I'm dreaming the hardest. --Marilyn Monroe
February 4, 2002 Last night, I dreamt that I swallowed my pride and went to the home of the ex, whom in real life I am trying to avoid. It was his birthday party and in the dream, he lived in the house I grew up in as child--so that was where the party was. There were so many fun people at the party/in the house and I was having a good time, but the whole time I was there, I felt like my ex was avoiding me by being upstairs with his guy friends. I had a present for him: a mix tape I had made and even wrapped up as a gift. Word spread to him that I was leaving and it took him forever, but he made his way downstairs to tell me goodbye. Instead of being cordial, I blew up on him--telling him all these things I had been holding inside. Like that Husker Du song that goes: "There are things I'd like to say to you, but I'm never talking to you again." We ended up going for a walk down my old street (his street now) and he tried to comfort me, but this only made me more upset. *I have a lot of dreams about past lovers living in my real life childhood home. I think it has to do with my fearing losing them forever/having them exist only in the past, but also feeling frustrated that someone who I think doesn't deserve any space in my life...becomes forever a part of my history. I don't want to always feel this way. According to my dreams and real life recent events, I have felt this way for awhile. I want to be able to befriend every ex, but it's hard. It's hard to feel rejected. It's hard to not feel like somewhere down the line you were lied to. It's hard to accept you could have spoken up when things were bothering you. But you didn't.