080 Dolce Far Niente at 26
Back in January 09, and by 09 I mean 9th as in a few weeks ago, not 2009, I had an existential crisis. No biggie, I knew it was coming. Notice, how I didn’t call it a mid-life crisis, as per usual, I have come to accept that not everything can be a mid-life crises. #growingup?
But anyway, here is what I learned from that crisis:
it is always easier to look out at the world than to look at ourselves. We ALL DO IT. I know I’ve caught myself doing it, looking, commenting, and judging someone else’s life and decisions instead of focusing on my own. What has become clear to me is that one word can have a whole lot of different meanings depending on your experiences and journey through life. Being in a relationship with someone from different culture and language will definitely bring this forth. It’s hard to admit that our perceptions of the world are anything but perceptions of others, instead they are reflections of who we are. All of our experiences are created and defined by our previous experiences and knowledge, hence why everyone can have different reactions to one situation.
Friends look at my lifestyle and they panic, they judge and they question me, usually with questions they should be asking themselves. I too do the same when I look at their lives. But lately, I have found that as much as my life frightens me when I compare it to that of my peers, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s not for the traveling, because while visiting new countries and exploring new cities, is thrilling and wonderful, but rather because of the privilege I can afford right now, and that’s the privileged of (the great Italian expression), dolce far niente (sweet idleness).
With this idleness I have been able to look inward and learn a whole lot about myself.
We exist in a world where we use words to tell our stories. I have always believed words are important and am very careful with them, but sometimes I forget that the meanings I attribute to certain things may not be the same for others, especially if their experiences have nothing to do with mine. It’s easy to judge others’ decisions and life, and it is especially hard to recognize that sometimes that disdain we aim at another is in reality aimed at ourselves. At some point we have to learn to look into the naked core of who we are and embrace it.
People have always questioned my life-style choices. I have always had to defend myself, and I would be lying if I didn’t admit that a lot of times, my biggest enemy has been myself. Having friends and family question me hasn’t made this journey easy, but I am grateful for it because it has forced me to look deep within myself. This lifestyle has give me that sweet idleness and much more.
I used to at times feel guilty and stressed that I was here in Vitoria not doing the traditional 40 hour week and moving along with the rest of my companions. I felt like I was on the fast route to accomplishing nothing. But I get a HUGE privileged to have time to do nothing, and sometimes I do just that, nothing. And I have had time to dwell and think and question and justify and think, and sit and analyze and focus on me and my personal growth. Sometimes, we get so caught up with boosting those resumes we forget to boost ourselves and focus also on our own personal growth.
So here’s something I’ve learned about myself in my idleness; when forming new relationships I live in a state of constant struggle between wanting to be independent and wanting to love.
I always been pretty independent and my wanderlusting ways have only served to increase that comfort with being alone. BUT, and of course there is always a but, I also love, and it seems the only way I know how to love is fully. This summer served to teach me this. That when I love it can never be a little at a time, it’s all at once, putting my self in the hand of this other person. Which is quite terrifying.
I crave and love my freedom, that sense of self and ability of not having to depend on anybody else to get what I want from life. But when I love and commit myself, I willingly tangle my life with another because it makes me happy, but as thrilling as it is like I said it’s also terrifying. TERRYFYING. And that’s where the battle begins.
I start to become the girl who confides in another, who leans on another when I am feeling lost, and when making decisions I think not just of me but of this other person as well, because isn’t that what love is? The willingness to compromise and being okay with it and putting others needs not necessarily ahead of yours but equal to yours? And this is what drives me crazy because I start to feel weak, that dependance is weakness, it makes me breakable.
And that’s the beginning of the battle that is a swinging pendulum. I give the relationship my all and just as easily I swing to the other side and pull away. And I do this for a while because neither side completes me nor does it make me happy. I crave both independence and dependence, and I can’t seem to find the right balance. Until recently, I discovered it takes greater strength to embrace the emotional aspects of loving another. And I’m sure there must be a balance, I just haven’t found it yet...maybe as I continue in my idleness, I’ll figure it out...
