Teddie/Haru -yes I know I probably should log into that blog to ask, but shhh.
Send a ship and I'll tell you who (SFW edition!):
Gives nose/forehead kisses. - Teddie! Blame Madoka for teaching him how to use forehead kisses as a sign of affection and good luck.
Gets jealous the most. - Both of them I could see to some extent. They both have experiences being rejected and this is them finally finding that "Yes!". But they would never be angry at the third party, it's fears of their partner preferring someone else.
Picks the other up from the bar when they’re too drunk to drive. - Neither drinks and Teddie can't drive! I guess Teddie could walk her home if she ever gets into any hijinks after reaching drinking age
Takes care of on sick days. - They'd both gladly do this for the other! But since Teddie is not human and follows different rules, it would fall on to him more often
Drags the other person out into the water on beach day. - While Teddie isn't the best swimmer, he'll make sure Haru isn't under that hat and umbrella for two long. Then she takes over once they're in the water
Gives unprompted massages. - Teddie! Physical touch is one of his main love languages. He'd start by massaging her shoulders after working out or a lot of work. They can discover different kinds of massages later
Drives/rides shotgun. - Haru drives and Teddie cannot, self-explanatory
Brings the other lunch at work. - They work at very separate places so it would be geographically difficult. But if that distance ever shortens I think it would be Haru
Has the better parental relationship. - Considering Haru's mom doesn't like Teddie, Haru wins with the Hanamura's by default
Is more likely to cry when watching movies. - These little cry babies are both crying! When wouldn't they cry during a sad movie?
Firmly believes in couples costumes. - Teddie since he thinks they're fun. The costumes are usually more on the sillier side than the sexy side. Something to show off at parties but also enjoy wearing
Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas. - I mean...Haru's the rich one here...but not too often would she do this
Makes the other eat breakfast. - They take turns but maybe Haru does it a bit more to improve her cooking skills, what with her wanting to run a café and all
Remembers anniversaries. - It's on their shared calendar! (is their anniversary the day they started fake dating or when they became official?)
Plans the craziest vacations/birthdays/parties/etc. - Teddie finds the most random places very easily, he's good for that. And it's a nice way for him to take the load off Haru's shoulders if he plans these things himself with a few inputs from her to make sure it's something she'd like