Being an Autism-Mom looks different on all of us. On me, the public face is the "work" face. I am upbeat. I am accessible. I endeavor to be super-communicative. Likely to a weird degree.
Talking with a case-worker before the IEP meeting? Hey, ask me a question and I will endeavor to thoroughly answer. Thoroughly. With analytical details regarding adjustments, temperament, hobbies, interests, difficulties, and concerns for the future.
Talking with a physician? I can discuss reactions to medications, my own interpretations (based on long-term, conscious observation) and then step back to hear the actual professional give an opinion that I can chew over.
I don't carry a lot of negative emotions with me about Autism. I was relieved to hear the diagnosis, remember. I feel like God gave me this job, to be The Mom, and I do the best I can. He has totally prepared me to do well and I owe it to so many people to do so.
Son has a sleep disorder for years? Hey, I'm an insomniac and know full well how to live productively on four hours a night of broken slumber. Offspring have unusual responses to stimuli of various sorts? I put myself through Parenting Training from the age of eight, asking my mom (who is awesome) all the whys of her mothering responses and attitudes in raising three different people to be responsible, capable human beings. She didn't know she was teaching me, but she was. And when she found out, it baffled her.
She asked me once if I honestly spend every day thinking that my kids are learning from me and taking notes. I said of course. Because even if they're not, I am responsible for every single thing I do. Mistakes and triumphs. Improvised and planned. It's on me and I bring all my resources to bear to get all of us through every single day.
The private face of the Autism-Mom is a different matter entirely. All of the above is true, of course, but I also deal with an enormous amount of stress. Every. Day. From the moment I wake up Rimshot to coerce him out of bed to the time I hear him go to bed himself, I am watching, listening, thinking, and PRAYING. He has behavior issues that are really problematic. He has no filter. And as his mom, I have to respond to these things and hear about these things and pass along these things as needed. I keep a bottle of essential oils for stress with me almost all the time. It helps. It really does.
And when I'm by myself, I am still watching the clock, keeping track of my responsibilities, but also escaping in my own ways through reading and writing. Because I have to. I need to recharge and I am, at my heart, an introvert. I play well on stage, but I desperately need to hide under a rock on a regular basis or I collapse.
The rewards are perfect. When I see how Rimshot creates things to match his ideas, when I hear him make new jokes. When I make him laugh with my unexpected weirdnesses. When I get an apology for a bad attitude at home. When any one of my guys thanks me. I am rewarded.
My mother has always said, "Live so your yesterdays leave you content." It's hard, sometimes, for an Autism-Mom to do that. Finding contentment amidst the challenges is a challenge in and of itself. But when I can? I can smile and put the essential oils away for a bit. Because it was a good day.
