Mercury's Date Advice
Mercury: What's up dudes and dudettes, it's your main man, Merc, here to deliver unto you poor souls the divine wisdom of myself, Mercury Black. The topic is dating, which I am an expertin because I am a romantic as fuck motherfucker.
Mercury: Every last one of these steps will impress your bitch... I-I mean your girl.
Mercury: Number one, skip the rom-coms. Instead, put something funny in. Like that movie, Tuesday. That movie's hilarious and will have you laughing all night.
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Emerald: (Bored out of her mind)
Mercury: BOOM! Knocked on yer ass! AH HA HA!
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Mercury: And by the way, ladies, if I use the term "bitches," please don't be offended. It's just something you gotta understand; dudes are dudes and bitches are bitches. I don't make the rules.
Mercury: Number two, every woman loves a fancy dinner date, so take her somewhere she'll never forget.
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Emerald: (At McSchnees)
Mercury: Now on Wednesdays, everything is 20% off. I don't normally tell people this, but you're different, because I love you.
Emerald: (Blushes)
Mercury: So order something cheap.
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Mercury: Number three, if you see your girl talking with another guy, don't be jealous. Be cool! Relax, take a deep breath...
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Emerald: And you're sure he'll like it?
Jaune: Definitely! I think it will really help him open- AGH! I'VE BEEN SHOT!
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Mercury: ...and light up that motherfucker.
Mercury: Number four, bitches. Love. Roses. Nobody knows why, but bitches are just hard-wired to get horny from roses. So get her some.
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Mercury: How much for the roses?
Mercury: ...Sixty lien?! What, do these roses double as Grimm repellent?!
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Mercury: Tell your girl she's beautiful. Even if she's fat, old, ugly, and looks like a wet hobbit from the bad part of the shire. She'll appreciate it, and she'll love you even more.
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Mercury:
Emerald: (Cocks a brow at him in confusion)
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Mercury: Number six, don't be afraid to let your guard down! Let yourself be vulnerable! Fall in love! I still remember the day I did...
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Cinder: Mercury, this is Emerald.
Emerald: (Looks down at him)
Mercury: ...I'm gon smash dat bitch.
Emerald: Uh...
Mercury: Raw.
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Mercury: Number seven, last but not least, don't cheat on your girl. Okay, it's not worth it! I've never cheated a day in my life...
Mercury: ...
Mercury: ...Snrk! Oh, uh, we can cut that, right?
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Mercury: I've also been divorced about fifteen times, so I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
