#atticus temple

[shbrixx]

Maybe in another life I could find you there Pulled away before your time I can't deal, it's so unfair And it feels And it feels like Heaven's so far away

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[shbrixx]

Everlie’s eyes ran over Attie from head to toe, stopping on her stomach for no more than a second. She couldn’t stop. Every part of Attie was worn and roughed by time. Premature wrinkles framed her eyes. They hadn’t been there before. Or maybe they had, she hadn’t really payed much attention lately. She knew her own face had aged in the last couple of weeks. It wasn’t just their youth that was stolen from them. Dreams that never came true. Wishes that went unanswered. Time was a bitch, and childhood never lasted. They had to grow up sooner or later, and it was time that they did, she supposed. Time for taking over the world had long since passed.

“Let’s do it.” Her voice surprised both of them, herself mostly. She hadn’t meant to say anything out loud, but it came out before she could stop herself.

“Do what?” Attie asked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

“Let’s leave. Me and you. We can make that dream of yours a reality. We could be a family. Let’s leave and go away. Just us.” For a second Attie was silent, but then she let out a sharp laugh, pushing herself off the ground.

“Right, that would be nice.” She uttered stodgily. Everlie followed her quickly to her feet, getting in front of her before she could trail off.

“I’m serious.”

“So am I,” Attie snapped. “Ev, we can’t run away together. You’re parents hate me enough as it is, if we left, they would have me arrested for kidnapping. It’s a wonderful dream, but that’s all it is.” Everlie placed her hands on either side of Attie’s shoulders, her eyes more intense than she had ever seen them before, a dark forest green on a moonless night. Attie swallowed hard, unable to look away.

“I can’t stay here, Atticus. I am drowning. I have to get out before I stop breathing. You always told me you would take me away, that we would run away together. Please, do this for me. Get me out of here. I want to leave, with you, both of you. They’ll think I’m in New York. I’ll call them and tell them I went ahead with the program. We can do this. Me and you, and the baby. Together.” Atticus was silent for so long, Everlie’s chest began to ache. She felt like all the air in the room had suddenly been whisked away from the wind outside. For too long, she felt like Attie was going to disappear again. For the past two weeks she’s been waiting for her to leave, to decide to go back to the city without her. And now, it would be the last straw. If she lost Attie again, then she wasn’t sure how she could handle it, not on top of everything. For a long moment, that’s exactly what she thought was going to happen. She just knew that Attius was going to say no, and that would be the end of it. But she instead she leaned down and placed a breath of a kiss on Everlie’s parted lips before leaning back out again, her face pulled together tightly.

“I’ve hurt you—“ She whispered, biting down sharply on her bottom lip. Everlie brushed her deep orange hair out of her eyes, now holding her face in both hands. “I always hurt you—“

“I know, but I’ve hurt you too. We both hurt each other. It took me loosing you, Attie, to realize what’s important. And I don’t care anymore about labels, or people knowing that we’re together. I just care about you. And if we’re together that’s all I care about. We can take things as slow as you want. Hell, I don’t even care if you don’t want to be with me that way. I just know, I can’t lose you again, Attie. Please—“

Attie sucked in sharply. “I don’t want to lose you either…your family, E…you don’t want to lose them. I know you. You don’t want to do this to them—“

“I don’t. But I know if I stay here with them hovering over me all the time, I’m going to push them away, and I’ll lose them regardless. This is what I want, Atticus. I want to leave here with you like we’ve always planned. We can take over the world like when we were kids. Our world. Our life---“ She crushed her lips to Attie’s, not thinking anymore, just needing, wanting. She didn’t care if it was selfish, she probably was being. But after everything that’s happened, she need to be selfish for one second. She wanted Atticus Mae Temple every day every second for the rest of her life. She just needed her to want the same thing.

“Okay.” Attie breathed against Everlie’s lips. “Screw it. Let’s do it. Me and you, forever. But first,” She held Ev at arm’s length for face split in two with the biggest smile she had seen on her in a long time. “We can’t go tonight. You have to get your meds. I’m not taking you anywhere without your prescriptions, Everlie. I’ve got to do something before I go. I want to see my m-mom one last time before we put this town in the rearview…and you need to get your things. Okay?”

“Okay, and then we leave, right?”

“Tomorrow morning. Meet me here at ten. Make sure you have everything you need.” She placed a hand on her stomach, Everlie smiling down at the bump. “We’ll, both, see you soon.”

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[shbrixx]

“Do you regret finding out?” Everlie asked, her voice a murmur against Attie’s shoulder. She traced her finger tip along her skin, finding the outline of the tattoo they shared. She smiled against Atticus thinking of the perfect day she had stored away in her memories, forever hers to keep. Attie shifted her weight leaning further back Ev’s chest.

“I know it’s not really that accurate, but I mean, it makes it more real, you know? It’s like…I finally can accept that there really is this…thing inside of me…it just makes it scarier.” Everlie nodded her head, pressing a lingering kiss on her shoulder blade, and on the side of her head. Her hands trailed down to hold where Atticus’ swollen stomach pushed against the tight tank she swore. Under her touch, Attie tensed before her hand came down to rest on top of Everlie, more than once trying to move it away.

“I like the idea of a little you running around. It reminds me of when we were kids, if that makes sense.” Attie cocked her head, smiling up at Everlie, but it was sad which made Everlie’s smile fade. “I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” She shook her head, sighing.

“No, it’s okay. I think I need to talk about it. Unless it makes you uncomfortable.” Everlie’s brows furrowed together.

“Why would you think that?” She asked.

“I mean, you’re kind of in love with a girl, who’s pregnant by…god knows who. Isn’t it weird for you?” She brushed another kiss on her temple, tightening her grip around the red head’s waist.

“A little,” She admitted. “But I love you, every part of you.” Everlie waited a second, chewing on the inside of her cheek before finding the right words. “H-have you decided? I mean, what you’re going to do?” Attie sat forward so she was no longer leaning against Everlie, which made the breeze from outside only emphasize the space between them.

Attie picked at her nails as she spoke, strained and coarse. “No. I know what I don’t want, though. I-I don’t want to get a…you know. After what you told me about your birth mother. It just doesn’t seem right anymore. I couldn’t do that.” It was Everlie’s turn to fidget, her body warming at the mention.

“So you’re thinking of putting her up for adoption?” Everlie couldn’t look up at Attie, even though she was now watching her, with a fragment of a smile on her face.

“You’re certain it’s a girl?” Everlie shrugged noncommittally.

“Like I said, I like the idea of a little you running around. Complete with red hair and a fiery personality.” Atticus turned around so they were facing each other now. She lifted Everlie’s chin up so they were looking one another in the eyes, the air suddenly stilling, the wind outside silent.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Ev nodded. “I can’t…stop thinking about it…It’s normal, I know, but…I dream about a baby almost every night. I dream that I keep it, and…it’s so tiny…sometimes you’re there, and we’re…like this little family and we raise the baby together. I think…I think that this baby could be a fresh start. I think I could really start my life over and be a different person. I want to do right by her, I just don’t know what that means yet.” Everlie’s face softened before she grabbed hold of Attie’s face in her hands, searching her eyes, her thumbs brushing the sides of her cheeks.

“If you decided to keep her, I know you would be one amazing ass mother. If you decide to give her up, then you did what you thought was best. And that just goes to show you really did care about her all along…” Everlie’s voice was distant, her train of thought somewhere else entirely. 

“Hey, look at me. How are you holding up, E?”

Everlie did, look up, as she ran a hand through her bangs, leaning back against the sofa, her eyes closing softly. A loud howl crept through the small wooden room, making the small girl jump. “I’m better.” Attie raised her eyebrows, which Everlie tried to ignore but ultimately failed. “I don’t know. I’m—I’m angry…all the time…and I don’t know how not to be. I haven’t had a conversation with either of my mom’s that didn’t end up in fighting since I found out, and it’s k-killing me. I miss them, but every time they try to talk to me they give me this look…pitty, guilt…I can’t help it but I just blow up on them. I know they’re trying, but…I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She placed her head in her hands, rubbing at her tired eyes. Attie rubbed small circles on Everlie’s back to sooth her.

“Nothings wrong with you. You’re upset. You have a right to be. It’s just going to take time for you to learn to cope. You have to learn to live with this shitty situation that’s been put on your shoulders. How’s Jo handling it by the way?” Everlie groaned deep into her palms.

“I don’t even know. I can’t talk to him about it. I’m a horrible sister, but I keep avoiding him. I feel like I’m in a nightmare, Attie, and I don’t know how to wake up anymore.” Atticus pulled Everlie into her arms, leaning their heads together.

“I know what you mean.” She whispered, letting out a sour laugh. “When did our lives go to shit, E? I remember when we were younger, and things were easier. We were just kids wanting to conquer the world…we should have taken over this town when we had the chance, before time took away our innocence.”

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[shbrixx]

“Tomorrow?” Everlie asked, her voice shaking with excitement and nerves. Attie’s smile brightened up the small tree house.  “Tomorrow,” She whispered. “Everlie...I love you, you know that right?” “I know. I love you too, Atticus.”

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[shbrixx]

“You can trust me, Ev.” Everlie’s heart stuttered for a second before the words reached her mind. She twisted them and turned them over and over again, coming up with the same solution each time. Everlie quickly jerked her hand free from her friends, her eyes lowering into a glare that made Attie blush deep red.

“You? I-I can’t trust you, Attie. You lied to me too. You left me. You ran away to The City…everyone I care about lies to me. You’re not the exception.”

“Everlie, that whole situation…ugh, it’s not what it seemed—“

“You know what,” Her voice was rising. “That’s exactly what my parents told me too. Everyone says it’s not what it seems, but it turns out to be exactly what it seems. How the hell after everything I just told you, how can you say that to me?” She had to stop for a second, her voice loud enough to catch the attention of someone outside.

Attie closed her eyes, “I didn’t come here to fight.”

Crossing her hands over her chest, “Then why did you come here? Why are you here, Atticus?” Her eyes flashed open, landing on the smaller girl.

“Because I was scared! When Ianthe called me and told me you were in the hospital…Everlie I drove the entire night to get here, afraid…damn it I thought I was going to get here, and you were going to be—fucking, Everlie, despite what you think I do fucking care about you…E I love you, now and forever. I’m always going to be here for you when you need me, can you understand that?” Atticus let the tear that had fallen from her eyes disappear onto the ground below as she watched Everlie’s face soften, and nod her head slowly. Her brows furrowed together as something spun inside her mind.

“M-my mom called you?” Attie, shocked by the question, shrugged her shoulders. She too looked exhausted, like she hadn’t slept in a week, dark circles under her sunken in eyes. 

Struggling, “Attie what happened? Why did you leave? Why did your dad kick you out?” She waited a second, Atticus ignoring the hard look in her eyes. She waited, but no answer came. Strained, she began again, “Attie, I need to know the truth. Please. I’m tired of people hiding things from me. Not you too, okay? Please?” Atticus blinked away another tear as she stared at her lap, her voice that of a scolded child.

“You’re…you’re not going to like it.” Everlie slipped her hand into Attie’s again, giving it a tight squeeze, as if to transfer some of her bravery onto Attie. This made the corners of her mouth tilt upwards for a second, before forming a tight line again.

“I still...I still need to know.”

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[shbrixx]

“I had no idea,” Attie’s voice was flat against the beeping of the hospital machines. Everlie had disconnected herself from the machines earlier, annoyed will the noise in her ears, only to be greeted by more noise from her doctors and nurses. She let them yell at her with not so much as a look in their direction. She merely let out a shaky hot breath when she overheard them talking to her parents about her mental health; they were worried about her being depressed, which they assumed would lead to something drastic. She wasn’t depressed. She was pissed. And the way she looked at it, she had two options—keep her mouth shut and let everyone get themselves worked up for nothing while she processed things in her own time, or go with what she really wanted to do, which was start screaming, crying, and throwing a fit like the toddler she felt inside. But that wouldn’t convince anyone of her mental state, herself included. She went with the former, only letting herself feel anything when she was alone, where no one could study her like a specimen in a petri dish. When she was alone, which wasn’t often she let herself think of her birth mother and her adoptive mothers. She thought of a different life, one in which she hadn’t been put up for adoption, but that never felt right inside, however, neither did the so called family who lied to her for her entire life. Her brain was a mess. Her heart weakened.

On the second night, she had a visitor. Gen was at home showering, getting ready to come back, Ianthe downstairs talking with the rest of her siblings, who were all ready to head back to their lives, since they were able to. At first, Everlie thought she was dreaming. Her meds were making things fuzzy, and sometimes she couldn’t remember falling asleep, or waking up, it all just drifted together in a sickening shade of bright whiteness. But when she came into the room, shutting the door softly behind her, and stood in front of Everlie, somehow she knew it was real, Attie was real. It wasn’t until Atticus bent down and kissed her tenderly on the head, that Everlie found her whole body caving in with grief and unexplained loneliness. Attie had settled her, letting her cry deep sobs into the crook of her neck, shooshing her, and brushing her hair away from the tear and snot mixture that accumulated on her cheeks. She let her get it all out without saying a word, her hands strong and soft on her back and in her hair and on her face. It was almost too much to handle, but the thought of her letting go made Everlie almost be sick everywhere.

Once the outside light from the windows turned a soft hue of orange, Ev finally sat up, wiped away the tears and stared at the floor. Together they sat in silence for a long time, Everlie not ready to talk, and Atticus not wanting to rush her. She took a deep breath, filling her lungs with the terrible smell of alcohol and bleach, mixed with the sweet scent of apples from her friend, and dared to sneak a look over at Atticus, who was already watching her calmly.

“I had no idea,” She repeated after Everlie finished telling her everything with a drained exhale. She shook her head, hair falling in front of her face, too exhausted to care.

“You couldn’t have…I didn’t—“ They sat together staring at the floor, their shoulders just far enough apart so they didn’t touch. The space between them was alive with fire and electricity. Everlie’s body buzzed with it, giving her some semblance of energy.

“I don’t even know what to say, E.” Again, she shook her head.

“There’s nothing you can say.” The silence between them hung heavy in the small hospital room. It made the hole in Everlie’s chest grow that she couldn’t talk to Attie anymore; that she didn’t know how to. Attie ran a hand through her hair, noticeably shaking.

“Have you thought about what you’re going to do? I mean…are you going to find your birth mother?” Everlie’s lime green eyes caught hold of Attie’s azure colored orbs; she dared not to look away.

“I-I don’t know anything about her. I know her name is Mary Roberts. The letters are all from different addresses, but from the same city—“

“That’s a start.” There was a spark of hope in Attie’s eyes. “Where did they come from?” Everlie played with a frayed string on her hospital gown.

“New Twinbrook City.” She whispered. The electricity between them only grew.

“Of course.” Attie laughed with no humor. “Okay. What do you want to do? I’ll help you with whatever you decide. Do you want to go see her? Do you want to write to her? Do you want to talk to your moms about this?”

Anger bubbled up inside of her at just them mention. “No. That’s the last thing I want. I-I just don’t know, Attie. I want to meet her. I want to ask her why...I have to understand because I don’t. I don’t understand how a woman who could write those things… that said those things to me in the letters…I don’t see how that woman can be capable of the horrible things my mom said she did to me…and to Jonah….One of them has to be lying. I just don’t know who I can trust anymore.” Attie dared to break the barrier between them and crossed the line, grabbing hold of Everlie’s hand. She let out a gasp at the contact, looking up to meet Attie’s gaze, face serious and troubled.

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[shbrixx]

I'd drive through the night Just to be near you, baby Heart old and testified Tell me that I'm not crazy

Please have mercy on me Take it easy on my heart Even though you don't mean to hurt me You keep tearing me apart

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[shbrixx]

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