#aswisdomcomesquietly

[dipdieddreams]

My Inception hot take is that Arthur is the best character. He has the hardest job and executes it. With style and that slicked back hair.

He was Alyssa my favourite.

[dipdieddreams]

I went to see Captain America: Brave New World today.

Everyone else: who’s the green guy?

Me: it’s Dr Pedanski!

[dipdieddreams]

One thing I really appreciate about myself is I have a pretty good radar for what will be too hard to make myself do today.

That’s how I got through my childhood and teenage hood. Always doing the hard thing, using my will to overpower anyone else.

To be honest that’s how I’ve survived everything my life.

But at the moment I’m not doing good as my blog may indicate. And today I’m like ‘yeah I don’t have it in me to eat those protein oats so toast it is’

And I really need some Japanese food so I may just be nice and give myself some later after I go see Babygirl.

[dipdieddreams]

Trying to convince myself to go to the gym today by telling myself that my guy would have already done it.

And if I'm not gonna do it how can I expect them to?

I need to go either today or tomorrow, its easier to go today but I have OTHER THINGS TO DO.

[dipdieddreams]

I had a call with a doctor where she basically told me I was wasting NHS time and money by having my blood tests for a hair loss treatment and that I'm not a specialist so I should be worrying about my oestradiol levels.

Bitch it's my body.

I'm 27, healthy, and active - even I know I should not have the oestradiol levels of a post menopausal woman????

Seriously she was so fucking rude.

This is the kind of thing that flies under the radar and it could mean something more serious - she was like well it's not relevant and it's like - it's something up with my body of course its relevant - it's YOUR JOB to help me.

Yes I am also very sensitive and reactive today because I went to therapy and we had a breakthrough yes but it was like 'what does little you need to feel safe?'

And the answer is EVERYTHING.

[dipdieddreams]

A note to self: The bad thing you're afraid of hasn't happened yet.

I haven't not found a job yet.

The solution is out there.

[dipdieddreams]

Do you know what really pisses me off about a lot of manifestation coaches/healers etc?

They all had great self worth to begin with. Or some valuable talent.

Show me someone who has dragged themselves through the trenches of CPTSD and believing they are some kind of aberration inflicted on humanity? That no-one can possibly like them in their raw form.

Show me someone that has gone from ‘I deserve absolutely nothing and no-one and if I get even the barest minimum I can survive on that because I don’t have choice’ to living their dream life.

Show me someone who’s mothers idea of loving was teaching that person that everything about them was wrong and they must fit into society because nothing exists to serve them. Who has made it through to being served brilliantly and nourishing.

Show me someone who was the abused, neglected child, who spent their childhood and teens trying to make up for someone huge fundamental flaw they couldn’t identify that made them believe they deserved to be treated with disdain and indifference because how could anyone like or love them?

Show me someone who didn’t have a loving, stable partner who was there for all of their worst and helped with them financially.

Show me someone who waded through the darkest parts of their souls and emerged victorious. Someone who didn’t have that support network and safety and reprogrammed their brain and made it happen.

Show me someone -

And I’m like lol. The person I need is me. I’m not they’re yet but i’ll get there.

The most powerful thing I will ever say is ‘I did it’.

Watch me little me, watch me.

[dipdieddreams]

Torn between the safety of 'they're not even aware enough of you to judge you' and needing to believe that people do love and care about me actually.