#augustwinter

[thelonelyspecter]

There will come a time when you can lead me no longer; there will come a point where you're no longer there and I must lead my own. I look back and see the path that you and I shared and I see how much I strayed... my only wish is that i could of followed you just a little longer, perhaps stayed the course and you would of stayed insight just a little longer. (But) Now, you're gone... I started this race with you already there in mid stride and you finally did it. You won... you began to pull away at first a little at a time but it got to the point where you where miles away and only going faster... (And) now...I'm lost with out you.. where did you go?.. so many paths.. how was i to know which road? Its lead me so far away...

[film-book]

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Film Review: WOMEN TALKING (2022): Sarah Polley's Film is an Artistic Triumph That Tackles Difficult Subject Matter https://film-book.com/film-review-women-talking-2022-sarah-polleys-film-is-an-artistic-triumph-that-tackles-difficult-subject-matter/?feed_id=114981&_unique_id=637da3274b204

[thelonelyspecter]

The council: You say it's like being "wrapped in love" can you elaborate?

Me: that's honestly an impossible question to answer; how do you define the feeling of love? Which sence would you use? To define love I'd say that its...warm yet...cold. its bright, as if a beam of light shone mear inches away from your face but...it can be dark also. Like.. the grimmest, inkyiest, black of dark. Its soft and enveloping like the fur lined of your favorite winter jacket and rough and maring like the mountains that scrape our skies... its.... its...... like the whisper of angel and the roaring howls of the foulest of beats. It's that breath you take someone grabs you from behind, yet you knew it was the embrace of someone who's heart was your to cherish. You just knew it. The concept of love can be found in life, in all our fights, all our embraces, through every laugh and every tear; these are all apart of love but that isnt what should be in question; I was able to call up any of those individuals at any moment I so chooseed . In my coldest of nights I could feel the warmth of her embrace. When my inner demons would scream through the night, her voice would soothe them to sleep. to feel that shutter through my body the very first moment we kissed. (And) even that gut wrenching feeling..that..that uncontrollable shaking you get as youre laying curled in an agonizing mass kind if feeling when you find her cheating and then finally hearing that...."goodbye," THAT IS WHY I DO IT! TO FEEL LOVE.. TO FEEL PAIN... JUST TO FINALLY FEEL ALIVE!!!!!!! But with all my power it only lasts just a little while, dwindling down into nothingness. No warmth, no pain, no... anything. And I'm tired of that. Im tired of only just existing. So life less, so numb..

.seeing her smile just one more time... I'd do just about anything now wouldn't I?.

[thelonelyspecter]

Me: the eyes tell all; it's like... its like.. it's like the moment I caught Rachael cheating on me...

Avatar: that must of been pretty indescribable

Me: I had never seen someone look so defeated..

[thelonelyspecter]

It's like knowing the sun is warm but only just truly FEELING the sun I'd warmth. As if you knew only pictures of reality the walking out and basking in it and experiencing each new sensation and it lasts but only for a moment. Like moving through space.its enveloping me; time and reality slips through my fingers as a swift river cascades over the mouth of the falls ; tha is time, that is reality. A tangible concept. Constant currents ripping through pulling in every which way but back. This tide this twisting serpent swirles down the path that lead to madness. This sweet sweet moment eeve plunged to... I grumble in the depths st the thought of making it out

[thelonelyspecter]

Them: Why did yea do it? Was it worth it to throw all this away!?!

August: "Was it worth it? Too when was it not? For the first time since ages past I felt that longing embrace; the warmth flowed through me, I felt weak but moreover tired. It felt like I finally fell from exhaustion and right before they could claim victory I was caught by an angelic being. Such divinity belongs to no man..no...but to something much much more. (And) Through waves of coursing energy you could feel her thoughts, emotions, desires.... and to not only feel it but to understand stand it? Not just her lusts and wants but her.. love, her admiration, her adore ment of such aworthless shadow of a man like myself. To feel like I was being held just one last time and to actually feel loved... God I can feel it now; her forehead pressed against the side of mine, washing away the pain with a simple kiss of the cheek... you ask why I would do this? I ask you how far you would go to feel loved? The bottom of a drink? The tip of a needle? You ask was it worth it? Fuck yea it was; not only do I feel it but with each passing time I watch her go and the warmth slips away; the rusted pain that is left each time; grinds my waking conscious down letting the numbing cold creep deeper in. My emotions harden as the frost forms quickly through my every day motions. You see, I'm numbed through the day, like the day she left, and at night I feel like the first day that we met and the warmth of her embrace engulfs me one more. It's a ... pathetic... existence but it's all I have left. So you may do as you will; I'm not gonna feel it either way.

[thelonelyspecter]

It was heart breaking watching the flower die; knowing such beauty existed, it grew from nothing but the ash and ember. It reached for impossible heights and kept growing against all odds. The bursts of starlight that graced the land was such a sharp contrast against the rage of war that it cut into the hearts and minds of those that dared to stop for even the slightest of moments. But as time went on the memory of that moment faded as the light in her eyes was replaced with glassy stare.

[thelonelyspecter]

When I saw your face for the first time, I felt my heart flutter; when i heard you speak i felt it melt. When i asked you out i couldnt find the words and when you said yes i thought i had finally found myself.

Love.. *scoffs* love. As fragile as my insecurities may seem I never thought I would break because of such a concept.

I stood there and watched you smile as the bus pulled away, what ever game you where playing you knew I wasn't going to follow; I wasn't going to run crying your name, you knew I was going to stand there with my hand held out as you slipped away... you knew

When you faded away, I felt my heart break, when I heard your last goodbye I felt the remnants disappear. When I asked you why you said nothing, and (finally) when you said it was me, I lost it.

You came back and called for a midnight tryst. I obliged, I scrapped togeher what I could find and came heart in hand. It fluttered at the shear thought of us once again; but it was all apart of the game...wasn't it? Like seconds ticking by I watched your lovers come and go, you praising each one as they pass and when your supply dwindled you beckoned my way to tithe you over until your reup was complete and then your correspondence fell flat.

When I watched another one come, I felt my heart beat less, and as I saw him go, I felt it die just the same. When i watched you shower another with the credit of turning your life around, I winced..at first.. but now? I feel nothing. You and I know the truth, I took a pipe to the head just to save you from an abusive, fraction of a man, not him, or him, or him... I was the one who got you into college, I was the one who was working two jobs to try and support you and your two kids, in the end i was the one who freed you from a continuing home imprisonment that lasted four years plus, Who saved your mother as she tried to kill herself.

You are right, it wasn't me.. it was them...You where right, you said I reminded you of Jack Nicholson from the shining, if there was any point where I felt like him, theres no better one then now. I guess all work and no play really makes James a dull boy.

When I first saw you. I felt my heart flutter, when I watched you leave I felt it shutter. When i heard you whisper good bye i felt it break, and when i heard you whisper "I love you"...to another; I felt it die. (But) now as i type this i feel nothing; the anger has come and i wallowed in sorrow, I've tried to keep my head above water but what's the point? I treaded for far too long and its finally time to give in. So again, I ask, what's the point? Why did I hold on to that glimmer of a fading spark from a fire you doused so long ago? What warmth did it provide as the cold winter crept through and engulfed me? All it did was shatter the last of my crystalized humanity; it tortured me and haunted every waking moment, it seeped in threw and soured my hopes, setting my mind a blaze and burning my very last dream to the ground... now I sit here and watch that dream dwindle as ash and char chase the ember which consumes the last page of our story.

Now is the time to not only end this chapter, but to close the book entirely. Yes...yes... I made the mistake and loved once before... that was on the page I'll soon forget, and why not?... you already have.