beach and attempt to get some rest, HOWEVER the cleric sees something in the distance. A fire! Its obviously the first of a camp, the way the light is flicking and shapes dance over the glow. They gotta check it out.... BUT BEFORE THEY DO! The ranger has GOT to hide, what's ranger even good for out in the open? Nada! So... it takes like... ten attempts from her stepping on every single twig on the beach to splashing into holes before she is one with the shadows. Fucking finally.
So they move out, well the other two don't see her anymore because she's that dang good. But they assume she moved towards the camp and they do as well. Creeping up closer they start to hear singing. Oh boy, ranger knows what THAT means, so she's cautious, but these guys... didn't even pack tents and they are pitchin, ya know what I mean? So they get close enough to see and oh MAN OH MAN! A fire! A woman! A DROW woman! AND SHES NAKED AND DANCING AND SINGING! oH HEAVENS ON EARTH! Like the fucking guy he is, the cleric just fucking... goes for it man. Moves to start dancing with the drow woman and /SUSPICIOUSLY/ he's dancing just like her. Verrrrrrry suspicious!
SO THIS FRICKIN BABE leans in so very close and asks for that one thing she wants so very badly... his spike. Well the spike given to him by the drider... THAT SPIKE. Jeez... and of course as a chaste man of his word, he declines... then hits her on the head with his club. (Actual club people, please...) As a strange defense mechanism she mirror images. So there is 12 whole drow titties out in the open. She asks him to please stop and listen and that she was sent there to help and that she needed that spike to save her people, to save the drow so they don't have to be tainted! Well that seems legit, but this cleric is REAL dedicated to his promise he made this drider. So as they squabble Armand comes out and mediates because he's the voice of all reason and he's pretty buff. Some more talking and some more spooky uncomfortable stuff... and then she rolls out with her evil SAND SPIDERS!
SO then the frickin ranger walks of the bush, which she was in and ready to snipe a bitch if she had to. Everyone is very dazed and confused, cleric isn't because he is DEAD SET on carrying out his task, but something is bothering him. Something weird about him, everyone feels a little weird. They settle back on the beach, taking up each watch and each of them gets a visit from this woman. She holds them, kisses them, embraces them, telling them they can have ANYTHING if they get her that spike. Of course each of them have to contemplate this... to save an entire race of people or... let this cleric carry out his "duty".
The next morning rolls around and the drow woman reappears, not speaking not saying a thing and the cleric readies his weapons and starts to walk past her. HOWEVER there is a scream behind him! There could be something incredibly wrong so he swings around to see and BAM!
Right to the kisser a nice big wad of monkey shit to the face! Stunned! The ranger calls out to the fighter to ya know... cc the guy. Fighter does what he knows best and punches the shit outta the cleric. He's out cold baby. So they take his spike and give it to the woman and she walks into a door shape in the air and there is a twinkle up at the shrine they were there for. Well of course this is weird. But ranger feelsbadman so she wipes away the monkey poo and the fighter ties him up because who knows what a man on that kind of mission would DO?! So they try to rationalize their actions to the cleric but this man is dead inside now. His whole reason for... well... not his whole reason but his conceived reason for being alive was gone! Just when they started to get up and about another one of those air doors appeared. Again, don't question a thing just do it! So they walk through!
Inside of this door there is the shrine. The drow woman is chanting spells and the drider woman is there, crucifix style, eyes closed as shimmering gems float around them. It's fucking weird. They all watch as the drow suddenly stabs the drider in the chest with the spike, causing blood to gush out and right into the drow's mouth. Its weird magical glittery blood and everyone is very confused! The draw drinks all of the drider blood and it suddenly both of their bodies contort into different forms. The drow is now a drider and the drider a drow who looks identical to the previous drow (also naked with a spike through her chest). The drider says "It is done!" And a big ol ran of sun comes down and a heavenly god voice confirms and the drider floats up into the air. (I cant remember if she retained this form or assumed another) BUT she flicked some stars at the fighter and the ranger because they ARE THE BEST and now they have silver star tattoos on their temples that are good for a wish!
The now god drider floats off into the sky and they are left there with the lifeless body of the now-drow woman. The feed her some of those sweet fruit and she heals some, ranger tells the cleric to heal her because the cleric has no reaction to any of this, he is lost at this point. He uses 4 cure light and she's good as new however she is not conscious. So we are all very confused, we pace around and look for clues, then we start cleaning off the weird runes around this shrine. They gotta mean something right?! Well the fighter is a pretty good janitor and he gets a vision as hes touching these runes and he's told that they can still save her. Something something must be given or something or another...
As the cleric hears this, he had gotten out of his hand bindings and he uses command to tell the two to get out of the circle. (Oh yea there was a very specific indention of the drow's body in the shrine and they had placed her there.) SO THEY CANT RESIST IT SO THEY DO. THE CLERIC WALKS OVER AND SLITS HIS THROAT. LIKE JUST KILLS HIMSELF RIGHT THERE. EVERYONE IS IN FUCKING SHOCK. EVEN THE MONKEY. They just watch as he collapses and dies over this drow's body.
He's bleeding all over her and as he does, the dark drow color of her skin starts to break off and underneath she is golden! A golden woman with wings emerges and she is so happy, so glad she is finally this way. She grabs the cleric and kisses his lips, breathing life into him, sealing the wound on his neck! HE'S ALIVE JIM! So everyone is freaking speechless and the angel woman is like, I'm staying with you guys for now, specially this one (the dang cleric) and they head back to the tree.
The end. for now.
