#auxv

[travel-lingy]

Suffering from a cold and feeling very sorry for myself! I think I need some beach therapy stat! If only it weren't so far away! *sigh* #Mallorca #Spain #visitspain #takemeback #auxv (at Isla De Palma De Mallorca)

[caralunaa]

I’M BAAAAAAAAACK!!!! This is the longest photo caption you will ever read. EVER. Maybe, I don’t know. 

Recently, I have been in a very tumultuous relationship with myself. On the inside, sometimes on the outside just randomly blabbing to myself in the street and acting like a “crazy” person in Vitoria. 

I haven’t left Vitoria in over a month. (Insert that super shocked emoji here, the one that looks like that character from the movie Scream). Anyway, I haven’t gone anywhere, I went from leaving every other week, to FULL ON STABILITY. Okay, let’s be real as stable as I can be, which is meeting everyone a little over half way. 

I haven’t left, part of that has been that I joined a rugby team. Yep, that’s right at 26 years old, I thought the best thing to do in life was to learn how to play rugby. You will find me most Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays at (I was going to write the name of the park, but let’s be cautious this is the internet) rugby practice. Feeling HELLA frustrated. 

The other day, I EVEN CRIED. I felt like the biggest idiot, tearing up in front of my teammates and coaches because I couldn’t get the drills, like WTF?!!WHO DOES THAT?!! Apparently, ME, I DO THAT. Seriously, I judged myself and hard. I am so sure my coach saw me, and lost some respect for me, I lost respect for myself there. But I was super frustrated, I couldn’t get the exercise and even now I sometimes don’t get what it is we are doing. And it’s one of the most self defeating feelings, not only am I ruining practice but then it’s like, “So you know Spanish but you don’t understand your coach or the explanations? So then you DON’T really know Spanish you LIAR!” Anyway, point is I get frustrated, BUT I am improving, I think. 

I’ve started in the last few games we’ve played. And I can see that I am not as lost as that first game I played back in November. WOOO #winning

But making a commitment to a team is hard, even harder than having a relationship I think. Because you’ve now committed to like 20+ people, two of them your coaches. And it’s easy to hide from one person, when you don’t want to see them but not so easy  physically nor emotionally when you are trying to avoid 20+ people, who are counting on you!! Believe me, every time I can’t make it to practice I feel  HELLA GUILTY. #hellairresposible It’s this constant struggle between not giving a fuck but still being a perfectionist and responsible adult! And so you have to go to practices and make the games, and this means, travel plans are secondary now. WHATTTTTT???? Yes, I know. BELIEVE YOU ME, I KNOW!!!!! It’s been this battle I have been having with myself, every single time I get a flight alert or deals, or long weekends, which in my case is pretty much EVERY weekend, and realize oh yeah, $50 ticket to who knows where, HAHAHA NOT FOR YOU, YOU CAN’T GO, because guess what? YOU’VE GOT RUGBY. 

Looking at tickets and planning my getaways has been making my fingers itch, I am dying to get away, BUT I also want to PLAY in the games. Rugby is ADDICTIVE. It’s like this drug, the pain doesn’t even matter. Just this Saturday I was dying after the game, I sat in the locker room after the shower just to give my body a little break but even with all the sore muscles, bruises, and all the ache, when one of my teammates asked if I would do it again tomorrow, I couldn’t help but smile and say, HELL YEAH. 

So what do I do now?? WHAT DO I DO? Stability, scares me, I mean having a routine, what is that like? SCARY, S-C-A-R-Y, even more so the having a bird almost crash against your face, or stare at you through your bedroom window, as it plans how it’s going to kill you so it can live in your room...I’m not crazy, there’s really a group of three birds who are friends and always watching me...always plotting. #imontoyoubirds

Back to the point, routine is scary, forming relationships is even scarier, specially when you are me, and you don’t know what next year will bring. But somehow, as crazy as I have been driving myself, and while I do miss traveling, rugby is my life right now. Seriously. I am watching videos, reading Rugby for Dummies, and just really enjoying my life. It was the best 280 euros I ever spent. It’s like I paid money to have a way to work out, challenge myself, and then they decided to throw in the chaos of some amazing women I now get to call friends. PRETTY BIG FUCKING DEAL!

So, yeah I miss traveling, ALOT. And my instagram account has been inactive lately, but that rush of excitement of traveling to a new place, of seeing something new, and fear of getting taken is replaced by a bunch of other emotions. The frustration of not getting a drill, the fear of this commitment I just made, the pain of practices and games, and the love, appreciation and respect I now have for my teammates. And one biggie for me, routine and stability. ALL OF IT I wouldn’t trade it for a million flights around the world, really, I wouldn’t. WOW I didn’t know that until I just typed it. I can’t believe I typed that, #shocker.

So yep, as my students like to say, “y ya esta”--that’s all.