#aura anon

[agirldying]

Hi, Aura here.

My trauma anniversary is coming up really soon (in 19 days—which also happens to coincide with him being a year and 19 days older than me), it’ll be five years on March 7th. I can’t stop thinking about my abuser. I’m obsessed with him. I don’t know how to reconcile the two parts of me—the twelve year old boy who still loves him and the seventeen year old who is terrified of him and hates him. It’s like the little kid inside me slips through the cracks and fills me up with the same feelings I had. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss him. I want to go back to him. I want to see him. I want to turn back time to when he wanted me. To when he was there, even if he really wasn’t. I don’t know what to do. Or why I feel this way. I literally can’t stop fucking thinking about him. I just hit a new high (or low, depending on your perspective) of obsession. I don’t even remember how I got there but I found myself looking at his school’s student directory from a couple years ago (he goes to one of the other schools in my district) and staring at his name, phone number and address. I went and looked it up on my phone because I wanted to see how far away it was from my house, then I’m pretty sure I saw that his parents had sold his dad’s apartment in 2021. I know he lives in the same suburb as me, if his mom’s house has stayed the same (his parents are divorced), then it’s about a mile away from my house. So I live in constant fear and on high alert wherever I go. I feel like a stalker or something, but I swear I’m not. I wouldn’t go scout it out or anything. Now, I want to go to his school just so I could have the possibility of seeing him. I have this problem with intentionally triggering myself, I do it a lot. I’ve been listening to music I used to listen to when I was friends with him. I don’t feel like he hurt me anymore, or at least, right now I don’t. I feel like the part of me that still cares about him has taken over. I have BPD and he used to be my FP, as horrible that is to admit. I feel like I’m somehow slipping back into that mindset of desperation and obsession like when I was younger. I don’t know what to do. It always gets bad near the anniversary, I can’t stop thinking about it. And the fact that it’ll have been five full years is baffling to me. In my head, not a day has passed. He is still the same as he was when I knew him. I know for a fact he looks different now but in my mind, I still see him as the thirteen year old he was, even in dreams (even though he’s literally an adult now, he’s 18). I feel like I’m stuck in the past and it’s grip just gets tighter when I try to break free. I don’t even know if I want to be free. Sometimes all I want is to forget. Sometimes all I want is to remember. Trauma is so fucking confusing and sometimes I feel like it’s tearing me apart. I can’t reconcile the two opposite sides of me (as is true with nearly everything because I have BPD) and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stop myself from obsessing over my trauma or my abuser. I’m still attached to him, as much as I dislike it. A part of me loves him, wants to come crawling back to him, beg him to speak to me and hurt me like he did then. I feel like a mix of me then and me now, but a confusing, paradoxical mix. I feel like I’m grasping for things that aren’t there, parts of me that don’t exist and being consumed by the past as it seeps into the present until it bleeds together like a watercolor painting. Why do I feel like this? Nothing makes sense. I’m sorry if this also doesn’t make sense, I tried my best to describe it as coherently as possible.

I just forgot to mention that I’m struggling with also wanting to reach out to my abuser. I know that this time of year is always especially difficult for me and always makes my PTSD worse and near constant rumination regarding either my trauma or my abuser. It’s extremely difficult but I hope it might possibly reassure you to know I am hopefully seeing both my therapists in the two days following the anniversary and also the anniversary will be on a school day so I might have that to distract me but I honestly don’t know how much it’ll help, but at least I have therapy.

Hey Aura,

It's okay to have mixed feelings about your abuser. As for almost wishing for it to be how it was, there are a few reasons why someone might feel this way. One of these reasons may be that there is a sense of comfort in the predictability of that toxic environment, whereas safety is disorienting.

Another reason might be for self-triggering purposes, wanting to be hurt, perhaps to feel alive. I always say that trauma often sets a precedent that every other experience falls under, which can make your life feel incredibly dull when you're not indulging in things that put you in survival mode or whatnot.

I think something you may resonate with as well is that you might miss the affection that your abuser provided, as superficial as it may have been. It's possible that this is related to some potential trauma bonding.

What you said about the twelve year old boy who still loves him reminded me of Internal Family Systems and its concepts of parts and their ages. You may find that video interesting.

You're not alone in doing research into your abuser. I paid to see public records, addresses, relatives, phone numbers, emails, places of work, criminal records, even info regarding properties him and his family owned. It's not like I have plans with any of this information and I don't even completely understand why it matters so much to me, outside of finding out the extent of my abuser's lies. But even then, I don't know why I feel like I must know what he lied about (closure?). Either way, this doesn't make you and I stalkers by any means. Looking up publicly available information or subscribing to Truthfinder doesn't constitute as stalking, at least in a legal sense. It's one thing to keep these things to yourself, and it's another to actually go out and harass them.

I also resonate with your trauma feeling more recent than it actually is. For me it's been 8 years, and yet the events are fresher than the ones afterwards. This is simply the nature of trauma and PTSD. I don't know if it actually works like this (I think it does) but the more you think about something, you strengthen that neural pathway. So I for example have thought about my trauma much more than the events before and after it, so the neural networks are much stronger in that interval, whereas both before and after are much weaker.

I also strongly relate to your abuser remaining static in your head, as opposed to aging or updating. There are multiple versions of my abuser in my head - the one I knew him as (a skinny 16 year old), the one before his accident (who I believe was still definitely abusive), and the one after his accident (most up-to-date, unsure whether or not he's even capable of abuse anymore). The youngest version of him is often the one that appears in my dreams, though recently it seems to be updating. I believe there is a name for this, and it's called parataxic distortion.

There's a latin word called cacospectamania which is basically the inability to look away from something awful and I think you may also resonate with that in terms of trying to heal from trauma.

Another term I use which I think loosely ties into this obsession with your abuser is mythologization wherein we give our abusers an almost mythological amount of power, a supervillain persona, etc.

Ultimately it may just take time to work through these feelings and come to a new consensus within yourself, you know? Healing takes time. I think it's important to write out what you're experiencing as it can help you make sense of it and process it. I don't know if you keep a journal, but you may find that useful in your recovery journey. Additionally, I don't know if you're in therapy, but I would recommend that as well, especially as a trauma survivor.

I'm glad to hear you're in therapy. I think they can definitely help you with all of these things, especially the urge to contact your abuser. It's important to keep that door closed, and explore those urges to ensure you don't end up in a dangerous situation.

I hope I could help. Here if you need anything.

[dads-back-from-the-store]

Okay i take it im the only anon with some sanity does someone else want it-Aura

don’t share that shit man that’s sacred

[xeno-bio-sociology]

hopefully fixed the formatting but i have no clue

firstly, i think pokemon are partially aura-based life. like, their genetic information is stored in/as aura, not in/as DNA, and their body mass is a mixture of aura, physical matter, and sometimes other matter types like whatever the hell ghosts are made of.

in addition, pokemon moves all involve small amounts of typed aura. that’s the difference between a bite and a Bite, or tackling someone and using Tackle on them: typed aura. it’s also why electric attacks work so differently from normal electricity; it’s the typed aura in them.

then secondly, a headcanon about what the heck is going on in the climax of the Mystery of Mew movie.

when Sir Aaron and Lucario die, they both just sort of…fade away, no body left behind. which is pretty weird! there’s also that effect on them it looks kinda like electricity or like…scanlines? it’s also on Ash when he’s doing the thing too and it makes a Noise and seems to hurt.

it’s done A Lot while they’re actively giving Mew an aura transfusion, and then Lucario and Sir Aaron both have it happen a few times as they die, including a point where there’s a lot of them in quick succession, then iirc (and i watched an annoyingly-hard-to-find clip of it just a few days ago) right at end as they’re fading it stops.

i headcanon that they all actually ran out of safely-useable aura early on, and began flash-converting body tissue to aura (that’s what the vaguely scanline effect is, the flash-conversion point/line).

some of the aura produced this way gets used as essentially a replacement for the flash-converted actual physical matter.

tissue made of aura, instead of physical matter, in humans does not grow or age, really (it can heal back to full health with time, but can’t grow). however, it can replace itself, bit by bit, with physical matter again.

if there is A Lot of aura tissue where physical matter tissue should be aging just. stops. while the body heals. in addition, this aura-as-body-tissue thing can be used to mask/negate injuries and allow things like nerve or brain damage to heal- actually, it allows full healing from a lot of stuff.

however if too much of the body is flashconverted, then the aura drain of maintaining it starts to get too high (aura production is down, aura usage is up). in addition physical matter tissue may start to run out of reserves as so much of the body is now not actual physical matter. the result is sudden exhaustion, followed by increasingly rapid runaway flash conversion up until the body is entirely out of physical matter, whereupon the affected person begins to fade away, tangibility is maintained right up until the end.

no body is left behind. the aura ‘template’/pattern may linger past the ‘construct’ body for a bit, and in the case of Sir Aaron actually was mostly but not entirely preserved via crystal (it looks like him, but probably doesn’t have the level of detail required to theoretically resurrect him-presumably the structure of his brain was too delicate).

incidentally that’s why Kidd Summers said “if you do this you’ll destroy yourself” rather than something more along the lines of “if you do this it’ll kill you”, kill implies just that, dead. destroy in this case means not enough left to bury or anything left over at all.

aura users who focus on tanking damage are incredibly durable in the first place, and even if you manage to injure them it might not show at all/get masked, and even if it does anything noticable it’ll probably heal; they can end up with an almost Wolverine-like healing factor although they do have to get the physical matter from somewhere after the intitial aura replacement.

also producing lots of aura, in a human or other organism not adapted to drawing on infinity energy or whatever for basic energy needs, is very energy intensive. the average human aura user is scrawny and usually hungry (we see like five confirmed aura sensitive people in all of pokemon canon and four of them are like…sticks), but fast, slow-aging, and hard to hurt. (like. in between his CONSTANT GETTING INTO DANGER and his aura abilities Ash could full well live for centuries, assuming he doesn’t get killed.)

aura sight is bascially an active aura sense deliberately mapped partially to sight to aid in processing it, which ash not only doesn’t know how to do but has no reason to. i headcanon he awakened his aura powers due to that one episode where he got hit by a chandelier and killed and brought himself back to life, which is one HELL of a way to awaken aura powers but suddenly not having your own aura in the way of percieving it would probably work. 

if the formatting on this is destroyed: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PXex_kZvybI6DVE1kfzLgA_WUpAQj9W-joOhqv9fZU0/edit?usp=sharing 

[agirldying]

Hi, it’s Aura here.

I read your response and first of all, thank you for all your kind words. Secondly, I was wondering what exactly an exposé is? Or do you know the steps I would take in creating one? By the sound of it, I think I’m interested in making one of my own.

- Aura

Hey Aura,

An exposé is a movie or piece of writing that reveals the truth about a situation or person, especially something involving shocking facts. AFAIK it's the best way to describe what it is I'm writing because I'm essentially writing a book about my trauma.

As far as creating one, I would refer you to this ask I answered where I talked about how to begin writing about your trauma. Additionally, I highly recommend using Google Docs to do this (that's what I'm doing) because there are just waaay more options than something like Word.

If you're interested in looking at my exposé for reference, you're more than welcome.

[dads-back-from-the-store]

Also can i ask what is going on rn ~Aura

an anon in my inbox decided it was a good idea to put a lightbulb in their mouth and now they can’t get it out

[marvelwomenarehot0]

NEW THEME NEW RHEME — aura

NEW THEME NEW RHEMEEEE!!!!

[agirldying]

Hi, I’m not exactly sure where to find your exposé, would you mind putting up a link?

- Aura

Hey Aura,

My exposé is currently by invite only, so I would send the invite to a spare email if you would be okay DMing me.

[kingsuckjin]

I bet that other anon agreeing with you has a yellow aura... I just feel it

Oh shit, you read auras? I can feel it, they seem so sweet and intelligent and wholesome and comforting. What are bts auras to you? What's mine? I have so many questions, I'm intrigued!