A Very Special Karaoke Advice
The fall chill reminds us that the holidays are just around the corner, and it never hurts to be prepared! Soon it will be the season for awkward office parties, often punctuated by some meaningless activity meant to bring staff together…and for some reason, that dubious honor often falls to karaoke. We’re not sure how this strange tradition began. As discussed in previous columns, there doesn’t seem to be any middle ground for karaoke. People either love it or they hate it. So it seems like a bizarre choice as a unification activity for people who might not have anything to say to each other outside of the office. But maybe that’s the point? To create an atmosphere where everyone feels equally uncomfortable? (Aside from us, obviously!) The worst office karaoke experience I (Sarah) ever had was a conference room holiday potluck with no alcohol. Picture this: fluorescent overhead lighting, a karaoke machine in the corner, and 30 of your colleagues staring blankly at each other. Anyway, I got through it, and you will too. In the spirit of the season, we have endeavored to put together a list of song choices that we hope will inspire even the grinchiest among us.
Same Old Lang Syne—Dan Folgelberg
So this is the BEST Christmas song of all time. If you’ve never heard it: 1. You must be British, 2. please run to Spotify or your streaming service of choice. Spoiler alert: a grown man, now a FAMOUS SINGER, runs into his high school girlfriend on Christmas Eve at his hometown grocery store. (I’m getting chills as I type this; NOT EVEN KIDDING.) I dare you not to be moved by the last line: “Just for a moment I was back at school / And felt that old familiar pain / And as I turned to make my way back home / The snow turned into rain...” (followed by a sad sax version of Auld Lang Syne, obviously). Also, who among us has not run into an ex (or worried about running into an ex) while home for the holidays? SO. MANY. EMOTIONS.
This is a fine, festive choice. It also has a lot of good “act-out” moves, which I realize not everyone wants, but I do. Please do not do the “Glee” version or the Carly Rae Jepsen version. There is a difference.
Marshmallow World—Darlene Love
A classic, but be warned: I think you might need to be able to carry a tune to pull this off.
Hey Santa—Wilson SISTERS (fun fact: I thought this was by Wilson Phillips until I googled it one second ago)
This isn’t really that great a song but it’s just Carnie and Wendy singing “Hey Santa” over and over again so it’s pretty easy. I also like the idea of Santa just completely ghosting the Wilson sisters as they just call his name multiple times with no response.
Santa Can You Hear Me—Britney Spears
This is a terrible, terrible song but it’s fun to sing in the weird blocked nasal passage Britney voice (“Sabta cab you heab me?”). Also, you could combine it with “Hey Santa” for a rock block of pop stars basically yelling demands at Santa.
Santa Baby—Eartha Kitt/Madonna/Your Embarrassing Aunt/Michael Buble
Speaking of making demands of Santa, no one but Eartha Kitt should ever have performed this song...EVER. Eartha Kitt had a sense of humor about herself and about the song. It’s OBVIOUS that she’s singing to a beau and referring to him as “Santa”--weird, sure, but funny, and her matter-of-fact delivery makes it all the more amusing and a fine addition to the holiday season. Madonna THINKS she has a sense of humor about herself but she does NOT and her delivery implies that she’s going to devour Santa and guess what that means? You’re not getting a convertible, a ring, or checks with a dead Santa on your hands, Madge. Step away from the chimney. This delivery is, by extension, how every embarrassing aunt delivers Santa Baby and it’s awful. You can be a sexy singing aunt in a myriad of ways that don’t involve Santa. I’m not even going to go down the road of Michael Buble singing “Santa Buddy” and you shouldn’t either. It’s the holidays. People want to sit in bars with colored lights strung up around the room and feel a little melancholy. They don’t want to hear Steverino from HR smirkily asking for a “steel blue” convertible because “light blue” equals a chick car, I guess, GOD THIS HORRIBLE SONG. (Note from Sarah: my sister spent most of her life thinking the “slip a sable under the tree” line was referring to a MERCURY SABLE. Dear Santa, please leave a convertible but also a mid-size, four door, American made sedan. Thanks.)
The Hanukkah Song — Adam Sandler
Yes, it’s probably the only token non-Christmas option that’s available in your karaoke book (let us know if we’re wrong!) and it’s a controversial one. I (Karen) like it. It’s also educational—did you know Goldie Hawn was ¼ Jewish before this song? I didn’t! Sarah responded “Oh God, I mean, I guess” when I suggested it. To be fair, I also still enjoy the disgusting “At A Medium Pace” from Sandler’s seminal 1993 comedy album They’re All Gonna Laugh At You [no, I don’t want to hear you sing it, and certainly not at karaoke] and tear up at the “Grow Old With You” part of The Wedding Singer [no, I don’t want you to dance to it at your wedding...ok, maybe I do? I don’t know anymore.] I guess take some time to suss out whether or not your audience is going to be a pro-90s Sandler crowd and then proceed as you like. I want to hear it, though.
Do They Know It’s Christmas—Band Aid
I’m not sure why I’m recommending this because I think I actually performed this unsuccessfully with a group; but maybe you’ll have better luck? Also this song is garbage.
Christmas Wrapping—The Waitresses
Ok, (especially for non-singers) but I should warn you that this song is longer than you think. By the end you won’t care about this meet cute story any more, and neither will the audience. JUST GET YOUR CRANBERRY SAUCE AND GET ON WITH IT.
Fairytale of New York—The Pogues
Either a great Christmas duet, or a terrible shoutfest. Regardless of how you feel, you must admit this unlikely holiday favorite is in a league of its own. Warning: contains slurs. So if you decide to sing this, please omit those. Helpful life hint which can be applied to every situation: DON’T YELL SLURS.
All I Want For Christmas is You—Mariah Carey
Really? Are you sure you want to do this?
In summary, please sing Same Old Lang Syne, all other choices are terrible. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
