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Beneath the layers of her scratchy prison uniform, a throwing knife was secured to a garter around her thigh. It was gifted to her by the warden’s niece - a girl her age with piercing eyes and a wry smile.
Maitrī | read here on AO3 | Yue x Mai | Rated M
written for ATLA Femslash Week Day 1 - home/trust
princess yue became a spirit, and this is her chance to start a new life in the spirit world. painted lady is ready to help her to start this way and get comfortable in this place
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Azula/Ty Lee (Avatar), Mai & Ty Lee (Avatar), Katara & Ty Lee (Avatar)
Characters: Ty Lee (Avatar), Azula (Avatar), Mai (Avatar), Katara (Avatar), The Gaang (Avatar)
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers
Summary:
Ty Lee’s heart thrilled in her chest. Azula sat on her heels, arrogant and composed as ever. But Ty Lee could read her like a book. She saw the way Azula avoided her eyes, avoided looking anywhere but her friend’s outstretched hands. It was so easy to ruffle her. Batting her eyelids, flattering her with a particularly adoring compliment, brushing the ends of her long hair over her arm as they walked past each other. Ty Lee did it all. Seeing the smallest twitch of a smile, or an imperceptible stammer in her words, or, her favourite, the slightest hint of pink on her cheeks was exhilarating, all the more for the rarity of anyone unsettling Azula. Anyone but Ty Lee of course.
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Modern AU set in Ba Sing Se where Ty Lee has sworn off all emotionally unavailable closet cases, but finds herself swept away all over again. The Tyzula romcom you never knew you needed
Ty Lee POV
For the Modern AU prompt for ATLA Femslash Week 2020
I really had to think about what pairing i wanted for this prompt, but i decided, why not the islands creator? Kyoshi herself, and of course her beautiful fire nation girlfriend. (Not to mention I had recently fallen in love with this ship)
Summary: Azula struggles to recover and make the most of her second chance. Mai helps her work through it.
Azula isn’t sure that this is how second chances are supposed to work. She thinks that she is supposed to feel relieved; she’d just laid her pride aside and asked for forgiveness, she’d just apologized. Isn’t she supposed to feel weightless?
She doesn’t she only feels battered, small, and humiliated.
She feels no closer to being loved or accepted than she had before she’d made a fool of herself. They may not hate her, if their words are to be believed, but they sure as hell take care to avoid her.
She is still alone. The only difference is that she has lost her dignity and self-esteem on top of it all.
She wishes that she hadn’t asked for forgiveness at all.
She wishes that she didn’t need to. She wishes that she could have just been a decent, more loveable person from the start. But she hadn’t been and she can’t change it now. She doesn’t think that she can do anything short of awkwardly interjecting into conversation and she has already humiliated herself enough.
She spends much of her time alone in the palace garden, trying to keep herself together. She doesn’t want to go back to the institution, but the longer she is alone, the longer she sits there by herself, the worse she feels. The more she slips. Her stomach ties itself into sorrowful knots, she scans the garden before allowing herself to shed some tears. She bunches herself up on the bench.
She doesn’t want to be alone anymore. She thinks that they might sympathize, might forgive her, if they saw her like this. But Agni is she afraid to let anyone see her like this. They’ll take advantage of it, they’ll belittle her, make her feel weaker…
Azula sits herself up and rubs the heels of her hands against her eyes. She tries to will herself to stop crying. But the thoughts harass her, memories bombard her. Memories of times before things were so horrible, so lonely and dark.
It leaves her heart and mind aching to recall how close she had been to TyLee and Mai. She grips the edge of her chair and stares down at her feet trying to regain her composure. She rubs her hands over her face, feeling infinitely worse.
When she looks up she sees a figure looming over her. Her mood plummets further. Evidently, Mai is the last person she’d wanted catching her cry.
Mai gives a drawn out sigh. “This definitely doesn’t suit you.”
Azula wipes her eyes and allows herself to wipe her eyes.
“And here I didn’t think that you had emotions.”
That is rich coming from her.
“I try not to.” She mutters. “They don’t do me any good.”
“Because you don’t express them enough.” Zuko appears from behind.
Azula sniffs hauntily. “Because the last time I did it, it went over so well.”
Zuko furrows his brows. “Why do you think that it didn’t?”
“I’m still alone, aren’t I?”
“No, you aren’t.” He says.
She quirks a brow. “Who do I have, Zuzu.”
Mai rolls her eyes, “for someone so smart, it's amazing that you can’t figure out how to interact with people and take social cues.” She pauses. “We’re checking on you because you haven’t talked to us since you apologized.”
Azula slightly purses her lips, “I...you guys…” she trails off. “You didn’t want to talk to me?” She intended for it to be a statement but it sounds more like a question.
“That’s not true, Azula.” Zuko insists.
“Then why am I alone?” She hisses.”
“Because you isolate yourself?” Mai shoots back.
Azula narrows her eyes, she isn’t sure if she is more angry or upset. She knows for sure that she is frustrated, and perhaps, confused.
“You can’t just expect everyone to forgive you after one apology, you have to put in an effort.” Mai adds.
Azula rubs her hands over her face. She isn’t sure what else she is supposed to say, what more effort can she possibly put in? She just knows that she doesn’t want to be hated. “I did put in effort.” She mumbles.
.oOo.
Azula’s expression dims considerably and Mai sighs. She almost feels bad. Almost, she isn’t willing to let things go that easily. She has never seen the princess look so lost and almost desperate. It is somehow satisfying, frankly, Azula is due for a struggle or two. Though she supposes that, having lived her life so smoothly, she isn’t entirely metnally equipped for a prolonged struggle.
Or maybe she is. Mai can’t imagine that she would have fallen apart so substantially if she hadn’t already had some deep and untended mental wounds.
She doesn’t want to let Azula off the hook so easily, and yet, she could very well push the princess away for good if she doesn’t relent a little. At least Zuko speculates as much; it is the reason that they have bothered to check on her now.
“Some effort this is.” Mai comments despite herself.
Azula’s face seems to grow even more vacant. She gives the slightest head shake. “Forget this.” She stands quite abruptly and makes her retreat, ignoring Zuko’s call.
.oOo.
It was a mistake, she had made a mistake. She’d made a mistake and made a fool of herself. A second chance was supposed to be a fresh start and yet she feels as though she has only fallen further behind. That she has sacrificed a part of herself for nothing at all.
She steals away into her room. Likely she won’t leave it until everyone is asleep. If she is going to be alone, she will be alone in peace. But when nightfall comes around, she finds that she hasn’t the energy nor motivation to be up and about.
When the nightfall comes it hits her in full. She has messed her second chance up, not that she truly had one at all. Even so, she has done damage beyond repair.
Azula rubs her face against the pillow and tries to alleviate the flutter in her belly. It refuses to subside. Her head hurts. She thinks that it is stress. She just wants to feel good again. At the very least, she just wants to feel right again.
She wants to belong.
She wants the care that everyone else gets.
She clutches her head in her hands and curls in on herself.
She wants to be okay.
She isn’t okay.
Azula wakes to the sound of knocking at her door but she doesn’t want to get up. Whoever it is, lets themself in. “Zuko told me to come check on you again.” Mai comments nonchalantly.
“You’ve done your job. You can go now.” She doesn’t lift her head, there isn’t a point. She imagines that Mai has better matters to attend anyhow. For a moment, she thinks that Mai is going to listen and retreat. Instead she languidly lies down next to Azula with her hands folded just below her chest.
“I said that you can go now…”
“Remember when we went to the beach?”
“I try not to.”
“And we were talking about our feelings.”
And hers had been well and played off, not just by them but by she herself. She imagines that they had agreed with her anyhow. “What about it?”
“You said that I need to express myself more.”
“What of it?” Azula mutters. “Are you going to take the opportunity to lay out your grievances with me now.”
“I think that I’ve already done that.” Mai pauses. “I was going to say that maybe you need to express yourself more. There are more emotions than angry and empowered.”
She is abundantly aware; sorrow, hurt, betrayal, confusion, and venrability create an awful cocktail in her mind and she is nearly at another breaking point. Her breath catches and her eyes sting.
She isn’t going to cry again.
“You can talk about how you feel.” Mai continues. “And I don’t mean flippant and off-handed remarks.”
“Then what exactly do you want?” She asks. “Begging. A real sob story.”
“Begging works for me.”
Azula isn’t sure if she had meant it in jest or in seriousness.
“But a real sob story works too.”
“And then you’ll throw it back in my face…”
“See, this is your problem. You don’t let people in. You don’t trust people.”
Azula’s draws a sharp breath as her mother’s face resurfaces in her mind. Fear is the only reliable way, but she doesn’t instill that anymore either. She has nothing. She finds herself gripping her head again.
.oOo.
In spite of everything, Mai’s heart tightens for her former friend. She is very visibly distressed, which is rather uncommon for her. But Agni, if it isn’t a good place to start. It is a wide open door. Truly she doesn’t know why she cares, she really shouldn’t. “Maybe you can start by telling me why you’re so upset right now.”
Azula is silent for a very long time. Mai is just about ready to give up and wander off to do something that has the potential for productivity. She catches Azula mumble something, she isn’t even sure if the princess is talking to her at all. She may very well be talking to herself again.
“I can’t trust people.”
Mai halts.
“They use me.” She adds very quietly. “Father used me. Zuzu used me to find mother…” With each word her voice seems to sound almost weaker. “People only want me when I can get them something. That’s why nobody wants me now.”
“Nobody wants you now because you treated everyone like they were disposable.” And so they threw her out first. It is her own fault. Azula goes quiet again. “You don’t have anything to say?”
“What do you want me to say.” Her voice is so soft that Mai can barely hear her.
“You always seem to have something to say.”
“I don’t this time.”
“Because I’m right?”
“I guess, maybe.” Azula mutters. “Probably.” And then after a moment. “You can go now.”
She isn’t going to let it go that easily. If she can push a little harder…
She is going to have to show the princess mercy if she does. “Do you even care?”
“About what?” Azula asks.
“About how you treated everyone? Does it bother you at all?”
Azula doesn’t answer for a good while. “Maybe. I think so.”
Mai sits back down, this time at the foot of the bed. She wishes that the princess would just let it out.
“I guess that I wouldn’t feel like this if it didn’t.”
“Feel like what?” she pushes further.
“I don’t know.” Azula replies.
And for the first time, Mai considers that Azula genuinely might not know. That she truly doesn’t understand her own emotions nor how to express them.
“Unwell.” She says after thinking.
Mai quirks a brow. “Could the word you’re looking for be, guilty? Ashamed?”
.oOo.
Azula swallows. That sounds about right. It sounds right but she isn’t sure what Mai will do, how she will weaponize that if she confirms as much. She supposes that she has nothing left to lose. She simply nods. “Among other things.”
“What other things?”
Mai is merciless.
Azula toys with her bedsheets for a good while before answering. “Isolated.” She gives another very extended pause. “Miserable.” She is tired, so very tired. This conversation is exhausting her. “I can’t do this.” She whispers more to herself. But it would seem that Mai is able to make it out.
“You can’t do what?”
“My head hurts.”
“I can have one of the servants fix you a headache soothing tea.”
Azula nods. Tea sounds nice.
“What can’t you do?”
“Keep talking about this.” She replies. Though she thinks a border, all-encompassing ‘can’t’ is more accurate. Truth be told, she isn’t sure how much longer she can hold on for. “I just want to feel like myself again.” She doesn’t want to be tired and hurt. She misses her confidence and motivation. Her drive and her pride. She misses everything that she used to be.
Mostly everything.
“We can talk about something else.”
.oOo.
They do.
They talk for hours about everything but how the princess feels.They talk until Azula seems to forget about her pain at least for a little while. And that is just it. Pain. She doesn’t say it aloud but Mai comes to conclude that Azula is hurt. If she is anything like Zuko--and, as much as they’d both hate the comparison, they are alike--hurt is conveyed and masked by anger and coldness.
Mai thinks that Azula has been hurting all along. That she hid it very deeply beneath layers of intimidation and a stoic demeanor.
“Can I ask you something else?”
“Hmm?” Azula mumbles. She snuggles her head against the pillow, closing her eyes.
“You’re sad, aren’t you? That’s the other thing you feel, isn’t it?”
Azula nods again.
“Do you at least feel a little better now?’
She shakes her head. “I did for a moment. But, this isn’t going to work out. Something is going to go wrong…”
“That doesn’t have to be true.” Mai says.
“I don’t have what Zuko did. I don’t have anyone who is going to support me no matter what I do…” She pauses.
“I will.”
“But you didn’t.”
Mai cringes. “You were going to kill him.”
“I wasn’t going to kill him.”
“But you were going to let those guards kill him. I couldn’t let you do that.”
Azula presses her lips together and seems to shudder.
“Is that really what you would have wanted?” Mai asks. “You’re a lot of things, Azula, but I don’t think that you would have been able to live with killing your own brother.”
Azula grips at her head again and Mai’s stomach flutters. This time her grip is so tight that she can see the princess’ knuckles. Mai takes her hands and gently rubs the backs of them, “relax.”
She feels Azula’s hands flex. “I can’t.” It comes out as more of a gasp. Mai notices that she is shaking, if only slightly.
“Believe it or not, I like to think that I was helping you. If you killed Zuko, you wouldn’t have been able to come back from that. But you can come back from this.”
Azula shakes her head again. “No, Mai. I can’t.”
“You can. You just need to do what you’re good at; keep fighting.”
“You love him more than you fear me.”
“Yes.” Mai agrees. “But I don’t love him more than I love you.” She flinches at her own admission. She hadn’t meant to let that slip. She dares to hope that Azula hadn’t caught it. But Azula has a habit for catch even subtleties, and Mai hadn’t been subtle.
“You love me?”
Mai sighs and squeezes Azula’s hand. “I just wish that you’d stop making it so hard.”
“But what about Zuko?”
“Well since we’re sharing feelings today; to be honest, I’m still angry about the letter. He does a lot of things that...bother me. I like your brother, he’s a good person but we argue too much.”
“I promise you that you’d argue with me more.” Azula shifts, her hair falls over her shoulders.
Mai quirks a brow. “You have no idea how much Zuko and I argued, do you? He fought with me over what shade of red our flags are.”
“They are maroon.” Azula replies.
“That’s what I said. He keeps saying that they are crimson.”
Azula sakes her head. “Maroon is darker. Our flags are darker.”
“See, you and I already agree on more than what Zuko and I agree on.”
Azula chuckles. It is the first time that Mai has heard her laugh in ages. The first time she has heard the princess laugh without malice in an even longer span of time. She does have a rather charming laugh.
Mai very nearly groans. It is much harder to stay resentful when the princess lets her guard down.
“Are you...actually entertaining the idea that we could be…” Azula asks.
It occurs to Mai that, that is exactly what she had done. “Alright, how about this. You make a real effort to get better and make amends with everyone and you might just get a kiss.”
TyLee would be gushing.
She might have imagined it, but she thinks that the princess’ eyes had lit up, if only slightly. She certainly sits up with an almost rejuvenated energy. Mai supposes that even a small glimmer of hope can go a long way with someone as broken and downcast as Azula is. “How?” Her voice is quieter again.
Mai thinks for a moment. She supposes that she can show mercy. “You can start by coming to dinner tonight and then breakfast and actually starting a conversation instead of expecting us to come to you.” If this is too much she supposes that she’d be willing to settle for Azula simply talk about how she feels at the end of each day. Frankly, that might be good for Azula anyhow so she adds that as a second thing for the princess to do.
“I can try.” Azula resigns herself to it.
“Good. Because dinner starts in about twenty minutes. You can get dressed and come with me.” She guess that she can give the princess some leeway if she misses a day or two. But she doesn’t tell her as much.
.oOo.
Having a pattern has helped.
And once she’d gotten used to it, it helps to have opened up and to continue to do so. She does feel much less heavy. Much less oppressed and overburdened. She thinks that this must be it, that this is how a second chance feels.
This time she is not alone in the garden. Not for long anyhow. She sees Mai lazily making her way across the courtyard with an armful of pastries. They will spend the first half an hour to themselves and then the others will come along.
It is nice to have Mai back. It is nicer still to have reassurance that she is lovable in spite of her prickly, rather abrasive, personality. She supposes that these traits compliment Mai’s cynicism well. They both share a love for dark humor.
They both help each other express themselves, even if it is because they have managed to aggravate each other that thoroughly.
They don’t do this very often. Evidently Azula finds herself perhaps too cautious about avoiding conflict. She knows how she can be and she isn’t pleased with it. Mostly she tries to be agreeable. And mostly it works. She finds that she doesn’t particularly disagree with Mai and Zuko’s ideals and values after giving herself some time to think about her own.
She has thought about a lot of things. About her world views, about her social views. About her life and herself in general. She concludes that she is mostly satisfied. She isn’t yet entirely comfortable with the person she has evolved into, she has to get used to it. But she is aware that it is for the better. That she is better. That despite it all, she feels better.
Mai sits down, “fire flakes?”
Azula picks one from the bowl and pops it into her mouth.
“Well?”
“I’m feeling better.” Azula says. “I feel like I’m not hated anymore.” It is more than just a small relief. “Yourself?” She realizes that it is the first time she has actually inquired about Mai’s day. Clearly the question has caught her off guard.
“I’m…” she thinks. “I’m happy.”
“You? Happy?” Azula snickers. “Why is that?”
“Because, honestly, I didn’t think that any of this would work out.” She shrugs. “I thought that you’d cooperate for a few days and just...decide that it wasn’t for you. But you didn’t.”
“It’s a working method.” She shrugs. “I can’t argue with something efficient.” She is certainly happy to not be a mess of emotions. And more pleased to not be one comment away from weeping all the time.
Mai takes her hand and gives her a small kiss. It is her daily treat. As promised, she gets one for every day that she shares her emotions. She gets one on the bad days.
She gets several on her bad days. And suddenly her bad days aren’t so terrible. At the very least she knows that she is loved. Even when the day was spent bickering Mai still offers a kiss. Even if they say nothing else after it. Even if they wake up angry at each other, she still gets her nightly kiss. She still shoves her anger aside for approximately ten seconds, five if she is truly pissed, and lets Mai kiss her.
It makes her feel whole. It makes her feel less like a weapon or an extension of her Nation’s will and more like a human. A human with feelings. Feelings that she is learning to be open to and about.
It makes her feel like she truly has been given a second chance.
